I'm Not Coping Well & In Tears

hello totaly feel ur pain i
hello totaly feel ur pain i am also this way i am starting to want to participate in things cause everybody knows how u feel when in fact they have no clue i went to my sons college graduation and everybody said how good i look well cause now i try to take extra time to make up for feeling so bad inside i dont want it to show outside so i come here to vent now cause everybody here does know about this disease cause we all bonded if only in words but please let the words u hear be your guidance to help u i have no trouble speaking on this site when yet with friends and family they ask me to do things and go places i find myself becoming very vague or not knowing what it is i want or need anymore so u have the right to express u concerns depressions joys heartaches and share ur tears with all of us on this site cause we do share common bonds if only in words thoughts and prayers but know i hope u feel well and each day i hope for u gets brighter and brighter

deeb111

cahjah75 said:

I know exactly how you feel
but not because of the mastectomy. I actually handled having double mastectomy rather well. 5 years ago I fell and shattered my shoulder. In the following months I fell another 5x and fractured the other shoulder. I did not heal well and had a bone infection. I cried for months. In all I had 9 surgeries between the 2 shoulders. I had to quit my job of 18 years because I could no longer drive a car (for the next 18 months). I had to go on permanent SS disability. I have no left shoulder and a reverse total shoulder prosthesis in the right. I endured months of PT just to be able to lift my one arm. I don't know how many years my prosthesis will last and I'll never have a left shoulder. I couldn't pick up my newborn grandkids (I now have 6). Being the 5th in my family with bc, I accepted the fact that I had bc and would do whatever it took to be cured, hence the double mastectomy. I was on anti depressants for 10+ years and saw a psychiatrist at first, then a therapist. Oddly, I stopped taking Wellbutrin just 2 months before being dx. Sometimes I wish I would cry over the loss of my breasts. I guess at times I'm just numb. This week is my one year since being dx. All I can say is that it does get better. It's ok to cry and now that we are here for support and encouragement. I'm glad that you can get help at your cancer center. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you approach the date of your surgery.
{{hugs}} Char

I still cry, mostly at night
I still cry, mostly at night when the house is quiet and everyone is asleep. Crying is therapy!!! We are here always!!!!!!!!

deeb111 said:

hello totaly feel ur pain i
hello totaly feel ur pain i am also this way i am starting to want to participate in things cause everybody knows how u feel when in fact they have no clue i went to my sons college graduation and everybody said how good i look well cause now i try to take extra time to make up for feeling so bad inside i dont want it to show outside so i come here to vent now cause everybody here does know about this disease cause we all bonded if only in words but please let the words u hear be your guidance to help u i have no trouble speaking on this site when yet with friends and family they ask me to do things and go places i find myself becoming very vague or not knowing what it is i want or need anymore so u have the right to express u concerns depressions joys heartaches and share ur tears with all of us on this site cause we do share common bonds if only in words thoughts and prayers but know i hope u feel well and each day i hope for u gets brighter and brighter

deeb111

You are not alone...
For what it's worth, you are not alone in your feelings....and for what it's worth, they are perfectly NORMAL feelings! Your body and mind has and is going through a trauma of mega proportions......I've walked in your shoes, as have all the women on this board....it was two years ago today that I had my lumpectomy....I was a basket case....I cried at the drop of a hat...found no joy in the things that gave me pleasure....all I could think of was ...."I have cancer"...it consumed my every waking moment from the day I was diagnosed until my lumpectomy..... once the surgery was over, I found an incredible peace...just knowing the cancer was removed...then I was in the battle...chemo, rads.......I even had what I called "brain over load shut down". Twice, literally, my brain totally shut down..once was my first visit to my surgeon....after him telling me all the bad stuff, as he continued, it was like a curtain came down and my brain said " you can't process any more!" I had to ask my husband when we left what we had been told after a certain point....same thing happened with my first visit to my oncologist...he was giving me statistics for my type of bc, etc..then the treatment plan,etc.. Again my brain shut down... Then another major meltdown 4 days before my last radiation treatment...you 'd think I would have been elated to be ending treatment..but once again I became terrified...for 7 months, everyday I had been in a fight for my life and suddenly it was about to end...now what? I was in such a state I could barely tell my rads onc what was wrong.... I was sobbing, big old sobs, nose running, you name it...I would say my mascara was running but I had no eyelashes to put mascara on....lol. He explained that I wasn't 't losing my mind, that my feelings were perfectly justified and NORMAL!!!!!!!!! He explained,
it is POST TRAUMATIC STRESS SYNDROME....that the only thing that would help was the passing of time..he was right....

What I would tell you, as I learned from this experience.....take one day at a time...one hour at a time...one minute at a time....what ever it takes to get through the day....just put one foot in front of the other....you're on the right path...counseling, medication, etc....breathe....just remember what you're feeling is normal....sadly, it goes with this unchartered territory...but you're not alone...keep posting, vent, rant and rage..it helps!

We get it and we care...
Hugs,
Nancy

Sending you a big cyber hug!
I can't say anything that everyone else here hasn't said. Don't hold those feelings in. Remember we are all here for you.

xoxo,
Jean

I am sorry
I am sorry that you are having such difficult time. It is tough to accept cancer, Chemo and mastectomy and other treatments. When you made your decision to go for mastectomy you had your three daughters in mind. They love their Mommy and need you. Losing my Breast was a small price for being with my family for the past three years.

lynn1950 said:

Oh emamei, you are so
Oh emamei, you are so normal. Cancer is a little crazy making, isn't it? A psychologist and psychiatrist are people who can listen and help you sort out your feelings; in the long run that can really help. I was one who didn't cry for the longest time. Then, when I did, it was like the sobs and tears would never end. It was scary. I was so depressed! I'm still on meds. I'm still not my old self and I'm not sure who this new self is. I just try and take each day as it comes and try not to be too hard on myself. I'm sending you a cyberhug dear sister. xoxoxoxo Lynn

Emamei
I'm glad you brought your fears here, because we all understand even though each journey is a little different. I am not a crying person normally, but recently they just seem to come for no reason. Just like Pinkflutterby, I now cry in the night, because I could see that it was irritating my husband.
Get all the help you can and we will be here to hold your hand along the way.

butterflylvr said:

Maria my dear,
Your journey thus far brought tears to my eyes. With all you've been through physically and emotionally, I can see where you would be pushed over the edge by the latest news of your husbands job situation. I too am such a worry wort and like to have my future somewhat stable, for you my dear that carpet has been yanked out from under you. You have every right to cry and scream.

All I can say is learn from the warrior sisters who posted above me, time makes things better. When one chapter closes a new one opens, okay I am sure we are all sick of hearing that cliche but how true is it? We can't see what our next chapter is but sitting here at the top of the hill there is only one way down. Take our hands and let us walk with you..

Love you girl, stay strong
Lorrie

Sending hugs and prayers!
Many times I feel like I could just sit down and have a good cry. I find the shower works best cause I don't want everyone else to know how down I can get. Then I think maybe I should let them know. It's a roller coaster is right! I'm finished with chemo, surgery, and rads, and have a good prognosis but sometimes I just feel very alone, like you. It's normal! Even thogh we don't like to think about it our bodies, and minds, have been through a great deal and even with an excellent prognosis you never know what lies ahead. Of course we didn't know this would lie ahead either, and that's a good thing. It's good you are getting some help. Come here often and vent as much as you need to! A lot of us have been through this and we know what it feels like. (Lots of people say they do, and they think they do, but unless you've walked down this road you can't REALLY know what it's like.

Prayers for peace pink sister!!!!

missrenee said:

Like all the others have said
we all totally understand how you feel. I remember back in November of '09 when the surgeon told my husband and me those 3 horrible words--I felt doomed, lost, alone, terrified, beaten down. When we got home, with my husband holding me as we cried, I remember saying, "I will never have another day of peace again. My life is over." I had no doubt in my mind that what I was saying was true.

Boy, was I wrong. I've had the surgeries, chemo, rads, after effects of all of the above, and guess what--there is peace, there is an abundance of joy and life is really, really good. Is it perfect--no. Are there still issues, tears, problems--yes.

We all get through this the best way we can. It's rough for you now, very scary, very sad, but you will not only get through it--you will thrive and move back to your wonderful life.

Sending all my positive energy and prayers your way. You can do this and you will.

Hugs, Renee

Perfectly normal to feel loss
It's perfectly normal to feel loss because you have lost the life you had prior to diagnosis. But what you will eventually feel when all treatment is done is that you have regained your life. You are a survivor. We all are. It's hard to feel that way right now because you are still going through treatments, still tired, still stressed. You should allow yourself to cry as often as you need to because it will make you feel better. I found myself sobbing at the drop of a hat during treatments and surgery. But when you get towards the end it will get better, I guarantee it. You are a survivor. Don't forget that.

laughs_a_lot said:

crying
I cry, (or perhaps more like slowly leak tears) on my drive to work. I try not to let my husband in on too much of the emotion as I have always been the strong one in the family. I have been through several tough situations prior to bc that has probably assisted me in the ability to restrain my emotions temporarily then release them in a safe environment later. Here is your safe environment.

crying is normal and needed!
I think we have earned the right to shed those tears and it's really understandable that we feel crazy sometimes with everything that gets thrown at us.

Last Friday I had the 3rd of my 4 scheduled FEC treatments and it SUCKED!! I was completely wiped out for a week but held it together. yesterday, when I finally felt a little better, I broke down and CRIED, SOBBED, let it all out, wailed in my pillow, got in the shower, kept on crying. I think it is post tramatic stress syndrome and it's happened everytime I've gone through the chemo cycle.

I feel like if I didn't cry all the crazy emotions would get stuck inside; that happened one weekend and not crying was even worse than crying...so let it out, and keep letting it out until you are done with it.

We who are on the boards here "get it"; others who have not had cancer may not be able to. My therapist (who I love) lets me talk about the "other world" "the normal world" of people without cancer. Sometimes talking with them I get upset because I feel like a stranger from a different world, the cancer world. So sometimes I need to be here, or be at my breast cancer support group to talk to others who get it from the inside. others do love us and it;s not that they are uncaring, it's just so hard to get it when you have not been on this journey. Working with my therapist has helped me a lot in sorting out my feelings.

you are strong, you are brave! don;t beat yourself up for having these feelings; I do believe from my experience and what I read here that they are totally normal (not to say that they are in any way pleasant).

Hang in there!
Laura