Jun 22, 2011 - 1:30 pm
Yesterday morning my mom died of cancer and she's gone forever. 4 months ago we started on a journey of hope and yesterday it ended just like that with death. I don't feel like crying and I feel a bit relieved from what, I don't know. In fact, I even got a good night of sleep last night.
Some of the time I feel that through death, my mom was able to finally step away from hurt, anger and pain not just from the cancer but everything that happened to her in her lifetime. Her soul has been freed. She's free. It brings me happiness. I hope that she gets a beautiful happy life in her next life. This is just how I see it and this is how I find hope for myself and her.
We fought as she fought even though she was so tired to the last day when I took her to the hospital per her request. In less than one week my mom left her mortal body. I cried, but not like my aunts who were hysterical. Later in the day, we were making jokes and laughing. We talked about my mom and all her funniness and silliness.
My mom and our family went through a lot. Making difficult decisions for her is something we all struggle with. Did we help her or did we make things worse? Some days we even fought with her to keep going forward to life rather than death. Did we do her justice?
Am I in shock or anger or disbelief? Is it ok to laugh on the day she died? Should I remain solemn?
I feel like everything happened so fast in her last day. Were we coping properly? I feel like there should have been more...something more meaningful...last words...a last hug from her. Did we make amends? Did she forgive me? Did she even love us? We had all kind of just fallen asleep at the time she past away. We had been awake for most of the night. Is she mad at us for not being by her side in her last breath? My aunts were there to see her take her last breath.
I love my mom and of course we really, really wanted her to get better and she didn't. I talked to my brothers and everyday I've been convincing myself that I have come to terms to accept that my mom though she was fighting, she was dying quickly. She didn't want to fight any more. She was never up for the fight.
I mean it was really upsetting yesterday when the mortuary people came to pick her up to take her away from her home forever. She would never come back. It is just her mortal body and her soul that has now been freed are two different things, but still our mom is gone.
Does anyone relate?