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Accidental Overdose

Klynten
Posts: 29
Joined: Dec 2011

Well my last post was a heavy one. This one will be again. My last chemo is tomorrow and I don't want it (kicks and pounds fist on ground like a 4 year old throwing a tantrum) All joking aside. I don't know if I can do it. I am just starting to feel better, then they hit you again. If is like some f*##ing cruel joke. It makes me feel like I should be thanking someone for not beating me today, but you know it is coming. I feel insane, trying different approaches for what I want. I no longer feel it is about what I want, it is now about finishing the course. Which of course is what I want but why can't they just give me propofol drip and place me in ICU for a week, those gals will take care of me. Well it really is the end of the journey. Tomorrow I have chemo and radiation, and tuesday is the last radiation, then slow healing process begins.

Well lets tell you what I have. I look like I have tried to hang myself and have a rope bburn around my neck. Everywhere there was folds in my neck skin I have super bad sunburns. It hurts like hell. My right ear developed a sore behind it, of course it hasn't healed and I am worried about the color of my ear lobe. Wonder if I will loose it, but the doc's don't seem to worried about it so neither do I. I have terrible mouth sores and the mucositis is horrible. I had an infection in my airway, so I have just finished antibiotics and that has helped. My mouth is so dry, but the things they give you for that help. So I know I am bitching but I appreciate a venue to get this out at.

Well after my last hospitalization, the doctor added a hycodan cough syrup. So my medication regimine was as follows. every 4 hours I took 20mg Roxanol, 1mg ativan, 10ml reglan (4xd), 10ml Omeprazole (2xd), Hycodayn 10ml (an overdose on my part it was 5) Zofran 8mg, scopalamine q3days.

Well I was doing ok on this regimine, until I woke up and missed a dose, took it when I woke up at 5am, and I quess I did it again at 7am, and then at 10 am. I was so high. I always felt under the influence but I was able to maitain connections to reality. I was sufferring respiratory depression and only a O2 sat of 70 to 80 would wake me up enough for me to spontaneously breath, so while recieving IV fluids, it was my family;s job to try to keep the oxygen on me and secondly shake/stir me enogh to get me to breath. They didn't want to narcan me because of my pain, but all well. I quess the wife and i got into the night before, She has a hard time coming in with me when I am gettin sick, in fact she never has done it. Comming off the meds, and not being allowed to have more to ease the pain. And the wife trying to be hard love woman, I was definetly harsh to her. But I don't give a rats *** what her problem is, my problem is I need her. I cry out but she just says what good am I to you if i am vomiting. I think that is very selfish, and I don't want to tell her that. She feels like she has the right to tell me when she thinks I am giving up or I could be doing more, but she can't hear me tell her I need her. I don't want her to clean me up or anything, lord knows that wouldn't happen. I've gotten sick many times, and after throwing up, I'm up with the mob, or steam cleaner ect, cleaning everything up. My problem isn't that she loves me, I know she loves me with all her heart, she has come through some of these doors that I thought she would never come through with me. It boils down to this, if going through a life and death situation, would she be the person I would choose at my side, I'm afraid to answer that question cause I know what it means and i am not sure I am ready for that, not ready to make that decision.

Also, since my accidental OD, no one is allowing me to set up my own meds and I am not allowed to be alone. I'm 35 year old nurse with 2 kids, who owns his own home and has a lot going for him. I understand they are worried about me, but come on, my chemo brain isn't that bad, or maybe it is. They can watch me and all that stuff i don't care. One thing I am mad about. When I was arguing with the wife the night before, she was bitching to me about my priorities being out of sorts (I've been spending too much time trying to raise money for the family) and stuff like that. I think she noticed I was upset about the picking and choosing when to be there or being there with all the normal, expected stuff, but the things that I need, reassurance, comming when i call and babying me a little, she just can't do it, it isn't me she says it's her issue with it.

well during that fight, I started crying and said I want to just crawl in a hole and die, then the next day I accidently (which I truley did on accident, just got confused early in the morning) overdosed. She thinks I really tried to harm myself. I understand why she would think that but when I told her I didn't she didn't believe me. If she really thought I did try to harm myself, why wouldn't she say to someone. I could've came home and finished the job, even with her hiding stuff. If I wanted to do it it would've been done, but I don't. I want to live, I want to shine and make each day and minute better than the last. I fear she isn't going to be that person who takes that trip on with me.

All well, I will keep you all posted on the opcoming events of last week of treatment. Thanks for listening and posting, you guys are amazing

Clinton

longtermsurvivor's picture
longtermsurvivor
Posts: 1845
Joined: Mar 2010

Dude, you will survive this. I'm 10 days out from treatment ending. Starting now to turn the corner. You will too.

You would benefit from being put on a skin patch for pain control. Ask them to do it today, cause it takes a few days to be effective, and they may have to adjust the dose.

It sounds like you would benefit from an antidepressant. No fault attached to this, the treatment is a huge problem for many of us. And your circumstances are such you are simply being overwhelmed right now. This stuff with your wife needs to be put on the back burner for a few weeks. Ask her for a moratorium. Neither of you benefits from whatever is going on here right now. You can't make rational decisions at the moment, and neither can she.

You can do it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Pat

ratface's picture
ratface
Posts: 1320
Joined: Aug 2009

Why did you come this far to give up now. I am confident that you will finish your treatments. While you are there tomorrow talk to your oncologist about some medication for depression, I did, as it was just to big for me to get my mind around at the time. It saved my life and a few months down the road things got much better. If possible why don't you see about attending a cancer group at the hospital and if not try these folks, SPOHNC, 1-800-377-0928 "Support for people with oral and head and neck cancer", or give me a state and city and I can give you specific contact information?

Greend's picture
Greend
Posts: 678
Joined: Feb 2010

You brought back a lot of memories. I remember thinking the same when I would just start feeling better and then WHAM, another dose of "healthy poison". In a few months you will be feeling better and adjusting to your new normal. Hang in there and take it easy on the wife, more than a few people don't/didn't understand because they have never been there.

The roller-coaster ride is almost over for you.

Denny

osmotar's picture
osmotar
Posts: 1005
Joined: Jul 2011

Don't know what to say, other than if venting here is any help vent away...and know that soon it will be over and your on your way to recovery, not that there won't be some issues, but not like the ones you described your having thru treatment.

Blessings,

Linda

Noellesmom
Posts: 1856
Joined: Aug 2010

See if she will feel better if you visit a counselor - you ARE dealing with a lot and yes, I can understand why your wife might think you tried to hurt yourself, even though you didn't.

She's carrying a lot, Clinton. If talking to a counselor would make her feel like you are getting the help you need, I would do it.

I don't think it could hurt a thing. Might help a few.

nwasen's picture
nwasen
Posts: 235
Joined: Feb 2011

Clinton.....you have made it this far. Now your body has to have time to heal. Will it be easy? No. Can it be done? Yes....
get some good antidepressants and try and get out and get some fresh air. Find something to take your mind off your worries. Mine was live music and funny movies.
Remember your wife just loves you. She is not the enemy...cancer is.
I live alone and did the battle all on my own with just friends helping. You have alot to be thankful for.
A year from now you can look back and think that alot of it was like a real bad damn dream
Peace, Nancy

Goalie's picture
Goalie
Posts: 184
Joined: Sep 2010

- sorry folks. . . I was using Goalie's computer and didn't notice I was signed in as him. . .

DrMary's picture
DrMary
Posts: 522
Joined: Nov 2010

especially for themselves - it happened to my mother and we finally had to have someone else administer her meds. She was not happy at first, but it kept her alive and healthy.

As a caregiver, I had trouble keeping track of drugs and dosages, so we went to a pre-loaded pill carrier, which helped a lot. I know you feel a loss of control right now (more so because you are not an amateur) but that's one area that might be good to let go of for now; even bus drivers learn how to let someone else drive occasionally.

I'm wondering about the scope, however. What with the reglan, ativan and zofran, I'm not sure you really need another antinausea drug, and that one does cause memory issues.

At the moment, it sounds like you and your wife each have needs the other can not meet. Your priority is getting through your treatment - you might find that she is better at dealing with your recovery period, which is also important.

Hang in there and keep posting.

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