OT - Fighting the angry
Live 3 miles outside of a town of 700 people. Got my gas last week as usual,the pump acted up but their pumps are crappy and I knew my card must have worked or the pump wouldn't have finally come on. Got done, it didn't offer me a receipt option but I really couldn't tell what it said cause the sun was shining on it and as I said..the pumps are crappy and I just thought I missed my chance. So 2 nights ago one of the "city" cops came to tell me I had not paid for my gas. I nearly blew a gasket, horribly angry all night and the next a.m. at 5:30 on my way to work I stopped there signed my receipt and gave the young lady my opinion of her establishment. Didn't swear or really yell because she is the employee and has no control but she knew I was mad....her explanation was that the outside credit payment was broken and registering as pay inside and that is why the pump came on. "But it is fixed now" Doesn't matter to me, after 21 years I have a new gas station with noncrappy pumps.
So, is it the whole journey that has given me this angry attitude or just the estrogen suppression? Will it ease or am I doomed to be angry for the rest of my days?
I don't want to be an angry lady and I try to be mellow but I am not sure I am succeeding,
Jennifer
Comments
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Hi Jennifer
I hate to admit this but I am also not as patient as I once was. I am only telling you this so you can have a Kindred Spirit that is going through the same thing.
I want to say that cancer has taught me to be MORE patient and I believe with all my heart that you get more flies with sugar rather than with vinegar.....Ok, having said that~~Most days I am a cheery person and I am very outgoing. I even enjoy talking to complete strangers wherever I go.
BUT I have found that waiting in line at a store, waiting in a doctors' office for any time over an hour or dealing with incompetent people are the three things that can turn me into Godzilla.
Boy honesty isn't really that much fun! LOL But honest I must be. Now some ladies and gents here will say, "Well these things can be frustrating"...to that I say NOPE, I was never this bad. I have no answers for why and I try Hard not to get ticked, but I still do and some days ( thank goodness) are better than others.
Bless you Jennifer for asking a question that potentially could make people judge you. And for them I say........well you know! LOL
Hugs,
Wanda0 -
OMG I thought it was just me
OMG I thought it was just me that seemed to have WAY less patience than before.
I've read so many posts here about all you very strong, wonderful women who've faced this and learned to appreciate life so much more, or gone off to help others in so many ways and given of themselves so generously.
Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy life and am so glad I'm still here to enjoy it, I find my temper getting set off way more often and easily than before, and it seems to be little things. Having to practically take over our general manager's job since she left is ok, but let me find dishes on the counter and not in the dishwasher and that's the end of the world.
Hopefully someone will have some insight and let us know that this will subside like all the other things we experienced.
Jennifer, thanks so much for posting this. I thought I was crazy.
marge0 -
Jennifer,
Oh, I do have to work on patience...
I mean, I can be singing to uplifting, spiritual music one second...and if someone cuts into me on my lane...wig out! Ugh...what's wrong with that picture?
In some ways, I have patience (with my grandson or kids) but in other areas, I don't.
You won't be angry for the rest of your days. It'll get better.
Sending you hugs and prayers,
Sylvia0 -
In the past I was moresea60 said:Jennifer,
Oh, I do have to work on patience...
I mean, I can be singing to uplifting, spiritual music one second...and if someone cuts into me on my lane...wig out! Ugh...what's wrong with that picture?
In some ways, I have patience (with my grandson or kids) but in other areas, I don't.
You won't be angry for the rest of your days. It'll get better.
Sending you hugs and prayers,
Sylvia
In the past I was more patient but less so when I was tired. after this treatment I am enerally more tired, and my hormones have been manipulated. I also think I am a bit spoiled by the way I was treated at the hospital. as they do cater to your every need because of the diagnosis. But that doesnt happen in real life. Plus (which I think is good) I just generally dont want ot take any more crap, so I dont. I feel entitled LOL. today I called the cable company and told them I wanted to add HBO without increasing my cable bill, they did it.! what the heck right? If I got bolder so what, I got through one of the worst things already!!0 -
Sometimes I think, what can they do I already have cancer!carkris said:In the past I was more
In the past I was more patient but less so when I was tired. after this treatment I am enerally more tired, and my hormones have been manipulated. I also think I am a bit spoiled by the way I was treated at the hospital. as they do cater to your every need because of the diagnosis. But that doesnt happen in real life. Plus (which I think is good) I just generally dont want ot take any more crap, so I dont. I feel entitled LOL. today I called the cable company and told them I wanted to add HBO without increasing my cable bill, they did it.! what the heck right? If I got bolder so what, I got through one of the worst things already!!
Don't get me wrong, I still see great things in my life and enjoy my family and things I have always enjoyed....but... don't mess with me. I don't tend to yell or swear, just seeth with anger and find ways to let folks know exactly how I feel, sarcasm, cutting remarks...I rarely ever did that before this(well maybe the sarcasm, LOL).
I am hoping it is just a "phase" and once things calm down so will I. Sometimes I don't get upset about stuff I used to because it is small stuff, and I am trying not to sweat the small stuff cuz it really is small compared to cancer. I do know I need to appreciate my time on this earth. Other times BOY HOWDY RUN FOR THE HILLS!!
Thanks for answering me and understanding,
Jennifer0 -
Here I go again, Jennifer.
Here I go again, Jennifer. I'm right with you. I saw something the other day that said not to leave angry messages on answering machines, and I've done that in this past week. I keep thinking I should be saying things like: this is the small stuff; don't sweat it. But I find myself blowing up....thankfully my family is tolerating this. I'm still trying to overcome it though....
Judy0 -
I am also thinking its apoplolly said:Here I go again, Jennifer.
Here I go again, Jennifer. I'm right with you. I saw something the other day that said not to leave angry messages on answering machines, and I've done that in this past week. I keep thinking I should be saying things like: this is the small stuff; don't sweat it. But I find myself blowing up....thankfully my family is tolerating this. I'm still trying to overcome it though....
Judy
I am also thinking its a symptom of some PTSD, which many cancer survivors experience. We have been through a lot of trauma.0 -
...poplolly said:Here I go again, Jennifer.
Here I go again, Jennifer. I'm right with you. I saw something the other day that said not to leave angry messages on answering machines, and I've done that in this past week. I keep thinking I should be saying things like: this is the small stuff; don't sweat it. But I find myself blowing up....thankfully my family is tolerating this. I'm still trying to overcome it though....
Judy
I think this board helps me to calm my anger. Lately, it seems that I have absolutely no tolerance for incompetence. Stupidity is not an asset, and I guess I'm just not going to play along with those that act like it is!!! I don't feel like I'm angry all the time but people often ask me why I'm angry. If only they could see from my eyes...0 -
Your not alone. Husbandcarkris said:I am also thinking its a
I am also thinking its a symptom of some PTSD, which many cancer survivors experience. We have been through a lot of trauma.
Your not alone. Husband keeps asking me whats wrong with you ???? The funny thing is, the more the time passes, the worse I get. I am 2 years out right now.0 -
say a little prayergrams2jc said:Sometimes I think, what can they do I already have cancer!
Don't get me wrong, I still see great things in my life and enjoy my family and things I have always enjoyed....but... don't mess with me. I don't tend to yell or swear, just seeth with anger and find ways to let folks know exactly how I feel, sarcasm, cutting remarks...I rarely ever did that before this(well maybe the sarcasm, LOL).
I am hoping it is just a "phase" and once things calm down so will I. Sometimes I don't get upset about stuff I used to because it is small stuff, and I am trying not to sweat the small stuff cuz it really is small compared to cancer. I do know I need to appreciate my time on this earth. Other times BOY HOWDY RUN FOR THE HILLS!!
Thanks for answering me and understanding,
Jennifer
I was having trouble with patience with my grand daughter. She has autism which puts her developmentally about at a 3-4 year old level. Not everyone in the house is in agreement with the way some things should be handled. While on chemo, I resigned myself to letting most things go. Not easy for me... Anyway, when I got frustrated, I prayed for patience. Every day some times several times a day. It worked. Now I don't need as many prayers, only occasionally.
Cindy0 -
I have a mantra which has
I have a mantra which has helped me soooo much during this journey~I don't always succeed at it, but I use it in almost all phases of my ife. My Kindreds here know it by heart!
"Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At"....
I found that I really needed strength to do battle with this beast and anger zapped my energy/strength faster than almost anything. It left me exhausted and not in control of almost anything...and the aftermath was never a good thing. I had it printed everywhere to remind me~ on my emails, on my personal checks ( remember them? LOL) on post it notes~ EVERYWHERE!
The things that you are angry about are understandable~ and I used to get mad at inanimate objects, people complaining about hangnails, stupid movies~ the most ridiculous stuff! I finally realized I wasn't really angry, I was JEALOUS! I wanted my worst day to be an ugly nail polish when I got a manicure! I wanted to be whining over not enough ice in my tea~ or too much ice in my tea! I wanted to be as petty as I now suddenly felt everyone else was...I wanted my Pre-Cancer Life Back! As soon as I realized it wasn't their fault that they didn't know what it was like to be scared to death, I settled down. Not that I didn't harbor a few twinges of GRRRRRRR at them now and again~ but I truly let it go.
My Kindreds know if I am not making up quotes I am stealing them from movies...so, from the Great Debaters, all together now: We Do What We HAVE To Do, So We Can Do What We WANT To Do!! I love that!
(((((((hugs))))) We get it, we really do!
Chen♥0 -
Jenniferchenheart said:I have a mantra which has
I have a mantra which has helped me soooo much during this journey~I don't always succeed at it, but I use it in almost all phases of my ife. My Kindreds here know it by heart!
"Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At"....
I found that I really needed strength to do battle with this beast and anger zapped my energy/strength faster than almost anything. It left me exhausted and not in control of almost anything...and the aftermath was never a good thing. I had it printed everywhere to remind me~ on my emails, on my personal checks ( remember them? LOL) on post it notes~ EVERYWHERE!
The things that you are angry about are understandable~ and I used to get mad at inanimate objects, people complaining about hangnails, stupid movies~ the most ridiculous stuff! I finally realized I wasn't really angry, I was JEALOUS! I wanted my worst day to be an ugly nail polish when I got a manicure! I wanted to be whining over not enough ice in my tea~ or too much ice in my tea! I wanted to be as petty as I now suddenly felt everyone else was...I wanted my Pre-Cancer Life Back! As soon as I realized it wasn't their fault that they didn't know what it was like to be scared to death, I settled down. Not that I didn't harbor a few twinges of GRRRRRRR at them now and again~ but I truly let it go.
My Kindreds know if I am not making up quotes I am stealing them from movies...so, from the Great Debaters, all together now: We Do What We HAVE To Do, So We Can Do What We WANT To Do!! I love that!
(((((((hugs))))) We get it, we really do!
Chen♥
Oh Jennifer, it is good to see that I am not alone in this either. So, thank you first for this post. Now I think I might still be sane! lol
Hearing that you have breast cancer and then going thru surgeries, rads and chemo is enough to make all of us lose our minds, let alone our temper.
So, I think we are entitled to. After all, we just went thru or are still going thru the fight for our life!
It has been said that many bc survivors have PTSD, which I truly believe some do have. I am not sure I have that, but, I know that my temper is a lot worse than it was before bc.
I used to be, and, am getting back to being laid back. BUT, and that is a big BUT, I sometimes lose my temper at the dumbest things. And, I have even noticed that I have road rage now somewhat and never did before. I could just kick myself in the azz sometimes at what I say or do, as, my patience gets too thin and I just let go.
But, I don't worry about it, I just try to control it better and I pray to God to help me.
We are normal Jennifer, very normal. We have just been thru hell and back by having breast cancer!
Big hugs,
Lex0 -
Boy this board is a godsend!Alexis F said:Jennifer
Oh Jennifer, it is good to see that I am not alone in this either. So, thank you first for this post. Now I think I might still be sane! lol
Hearing that you have breast cancer and then going thru surgeries, rads and chemo is enough to make all of us lose our minds, let alone our temper.
So, I think we are entitled to. After all, we just went thru or are still going thru the fight for our life!
It has been said that many bc survivors have PTSD, which I truly believe some do have. I am not sure I have that, but, I know that my temper is a lot worse than it was before bc.
I used to be, and, am getting back to being laid back. BUT, and that is a big BUT, I sometimes lose my temper at the dumbest things. And, I have even noticed that I have road rage now somewhat and never did before. I could just kick myself in the azz sometimes at what I say or do, as, my patience gets too thin and I just let go.
But, I don't worry about it, I just try to control it better and I pray to God to help me.
We are normal Jennifer, very normal. We have just been thru hell and back by having breast cancer!
Big hugs,
Lex
I never thought of some of the things that I read here. PTSD makes a lot of sense and so many other things that we share.
Like so many of you I always thought it was just me and in the past have been very hard on myself.
I have guilt about getting mad at little things when I should be glad to be alive. After reading posts of others experiences at least I can try to improve that and I love Chen's ways of dealing with it. Thanks, Chen!
And thanks to all of you who answered.
Hugs,
Wanda0 -
Are You on Taxol?
Are you on Taxol? The steroids they pre-medicate you with can make you "grumpy," in my doctor's term. There is actually something called steroid psychosis, too. I notice that I don't govern what I say as much; I am trying to watch that so I don't say something I can't take back. Also, my husband, bless his heart, did some reading and told me that sometimes cancer patients push social conventions because having a life-threatening disease is empowering -- nothing else matters as much, so I am just going to say what I think. I would practice some abject apologies -- "I can't believe I said that; I don't know what got into me," and so forth -- and trot them out as needed. This too will pass.0 -
Thank you allmollieb said:Are You on Taxol?
Are you on Taxol? The steroids they pre-medicate you with can make you "grumpy," in my doctor's term. There is actually something called steroid psychosis, too. I notice that I don't govern what I say as much; I am trying to watch that so I don't say something I can't take back. Also, my husband, bless his heart, did some reading and told me that sometimes cancer patients push social conventions because having a life-threatening disease is empowering -- nothing else matters as much, so I am just going to say what I think. I would practice some abject apologies -- "I can't believe I said that; I don't know what got into me," and so forth -- and trot them out as needed. This too will pass.
Thank you all for posting this one. Remembering the possibility of PTSD is helpful. Chen you always have such a wonderful way of saying things so graciously.
I think I'm getting better and because of about a dozen other issues in our family (all out of my control) I know I've been stressed more than even during treatment. My husband is finally realizing that I am stressed. I'm usually the rock in the family and it must be hard to see the rock dissolving before your eyes.
Anyway, hanging on to PTSD rather than insanity as a possibility and Chen's words of wisdom and understanding from DH who was soooooo incredible during treatment, and of course more prayer than I can count I'll get through this.
Thanks ladies.
marge0
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