OT - tough week
I am thinking about all of you. This week has brought so many emotions for me. **** had his 41st chemo this week. I am so grateful that he will go through this to keep the cancer from growing. A colleague of mine committed suicide this week. It has been very, very hard on everyone at our school. I taught both of his young children. He was full of life, his body was healthy. I know his mind was not well but I am still so damn mad at him. I think about all of you and how hard you are fighting to live, how you are willing to keep going, how you do it for us, your kids, yourselves and I am so pissed that this man killed a perfectly good body. He was a wonderful, kind, loving, amazing teacher, father and friend. He was so loved. Now, we are left with out him. Thanks for letting me vent, it has just hit so hard. I think it is because I have gone through the process of imaging my kids without their dad and nothing causes me more grief. I have played it out and **** and I would do anything to keep our kids from going through that. We know it is not in our power but we would give it our best.
Today we are going to a different funeral. Our dear friend passed away from ALS. She was diagnosed the same month, January 2009, that **** was diagnosed with cancer. Her ashes will be scattered at sea right by our house. **** will bring people out in our boat. From our small neighborhood group of 25 families, we had 4 people diagnosed with diseases (3 cancer and 1 ALS) in January - February 2009. 3 of them are now gone and their ashes are part of the ocean we all love. **** is the only one left. It is so strange.
Thank you for letting me dump. Everything is so raw today. I am finding that at the same time I am sad, I am very, very grateful. I appreciate all that we have been blessed with .
Aloha,
Kathleen
Comments
-
dear kathleen
dear kathleen,
i think i know how you feel about suicide. my brother and sister years ago committed suicide, i reflected back on these events during my cancer journey and believe mental illness is so misunderstood, mis diagnosed in our society, but i guess it no different to our general health as a society. all premature death {from cancer, mental illness or whatever} is a waste of life, which is so precious.
when you are on the water you love spreading your friends ashes, just hold dicks hand. you may notice the breeze, the seas, the sun maybe even birds. just smile and cry and breathe, its so good to be alive.... live moments you have together well.
and given its so good to be alive some of us decide to fight hard and long and live each day as fully as possible.
hugs,
pete0 -
Oh Kathleenpete43lost_at_sea said:dear kathleen
dear kathleen,
i think i know how you feel about suicide. my brother and sister years ago committed suicide, i reflected back on these events during my cancer journey and believe mental illness is so misunderstood, mis diagnosed in our society, but i guess it no different to our general health as a society. all premature death {from cancer, mental illness or whatever} is a waste of life, which is so precious.
when you are on the water you love spreading your friends ashes, just hold dicks hand. you may notice the breeze, the seas, the sun maybe even birds. just smile and cry and breathe, its so good to be alive.... live moments you have together well.
and given its so good to be alive some of us decide to fight hard and long and live each day as fully as possible.
hugs,
pete
I am very sorry for your recent losses. You and **** have such a wonderful relationship and I know are both fighting so hard to protect your family and each other from this terrible disease. You both have incredible love and stamina. I admire you greatly.
Sometimes it is hard to understand why one person can cope against all odss, yet another cannot. I guess we each have our own "private he##", and you must conquer or succumb to it.
So sorry that your colleague could no longer carry on.
What a beautiful gesture for your friend in spreading her ashes in the ocean.
Luv,
Wolfen0 -
dear Kathleen
Hi Kathleen,
I'm so sorry to hear about all that is going on around you and is affecting you in such a deep way. I can't say much, just know that I am praying and wishing I could give you a hug in person.
Take care and God bless and keep you strong (remember the Footprints in the Sand poem- when the man looked down and saw only one set of footprints and questioned the Lord why he was left alone, He replied in the poem "Those footprints were mine & during that hard time it was I that carried you."
Hugs,
Lisa0 -
Kathleen ,must be a hard week ! .lisa42 said:dear Kathleen
Hi Kathleen,
I'm so sorry to hear about all that is going on around you and is affecting you in such a deep way. I can't say much, just know that I am praying and wishing I could give you a hug in person.
Take care and God bless and keep you strong (remember the Footprints in the Sand poem- when the man looked down and saw only one set of footprints and questioned the Lord why he was left alone, He replied in the poem "Those footprints were mine & during that hard time it was I that carried you."
Hugs,
Lisa
Restory shocking story specially hen you are fighting for your life!.
Life has strange situations.
Well....hope this week brings you ,happiness ,health, and peace!.
Hugs!0 -
Kathleen, What a terrible
Kathleen, What a terrible time for you and your family. My own daughter has tried suicide
more than once. She is bipolar and has terrible highs and lows. I asked her what she was thinking when she tried it. "Mom, I was totally convinced that everyone would be better off without me". My other daughter who is a counselor, told me that there is no way that anyone could understand how a suicidal person thinks. Most are totally "blind " to the pain to those they leave behind. All we can do is support the families and pray for them.
And it is ok to be mad at them too.
Prayer to you and yours,
Judy0 -
Kathleen, what a brutal week
I am so sorry you have had all these difficult issues to deal with. The man who committed sucicide must have been very troubled, but it is so hard to understand when so so many are fighting to live. Give yourself a big hug from me.0 -
Thank you
Hi Friends,
You always have words that help me through. Thank you. Today turned turned out to be a beautiful day. Our friend's funeral was full of love, they called it a celebration of life and that's what it was. About 150 people met on the beach and talked about her and sang songs. Then we went out in boats and said good bye as we scattered her ashes and threw flower petals into the ocean. It just was reinforcement that the most important thing in life is sharing our love with one another.
It was a bit strange with everyone knowing **** is still fighting cancer. I know both **** and I thought about it and I bet others did too. I guess I have to go back to being grateful and let the fear go.
Aloha,
Kathleen
I am sorry that others have experienced losing someone to suicide. It really is difficult. My thoughts and prayers go with you.0 -
That is a touching message,pete43lost_at_sea said:dear kathleen
dear kathleen,
i think i know how you feel about suicide. my brother and sister years ago committed suicide, i reflected back on these events during my cancer journey and believe mental illness is so misunderstood, mis diagnosed in our society, but i guess it no different to our general health as a society. all premature death {from cancer, mental illness or whatever} is a waste of life, which is so precious.
when you are on the water you love spreading your friends ashes, just hold dicks hand. you may notice the breeze, the seas, the sun maybe even birds. just smile and cry and breathe, its so good to be alive.... live moments you have together well.
and given its so good to be alive some of us decide to fight hard and long and live each day as fully as possible.
hugs,
pete
That is a touching message, Pete. I'm sorry about you're brother and sister.
Kathleen,
Your heart must feel heavy this week. The ceremony for your friend sounds beautiful.
Erin0 -
thanks erinErinb said:That is a touching message,
That is a touching message, Pete. I'm sorry about you're brother and sister.
Kathleen,
Your heart must feel heavy this week. The ceremony for your friend sounds beautiful.
Erin
dear erin,
the way i am today is a reflection of my past, yes some saddness, but that which gives me little room in my life for pessimism now. today my glass still appears half full no matter what. this time last year my t4 tumour was getting fat and so was i. now i am going home from hospital well. with today guaranteed and the rest a maybe. hugs
pete0 -
he must have big feet!!! else he would sink in the sand.lisa42 said:dear Kathleen
Hi Kathleen,
I'm so sorry to hear about all that is going on around you and is affecting you in such a deep way. I can't say much, just know that I am praying and wishing I could give you a hug in person.
Take care and God bless and keep you strong (remember the Footprints in the Sand poem- when the man looked down and saw only one set of footprints and questioned the Lord why he was left alone, He replied in the poem "Those footprints were mine & during that hard time it was I that carried you."
Hugs,
Lisa
hi lisa,
he is carrying so many of us.
i love that peom.
hugs,
pete0 -
Hugs Kathleen!Kathleen808 said:Thank you
Hi Friends,
You always have words that help me through. Thank you. Today turned turned out to be a beautiful day. Our friend's funeral was full of love, they called it a celebration of life and that's what it was. About 150 people met on the beach and talked about her and sang songs. Then we went out in boats and said good bye as we scattered her ashes and threw flower petals into the ocean. It just was reinforcement that the most important thing in life is sharing our love with one another.
It was a bit strange with everyone knowing **** is still fighting cancer. I know both **** and I thought about it and I bet others did too. I guess I have to go back to being grateful and let the fear go.
Aloha,
Kathleen
I am sorry that others have experienced losing someone to suicide. It really is difficult. My thoughts and prayers go with you.
Kathleen,
I'm glad the day turned out lovely and that it was a celebration of life. I know it's bittersweet to attend such occasions. I went to a funeral of someone at church about a month ago and it was hard to not think about maybe people coming to mine. But, we keep the faith and we press on. That's what we have to do!
Keeping you and **** and your daughters in thought and prayer-
Hugs,
Lisa0 -
Its the worstKathleen808 said:Thank you
Hi Friends,
You always have words that help me through. Thank you. Today turned turned out to be a beautiful day. Our friend's funeral was full of love, they called it a celebration of life and that's what it was. About 150 people met on the beach and talked about her and sang songs. Then we went out in boats and said good bye as we scattered her ashes and threw flower petals into the ocean. It just was reinforcement that the most important thing in life is sharing our love with one another.
It was a bit strange with everyone knowing **** is still fighting cancer. I know both **** and I thought about it and I bet others did too. I guess I have to go back to being grateful and let the fear go.
Aloha,
Kathleen
I am sorry that others have experienced losing someone to suicide. It really is difficult. My thoughts and prayers go with you.
As you know we lost our son to suicide 8 months ago, and there are days it seems like it was SEpt 2, 2010 all over again. I wont go into all the suffering it has caused my partner and our family. I do know that Mikey is in a better place and that he doesnt have to suffer anymore. I am sorry about your friend, but I to got and still get angry with Mike for doing what he did. I will never understand why exactly, well I will never accept is probably a better statement.
I am keeping you and **** in my prayers, like always...
Take care
HUGS
Beth0 -
Kathleen
I am so sorry for your many recent losses. I know it must be difficult. Perhaps if you think of your friend who committed suicide as succumbing to his mental illness (an illness all the same ... think of it as a brain based illness instead of a colon illness like **** has) it might be a little easier to understand and accept. Of course everything takes time and it sounds like you are having a tough time right now. All my prayers to you and your family and loved ones. HUGS0 -
Late Reply...
Hi Kathleen & ****
I'm very sorry for your friend's loss. It's hard to know what someone is actually going through or what they perceive is a problem that it too much to handle inside their mind.
I suppose in the end, it is not ours to really judge them, as their experience may not be something we could understand or accept. Life is tough on its own merits and sometimes things become too overwhelming to deal with and drastic action is taken.
We are given one life and what we do with it is up to us. I've always just tried to hang in there with the hope that tomorrow will be better than today and I don't want to miss it. It's such a permanent thing and once done is irreversible. That's the tragedy of it all.
I had my close uncle commit suicide and it was very hard as he and my sister were the closest family that I had. So, I understand the feelings associated with something like this. I was never mad at him, just hurt that he would not be around and in my life anymore...he was like my bigger brother and I adored him.
It's understandable how you can be so upset at your friend, but choices are made in life and sometimes they are not ones we always agree with. Take comfort in the fact of the times and memories that you shared with him and forgive him...the pain was obviously too great.
I am constantly amazed at ****'s stamina while doing chemo, I was just whipped doing it, but love to read how he overcomes it...very strong indeed. Having just finished up my 51st treatment, I'm hopeful that **** will eventually not have to do this anymore and can get a break and some rest from the chemicals.
Take care the both of you!
-Craig0 -
(((Kathleen & ****)))))
I am so sorry with all the gut-wrenching grief you are having to experience right now. You are an amazing woman in many ways but especially by being able to appreciate your blessings while feeling your grief so deeply.
Your spirit shines. Always.
Thank you for everything you bring to this site for the rest of us to soak in.
Hugs.
peace, emily0
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