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Does the personalization ever go away or ease?

pinkydinkydoo's picture
pinkydinkydoo
Posts: 2
Joined: May 2012

I am only two years post diagnosis and one year post treatment and surgery and currently waiting on tests as the cancer may be slowly but surely returning...
I am wondering if the personalization of everything cancer related will ever go away, or at least ease? I feel like a walking pin cushion, anyone mentions cancer and I feel like it is directed at me. My great uncle passed away last week after battling prostate cancer for years and I am upset and grieving over the loss of my uncle, but it is more than that, it feels personal...like if he goes it must be my time next, not sure how to explain it. People try to help saying things like "his body had fought for so long and could not fight anymore", this doesn't help it makes me wonder when my body will be "unable to fight anymore", I know his passing is not about me but it is evoking so many emotions....
Am I alone in this? Will these internalizations of everything cancer ease with time?

dmj101's picture
dmj101
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2011

I know that is not what you want to hear..
I am 5 years out of thyroid Dx and 1.5 yrs out of rectal Dx..
I personalize everything.. a song on the radio a commercial on tv, a movie, a show, an article in a mag or the news..
I think it is human to do this.. I don't know that I will ever be able to see a More birthdays commercial or a cancer institute commerical and not wonder or think about me..
If I pinch myself really hard I may get thru them without a tear.. but not likely.

I hope we find some peace with our emotions..
Donna

golf_gal's picture
golf_gal
Posts: 69
Joined: Dec 2011

Sorry for the loss of your uncle. I have had one reoccurance. I can say the thoughts want to creep in about it coming again. I try to enjoy the very moment I'm in. None of us are guaranteed to another day, so it is important that you enjoy something each day, and live in the moment.....not worrying about what "could" happen. That is not healthy for you or those who you spend most of your time with. Tell yourself no! to scary futuristic scenarios. I do understand how you feel, but you CAN change your thought pattern. It might take some work, but you can do it. I don't personalize this disease as you and the other poster do, so not much help there, sorry.

I do look in the mirror EVERY DAY and look into my eyes and say with TRUE BELIEF, "I am healthy". Hope this helped. Hugs and prayers.

P.S. first dx in 08 (rectal)....met to sigmoid lymph node in 2011. Just finished last chemo Feb. 15, 2012.

Doc_Hawk's picture
Doc_Hawk
Posts: 685
Joined: Jan 2012

Very sorry to hear about your uncle, Pinky. I felt the same thing a couple weeks ago when Robin Gibbs died. We were both dx'd around the same time with the same type of cancer and he's got a hell of a lot more money to spend on medical bills than I do. So yeah, I kept thinking that if he could go like that, how much longer could I possibly have? But as joemetz here reminded me, it's different for everyone of us. My grandmother was dx'd in the mid-70s with colorectal cancer and lived until Sept. 2001 with a colostomy bag, so if she could last that long with one, I can surely make as long without it.

Otherwise, I really don't take cancer personally. I probably got it because of eating too much red meat and ignoring the warning signs like blood in the toilet bowl. If I'd had a colonoscopy a couple of years sooner, it probably wouldn't have developed into cancer. I have a phrase that I first started saying in relation to hangovers: "no sympathy for self inflicted wounds." I give it a 50/50 shot that my cancer is a self inflicted wound, so I'll only accept a little bit of sympathy when its offered. None of us know why it's us that got cancer anymore than we can know what it was that caused it. It simply is a part of us now and all we can do is set our heels and dig in for the long fight.

Honeybear4701's picture
Honeybear4701
Posts: 6
Joined: Feb 2012

I'm very sorry to hear about your uncle, PinkyDinkyDoo.

I felt the same thing a couple weeks ago when Robin Gibbs died. I was ready to quit chemo (even told my Onc) and when Robin died it scared me so bad I decided not to quit, I took it as a "sign"!

A lady once told me when you've had enough chemo you will know it. If you take all of the treatments offered and it's not enough, you'll know that too. I've had cancer three times all three different type cancers and none related whatsoever. I try to always remember what this lady told me because so far she has been right.

I know this is not much help, but no one will try to answer for you. It's your body, just pay close attention to what it's telling you.

Prayers and blessing to you. Deena

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