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I get it now

zinniemay's picture
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

Interesting things always seam to boggle my mind. Like people saying they had enough of comments made by others, I did not get it till today.
What part of Stage 4 Larynx cancer mets to both lungs does some people not get? It is not Lung cancer since it came from LArynx and spread.There is no cure.
My Neice told me today well not to go into it, more or less me feel I do not do enought to help hubby. She said they can just transplate a lung . I wanted to say, you say this to me how dare you. My hubby dx Jan 2009 , She has stopped by once since 2009 and stayed and stayed till I had to feed them or starve, I try to think she is worried about him but Really. I have had enought. That was the straw that broke my back.
After finding out yesterday HUbbys tumor in lung is 19.8 mm in two months, Knowing I am not that educated but am learning more each day. Trying to save my hubby. He is excepted into a program (we hope) for Chemo docetaxel with a pill called AT 101. Trying to find ways to understand all these words and thing. Comming home daughter's car broke down on the off ramp of expressway (thank god a nice young man named Cody help push her car out way). Having to help hubby get things ready to tow the car home. Finding daughter has bad tooth her face swelled so bad I hurried to Er, since Dentist was closed. not eating almost all day cause of running back and forth to get test done for hubby. Get up today from phone call his blood count will not let him into program , so had to take him to Hospital here to have blood drawn. Great him blood was OK.Worried every day till I can not sleep.
What part where I am not doing enough?
Even Debbie Cakes can not help me now I just want to scream........
Sorry guys I love you all... but some days are so hard and what is harder is I can not express the fear, worry, angry feeling I have.

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Dear Zinnie,

I am so sorry to hear about your niece's visit and her insensitive words. But mostly about your husband's condition, and what you are going through!

Please don't let her words hurt you. You know, he knows, we know, what you have done all these years.

It sounds as if your plate is over-flowing. Take time to care for yourself. The things that you mention are going on in regards to everyday life, not hubby's cancer, are things that happen everyday, to everyone. But in our world, they are over-whelming! Somedays we want to say, "What else?".

Sending you a hug and wishes for some peace in your life. Take care, dear one.


zinniemay's picture
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

Lucy thank you, maybe this is one place that people really understand how hard life gets, and how much stress we are under,
Thank you for the kind words they do make me feel better

zinniemay's picture
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

Lucy thank you, maybe this is one place that people really understand how hard life gets, and how much stress we are under,
Thank you for the kind words they do make me feel better

karenbeth's picture
Posts: 194
Joined: Sep 2010

You have a lot going on now, and you are handling it so well. Ignore anyone telling you otherwise. And you did the best thing by coming here and venting.

My husband is in home hospice, he stopped eating and drinking several days ago, he is mostly sleeping now, more and more each day. I called his brother yesterday to let him know he should come by soon to see him. His brother told me I should be "force feeding" him water and bee pollen. I was so annoyed,and worried that when he comes he'll be going on and on about what I should be doing. I called my mother and vented to her, and felt better.

I'm sorry to hear that your hubby isn't doing well. I hope he responds to the new treatment. Hugs,


mswijiknyc's picture
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

May those who love us love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.

That's all I can say.

Love and hugs,

Posts: 1154
Joined: Jun 2010

Sometimes it pays to be the torpedo. I thru my relatives out of the house when they pulled that chit or tried to.

Posts: 1849
Joined: Aug 2010

You are doing just fine. Life is just hitting you full force right now and it makes all of us question everything when that happens.

Your niece knows nothing of the struggle, nor does she really want to or she would have been there. That having been said, her comments change nothing in the course of action you have been taking and will continue you to take - taking sweet care of your husband.

Your daughter's troubles weight heavily on you only because you are a good mom - your daughter is lucky to have you and I'm sure she knows it. Hope she gets some help for her tooth and it doesn't cost a zillion dollars!

Yes, some days and weeks and months and years are harder than others - but there is nothing you should do any different, because, my sweet friend Jenny, you are always and still doing your best.

Hugs, hugs, hugs.

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

It is amazing what people say sometimes. Just chalk it up to ignorance and move on. There used to be a thread on here that was things people should not say to us. Maybe we need it again. All of us have had some experience with people saying stupid things to us. Some actually mean well. Others just don't get it. Some are just dumb. Meanwhile, just keep on keeping on. You are doing fine. Fay

zinniemay's picture
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

I think sometimes it is just me. Maybe I read mmore into things and forget people say things with a good heart that comes out wrong.
Thank you all for your kind words . That mean so much to me.

Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

You happen to be one of the strongest woman I have met so far on here. Your strength ,love and commitment to what you do as a caregiver,,well only your hubby knows how and what you mean to him, really only those of us that know you as we do know that you dont'deserve anything but positive supportive words and blessings.
Sorry about your daughters car, seems like we can be tested for strength in many forms,( if one believes ) and this young man Cody bless his heart, as u can tell there is goodness left in some ppl, and believe he came to you to replenish your faith in many of us humans...( if that makes sense ).
Blood work, well honey , hubby will get that blood work where is should be, your wonderful cooking and good strength will see him thru that.
For family, or some family that never have been directly affected by being a caregiver or survivor never understand in thier hearts how all of this can be so overwhelming that being scared, worried for our loved one and ourselves is more than we can bare at times. We all break down and wonder if we are doing enough, caregiver-survivor, it's our thots that control so much negative at times it's hard.
Stress is certainly not welcome by others, family, friends, and if they dont' respect what you are feeling and going thru, maybe perhaps they don't deserve your time you've made for them out of respect for your hubby.
Hubby is a great man, and knows what your beautiful heart has done for him for many years, many trips to chemo, hold on to what you have been doing..... hold onto to those who respect you, the rest will have to take a back seat until time allows.
Special love ,and blessings my great friend............Bren

lovingwifedeb's picture
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

I am right there with you Zinniemay... Educating the relatives is an exhausting affair. One of my husband's pet peeve's is hearing after say his radiation was done... "hey, so now everything will be OK." - reality is Bob's melanoma is uncuttable and I have tried to let everyone know this.

I'm also losing my mother to lung cancer right, hospice is involved. My brothers (3) are all fighting. Horrible things are being said, feelings are hurt the family will never be the same again after she leaves. My mother if she knew what was going on would send everyone home, I know her that well.

Zinniemay, I like the comment of being more Charlie Sheen... handling the visitors and their comments is exactly where I am today. Bob has a sister that tries to take over and bending her kneecaps is my mission without destroying our family.

You are stronger than you think... Your writing tells me that. My only hope in life is that "karma" plays fairly and timely.

lovingwife, to Bob stage4 melanoma

UKLady's picture
Posts: 85
Joined: Jan 2011

Jennie- I sent you private mail but to share my own Charlie Sheen moment with the others- I had a sister in law who had her own private agenda and visited Steve about three weeks ago.It was about her divorce settlement not Steve.

So now she is settled down on my porch, she has ticked her box after eating my food, guesting etc like it is a hotel ;-)right down to dropping towels on the bathroom floor as though I am the maid ;-)

So I had a minxy moment and said *So what are the chances of seeing you ever again after you leave my home tomorrow?*

Her jaw dropped, I mean dropped- (I will confess my own did mentally as that popped right out- say what you are thinking)-I am usually such a polite Brit...

She looked aghast at the truth of it all actually laid bare- I said * no really-just asking -your life will go on and you won't even remember my name in six months- I shall just be Steve's widow to you*

April- you are soooooooooo bad in a good way honey- I learned to stop bottling it all up and place it out there from you and Penny!lol

Come Sunday morning , a woman who never really sees noon in wake mode unless its a big sales shopping weekend was out of my home,she ticked the box to say *I was there* just long enough and frankly Steve never knew her coming or going-such was her visit that our new caregiver heard her say how it was breaking her heart to see Steve etc and our normally placid girl said *Lyndsey that woman is so full of **** * So caregiver and I laughed at the woman's emptiness and moved on to a more important subject- Steve :-)

When I first joined here I was pretty quiet and reserved- now I just get those ducks off the fence and feel Steve is the better for my feeling less resentful to those who take away from our peace of mind at such a time

Love and hugs


zinniemay's picture
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

You are so so good to me. I did have the Charlie Sheen Moment! I told my sister why I told her daughter she was not welcome here. I like the old song"Let it all hang out" I was not nasty to my sister but I did speak my mind to me. And Yes it does feel better.
I reminded my sister that this is MY HOME I decide who can come here.
I took all the words you all said to me and added them up. I got my courage from your words. It made me know "IT is Not me" So I now am waiting for any one to say or do something That I find not right. I will rip them apart and eat them for a snack along with my Debbie cakes.
Thank you all for reminding me that this is my life, I will tak care of my husband and I will love him the way I always have. They can all kiss my grits(What is Grits anyway?) hahah
Love you all
Tears, April, Lyndsey, all you make me feel like I can move the world.

Posts: 1154
Joined: Jun 2010

It is okay to have a charlie sheen moment every now and then. It is oky when someone needs it.

Luv you guys!

zinniemay's picture
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

I have to say this ! I have made good friends on this site. Better to me than some people I have known all my life. The support I get here does not have limits. They seam to know how hard the road we are going down is. They do not question my love, my fears, my dreams, my crazy thoughts as they wonder and bounce from one end of my brain to the other end(somemay say short trip) . Some have went so far as to Make sure the Easter Bunny came to my home. How that just a smile on my face. It is not so important what they sent as the importance to know they though of me and cared to do something special for me. I am so humbled that they did take the time to care. I am so blessed not words could ever say thank you in the way them have made me feel. Pam and Chris I am doing the Hoppy dance for you both. April , Lana ,Brenda, Lyndsey, I can not thank you enought for caring. Soooo many of you to thank. Your words , your taking time to read my post , just knowing you are there for me.
THank you All , even if I did not say your name you know who you are cause you are reading my post.
Know that a smile can brighten the hardest day
a kind word can carry you miles


Posts: 710
Joined: Mar 2010

People can either help you or hinder you. If they are not there to help then show them the door. You or anyone going thru what you are going thru doesn't need someone trippin them up. Life is hard enough without tolerating BS. If they get their feelings hurt, then so what. You have bigger fish to fry than worrying about their feelings.

Your care, and devotion shines thru your words. Take care Jennie

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