dealing with fear, staying in the moment and is it ever really over?
Have been thinking a lot after I hit a really hard bottom last month. (Again so many thanks to all who responded to my "think I am going insane" post!)
I no longer feel like I am going insane (at least right now, at this moment!) but am still dealing with lower level fear and anxiety.
I tell myself every morning "I am not dying of breast cancer today" and try to stay in the moment as much as possible but it is challenging! I feel like at some level this fear will always be here. I am not at the "insane with anxiety" point that I was two weeks ago but neither am I completely peaceful. I was up to three Xanax a day at one point and now am back down to none over the past few days. Is it unrealistic to expect to EVER feel completely peaceful again? Or am I just being unrealistic to expect it to happen so soon?
I was diagnosed in Dec 2010 with inflammatory breast cancer, which as most of you probably know, is one of the most aggressive types of breast cancer. What do I do with that information and with my chance for 5 year survival numbers? Do I worry obessively about dying? (For the record, I do.) Does that help? No, it doesn't and I know it doesn't. But how do I stop? Or do I just accept that at some level that worry is always going to be there and just get out with my life the best that I can?
I guess, the good news is that I am feeling so much better than I did two weeks ago, and maybe, will continue to feel better.
Any thoughts from people on how to deal with these fears?
Laura
Comments
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Of course there is the
Of course there is the tincture of time, and in my case that was the most effective, Laura. At one point I broke my toe and it was a blessing in that it showed me that my body could and would heal itself. The different experiences of just living- having some miles under my belt - helped to tamp down that ever present anxiety.
In the meantime, meditation and relaxation really helped me. Yoga and keeping busy also put a dent in the low level stuff. I am so used to it that I almost forgot medication. I take 100 mg of Zoloft plus Abilify to help keep those dogs at bay. For the first year after I hit bottom, I saw a therapist who worked with me on relaxation and releasing.
There is still some anxiety there: I feel it when it's time for a checkup or I get an odd ache or pain, or when I read of a sister suffering from recurrence here. But it is very manageable and a part of life, not debilitating like it once was.
It sounds like you are on the mend. I wish you peace. xoxoxoxo Lynn0 -
Some concern is only naturallynn1950 said:Of course there is the
Of course there is the tincture of time, and in my case that was the most effective, Laura. At one point I broke my toe and it was a blessing in that it showed me that my body could and would heal itself. The different experiences of just living- having some miles under my belt - helped to tamp down that ever present anxiety.
In the meantime, meditation and relaxation really helped me. Yoga and keeping busy also put a dent in the low level stuff. I am so used to it that I almost forgot medication. I take 100 mg of Zoloft plus Abilify to help keep those dogs at bay. For the first year after I hit bottom, I saw a therapist who worked with me on relaxation and releasing.
There is still some anxiety there: I feel it when it's time for a checkup or I get an odd ache or pain, or when I read of a sister suffering from recurrence here. But it is very manageable and a part of life, not debilitating like it once was.
It sounds like you are on the mend. I wish you peace. xoxoxoxo Lynn
and we probably all live with that if we're honest with ourselves. I try to forget, but there's often a little thought that pops up, "what if?". I'm keeping really busy and yoga really helps! There was a little blurb in the recent Reader's Digest about women with breast cancer who do yoga do better. It needs to be gentle yoga not the stuff Bob does with the folks on Biggest Loser. The focus and relaxation lower the cortisol levels in your body much more than just stretching.
Sounds like you're doing better and that's wonderful news! Keep on hanging on.0 -
Oh, Laura, I wish I had the answersskipper54 said:Some concern is only natural
and we probably all live with that if we're honest with ourselves. I try to forget, but there's often a little thought that pops up, "what if?". I'm keeping really busy and yoga really helps! There was a little blurb in the recent Reader's Digest about women with breast cancer who do yoga do better. It needs to be gentle yoga not the stuff Bob does with the folks on Biggest Loser. The focus and relaxation lower the cortisol levels in your body much more than just stretching.
Sounds like you're doing better and that's wonderful news! Keep on hanging on.
I deal with the same stuff--and I'm one year post treatment (Stage 3C invasive ductal ca with 10+ nodes). Some days go better than others--as I know you are experiencing. I attend a 2-hour/week support group with other cancer patients. We speak weekly about our fears and concerns. It's so much easier to talk with people who can really relate--those who are in our shoes. I look forward to that 2 hours every week. I've also attended a couple of "mind, body, spirit" lectures about trying to stay in the moment and have some relaxation CDs that I listen to. These all help--but none of them completely take away that fear that is always in the back of my mind.
Like you, I want to get to that place of peace too. I don't want to ruin whatever time I do have left with incessant worry and fear. Do you have access to any therapy--either group or one-on-one? I don't know where you live, but if you have a Wellness Community near you--try there. That's where I go--and it's all free. I know they are nationwide, but not in every area.
Right now, I try to take things day by day and have as much fun and joy as possible. Good luck to you on your journey.
Hugs, Renee0 -
Laura, you do sound muchskipper54 said:Some concern is only natural
and we probably all live with that if we're honest with ourselves. I try to forget, but there's often a little thought that pops up, "what if?". I'm keeping really busy and yoga really helps! There was a little blurb in the recent Reader's Digest about women with breast cancer who do yoga do better. It needs to be gentle yoga not the stuff Bob does with the folks on Biggest Loser. The focus and relaxation lower the cortisol levels in your body much more than just stretching.
Sounds like you're doing better and that's wonderful news! Keep on hanging on.
Laura, you do sound much better than before. It does get better and you can have peace again. The fear of reoccurence is always in the back of your mind but it doesn't have to be the main focus of your everyday life. I finally am enjoying my life after a year and half of treatments. My mind doesn't dwell on bc much now and I've taken up some of my old hobbies and find joy in each day. You will get there even tho it seems you're just crawling right now. Soon you'll be taking baby steps, then just keep on walking. Hang on, you're stronger now. Wishing the best for you and hope it comes quickly.0 -
it gets to the point whereSunrae said:Laura, you do sound much
Laura, you do sound much better than before. It does get better and you can have peace again. The fear of reoccurence is always in the back of your mind but it doesn't have to be the main focus of your everyday life. I finally am enjoying my life after a year and half of treatments. My mind doesn't dwell on bc much now and I've taken up some of my old hobbies and find joy in each day. You will get there even tho it seems you're just crawling right now. Soon you'll be taking baby steps, then just keep on walking. Hang on, you're stronger now. Wishing the best for you and hope it comes quickly.
it gets to the point where its more at the back of your mind then the front. its always kind of there but not as acutely as it is now. I found distraction to be my best cure for anxiety. I also take a low dose antidepressant. The med heps me to use my good sense in helping me cope while taking away some of that nagging fear. its the best gift I gave myself. My pride didnt want to do it. thinking I could handle it myself, but the convincing thing for me was that a sense of well being improves your immune system. Unfortunately I was born with a brain chemistry that worries and worry just robs you of today.I only have the capacity and energy to deal with so much. It has been a Godsend. I also see a counselor and try to surround myself with things that make me happy. It is normal to feel the way you do, and no matter the way you find to cope, it does get better.0 -
Laura
I too hope it gets better with time. Most days I don't think about it much. Then I read something on the boards that makes me wonder, what if? A friend of mine has had 3 recurrences and gets weekly chemo. She worries all the time even though she is thankful for each day she is still here. Trying to reach that peaceful place.......
{{hugs}} Char0 -
It is a choice
After surviving now 14 years though I was very ill with my cancer at time of diagnosis too healthy and athletic to have cancer so not diagnosed till stage 3. One can stay stuck in the statistics of this disease or we can actually learn what we have control over and we do not. Funny how I always thought I was in control until Breast Cancer showed me REality.
After all these years of survival and many of them not healthy I realize what a miracle it is to be writing this and realize just how many miracles we miss because they aren't this big miraculous event. My survival has been a long hard road and most of it spent learning to cope something I realized we all have to do from a very young age.
Bad things happen to good people and the book written about this is very good. It has taken along time though I have gone on to do things I never thought possible to truly believe in myself once again. Being grateful takes me places I have never been and opens up the possibilities there are in life.
Truly I have found life is simple it just isn't easy to live and Cancer just another example of that. Simplifying and living in the LOVE and not the FEAR helps to make way for moving forward instead of staying stuck because of our fears. Face your fears and do it anyways, another book with some great ideas. Learning to live again is a gift to ourselves.
Tara0 -
Distract myself
I was very fearful of my cancer returning after diagnose as I still had kids to take care of and support. I always was a bit anxious after my 1st and 2nd recurrence Then came, Tuesday, September 11, 2001. Who will ever forget the 3000 people who lost their lives that day. They all began there day thinking it was just another day at the office, or for those flying just another boring trip to their destination. So many of them didn’t know what hit them, so many did. Some were able to call their love ones to say goodbye, others just hope their love ones knew that they were in their last thoughts.
We are all terminal. Dying from cancer or any other incurable medical condition gives us time to prepare ourselves, our love ones and to set our house in order. That isn’t given to those who die quickly in accidents or from strokes, aneurism and etc.
I was able to walk ground zero a month after the disaster. Remembering all those young faces on printed outs tied to the fences with the words “have you seen this person?” is a great reminder how fleeting life can be. Some of those faces were so young.
I try to enjoy the day for that is all we have isn’t it. 911 put my medical condition into prospective. When negative thought come, my remedy is to change what I am doing. Don’t allow myself to go there. When I have a ct scan there is a few seconds that my hands shake before I manage to open the envelope. Then no matter if it's bad or good news, I am at peace knowing I will deal with it.
Best to you, Laura,
Doris0 -
lovely guys!SIROD said:Distract myself
I was very fearful of my cancer returning after diagnose as I still had kids to take care of and support. I always was a bit anxious after my 1st and 2nd recurrence Then came, Tuesday, September 11, 2001. Who will ever forget the 3000 people who lost their lives that day. They all began there day thinking it was just another day at the office, or for those flying just another boring trip to their destination. So many of them didn’t know what hit them, so many did. Some were able to call their love ones to say goodbye, others just hope their love ones knew that they were in their last thoughts.
We are all terminal. Dying from cancer or any other incurable medical condition gives us time to prepare ourselves, our love ones and to set our house in order. That isn’t given to those who die quickly in accidents or from strokes, aneurism and etc.
I was able to walk ground zero a month after the disaster. Remembering all those young faces on printed outs tied to the fences with the words “have you seen this person?” is a great reminder how fleeting life can be. Some of those faces were so young.
I try to enjoy the day for that is all we have isn’t it. 911 put my medical condition into prospective. When negative thought come, my remedy is to change what I am doing. Don’t allow myself to go there. When I have a ct scan there is a few seconds that my hands shake before I manage to open the envelope. Then no matter if it's bad or good news, I am at peace knowing I will deal with it.
Best to you, Laura,
Doris
lovely guys!0 -
Laura...
First of all, I named my only daughter Laura...really like that name! Secondly, in the South, we have an expression which refers to a mini-melt down---we say we are "having a come-apart"...And, I still think you were very brave to share your "come-apart" with us. You do sound like you are beginning to process your thoughts/emotions better. For me, I think the reality of a recurrence or mets will always be there. Each day that I don't have one is a triumph! Two years now! But, I do still think about it...
Blessings to you, brave person!
Sybil0 -
Worry
Yes,just recently I had a few days of feeling unwell and started to wonder....... turned out to be a fleeting little virus. In my makeup also to worry but I do Yoga which is a real help. I'm 8/9 months out of treatment and just found arthritis in a shoulder and rotator cuff problem. It appears it is one thing after another, had singles too. However, when you talk to others everyone seems to be coping with something and gosh it really is the best medicine to talk. I take Cymbalta which is the best antidepressant I've ever taken and helped me get through my treatment year very well, bilateral, but with Tamoxifen these two drugs dont mix well. Gritting my teeth and getting on with it. Good luck, we all understand how you feel. Keep strong and the advice other ladies have given sounds good to me. XX0 -
one big difference now
You will be monitored and you will stay on top of it~and just a side note, we all worry, some days less, some days more, but remember this. Worry is like sitting in a rocking chair, you might be moving, but you aren't getting anywhere...hehehe...so go get somewhere..when I am helping someone else, I do stop thinking of myself, and even if it is for an hour or two, it gives my body and brain an anexity break. Love to you dear sister....keep shining....0 -
It's good to read that youskipper54 said:Some concern is only natural
and we probably all live with that if we're honest with ourselves. I try to forget, but there's often a little thought that pops up, "what if?". I'm keeping really busy and yoga really helps! There was a little blurb in the recent Reader's Digest about women with breast cancer who do yoga do better. It needs to be gentle yoga not the stuff Bob does with the folks on Biggest Loser. The focus and relaxation lower the cortisol levels in your body much more than just stretching.
Sounds like you're doing better and that's wonderful news! Keep on hanging on.
It's good to read that you are doing better. I think for all of us, there will always be the what ifs, but, we just have to put them in the back of our mind and live our life to the fullest. After all, we only have one chance at it, dont' we.
You take care of yourself and I pray you keep feeling better!0 -
anxiety
I was on an antidepressant prior to bc and found that one of the wonderful things it did was to take care of my anxiety. So if there is a history of depression in your family (as there is in mine) you may want to consider an antidepressant. Some of the anti anxiolitics are very short term and I like the fact that I don't have to start gettting nervous before taking a pill. I just am at a level that seems to be more like the level of people I see as being sucessfull. They don't worry thier kiesters off all the time either.
Don't get me wrong that just a pill can take care of it. I had done a good many things to try and fix my issues prior to a pill. So if I was doing everything I could to aleviate anxiety, then taking an antidepressant to help me along with my struggle seemed like the right thing to do. It worked like a tune up did for a car that was not running well. So if there is a family history of depression look at this as a possibilty of giving yourself the advantage you need, especially if you have done your homework on alleviating the problem yourself.0 -
thanks all for your advicelaughs_a_lot said:anxiety
I was on an antidepressant prior to bc and found that one of the wonderful things it did was to take care of my anxiety. So if there is a history of depression in your family (as there is in mine) you may want to consider an antidepressant. Some of the anti anxiolitics are very short term and I like the fact that I don't have to start gettting nervous before taking a pill. I just am at a level that seems to be more like the level of people I see as being sucessfull. They don't worry thier kiesters off all the time either.
Don't get me wrong that just a pill can take care of it. I had done a good many things to try and fix my issues prior to a pill. So if I was doing everything I could to aleviate anxiety, then taking an antidepressant to help me along with my struggle seemed like the right thing to do. It worked like a tune up did for a car that was not running well. So if there is a family history of depression look at this as a possibilty of giving yourself the advantage you need, especially if you have done your homework on alleviating the problem yourself.
I have started on Effexor about 2-3 weeks back, low dose and this week moving up to a higher dose gradually. I'm hoping it would help with these anxiety/depression issues. I;m also seeing an oncology counsellor at our local "Life with Cancer" center who is wonderful. She does cognitive behavior therapy and is helping me to cope with my scary thoughts by realizing that they are just "thoughts" - they are not reality.
Reality is today and living in the moment, future speculations are only speculations. Hard to stay in this moment though - still working on that on a daily basis!
Laura0 -
I don't know if you realize it, Laura, butdbhadra said:thanks all for your advice
I have started on Effexor about 2-3 weeks back, low dose and this week moving up to a higher dose gradually. I'm hoping it would help with these anxiety/depression issues. I;m also seeing an oncology counsellor at our local "Life with Cancer" center who is wonderful. She does cognitive behavior therapy and is helping me to cope with my scary thoughts by realizing that they are just "thoughts" - they are not reality.
Reality is today and living in the moment, future speculations are only speculations. Hard to stay in this moment though - still working on that on a daily basis!
Laura
you helped me today. Thank you for sharing what your counselor said about the fact that the scary thoughts are just "thoughts" and not reality. That is so true. And, you're right, it's going to take daily practice.
Hugs, Renee0 -
@Laura: I had early stage
@Laura: I had early stage DCIS (lumpectomy and radiation) & recent hysterctomy due to tamoixfin >so nothing compared to yours-but I do not really worry. I go for tests, mammo etc and dont' panic while i wait..ONE TIME HOLIDAY weekend, nurse called said DONT" want to make you wait..and I forgot i was waiting for results..I KNOW I am the odd one..
even at start of all this Jan 2008 when I got the call back for mammo next day thought no biggie, then sent to biospy NO BIGGIE! etc etc..
I try to not work myself up over things I can't change..not just medical of course-
I wish you luck and peace in your life...
thinking of you..
Denise0
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