When it is time to put friendships to rest.....

camul
camul Member Posts: 2,537
This girlfriend and I have worked together, gone on trips together, have been friends for 14 years, good friends for about 6. We have plans to go to a show out of town this week. One of the first things she asked is if I am wearing my wig. Said no... then there was silence. (I always wear a cute hat or scarf). Then she mentioned another trip she is going on in a few weeks, and I said that should be fun. She then got kind of weird and said she couldn't invite me because I couldn't keep up with them. I wouldn't have been able to go as I am not real mobile, and can't sit for any length of time so driving or flying would be out. I didn't say anything, was kind of taken a back by her defensive tone.

Recently, when she calls, she will ask how I am doing. If I say okay or fine, then she will continue on with her conversation. If I say anything else, then she cant talk, she is way too busy. I have cancer, I am not stupid. I do not need friends that feel they are doing me a favor by calling. I have plenty of friends and family that genuinely want to spend time with me and we have fun together.

A bunch of our group had plans to go out about 2 months ago, and she canceled with this elaborate story, but then ran into mutual friends who mentioned it to some of us. (I wasn't planning on going, it was chemo week). But it is this need to lie or feel like she has to make up excuses.

My son says to still go this week as I have been looking forward to the show, but he thinks that I should approach the subject on the drive back. I was thinking back and realize that this is not all new behavior, I am just more aware of it. Part of me just feels like this is not a friendship that is worth the effort.
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Comments

  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    Oh how I hate the "egg-shell
    Oh how I hate the "egg-shell dance"!!!! Elaborate stories, half truths,wondering if she ( not you!) is going to be embarrassed in public by you not wearing a wig...too much non-friend behavior for me!It is ultimately your choice, but being as you put this out on a public forum, seems to me, you have already made your decision!
    About the show....your son does have a point. And yet, if it is only the 2 of you going, you have to decide how much fun it will be, and what the comfort level in the car will be~ especially if you are waiting to have "the talk" on the way home.

    Take care of yourself~ physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And if you find you have things or people in your life who are not contributing to your well-being, well.....

    Hugs,
    Chen♥
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    sorry you are going through
    sorry you are going through this and I Hope you are feeling a bit better..

    Denise
  • mamolady
    mamolady Member Posts: 796 Member
    Some people can't be around
    Some people can't be around people who are sick. It isn't anything personal, that is just the way they are.
    If you approach her it may not change anything but if you want to continue the friendship you may want to find a time to talk to her.
    If you decide that you don't want to put more energy into this friendship than the discussion is really necessary.
    Is it possible to go to the show with someone else?

    Cindy
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    mamolady said:

    Some people can't be around
    Some people can't be around people who are sick. It isn't anything personal, that is just the way they are.
    If you approach her it may not change anything but if you want to continue the friendship you may want to find a time to talk to her.
    If you decide that you don't want to put more energy into this friendship than the discussion is really necessary.
    Is it possible to go to the show with someone else?

    Cindy

    It is my experience that
    It is my experience that having talks rarely goes well. Unless the person is well put together and this doesnt seem the case. I dont get the not being comfortable with a scarf thing as its not them. but I have found people can be strange. I would go and then take a rest from this person, enjoy the show, and dont have any drama as you dont have the energy for it.
  • SueRelays
    SueRelays Member Posts: 485
    Boy I can relate to this.
    Boy I can relate to this. I have lost friends over the last
    couple of years dealing with cancer that I never would
    have imagined wouldn't/couldn't/didn't want to deal with
    it/me....and gained just as many that shocked me with how
    compassionate & caring they were. I really think it's just
    another part of this journey...the realization of who really
    matters in our lives.
    I'm literally speechless that she would ask if you were going
    to wear a wig. Too bad you couldn't have fired back & said
    "only if you're going to be sure to wear make up"!!!
    I think that was so insensitive & speaks volumes about what
    kind if person she is & sounds like ultimately you're
    better without. I think I would make up as big as story as she
    did to you....but hey...I'm Italian & sometimes I just can't let
    that revenge aspect go!
    Do what makes YOU happy!! If it's going & then moving
    on from there...do it! Life is all about US right now. Do things
    for selfish reasons for a change :) :)n
  • dbhadra
    dbhadra Member Posts: 344 Member
    SueRelays said:

    Boy I can relate to this.
    Boy I can relate to this. I have lost friends over the last
    couple of years dealing with cancer that I never would
    have imagined wouldn't/couldn't/didn't want to deal with
    it/me....and gained just as many that shocked me with how
    compassionate & caring they were. I really think it's just
    another part of this journey...the realization of who really
    matters in our lives.
    I'm literally speechless that she would ask if you were going
    to wear a wig. Too bad you couldn't have fired back & said
    "only if you're going to be sure to wear make up"!!!
    I think that was so insensitive & speaks volumes about what
    kind if person she is & sounds like ultimately you're
    better without. I think I would make up as big as story as she
    did to you....but hey...I'm Italian & sometimes I just can't let
    that revenge aspect go!
    Do what makes YOU happy!! If it's going & then moving
    on from there...do it! Life is all about US right now. Do things
    for selfish reasons for a change :) :)n

    Asking if you were wearing your wig
    Is to me quite odd. I mean, should we be ashamed or embarassed that we're bald from chemo? Sorry but I have never felt that way. My kids would ask me to wear my wig when I went to their school, didn't bother me that they asked since, hey they are kids after all. But coming from a grownup I find it a little immature.

    Yes, to gaining and losing friends in the cancer journey. Many of my friends have been suer supportive, but some family members have nit been able to handle the situation. We need to take care of ourselves and avoid toxic people.

    Laura
  • Double Whammy
    Double Whammy Member Posts: 2,832 Member
    SueRelays said:

    Boy I can relate to this.
    Boy I can relate to this. I have lost friends over the last
    couple of years dealing with cancer that I never would
    have imagined wouldn't/couldn't/didn't want to deal with
    it/me....and gained just as many that shocked me with how
    compassionate & caring they were. I really think it's just
    another part of this journey...the realization of who really
    matters in our lives.
    I'm literally speechless that she would ask if you were going
    to wear a wig. Too bad you couldn't have fired back & said
    "only if you're going to be sure to wear make up"!!!
    I think that was so insensitive & speaks volumes about what
    kind if person she is & sounds like ultimately you're
    better without. I think I would make up as big as story as she
    did to you....but hey...I'm Italian & sometimes I just can't let
    that revenge aspect go!
    Do what makes YOU happy!! If it's going & then moving
    on from there...do it! Life is all about US right now. Do things
    for selfish reasons for a change :) :)n

    I can relate
    Carol, without going into details I understand your frustration, hurt, and anger. I have had to distance myself both emotionally and physically from 2 women who I considered two of my closest friends prior to me getting cancer last year. Every time I even speak to one of them on the phone, I get upset. Just did about an hour ago, in fact. Sigh.

    Sue is right, do what makes YOU happy. It's time to be selfish. Too bad it took having cancer to put some things into perspective for us.

    I hope you can have a pleasant, unstressful trip with your "friend". Maybe I should introduce her to mine . . .

    Suzanne
  • laughs_a_lot
    laughs_a_lot Member Posts: 1,368 Member
    obviously
    Obviously there are those that are more concerned about appearances than content of one's character. If she is a true friend she would be asking what kind of activities you can tolerate and be shaping a few get togethers around that.
  • smalldoggroomer
    smalldoggroomer Member Posts: 1,184
    I know how you feel. I have
    I know how you feel. I have ( or had a friend I guess ) a friend that I have known for 15 years. Like you we have worked together gone on vacation together ( Her and her husband and my husband and I )I have always been there when ever she needed me. she was always the kind of person that can't handle stress or emergencies. I remember once we was loading out horses up to go to the forest and hers fell in the trailer. She literally ran away! Left me to take care of him. I did and he was fine. When she had open heart surgery I was there every day. But since I have been sick she has slowly moved aways from me. Now I have not heard from her in a few months. I was always the one to call and see how she was. One day I wondered if I stopped would she call? Now I know the answer. I just don't know why she couldn't talk to me we were very close ( when I was doing for her ). Once like sisters now nothing. And I can't understand it. It just hurts.
  • buckeye2
    buckeye2 Member Posts: 428 Member
    I think that sometimes it is
    I think that sometimes it is easy for those with the cancer to be judgmental about the behavior of those closest to them. I know because I've done it. Your friend is having a difficult time facing your situation not because she cares less about you but believes she is powerless . I think you should continue to reach out and help her feel more comfortable. Every friendship is worth it. Lisa
  • TraciInLA
    TraciInLA Member Posts: 1,994 Member
    buckeye2 said:

    I think that sometimes it is
    I think that sometimes it is easy for those with the cancer to be judgmental about the behavior of those closest to them. I know because I've done it. Your friend is having a difficult time facing your situation not because she cares less about you but believes she is powerless . I think you should continue to reach out and help her feel more comfortable. Every friendship is worth it. Lisa

    I think it may be different for those who are Stage IV
    Two of my friends, as I describe it, "fell off the face of the earth" when I started treatment. It hurt like hell. But my treatment was only 8 months from diagnosis to last day of radiation -- since recovering and getting back to my life, I've been back in touch with these friends, and see them occasionally. I'll never feel the same way about them, knowing that I probably won't be able to count on them if/when I ever have a recurrence or even just a scare, but do enjoy spending time with them.

    But, camul, it's my understanding that you're in treatment for the long haul. If I were in your place, I think I might feel that my time and energy would be better spent with those friends and family you're blessed to have who want to spend time with you and who bring you joy. I wouldn't feel there was as much room in my life anymore for worrying about how everyone else feels.

    Definitely NOT trying to tell you how YOU should feel -- just my thoughts.

    Traci
  • missrenee
    missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
    TraciInLA said:

    I think it may be different for those who are Stage IV
    Two of my friends, as I describe it, "fell off the face of the earth" when I started treatment. It hurt like hell. But my treatment was only 8 months from diagnosis to last day of radiation -- since recovering and getting back to my life, I've been back in touch with these friends, and see them occasionally. I'll never feel the same way about them, knowing that I probably won't be able to count on them if/when I ever have a recurrence or even just a scare, but do enjoy spending time with them.

    But, camul, it's my understanding that you're in treatment for the long haul. If I were in your place, I think I might feel that my time and energy would be better spent with those friends and family you're blessed to have who want to spend time with you and who bring you joy. I wouldn't feel there was as much room in my life anymore for worrying about how everyone else feels.

    Definitely NOT trying to tell you how YOU should feel -- just my thoughts.

    Traci

    I am so in agreement with Traci
    The way I look at it, I don't have time for the toxic friends or relationships anymore. My time is way too valuable and precious to me. You seem to have many other friends and family who mean a lot to you. Spend your time enjoying them and having them enjoy you--for exactly who you are--a wonderful, brave, interesting woman.

    If I felt strongly enough, I might even tell this person, "Look, I obviously make you uncomfortable, hold you back, etc. so maybe it's best if we part ways--while we're still friends. My life is too precious to waste time worrying about how others feel about me and I really don't need the stress in my life." She can take it well, get mad, whatever--remember, it's not you, it's her.

    Good luck, sweetie. Keep company with the wonderful people who build you up, not bring you down.

    Hugs, Renee
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
    I spend more time with
    I spend more time with people who I'm comfortable with and let the others contact me. If they never do...I don't hold my breath. But I like talking to myself. That's one person I usually agree with.
  • camul
    camul Member Posts: 2,537
    TraciInLA said:

    I think it may be different for those who are Stage IV
    Two of my friends, as I describe it, "fell off the face of the earth" when I started treatment. It hurt like hell. But my treatment was only 8 months from diagnosis to last day of radiation -- since recovering and getting back to my life, I've been back in touch with these friends, and see them occasionally. I'll never feel the same way about them, knowing that I probably won't be able to count on them if/when I ever have a recurrence or even just a scare, but do enjoy spending time with them.

    But, camul, it's my understanding that you're in treatment for the long haul. If I were in your place, I think I might feel that my time and energy would be better spent with those friends and family you're blessed to have who want to spend time with you and who bring you joy. I wouldn't feel there was as much room in my life anymore for worrying about how everyone else feels.

    Definitely NOT trying to tell you how YOU should feel -- just my thoughts.

    Traci

    Thanks everyone
    I started thinking that maybe this is how everyone is when someone gets sick, but I guess others have experienced it. Like Chen said, it is the half truths and walking on eggshells. No more. I will go (wigless), and have a good time. Then after that just take it for what it is.

    Yes Traci, I am in treatment for the long haul, and my life is too short to spend time on this. I can spend this time with family and friends who really do care! It is just hard to realize that friends can be like this. Funny though, others who I never felt as close to have become great sources of fun and inspiration.

    Thanks everyone, I really have felt hurt over this for a week. Now I know it isn't me, it is how others cope, or don't cope, with illness.

    Carol
  • TraciInLA
    TraciInLA Member Posts: 1,994 Member
    Marcia527 said:

    I spend more time with
    I spend more time with people who I'm comfortable with and let the others contact me. If they never do...I don't hold my breath. But I like talking to myself. That's one person I usually agree with.

    Talking to yourself, huh, Marcia...?
    ...and you answer back? Hmmm...

    Ladies, do we need to have some kind of intervention here? Or would it be rude to interrupt such polite (and agreeable) conversation?

    LOL,

    Traci
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
    camul said:

    Thanks everyone
    I started thinking that maybe this is how everyone is when someone gets sick, but I guess others have experienced it. Like Chen said, it is the half truths and walking on eggshells. No more. I will go (wigless), and have a good time. Then after that just take it for what it is.

    Yes Traci, I am in treatment for the long haul, and my life is too short to spend time on this. I can spend this time with family and friends who really do care! It is just hard to realize that friends can be like this. Funny though, others who I never felt as close to have become great sources of fun and inspiration.

    Thanks everyone, I really have felt hurt over this for a week. Now I know it isn't me, it is how others cope, or don't cope, with illness.

    Carol

    Again, you show me what a
    Again, you show me what a strong wonderful person you are. It is really hard to let a longtime friendship slip away. But as others have said, you don't need to spend your energy being hurt. Invest your energy where you get a better return.

    Hugs,
    Linda
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    TraciInLA said:

    Talking to yourself, huh, Marcia...?
    ...and you answer back? Hmmm...

    Ladies, do we need to have some kind of intervention here? Or would it be rude to interrupt such polite (and agreeable) conversation?

    LOL,

    Traci

    I agree as well. I no longer
    I agree as well. I no longer wish to waste my time and what little energy I have dealing with people like that. However my way of exiting in the past has not been beneficial for anyone especially me. Now I just gracefully exit the stage, so there is no awkwardness when you do see her.
    I dont know if I have become less tolerant or just am tired. I know I no longer have the energy to understand, nor do i think i deseve to be treated in a way I dont like.
  • deeb111
    deeb111 Member Posts: 141 Member
    friend think not
    A friend would not do these things they would let you be who you are and by the way we r all still the same people but for some reason dont get treated that way and no one should care what you wear they should be happy and grateful that you are still here to wear what ever you would like my friends could care less about what people think and they let me know i am what they care about that is the way it should be I cant make excuses for ignorant people any longer so im sorry if this is harsh but if your friend doesnt accept you as you are and avoids talking when you need to is she realy a friend I say no
  • gagee
    gagee Member Posts: 332
    This is not you...
    Carol this is not you. Or not at least what I know of you. You always land on both feet. You have many friends and family that will always be there for you. Don't worry about this person. I get so much strength from you. No matter how down, tired, drained, what ever you have been there for me and many others. As for the wig remember the day at the bank and you wore that wonderful wig instead of the baseball hat. I will call you.

    Your Friend and Pink Sister, Diana
  • Chickadee1955
    Chickadee1955 Member Posts: 355 Member
    gagee said:

    This is not you...
    Carol this is not you. Or not at least what I know of you. You always land on both feet. You have many friends and family that will always be there for you. Don't worry about this person. I get so much strength from you. No matter how down, tired, drained, what ever you have been there for me and many others. As for the wig remember the day at the bank and you wore that wonderful wig instead of the baseball hat. I will call you.

    Your Friend and Pink Sister, Diana

    Its been my experience when
    Its been my experience when one of these 'friendships' deteriorates you come to realize they never were there. Some folks are great friends when they need you or you provide some benefit; emotional, social, financial, and when you cease to provide it---say when you're battling a life-threatening disease---they just don't want to put themselves out. In retrospect I bet she never did put herself out for you. Just my experience.

    Like some of the other posts, I no longer have tolerance for this kind. While some of you dear Sisters have become more appreciative and contemplative, I think I've just gotten more cantankerous and less willing to put up with any BS from anyone anymore.

    Cranky Chickadee