What is politically correct??
I know the cliche responses "You look fantastic" or "You are such a trooper" rile some feathers in this group. But putting myself in the shoes of my family and friends, what are appropriate comments or statements one can make? Is there really any? I personally don't get offended every time I hear the "Oh you look great" comment (which is probably at least once a week). In my opinion it's hard for them to talk about your cancer and they are just testing the waters on how much you are willing to divulge. It's a conversation starter and also a way of keeping our moral and spirits lifted.
What are your thoughts?
Lorrie
Comments
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I totally agree with you-I
I totally agree with you-I dont' get offended & most people don't know how you will react, sos that is good way to open! IF YOU do not want to talk about it you just say "THANKS"-end of conversation. IF you want to talk you can take the lead!
Denise
I THINK it's better then some who just dont' comment-so it makes you unsure if don't care, dont' like to talk about things (could bring up bad memories of family members)0 -
Okay by medisneyfan2008 said:I totally agree with you-I
I totally agree with you-I dont' get offended & most people don't know how you will react, sos that is good way to open! IF YOU do not want to talk about it you just say "THANKS"-end of conversation. IF you want to talk you can take the lead!
Denise
I THINK it's better then some who just dont' comment-so it makes you unsure if don't care, dont' like to talk about things (could bring up bad memories of family members)
I've had a number of people tell I'm looking good. Then they go on to ask how I'm doing or feeling. Most really want to know since I'm not in "active" treatment any more. They want to know if I've gotten my stamina and energy back and are there to help if told I'm still struggling with that - what can we do?. But I've been pretty open with people about my journey and post regularly on my Caring Bridge site so folks have followed along.0 -
When I was really really badskipper54 said:Okay by me
I've had a number of people tell I'm looking good. Then they go on to ask how I'm doing or feeling. Most really want to know since I'm not in "active" treatment any more. They want to know if I've gotten my stamina and energy back and are there to help if told I'm still struggling with that - what can we do?. But I've been pretty open with people about my journey and post regularly on my Caring Bridge site so folks have followed along.
When I was really really bad and unable to breathe, I didn't really see anybody. When I got a little better, I did go out and people were very kind. I play around a lot with scarves and big earrings, etc so people make comments about those things. They do tell me I look good - probably because I use a bit of makeup to keep color in my face. I don't want to scare anybody. They almost always ask how I'm doing and I keep it as concise as possible but still give the facts. That seems to work ok. I believe people who ask care or they wouldn't be asking. I have a couple of clients who really don't want to know and so don't ask anything. That's fine with me too.
Hope you're doing well!
Take care,
Hugs,
Pam0 -
My answer to that is "I takemamolady said:So it's all gone now?
This is the other question that is hard to answer with out telling a lie. Or "you are cured now?"
Help on this would be great!
Cindy
My answer to that is "I take it a day at a time". I leave it at that. I don't give any more information than I have to and I feel that covers it pretty well. I think the question "are you cured now" is rude and I don't want to play in that arena.
Hugs,
Pam0 -
I'm with you...and I wonder,
I'm with you...and I wonder, when I knew NOTHING about cancer, and lived in a state of blissful ignorance,if I too said things which reflected that ignorance. Proably did~ why should I be exempt from saying the wrong thing?! I hope that those people knew my heart was in the right place and that I meant no harm...I just didn't know what to say!
I get a lot of "you look great" too~ I smile and say thank you! What else are we going to say? "No I don't and I feel like crap?" "Why are you lying to me?" "Sure, I do...wanna trade places so you can look this good too"? I mean really....LOL I let people hug me and love me and tell me how brave and strong I am. I think it helps them as much as it helps me...they are uncomfortable, and HOPE that I look good!
We had a good friend who was sadly losing the battle to this damnable disease ( not BC, but cancer nonetheless) He was in the hospital, either in bed or in a wheelchair and truth be told he did NOT look good~ he looked sort of transluscent and so weak. I went to visit him often, and held his hand, and hugged him gently. I was not dying, but I knew what it was like to have cancer and the tired, pale scared look. Sadly, I would guess that over 75% of his base of friends, mostly the guys he drank with, played golf with, went on vacations with etc etc could not bring themselves to go visit him...they were too freaked out. I have often wondered if he noticed how few people were coming to see him. I know his wife did. And I found it heartbreaking.
So, I dunno~ we are all just people with our own demons and insecurities~ as long as our friends/acquaintences aren't being mean to us, let them say how beautiful we are! No harm, no foul.
Hugs to all of the damn good looking, strong, kick-a$$ Kindreds here on the boards!
Chen♥0 -
Same here
I get the "You look great" or the "How are you feeling" or even "Are you all done with treatments?" I have been very open about my journey on Facebook and in person, so most people in my circle know what's going on. I ocassionally will get the "are you cured" question. My answer is "Well, for right now, there is nothing showing anywhere." I think saying I am never cured makes them feel bad.0 -
"Politically Correct" - what is that really?
It doesn't bother me at all what someone says to me or asks as long a it is honestly said/asked. I do have issues with people from 2 different churches in the area that will stop when I'm out mowing my yard (or the 2 neighbor's yards I mow to help them out) and tell me that I shouldn't be out mowing when I have cancer (how they know that is beyond me as I don't know any of them or attend their churchs) - that they will come do it and that my Hubby is worthless because he doesn't do it. (I love to mow grass and our deal is and has been for 35+ yrs that I mow and he weed-eats[I hate doing that]). The first time or 2 I was polite to them but now when they stop I give them quite an earfull using all the "nice" words I learned growing up on USAF bases, in the Army and as a Navy wife - so I've got lots of "colorful" language I can fall back on when it's called for.
This has been a question in my mind for some time now - how do you know what is the right thing to say to some even when you are a survivor? It's often said that someone who has dealt with breast cancer would not say a certain thing - but I'm a survivor ans see nothing wrong with the statement. With some, it seems like anyone is damned if they something (no matter what) and damned if they say nothing. Personally - I want someone to say whatever they are thinking as long as they are being honest. 'Stupid' questions/statements (Are you cured yet?; All breast cancer is the same.; ect.) are great as it give me the chance to educate the unknowing.
I don't think that there is any "right" or "wrong" thing to say that fits all. We are each so unique and our life experiences are so diverse so there is no "one size fits all".
Susan0 -
Beautychenheart said:I'm with you...and I wonder,
I'm with you...and I wonder, when I knew NOTHING about cancer, and lived in a state of blissful ignorance,if I too said things which reflected that ignorance. Proably did~ why should I be exempt from saying the wrong thing?! I hope that those people knew my heart was in the right place and that I meant no harm...I just didn't know what to say!
I get a lot of "you look great" too~ I smile and say thank you! What else are we going to say? "No I don't and I feel like crap?" "Why are you lying to me?" "Sure, I do...wanna trade places so you can look this good too"? I mean really....LOL I let people hug me and love me and tell me how brave and strong I am. I think it helps them as much as it helps me...they are uncomfortable, and HOPE that I look good!
We had a good friend who was sadly losing the battle to this damnable disease ( not BC, but cancer nonetheless) He was in the hospital, either in bed or in a wheelchair and truth be told he did NOT look good~ he looked sort of transluscent and so weak. I went to visit him often, and held his hand, and hugged him gently. I was not dying, but I knew what it was like to have cancer and the tired, pale scared look. Sadly, I would guess that over 75% of his base of friends, mostly the guys he drank with, played golf with, went on vacations with etc etc could not bring themselves to go visit him...they were too freaked out. I have often wondered if he noticed how few people were coming to see him. I know his wife did. And I found it heartbreaking.
So, I dunno~ we are all just people with our own demons and insecurities~ as long as our friends/acquaintences aren't being mean to us, let them say how beautiful we are! No harm, no foul.
Hugs to all of the damn good looking, strong, kick-a$$ Kindreds here on the boards!
Chen♥
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder - so whose to say that any one is wrong to say that 'you' are beautiful to them.
Susan0 -
No one told me I looked
No one told me I looked good! :>(
Actually I liked the silence. Just act like normal approach.
I like to be invisible. Not all the time tho. Once the gal at McD looked right past me to the guy behind me and took his order. I did get waited on finally.
I waited for others to ask cancer/health questions. Most didn't ask. Maybe that's why they never said I looked good.0 -
okay, I am sucker and have
okay, I am sucker and have totally bought into the 'you look great' even when I had no hair on my head and had gained 25lbs. What ruffles my feathers is the dismissive 'you'll be fine' or 'you're fine' because really at that point what the #%*@ do they know? Those people I divulge very little and minimise my contact with them.
In the response to 'How are you doing?' question I typically tell them how I feel in the larger picture - 'In the grand scheme of the universe and everything I am doing great, my spirits are good, however on the physical plane I feel awful'.
I admit I do make an effort to be upbeat with most people and when I am feeling poopy or bitchy I take a step back. When I see someone I know who has cancer, usual after the 'nicy nice' greeting, I do ask them 'so what is really going on' to let them know I feel comfortable with them spilling the beans or not if they don't want to.
I tend to feel out the situation and what people might be comfortable with.0 -
when people tell me I look goodMarcia527 said:No one told me I looked
No one told me I looked good! :>(
Actually I liked the silence. Just act like normal approach.
I like to be invisible. Not all the time tho. Once the gal at McD looked right past me to the guy behind me and took his order. I did get waited on finally.
I waited for others to ask cancer/health questions. Most didn't ask. Maybe that's why they never said I looked good.
I embraced that....I want to look good...considering I’m bald I make an effort to wear make up with hoop earring & colorful scarves...I want to feel beautiful and why shouldn’t I... it beat them telling me "are you ok? you dont look good today"
Eva0 -
This can be a hard one.
For me it depends on who and how something is presented.
Had to go into work to sign off on some paperwork yesterday. I was approached by many who were close, and those that were associates and never more. A lot asked questions, I answered them honestly, all were kind. At this point I thanked them and knew they meant it. Before going out on disability a year ago, I was so puffy, 3 months later went back 20 lbs heavier from medications. This time was 32 lbs lighter and dropped 3 sizes, so I am looking more myself. Some said I looked beat, agreed, just came from chemo.
One gal, known for foot in mouth, asked if I was going to be okay long-term. Fair question, my response was I am good today and I am planning on still being good 3 months from now and doing all I can to make that happen. She then asked again what my long-term outcome will be? Answered with hopefully I can fight this for a long time. Finally one of my friends sitting with a group of 5 of us said, we have to get this done, which took me off the hook, as her questions would never have ended. I knew that whatever I said would be through the office in 15 minutes, and probably planning my funeral.(lol) We all just smiled.
I am so open and willing to educate on my disease, but I am not always willing to share personal details with strangers. I was told yesterday by many that I looked good, but how do you feel? Fair question, and when asked in this manner I am open to sharing.
Through this journey, I am learning that it is also my 'responsibility' to educate others if I want them to understand. Face it, at some point everyone will be affected by cancer or some other life altering disease, and maybe my purpose is to help others deal with illness. I think that this journey is giving me patience and understanding for both family, friends, strangers and myself! And humor mixed in sure lightens the load!0 -
Is that your real hair now? as they run their fingers through itcamul said:This can be a hard one.
For me it depends on who and how something is presented.
Had to go into work to sign off on some paperwork yesterday. I was approached by many who were close, and those that were associates and never more. A lot asked questions, I answered them honestly, all were kind. At this point I thanked them and knew they meant it. Before going out on disability a year ago, I was so puffy, 3 months later went back 20 lbs heavier from medications. This time was 32 lbs lighter and dropped 3 sizes, so I am looking more myself. Some said I looked beat, agreed, just came from chemo.
One gal, known for foot in mouth, asked if I was going to be okay long-term. Fair question, my response was I am good today and I am planning on still being good 3 months from now and doing all I can to make that happen. She then asked again what my long-term outcome will be? Answered with hopefully I can fight this for a long time. Finally one of my friends sitting with a group of 5 of us said, we have to get this done, which took me off the hook, as her questions would never have ended. I knew that whatever I said would be through the office in 15 minutes, and probably planning my funeral.(lol) We all just smiled.
I am so open and willing to educate on my disease, but I am not always willing to share personal details with strangers. I was told yesterday by many that I looked good, but how do you feel? Fair question, and when asked in this manner I am open to sharing.
Through this journey, I am learning that it is also my 'responsibility' to educate others if I want them to understand. Face it, at some point everyone will be affected by cancer or some other life altering disease, and maybe my purpose is to help others deal with illness. I think that this journey is giving me patience and understanding for both family, friends, strangers and myself! And humor mixed in sure lightens the load!
is NOT PC! At least not in my opinion. I've had that happen a few times. I'd sort of like to slap them silly and run my fingers through their hair and ask if it's real. But I try to smile and say "you'd better believe it, and I earned every one of those hairs back.0 -
Cindy: Off Topic but mymamolady said:So it's all gone now?
This is the other question that is hard to answer with out telling a lie. Or "you are cured now?"
Help on this would be great!
Cindy
Cindy: Off Topic but my daughter is dyslexic-went to private school that specialized in that! They ask if she is cured...YOU are never really cured-you just adjust your life to what you must! I also have U.C. the same it will never GO 100% away-
How do you answer them? or just let it go?
Denise0 -
@skipperskipper54 said:Is that your real hair now? as they run their fingers through it
is NOT PC! At least not in my opinion. I've had that happen a few times. I'd sort of like to slap them silly and run my fingers through their hair and ask if it's real. But I try to smile and say "you'd better believe it, and I earned every one of those hairs back.
I agree with you on that comment. I did not have chemo so I CAN'T RELATE to others-but I DO KNOW I THINK that would be rude! Do you comment on people who wear glasses, hearing aides or fake teeth?
Denise0 -
I don't know what is the
I don't know what is the right thing to say or not to say really. I don't get offended with anything people say ( unless they are ignorant remarks ). I answer questions if asked. You never know, What you tell some one today may help them next month or next year. If they get cancer. I have people ask me all the time how I am. It don't bother me. It would bother me more if no one asked.. People don't know what to say. I know I didn't until I got cancer. Take care all Kay.0 -
GH
how bout 'Hello good to see you" and give a gentle hug, because she/he probably still has a port.
OR: Hello, you have been on my heart.
Or: Hello you've been on my mind and want you to know I'm here for you.
Or: Hello I'd like to prepare dinner for you, what time may I drop it off
Or: I'm open to talking about what you are going thru ONLY if you want to dicuss it, and let her/him do the talking. Dont, I say dont tell her about someone you know who is going thru the very same thing Please dont say that. Keep the focus on her, she doesnt need to hear about others tales of woe, because she has enough of her own. Just listen and tell her you care.
These are the things i wanted to hear, but didnt except for one friend.0 -
Certainlynatly15 said:GH
how bout 'Hello good to see you" and give a gentle hug, because she/he probably still has a port.
OR: Hello, you have been on my heart.
Or: Hello you've been on my mind and want you to know I'm here for you.
Or: Hello I'd like to prepare dinner for you, what time may I drop it off
Or: I'm open to talking about what you are going thru ONLY if you want to dicuss it, and let her/him do the talking. Dont, I say dont tell her about someone you know who is going thru the very same thing Please dont say that. Keep the focus on her, she doesnt need to hear about others tales of woe, because she has enough of her own. Just listen and tell her you care.
These are the things i wanted to hear, but didnt except for one friend.
I don't have the answers. But personally, I don't get offended by anyone who clumsily tries to ask how I'm doing. Instead, I try to answer their questions and express my appreciation that they care enough to ask. I also try to answer in an open, honest manner (with as much detail as they want to know). I'm not ashamed that I have cancer, and maybe one person at a time, I can help keep the awareness alive. Having said on this site before that until my own diagnosis, I knew next-to-nothing about cancer and surely didn't know what to say to others. After reading here for about a year and a half now, I'm often surprised at how many are offended by things that are said (or left unsaid). After all, people are curious by nature and often times, really do care. Just sayin'.
Marsha0 -
One of the things that
One of the things that someone said to me when i finished chemo was - "I'm so glad you're finished with all that horrible sh*t"0
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