Advice needed / family dynamics
I am seeking advice from you guys that have "been there". My dad is having surgery at the Mayo in a couple of weeks. The problem is with my Mom... she refuses to talk about anything or engage in a conversation about the schedule with Dad's appointments, etc. If I do bring it up, the next few times I call my parents, I only talk to Dad because Mom is "busy" or something. My sister experiences this as well. So my Mom is obviously having a very difficult time with this. For my sister and I, we both work, so we do need to plan when we are going to take off work and other logistics. We want to be the best support for my parents, but it has been difficult to know what that exactly is. We want to be there, but also want to leave them alone at certain times if they don't want us there. I want to drive them to and from the Mayo, because they both hate the cities. But then I think they end up feeling like they can't do anything on their own. I also want to set up a caring bridge support site so family and friends can get updates, but I know if I bring it up they will say, no, no, no. My Dad is retired but he was a band director and I know that a lot of his former coworkers and students would send him cards, and well wishes if they knew he had cancer, but he hasn't wanted to tell anyone and has been avoiding as many people as possible. My sister and I are willing to do absolutely anything for them but it's hard to know where the line exactly is. Any suggestions?
Thanks for listening... Jen
Comments
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Hi Jen
Without knowing how your relationship with your mom was before cancer came to town, it's hard to answer that. Perhaps you and your sister could arrange a family meeting, have a good cry together, discuss the situation and let them know your wishes, and your plans on how you are going to help lessen your mother's load. Ask your mom what you could do to help. I know that asking for help is hard, so you may need to be a bit insistent there. For example "I will pick you up for your appointment, or I will bring over dinner, or I will come help you clean the house, get your groceries,..... whatever you think she needs help with the most. (the list is endless) I'm sure it's hard for your mom to ask for help, after all, mom's are usually the ones that do the taking care of stuff, aren't they? Us ladies are always supposed to be so strong, we can handle anything right?
If mom still refuses to talk, ask dad what he needs, wants or what help he thinks they could use.
When my husband Lee was diagnosed, I could not even mention it without crying, or crawling into my shell. I felt physically ill, sick to my stomach for about a month or so, while we waited for treatment schedules and information. Speaking as a 'wife', it is the hardest thing a woman can cope with. Denial is such an easy trap to fall into, if you don't have to deal with it, it's much easier.
Once I got used to letting people help and comfort me, it was so much easier. Trust me, just keeping medications and appointments and symptom management organized is a full time job, never mind taking care of a home, job, pets or any of the other million day to day things that we used to do without even thinking of it. Everything becomes a chore, and once open to help, it is a godsend.
I hope you are able to work out a plan that makes everyone satisfied, sounds like you have a tough road to travel...
be well,
Chantal
wife of Lee, stage ivb
passed away Nov 8, 20110 -
It is good of you and your
It is good of you and your sister to want to help, and you should monitor that your parents are handling the situation. However, when all of this came about for my husband and me, we didn't want assistance per se. We had offers, requests, etc., but we just wanted to be together. When others are around, even your own children, no matter how loving and supportive they are being, you are required (even If only psychologically) to consider them.
i guess we are somewhat different, maybe selfish. After 40 plus years of marriage, we just wanted to be together, to maximize whatever opportunity we had to share with each other.. He needed me to care for him in his worst and most unpleasant moments without worrying if it would be upsetting to others present. Just us two. We knew our children were a phone call away. But, they have jobs [for which they are fortunate in these economic times), school-age children, long distances to travel to sit in a hospital room or clinic office watching him suffer. We felt they had better things to do with their time.
We visited by phone, by text, by email, and yes, a nearby child came by nightly to see how we were doing. Saw everything was progressing and returned to his family. Another, left his family and office and drove up to check on us. It worried us that he was traveling such a distance, leaving his family at home. Our daughter, living a great distance away, had a personal shopper buy and deliver to our house, groceries and other needs, on our return home from the hospital. She also sent us an iPad to watch movies while we were at the hospital that long month. Watching Netflix movies gave us distraction from where we were and helped him take his mind off of his discomfort.
Upon return home, friends would drop a prepared meal by the house or some other tasty goody, but would not "visit" per se. So, we had support but not intrusion. The return home post-op can be demanding, depending on the type of surgery, and being able to help there is another area to take into account.
Perhaps it was just my being the selfish one, not wanting to share. So each family has to address this situation in its own way, but it is okay if the parents are handling things well, to be a background force rather than a directing presence. As strong as my children are, it was exceedingly difficult for them to see their father suffer.
I don't know whether I've offered any insight or not, but maybe seeing how I thought, may give you a viewpoint to consider. Best of luck to your Dad, your Mom and you and your sister and family.
BMGky0 -
Amen William......unknown said:This comment has been removed by the Moderator
Sorry for hi-jacking the thread here, but William, you are bang on, again. This post really got me thinking about my situation, and a lot of times I really felt like BMGky, and felt that I just wanted to be left alone, not to have to worry about catering to anyone, offer tea or coffee to visitors or clean the house before someone came over, put on my big phony smile and pretend I was happy to have intruders in my sanctuary...... I just wanted to take care of Lee, and spend every possible second with him, without interference.
but you know what? I'm so glad that I never denied anyone the chance to see Lee one last time. His passing was expected, but happened so suddenly that there were many who never got the chance to say good-bye to a good friend. My parents were here for the last 2 weeks of his life, and honest to God, I could not have done it without them. They kept the house clean, took care of my dog, made sure I ate, made phone calls, spent time at the hospital so I could go home to rest..... There is no way I could have done it alone!!! None of our visitors ever imposed on me, in fact they always brought meals, treats, coffee, books etc. Each and every person that visited only wanted to see their dear friend/family member. None of them cared if my house was a mess, or if I was in my jammies. I'm glad that I allowed all his loved ones into our home, even if I was a bit resentful at the time.
Please don't let your mom shut you out..... it just wouldn't be fair to you and your sister. I won't be as outspoken as William, but you have every right to see your dad, because you just never know what tomorrow may bring.
Chantal0 -
My desire for privacy hasBMGky said:It is good of you and your
It is good of you and your sister to want to help, and you should monitor that your parents are handling the situation. However, when all of this came about for my husband and me, we didn't want assistance per se. We had offers, requests, etc., but we just wanted to be together. When others are around, even your own children, no matter how loving and supportive they are being, you are required (even If only psychologically) to consider them.
i guess we are somewhat different, maybe selfish. After 40 plus years of marriage, we just wanted to be together, to maximize whatever opportunity we had to share with each other.. He needed me to care for him in his worst and most unpleasant moments without worrying if it would be upsetting to others present. Just us two. We knew our children were a phone call away. But, they have jobs [for which they are fortunate in these economic times), school-age children, long distances to travel to sit in a hospital room or clinic office watching him suffer. We felt they had better things to do with their time.
We visited by phone, by text, by email, and yes, a nearby child came by nightly to see how we were doing. Saw everything was progressing and returned to his family. Another, left his family and office and drove up to check on us. It worried us that he was traveling such a distance, leaving his family at home. Our daughter, living a great distance away, had a personal shopper buy and deliver to our house, groceries and other needs, on our return home from the hospital. She also sent us an iPad to watch movies while we were at the hospital that long month. Watching Netflix movies gave us distraction from where we were and helped him take his mind off of his discomfort.
Upon return home, friends would drop a prepared meal by the house or some other tasty goody, but would not "visit" per se. So, we had support but not intrusion. The return home post-op can be demanding, depending on the type of surgery, and being able to help there is another area to take into account.
Perhaps it was just my being the selfish one, not wanting to share. So each family has to address this situation in its own way, but it is okay if the parents are handling things well, to be a background force rather than a directing presence. As strong as my children are, it was exceedingly difficult for them to see their father suffer.
I don't know whether I've offered any insight or not, but maybe seeing how I thought, may give you a viewpoint to consider. Best of luck to your Dad, your Mom and you and your sister and family.
BMGky
My desire for privacy has been misunderstood. I never denied any one the opportunity to be with us!
I didn't ask for help and didn't apply pressure on anyone to come. However, with there being school age children, hospital call schedules, unavailability of reliable childcare, singular work responsibilities affecting many others, and having great faith in our treatment team, I was very comfortable with our decision not to require them to come. If the team had told me that there was a high likelihood of his not surviving the surgery, different set of circumstances, different expectations.
I hesitated to post my thoughts but thought that if someone were in an untenable position having to choose between parents and their own family, there are ways to "be there" for someone without being there. Again, it goes to family dynamics and personalities. We wouldn't have made our decision in any other way. But, that is us.
I respect your alls' countering opinions; however, on the perchance someone needs an alternative view to help in decision making, hopefully, mine might give rise to unthought of options. Hey! If you've got the time, opportunity, or whatever, go for it.
It is a decision that you must satisfy for yourself.0 -
family
i remember very little about the day of my surgery except i know that i drove the 50 miles to the hospital with my wife and checked in. then i got into some kind of gown and had an IV put in to help me relax. Within 1 minute I was out and the next thing i remember is waking up after hours of surgery and seeing my son holding my youngest grandaughter. i had a full waiting room of friends and relatives that i dont remember. my wife and i appreciate all the support we recieved before and after and i hope for a long time to come. go there for sure!0 -
Thanks everyone!unknown said:This comment has been removed by the Moderator
I truly appreciate the different opinions on this topic! It has helped me a great deal and I think the main idea I got from this was that no matter what I do, I am going to follow my heart and do the best that I can do. My sister and I are moving forward with our own plans to support my parents even if they don't want to hear about it! This has given me a lot of ideas to help my Mom deal with things as well. My husband has prostate cancer as well, so maybe I should talk to my Mom about how I know what it's like to have a spouse with cancer. That might bring it to a different level than a mother/daughter. Again, thanks and more comments/opionions are welcome!
Jen0 -
Jen - I think your plan is afroggerjen said:Thanks everyone!
I truly appreciate the different opinions on this topic! It has helped me a great deal and I think the main idea I got from this was that no matter what I do, I am going to follow my heart and do the best that I can do. My sister and I are moving forward with our own plans to support my parents even if they don't want to hear about it! This has given me a lot of ideas to help my Mom deal with things as well. My husband has prostate cancer as well, so maybe I should talk to my Mom about how I know what it's like to have a spouse with cancer. That might bring it to a different level than a mother/daughter. Again, thanks and more comments/opionions are welcome!
Jen
Jen - I think your plan is a good one. I am fairly new to this world as my husband was diagnosed November and is about to have his 3rd chemo this week. There is a tendency to want to curl up in a ball and shut the world out, but I do know the support we have received from some has meant an enormous amount to us, and the lack of it from others does hurt.
As a wife (of EC patient) and a mom (to our 2 kids) - my opinion is that you should be as involved and as supportive as much as you possibly can be. They need your support whether they realize it or not, and you need to be able to give that support. You don't want any regrets in the future - no "wish I had", no should have would have could haves. Just be there. Your heart is giving you good guidance.
Freida0 -
Jenn,My dad was the
Jenn,
My dad was the patient. I start by saying this is so difficult, and I sense that you are much like me someone who wants to face this head on and plan and be hopeful ,but realistic.
I can only offer you insight from what I gained from my dad's battle and the family interactions. They are difficult. First we are our parent’s children, and no matter how old or successful we are they are our parents. When my dad was first diagnosed my mother did not want to discuss anything and would only say "we are going to beat this thing" and wouldn't hear anything else. In retrospect what I needed to understand was that my parents had been married for over 50 years at that point and had developed their ways of dealing with things that worked for them. They had faced the aftermath of Katrina and rebuilt their home, and my mom had been a military wife seeing my dad go off to war in Vietnam and other lengthy deployments and lived a lifetime together raising a family. My dad was a military officer and executive used to developing plans and ordering others to execute his vision. And my parents had always taken care of themselves up to this point. They were individuals used to being in control of their fate and lives.
And did I get frustrated, did I want to throw in the towel sometimes, was he stubborn beyond belief, did he refuse to listen and did my mom just sit by and watch all this? Well the answer is Yes and so it became one day at a time, and trying and trying some more.
When cancer happened I can only imagine the immense fear and fear of losing control and facing life alone that my mother must have felt. One time she even said all I want is my husband to get better, for your dad to be okay – I don’t care about the other stuff. So when me, the bossy daughter started talking about the things they needed to do well you can guess that it didn't always go very well. And I don’t know but if your folks are the type of people that like to go with the flow and just take things as they come – the regime of fighting cancer is an overwhelming change in complete contrast to that way of thinking. And if they are Type A then they want to be in charge. There just isn't anything easy about this --- but I do believe that my parents retaining their independence and dignity was very important through all this. My dad did not want the cancer to define him.
I am sure your parents are scared and unsure and all the emotions in between. So walk gently, offer support but try to resist the urge to barge in and take charge. Perhaps you will need to do that eventually but it will happen when they are ready for that level of support.
It was a journey with my dad, there were plenty of bumps, and arguments about what he should do, what my mom should do. I travelled with him to doctors at Sloan in NY, MD Anderson in Houston, and UPMC in Pittsburgh as well as his local doctors in New Orleans. Even a few fighting matches about taking care of mom in case he didn't make it. And my mom wouldn't talk to me about anything but a cure - until one night we were sitting along during one of my visits and she finally opened up about what we were going to do (after my dad had gone to bed) and tearfully asked for me to please help and expressed how scared she was. Initially, I became very involved in helping research and attend different doctor visits (I live in Delaware they are in New Orleans), one of my nieces wasn't working at the time and was able to be there to take dad to chemo, and another niece went when he travelled to Pittsburgh for treatment. My daughter, my dad's brother, and I took time off from work to help and take him to various treatments. My mom had a hard time at the beginning dealing with all this - but at the end she was cleaning his dressings and by his side helping and making the difficult decisions about care. Towards the end, they looked to me to take care of pretty much everything.
And now six months since my dad passed away, we talk about how we might have done some things differently, but recently at Christmas during one of her reflective moments, I looked at her and said you know mom --- dad didn't want to upset you and you didn't want to upset him so you both did things to protect the other. It so reminded me of the classic Christmas Story about the man who sold his prized watch to buy his wife a comb for her beautiful hair and the wife who sold her hair to buy a gold chain for the watch.
I guess I am trying to say we children don't know what our parents are going through, and yes my dad even got angry at the time I took off and my daughter took off from work telling us he didn't want to put or jobs in jeopardy in this economy. So take it easy, be gentle and patient and offer help - when it looks like it is causing too much tension back off a little bit. As chemo and all the other things begin sinking in your parents will probably reach out to you more and welcome your help.
One last thing I would strongly urge is to have you and your sister listed as authorized contracts to receive medical information on your dad's medical condition. Also, check out if your employer is large enough to have to offer you FMLA. Fill out the paperwork and get approved, you can you intermittent FMLA to take your dad to doctor's appointments or to help out before or after surgery or when needed just to give your mom a break.
If you want to talk please message me I will be happy to talk.
Best wishes,
Cindy0 -
I was the worst son ever
Jen, I am recovering from stage III EC. I was DX in Nov 2010 and had MIE surgery at Abbott in Minneapolis April 7, 2011 after chemo and radiation. I am recovering and sure it could maybe come back but that will not be my choice and is certainly not the worst of it.
My mother was DX in 2001 and died in 2002 of EC. I literally drove past my parents home everyday back then on my way to work and my way back home. I never stopped. Now I can only visit her grave and tell her how sorry I am.
I was there for her surgeries and eventually I heard her last breath but I will always regret the time lost that I could have been there for her and my dad.
I wish you and your family the best.
Jim
Wow! That actually felt good to let that cat out of the bag.0 -
Preach it Williamunknown said:This comment has been removed by the Moderator
Thanks William,
My sisters and I are in a bit of a funny situation as well. Your advice is helpful. Boy I'm glad you are here
Jennifer0 -
Hi Jen
I just want to give
Hi Jen
I just want to give you my perspective. I am the mom who is dealing with the dad with this cancer. We have two grown children our daughter lives 30 min. away while our son is about 3 hours away. When we first got the news I was your mom. I could not deal with it. Doctor appointments where a nightmare with me I would sit in the corner and cry at every word. Our daughter took over emediatly and went to every appointment and helped with every dicision. It took awhile for our son to except it ( out of sight out of mind thing). after a few weeks he got envolved also. I gratefully put them on every doctor document so they could get info any time. It has been six months now and Jarrell has gone thru chemo and 28 radiations and just started back on chemo after about a 3 week break. I am just now starting to come to terms with everything I am not there yet and still depend on my daughter for alot. I just wanted to let you know your moms reaction is alot like mine except I was gratefull to let the kids take over. It is a very hard thing to try to except you may loss the man you have been married to since forever. My daughter tells me all the time I am shuting down and we have many angry discussions over it. I think she is finally realizing this is the only way I can deal with it. Just be patient with mom and do get on the doctors list whether she knows it or not she needs that.
just wanted to say hang in there and best of luck. Ida0 -
My point was missed.BMGky said:My desire for privacy has
My desire for privacy has been misunderstood. I never denied any one the opportunity to be with us!
I didn't ask for help and didn't apply pressure on anyone to come. However, with there being school age children, hospital call schedules, unavailability of reliable childcare, singular work responsibilities affecting many others, and having great faith in our treatment team, I was very comfortable with our decision not to require them to come. If the team had told me that there was a high likelihood of his not surviving the surgery, different set of circumstances, different expectations.
I hesitated to post my thoughts but thought that if someone were in an untenable position having to choose between parents and their own family, there are ways to "be there" for someone without being there. Again, it goes to family dynamics and personalities. We wouldn't have made our decision in any other way. But, that is us.
I respect your alls' countering opinions; however, on the perchance someone needs an alternative view to help in decision making, hopefully, mine might give rise to unthought of options. Hey! If you've got the time, opportunity, or whatever, go for it.
It is a decision that you must satisfy for yourself.
It is wonderful when family can be there and supportive. Not all families are the same. I happen to like our family dynamics. We did and are doing great!
My point in posting how we dealt with the situation is hopefully to offer quiet re-assurance to those whose children are not available for one reason or another; whose children have obstacles in their lives that prevent them from being proactive in their parents' care. The lack of physical presence does not mean the absence of caring. I showed just a couple of ways that they were there for us and with us.
There are many additional ways to show your love and care. Our children had complete access to all medical records and physicians. They were in contact daily. They were informed of the decision making process. The medical backgrounds gave them insight into what was going on. We had no disagreements--only the joy of sharing our love for each other and for their father, my husband.
So, for those who are advising your parents, offering them personal emotional support, setting up appointments, going with them to the treatments, preparing their meals, washing their clothes, managing their medicines, and/or staying with them as often as possible: good for you. For those family members who can't, although wanting to, parents understand as well.
And, please, I understand this is a minority viewpoint, but if it helps someone who doesn't have a viable choice, that's what I'm trying to do. If my viewpoint differs from yours, keeping your disagreement from an appearance of personal attack would be appreciated.
We each and all are fighting EC and hope to help each other.0 -
This comment has been removed by the Moderatorifalk said:Hi Jen
I just want to give
Hi Jen
I just want to give you my perspective. I am the mom who is dealing with the dad with this cancer. We have two grown children our daughter lives 30 min. away while our son is about 3 hours away. When we first got the news I was your mom. I could not deal with it. Doctor appointments where a nightmare with me I would sit in the corner and cry at every word. Our daughter took over emediatly and went to every appointment and helped with every dicision. It took awhile for our son to except it ( out of sight out of mind thing). after a few weeks he got envolved also. I gratefully put them on every doctor document so they could get info any time. It has been six months now and Jarrell has gone thru chemo and 28 radiations and just started back on chemo after about a 3 week break. I am just now starting to come to terms with everything I am not there yet and still depend on my daughter for alot. I just wanted to let you know your moms reaction is alot like mine except I was gratefull to let the kids take over. It is a very hard thing to try to except you may loss the man you have been married to since forever. My daughter tells me all the time I am shuting down and we have many angry discussions over it. I think she is finally realizing this is the only way I can deal with it. Just be patient with mom and do get on the doctors list whether she knows it or not she needs that.
just wanted to say hang in there and best of luck. Ida0 -
Tough one!
I am the sole caregiver for my mom (84, stage III, inoperable). My bro was unbelievably helpful when mom was first diagnosed, but then his wife was dx with mets to the brain so he's had his handful there. I don't have a support group of fam/friends who come and help. It's just me. I did set up a Caring Bridge unbeknownst to mom (she would never have agreed). I keep distant relatives informed via Caring Bridge.
Mom was in denial in the beginning. Didn't want to tell anyone or talk about it or accept it. She has completed 31 radiation sessions and her concurrent chemo treatments. She still doesn't like talking to people and can sometimes be really rude to people. She's very stubborn in her ways.
What I do is tell her the best things to do. If she chooses to do them I'm happy. If she chooses not to, then I feel frustrated, but I leave her alone to do what she thinks is best. I did bring mom to live with me as I was 30 miles away. I take her to all her appts and keep track of her meds. She is just not very open about much.
So maybe your mom is just deep into denial and right now doesn't want to talk about things. I would suggest that you not push it. This disease is so progressive and the treatment is difficult. She will, at some point, probably need help... or maybe not. I don't know how old she is or how fit she is. I'm 61 and am fairly fit, so I'm quite capable of running around with mom and doing what needs to be done. I also have a very understanding husband who helps me around the house, shops, will cook if I ask him to, does most of the errands, etc. so in that regard I'm lucky.
It's a hard position for you, but I think once you are able to talk out the dynamics of the situation you might find you are all your best support group! Good luck. Hang in there. Good that you have a sis!0 -
I forgot to mention thatGinny_B said:Tough one!
I am the sole caregiver for my mom (84, stage III, inoperable). My bro was unbelievably helpful when mom was first diagnosed, but then his wife was dx with mets to the brain so he's had his handful there. I don't have a support group of fam/friends who come and help. It's just me. I did set up a Caring Bridge unbeknownst to mom (she would never have agreed). I keep distant relatives informed via Caring Bridge.
Mom was in denial in the beginning. Didn't want to tell anyone or talk about it or accept it. She has completed 31 radiation sessions and her concurrent chemo treatments. She still doesn't like talking to people and can sometimes be really rude to people. She's very stubborn in her ways.
What I do is tell her the best things to do. If she chooses to do them I'm happy. If she chooses not to, then I feel frustrated, but I leave her alone to do what she thinks is best. I did bring mom to live with me as I was 30 miles away. I take her to all her appts and keep track of her meds. She is just not very open about much.
So maybe your mom is just deep into denial and right now doesn't want to talk about things. I would suggest that you not push it. This disease is so progressive and the treatment is difficult. She will, at some point, probably need help... or maybe not. I don't know how old she is or how fit she is. I'm 61 and am fairly fit, so I'm quite capable of running around with mom and doing what needs to be done. I also have a very understanding husband who helps me around the house, shops, will cook if I ask him to, does most of the errands, etc. so in that regard I'm lucky.
It's a hard position for you, but I think once you are able to talk out the dynamics of the situation you might find you are all your best support group! Good luck. Hang in there. Good that you have a sis!
I forgot to mention that when mom was first diagnosed, she refused to listen or comprehend if she did listen. She shut out everything. Didn't want to know anything and basically said she didn't understand. She still says she doesn't want to know.
So sometimes there is just a lot of denial going around.
Mom has been that way all her life - if she heard bad news, she shut it off and didn't listen. She also would not talk about it... immediately, but maybe a week later she'd say, "What was it you said about..."0 -
FAMILY DYNAMICS
Jen,
This is a real tricky area. Family dynamics are developed over years. So, let me share my experience as a caregiver. My husband was diagnosed in April of 2011. At first, I was able to let go and allow others to get him back and forth to treatments, etc. Of course I was working and we still needed my income. In mid june he began having horrible nausea. The nausea meds weren't helping much and we ended up in ER. Between the nausea meds and the treatment, he became confused. I took an emergency family leave to stay home with him. I just could not ask my family to come in the hours I was at work and stay with him, even though we have our oldest daughter right next door. I knew that she was busy with her farm, she and her husband had just started a business, and they have two kids to look after. I had plenty of offers of help, I just needed to be with him.
It may be that your mom is in denial. And maybe she just can't talk about it right now. I know I had difficulty, because I would break down and cry anytime someone asked about him. It was tough at work, I had worked in my facility for ten years with a lot of caring people, and they wanted to know about how he was. It was also difficult because I work in a nursing home with lots of nurses. Sometimes the look on a nurses' face tells you alot. When I would say Esophageal Cancer, their faces literally sagged. In long term care we see an awful lot of end results. They are oftern not great.
During treatment and after surgery, we had lots of people who were willing to come over to give me a break, I had a lot of trouble letting go of the responsibility of his care. I took possession of it in a big way. I recall one time after his surgery that a friend drove 2 1/2 hours to spend a weekend with us. The plan was for me to go to my cousins wedding while our friend Mark stayed with Rick. Just as I was leaving, Rick had a coughing fit and vomited. I wasn't going to leave, but Mark said "I can handle this, he's ok now. You are a phone call away. Go! you need to get out of here for a while." My husband gave this the nod. I went, even though I had a lot of trouble letting go. Another problem we ran into with care giving was even though our daughter was perfectly willing to come stay with him, she had difficulty laying the law down about taking meds, or eating or drinking. He's her dad, and it was just too hard for her to say look dad, you have to do this. he has been her mentor and her hero, in her eyes he's always strong and Dad is always right. During that time sometimes you had to push him a lot to get those basics done.
I even got so I didn't want other people around at all. An older friend said it best to me. She is caring for her terminally ill husband as well as dealing with her own health issues. She said "I get so I hate other people. I don't want them around, even though I know that's not a healthy thing to do. I just have to get on with what has to be done, and I don't want anyone esle interfereing." I have felt that way myself.
Go see your parents. i don't know how large the town is where they live is, but chances are people do know about his diagnosis. But until u go see for yourself, you won't know. Don't worry about making them feel as if they can't do anything on their own. We all need support through this quest, and in the end they will realize this.0
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