Partner Disgusted by scar

Vigee
Vigee Member Posts: 66
in Breast Cancer #1
It has been one week since my bilateral mastectomy. I will never forget the look on my partner's face when I took off the bandages and she saw my scars for the first time. She tried so hard not to show the terror on her face and to stop herself from crying.

Since then, she has been acting differently. She doesn't kiss me or hold me. She is testy. When I asked her to move the cat food so I could reach it, she rolled her eyes. I understand she is tried and scared and this is hard for her too, but right now I need to be coddled. I tried to talk to her this morning about this stuff and she yelled at me saying "Just tell me EVERYTHING that I am doing wrong!"

It is not like that. She really has been pretty good through this whole thing. Right now she is at a wedding and will be gone overnight. I had a few friends over talking to me, which helped. But I am thinking she is not the right one. I still have 10 more rounds of chemo and 6 weeks of radiation. I don't think she can make it for the long haul.

Has anyone out there had a similar experience?
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Comments

  • mamolady
    mamolady Member Posts: 796 Member
    #2
    She is probably scared. It
    She is probably scared. It may not have sunk in till now. I know it's tough for us to wonder how long we will be around. For our family members, they have to deal with the thought of loosing us. I think loosing my sister was as hard as facing my own mortality.
    It is hard to know if she is the one or if she can make it through the rest of your journey with CA but she may surprise you.
    May be you can just ask for what you are needing in a different way? There were some other threads that talked about talking to spouses in the dark. It may make it easier? It may just take time for her to adjust to the changes in your body.
    In any case, it may not be a good idea to make life changing decisions during treatment. I don't know about you, but I am just now getting my brain back to almost normal!

    Cindy

    ps - she may just be saddened by the scar not disgusted. your pain probably causes her pain.
  • Pam5
    Pam5 Member Posts: 232
    #3
    WOW! I am truly surprised by
    WOW! I am truly surprised by your partner's reaction. Particularly since your partner is a woman. My partner has been through one mastectomy with me 16 years ago and will be going through another one - one where I won't be able to have reconstruction - as soon as we shrink this tumor. The draining tubes bothered her a little so we just made a joke about them. the scars were no big deal. Andie thinks I'm beautiful whether I have breasts or not. I'm still me. Maybe she will sit down with you and tell you what she's feeling or maybe a third person would be able to help - a clergy person, counselor, even a trusted friend. I will keep you in my prayers and send you light.

    Hugs,
    Pam
  • grams2jc
    grams2jc Member Posts: 756
    #4
    Hang in there
    We have all had experiences that have made us wonder if our partners are really "the one", my hubby and I have been married 21 years and still sometimes I wonder as I am sure he does too. This is a big deal for both of you..scary, new, life changing, not an easy thing for anybody cuz none of us asked for this. I had my surgery back in November and it probably took me until May to realize that my husband truly didn't care what my body looked like, he was just glad I was here. Maybe she is afraid she is going to hurt you and is not wanting to cause you physical pain, she probably just doesn't know exactly what to do and needs a little more time to get used to all of this.

    Try to be kind to yourself, you are going through so much right now,

    Jennifer
  • Clementine_P
    Clementine_P Member Posts: 518 Member
    #5
    Your partner
    is going through this as well, just not in the same way you are. It is possible that she, as others here have said, is frightened about losing you or it is really just becoming real to her now after seeing your scars. Maybe she is even feeling anger and resentment that she has to go through this with you at all. I recall that when I was going through chemo, that I didn't want my husband to be there if it made his work schedule more difficult. I kept telling him that I would be fine. He, quite exasperated one day, told me that he wasn't just going for me, he was also going to my chemo sessions for himself. It made him feel better to see that I was getting treatment and it made him feel more a part of it and a help to be there (I tend to keep things to myself and so he, I think, was feeling like an outsider). It was an eye opener for me, because I was trying to make his life easier by saying I can go by myself. After that I always tried to see his viewpoint before I said anything like that again. Everyone deals with this differently.

    I too was very afraid that my husband of 19 years would no longer find me attractive with the scars. It wasn't the case, he told me that the scars just mean that I am healthy. Maybe when you are feeling up to it, have a sit down conversation with your partner. Tell her that you fear that she is disgusted with your appearance. We all go through tough times in a relationship, but as we all know the more we are able to have open communication, the better things will be.

    Anyway, I hope that you both can find an equilibrium. Good luck to you.

    Clementine
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #6
    Clementine_P said:

    Your partner
    is going through this as well, just not in the same way you are. It is possible that she, as others here have said, is frightened about losing you or it is really just becoming real to her now after seeing your scars. Maybe she is even feeling anger and resentment that she has to go through this with you at all. I recall that when I was going through chemo, that I didn't want my husband to be there if it made his work schedule more difficult. I kept telling him that I would be fine. He, quite exasperated one day, told me that he wasn't just going for me, he was also going to my chemo sessions for himself. It made him feel better to see that I was getting treatment and it made him feel more a part of it and a help to be there (I tend to keep things to myself and so he, I think, was feeling like an outsider). It was an eye opener for me, because I was trying to make his life easier by saying I can go by myself. After that I always tried to see his viewpoint before I said anything like that again. Everyone deals with this differently.

    I too was very afraid that my husband of 19 years would no longer find me attractive with the scars. It wasn't the case, he told me that the scars just mean that I am healthy. Maybe when you are feeling up to it, have a sit down conversation with your partner. Tell her that you fear that she is disgusted with your appearance. We all go through tough times in a relationship, but as we all know the more we are able to have open communication, the better things will be.

    Anyway, I hope that you both can find an equilibrium. Good luck to you.

    Clementine

    I think too the scars make
    I think too the scars make it very real. and being a woman she can relate much more than a man. This affects us all in different ways and it affects all of our loved ones. Not that I would wish this on my worst enemy but it is a test for those in our lives and may give you insight into the 'long haul" One thing I have learned is no one is perfect, except for me (lol) and we get through, each of us has learning curve, perhaps her being away a couple days will give you both some perspective. P.S. You are not disgusting and I am sure she doesnt think so either.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #7
    One week post mastectomy
    One week post mastectomy isn't much time..and aside from all of the wisdom from the Kindreds on the boards, sometimes, seeing the scars makes a person face his or her own mortality and that can cause the famous "fight or flight" syndrome. Myriad reasons as to why she isn't kissing or holding you. Perhaps she is afraid she will physically hurt you. She may not want to contribute at all to causing you any physical pain. She obviously doesn't know what to do..but who does? I imagine this isn't exactly where you saw yourself and you don't know what to do, either! I don't of course know what your relationship was before the surgery~ who was more the nurturer, who was more take-charge, etc.
    (My best friend from high school came to the hospital for my surgery, planning on staying the entire weekend with my family. When they wheeled me back to my room, and I was groggy and had the drainage tubes~ she asked my b/f to take her to the train station~ she just couldn't look at me! We just don't know how a person will react!)
    And factoring in may be how long you have been together. If this is a fairly new relationship, perhaps she didn't emotionally sign up for this turn in your lives.If you are already long-term, and up until now you were stable and communicating well, I would say it is fear and frustration and anxiety talking.

    That having been said, a week is really a short amount of time to come to terms with all of this. I don't know if she is "the one" for you, or you for her. I hope that when she comes back from the wedding clearer heads and hearts will prevail and you will both have a better idea of how to procede~ as there is life to be lived Before, During, and After cancer! Take care of yourself~ if your partner is unwilling or unable to be there at this time, PLEASE avail yourself of outside counseling/support services. They can be a literal life-saver.
  • VickiSam
    VickiSam Member Posts: 9,079 Member
    #8
    chenheart said:

    One week post mastectomy
    One week post mastectomy isn't much time..and aside from all of the wisdom from the Kindreds on the boards, sometimes, seeing the scars makes a person face his or her own mortality and that can cause the famous "fight or flight" syndrome. Myriad reasons as to why she isn't kissing or holding you. Perhaps she is afraid she will physically hurt you. She may not want to contribute at all to causing you any physical pain. She obviously doesn't know what to do..but who does? I imagine this isn't exactly where you saw yourself and you don't know what to do, either! I don't of course know what your relationship was before the surgery~ who was more the nurturer, who was more take-charge, etc.
    (My best friend from high school came to the hospital for my surgery, planning on staying the entire weekend with my family. When they wheeled me back to my room, and I was groggy and had the drainage tubes~ she asked my b/f to take her to the train station~ she just couldn't look at me! We just don't know how a person will react!)
    And factoring in may be how long you have been together. If this is a fairly new relationship, perhaps she didn't emotionally sign up for this turn in your lives.If you are already long-term, and up until now you were stable and communicating well, I would say it is fear and frustration and anxiety talking.

    That having been said, a week is really a short amount of time to come to terms with all of this. I don't know if she is "the one" for you, or you for her. I hope that when she comes back from the wedding clearer heads and hearts will prevail and you will both have a better idea of how to procede~ as there is life to be lived Before, During, and After cancer! Take care of yourself~ if your partner is unwilling or unable to be there at this time, PLEASE avail yourself of outside counseling/support services. They can be a literal life-saver.

    Vigee .. I am sadde that you are dealing with
    any emotional stress, during this phase of your journey. Honestly, I was shocked by how my scars looked -- I guess I assumed my incisions and redness would not be as prominent -- so I cried and cried. I gather my wits -- knowing that I would proudly 'wear' my incisions=== as my badge of honor! Fast forward 18 months, 4 additional surgeries -- (opening my original incision scars) -- happy to report that I am happier with the healing, and visual appearance, but its taken 18 months. Hold on -- appearances get better in time.

    As for your situation with your partner -- I am sure she is dealing with so many emotions, questions and Fear. Perhaps she frighten at the thought of losing you, scared of the unknown -- I'm not sure. Our partners 'own' mortality comes into question -- when reality surfaces, and 'our' roller coaster slows down to pick up additional casualties. Can she be there for the long haul - I don't know. Only you, your heart and mind -- know the answer to that question.

    I would suggest like many others, talk to someone within your community, church, support group -- Oncology center --.

    I am worried about you, Vigee -- Please take steps to ensure your recovery both physically, and mentality. You are a terrific, kind and loving person -- someone new will enter your when the time is right -- if this is the route you choose to go. Again, your choice, your decision.

    Strength, Courage and Hope.

    Vicki Sam
  • Lynn Smith
    Lynn Smith Member Posts: 1,264 Member
    #9
    VickiSam said:

    Vigee .. I am sadde that you are dealing with
    any emotional stress, during this phase of your journey. Honestly, I was shocked by how my scars looked -- I guess I assumed my incisions and redness would not be as prominent -- so I cried and cried. I gather my wits -- knowing that I would proudly 'wear' my incisions=== as my badge of honor! Fast forward 18 months, 4 additional surgeries -- (opening my original incision scars) -- happy to report that I am happier with the healing, and visual appearance, but its taken 18 months. Hold on -- appearances get better in time.

    As for your situation with your partner -- I am sure she is dealing with so many emotions, questions and Fear. Perhaps she frighten at the thought of losing you, scared of the unknown -- I'm not sure. Our partners 'own' mortality comes into question -- when reality surfaces, and 'our' roller coaster slows down to pick up additional casualties. Can she be there for the long haul - I don't know. Only you, your heart and mind -- know the answer to that question.

    I would suggest like many others, talk to someone within your community, church, support group -- Oncology center --.

    I am worried about you, Vigee -- Please take steps to ensure your recovery both physically, and mentality. You are a terrific, kind and loving person -- someone new will enter your when the time is right -- if this is the route you choose to go. Again, your choice, your decision.

    Strength, Courage and Hope.

    Vicki Sam

    My husband and I went through it
    My husband and I went through this. I had a lumpectomy(no scar can be seen). A Non invasive cancer but I needed attention.More now than before.About a year after dx I said to him"I can't stand living like this"."Things have to change".It made a huge difference.He is so loving now.He tells me everyday he LOVES me and also says he doesnt know what he would do if anything ever happened to me. This was after 42 years of marriage.Next week it will be 43 years.I am not saying things were perfect before.It was a very hard marriage.No adultry but lots of other things that bothered me that I wasn't putting up with any longer.

    I wonder if she doesn't like waiting on you while you recover.My husband was that way.He wanted me to do it all.Only one time throughout our marriage did he cater to me.It was a doctor who ordered him to after my hysterocomy. My husband waited on me hand and foot.Before when I had sugeries he turned his back.I just had to do things slow.I had no one else to depend on and he was off at work and didn't seem to care.

    My husband is retiring soon.It will be a huge adjustment.We MUST find things to do.He can't sit in front of the TV and smoke(I usually send him in the basement or outside) but now he will be around and smoking more. This will be so different for us.He had worked 7 days a week all our married life.Never home with working.Many times 12 hours a day.Now I am afraid things will change but not sure which way.I know I will need ALOT of patience.

    Wishing you the best.Maybe do what I did.Approach your partner like I approached my husband.See what is wrong and why the change.Say it is hard with what you are going through and you need support.I was fortunate and didn't need chemo or raidation.Things were in my favor but I wondered who would take me for my treatments and who would wait on me.I only had 1 friend who could do a few things but she has medical problems too.

    Kinda makes you wonder if the tables were turned.She never knows if it could happen to her.But what it seems to me she is put back by you needing to ask for help.

    Lynn Smith
  • camul
    camul Member Posts: 2,537
    #10
    Vigee,
    Give her a little time. This is hard for you, but it is also very hard for those around you, especially someone who loves you. She sees you struggling everyday, and may feel helpless, along with being scared for you and for her, and may not know what to do. The scars were hard for me to see much less anyone else.

    It is happening to you, so your take is different. She may or may not be able to deal with all of it. It is so important that you talk to someone, a counselor or someone removed. They have a different take. Also there are group counseling through the AMC in most areas. It can be really helpful for you as you will find you are not alone with this or with most of the issues that arise. For her, it may take some of the pressure off, if she is feeling that she will be responsible for all aspects of your well being (not that she is, but sometimes that feeling alone can be overwhelming).

    This is a tricky road to navigate, as the treatments go on longer than most illnesses.

    We went thru this my first time around, my 15 yr old son was so afraid that I was dying that he shut down completely with me. It took time and patience, and counseling on my end. This time around, he is here for me, but he is not the only one in my immediate support system, he shares with his brother, and his father (my ex and good friend).

    Everyone handles illness differently, really don't think it is the scars, sounds more like it is what the scars represent.

    My best for the both of you.
    Carol
  • mollieb
    mollieb Member Posts: 148
    #11
    Give it Time
    Give it time, not just from an emotional standpoint, but from a physical standpoint. I was horrified by my own scar at first. It looked like Dr. Frankenstein did the surgery. But over time, it started looking much better. After a few months it was just a line, and I expect it to continue to improve. (I will need a little touch up surgery to deal with the cones at either end of the scar, but that's minor.) Thinking back to other surgical scars I have had, I remember that they get softer and less noticeable over a period of years, until I have a hard time remembering what they looked like at first. Mary
  • deeb111
    deeb111 Member Posts: 141 Member
    #12
    vigee
    IF you sense yor partner is not the one only you know I too went through this just recently with someone i was with 14 yrs and he just was so uninvolved the only thing he managed to do was call ask how things r never went to any appointments surgeries or sent a card or flower so i decided to be done with him I deserve to be treated special by my partner and if not then I dont need him so now I only spend time with the people that tell me everyday how they are glad im still here to be a part of their lives and how they love me and thats what you also deserve sometimes we do choose the wrong people as partners but have great friendships and support systems i wish you luck and dont settle you r special and you deserve to be treated that way everyday hang in there
  • mwallace1325
    mwallace1325 Member Posts: 806
    #13
    deeb111 said:

    vigee
    IF you sense yor partner is not the one only you know I too went through this just recently with someone i was with 14 yrs and he just was so uninvolved the only thing he managed to do was call ask how things r never went to any appointments surgeries or sent a card or flower so i decided to be done with him I deserve to be treated special by my partner and if not then I dont need him so now I only spend time with the people that tell me everyday how they are glad im still here to be a part of their lives and how they love me and thats what you also deserve sometimes we do choose the wrong people as partners but have great friendships and support systems i wish you luck and dont settle you r special and you deserve to be treated that way everyday hang in there

    It may be
    Vigee, it may be that she's hurt seeing your scar. As a woman, she may also have a greater fear about breast cancer herself. Time will tell if she is "the one" and you'll know in your heart when that time comes. If she's not the one for you, please don't settle, everyone deserves to be happy and loved.

    marge
  • butterflylvr
    butterflylvr Member Posts: 944
    #14
    mwallace1325 said:

    It may be
    Vigee, it may be that she's hurt seeing your scar. As a woman, she may also have a greater fear about breast cancer herself. Time will tell if she is "the one" and you'll know in your heart when that time comes. If she's not the one for you, please don't settle, everyone deserves to be happy and loved.

    marge

    Vigee,
    I agree with the other girls, give her some time. My husband wrinkled his nose and kinda shivered the first time I showed him my scars after surgery. So I privately changed my dressings and added my salves and creams. After my expanders were inflated the chest looked better and he was okay. But then radiation did a number on my left foob. I knew enough to keep things covered for a while. Two months later the radiation burns are gone and the scars have definitely lightened. Trust me time will make it look better... Your partner, I am sure will come around once she able to digest this all. You really should have a talk with her though and not keep all your emotions and concerns inside.

    Luv ya girl, hang in there...
    Lorrie
  • Heatherbelle
    Heatherbelle Member Posts: 1,226 Member
    #15
    That is really normal, I
    That is really normal, I think. Cancer is often as hard on our partners as it is on us. They are scared too, and don't know what to think, say, or do alot of the time. The seriousness of cancer and the thoughts that go along with it are terrifying to people. My husband and I have had many ups & down's through this past year and have been to counseling sometimes once a week through it all, sometimes once a month. There is a book called the Breast Cancer Husband that is a really handy go-to guide for supporting your wife or partner through breast cancer. My husband bought it when I was diagnosed, and I gave it to my dad when my mom was diagnosed. I'd be happy to send it to you if you'd like :) just msg me your address on facebook.
    hang in there, life does sort itself back out after cancer. it just takes a little time and a LOT of patience
    *hugs*
    heather
  • kit kat
    kit kat Member Posts: 56
    #16
    Heatherbelle said:

    That is really normal, I
    That is really normal, I think. Cancer is often as hard on our partners as it is on us. They are scared too, and don't know what to think, say, or do alot of the time. The seriousness of cancer and the thoughts that go along with it are terrifying to people. My husband and I have had many ups & down's through this past year and have been to counseling sometimes once a week through it all, sometimes once a month. There is a book called the Breast Cancer Husband that is a really handy go-to guide for supporting your wife or partner through breast cancer. My husband bought it when I was diagnosed, and I gave it to my dad when my mom was diagnosed. I'd be happy to send it to you if you'd like :) just msg me your address on facebook.
    hang in there, life does sort itself back out after cancer. it just takes a little time and a LOT of patience
    *hugs*
    heather

    Brother
    I read your story. I had a double, was all bandaged up, went to my son's college grauation 2 weeks later. My brother looked horrified at my body. He never once visted me through treatments nada nothing not even a cup of tea. All he did was call and tell me what fun he was having doing this and thayt. I felt depressed. He was always like that though
  • laughs_a_lot
    laughs_a_lot Member Posts: 1,368 Member
    #17
    Faces
    Well If I was as young as you are (you look young) and I had a female partner like you, I would probably flip out a bit if I saw the surgical scars. I would think of all the minor occurences that had caused pain in my breast and I would then think of your pain and how much worse it must be. I would have difficulty giving my spouse an injection because it would bother me to inflict any pain.

    I agree with the other kindred spirit that this is not the best time to make any big decisions about relationships. Give her time and she may yet suprise you. You know there are all sorts of adjustments you are making right now though many of them are only temporary changes.
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #18
    so sorry..IN YOUR TIME Of
    so sorry..IN YOUR TIME Of need...I dont' have same situation but simular..my hubby after last surgery due to Tamoxifen was very un-compassionate which really hurt. HE DIDN"T tend to my needs etc..it's hard when you expect when down and out they will be there..MANY told me here he may just be scared etc.

    I am very lucky my youngest daughter took care of me totally..without her I dont' know where i'd be!

    I HOPE things work out....and go smoothly

    Denise
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #19
    grams2jc said:

    Hang in there
    We have all had experiences that have made us wonder if our partners are really "the one", my hubby and I have been married 21 years and still sometimes I wonder as I am sure he does too. This is a big deal for both of you..scary, new, life changing, not an easy thing for anybody cuz none of us asked for this. I had my surgery back in November and it probably took me until May to realize that my husband truly didn't care what my body looked like, he was just glad I was here. Maybe she is afraid she is going to hurt you and is not wanting to cause you physical pain, she probably just doesn't know exactly what to do and needs a little more time to get used to all of this.

    Try to be kind to yourself, you are going through so much right now,

    Jennifer

    @ Jennifer: I agree with
    @ Jennifer: I agree with you....
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #20
    Clementine_P said:

    Your partner
    is going through this as well, just not in the same way you are. It is possible that she, as others here have said, is frightened about losing you or it is really just becoming real to her now after seeing your scars. Maybe she is even feeling anger and resentment that she has to go through this with you at all. I recall that when I was going through chemo, that I didn't want my husband to be there if it made his work schedule more difficult. I kept telling him that I would be fine. He, quite exasperated one day, told me that he wasn't just going for me, he was also going to my chemo sessions for himself. It made him feel better to see that I was getting treatment and it made him feel more a part of it and a help to be there (I tend to keep things to myself and so he, I think, was feeling like an outsider). It was an eye opener for me, because I was trying to make his life easier by saying I can go by myself. After that I always tried to see his viewpoint before I said anything like that again. Everyone deals with this differently.

    I too was very afraid that my husband of 19 years would no longer find me attractive with the scars. It wasn't the case, he told me that the scars just mean that I am healthy. Maybe when you are feeling up to it, have a sit down conversation with your partner. Tell her that you fear that she is disgusted with your appearance. We all go through tough times in a relationship, but as we all know the more we are able to have open communication, the better things will be.

    Anyway, I hope that you both can find an equilibrium. Good luck to you.

    Clementine

    Married 25 yrs...my hubby
    Married 25 yrs...my hubby doesn't care abaout scars/ lop sided boob (lumpectomy) or the 25lbs I gained with steroids-recently lost lbs after 3 1/2 yrs..but he was not helpful/ caring post hysterectomy due to cancer meds. I was very very hurt-when we talked he was like what am I suppose to do? I DID nothing for 6 wks (not like me) house hold could starve and no clean clothes I DID not do anything. NO ONE used to me just sitting (listening to DRs)

    wish you the best
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #21
    chenheart said:

    One week post mastectomy
    One week post mastectomy isn't much time..and aside from all of the wisdom from the Kindreds on the boards, sometimes, seeing the scars makes a person face his or her own mortality and that can cause the famous "fight or flight" syndrome. Myriad reasons as to why she isn't kissing or holding you. Perhaps she is afraid she will physically hurt you. She may not want to contribute at all to causing you any physical pain. She obviously doesn't know what to do..but who does? I imagine this isn't exactly where you saw yourself and you don't know what to do, either! I don't of course know what your relationship was before the surgery~ who was more the nurturer, who was more take-charge, etc.
    (My best friend from high school came to the hospital for my surgery, planning on staying the entire weekend with my family. When they wheeled me back to my room, and I was groggy and had the drainage tubes~ she asked my b/f to take her to the train station~ she just couldn't look at me! We just don't know how a person will react!)
    And factoring in may be how long you have been together. If this is a fairly new relationship, perhaps she didn't emotionally sign up for this turn in your lives.If you are already long-term, and up until now you were stable and communicating well, I would say it is fear and frustration and anxiety talking.

    That having been said, a week is really a short amount of time to come to terms with all of this. I don't know if she is "the one" for you, or you for her. I hope that when she comes back from the wedding clearer heads and hearts will prevail and you will both have a better idea of how to procede~ as there is life to be lived Before, During, and After cancer! Take care of yourself~ if your partner is unwilling or unable to be there at this time, PLEASE avail yourself of outside counseling/support services. They can be a literal life-saver.

    I am the nurturer, who was
    I am the nurturer, who was more take-charge person in family! IT would have been great for my husband to step up and be like that. BUT if he is not he is not...he is great guy other then that..hard worker, great with kids, grands, etc etc...so this is his ONE very weak point but my daughter got me through it.

    Denise

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