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Perhaps a new stage in the "greiving" process...

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Good evening, dear ones,

I wanted to share what I have been feeling as of the last few days with you all. Today, at 8:20 pm, marked four months to the hour that my beloved Dennis passed away. Today, I went to Probate Court and his will was probated, with the smooth sweep of the Judge's hand. Another "finality" in this book of our lives.

Since his passing, I have experienced shock, pain, sorrow and anger. I grieved for HIS loss. I grieved for HIS pain. I grieved that HE would not see our granddaughter grow up, our children would have no father to come to for support, love and advice. I grieved for HIS sorrow at being diagnosed with lung cancer, extensive sclc and knowing that he may not be able to concur the beast. I grieved that HE would never golf, fish, dance, travel or enjoy retirement, as dedicated a husband and provider that he was. I have realized that this is what I had been grieving for and about.

As of the past few days I have begun to grieve for myself. Let me explain. The night that he died, I feel that "Mrs. Hoffman" died also, right there in that bed holding him. Her dreams and hopes died that night, too. She suffered much, the miracle she prayed and begged for was not to be. I now grieve and mourn for her loss. More and more, my tears are for what could have been, but will never be. MAJOR pity party! But in sharing this with my therapist, yesterday, she told me that we are allowed. We have been really hit with a tragedy, doesn't matter that we were aware that it could, and probably would, happen, it is still devastating.

We did not just lose our loves, our spouses, we lost us, who we were with them. And this too, will be mourned. This too, is part of the process. Many may experience the famous "survivor" guilt, but in reality, we lost much of ourselves too. The challenge comes in holding on or regaining that of us that made us the strong, nurturing persons that we were through the battle. And this time, it is for ourselves! Yes, most of us are exhausted, but at some point we will have to turn on that survival instinct that got us through the hardest times of our lives, and also, gave the greatest gift of all to our loved ones in their hardest times of their lives.

At the end, I asked her if she thought that I was moving into a new phase? She said it is very likely. She did remind me that sometimes, I may regress to grieving for, and about Dennis. But most likely, my "survival" instinct is beginning to kick in for myself, and getting through this next stage, will bring me to a the starting point of this new journey of mine.

You know, dear ones, I never asked for this "enlightenment" about life and death. As I am confident that you all didn't either. Why were we chosen to become knowledgeable, and even wise in these matters? One day, perhaps not even on this earth, we will know.

As always, you all are in my heart, thoughts and prayers.


Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

I think you've done pretty good and are having all the normal feelings that all of us have had since we lost our spouses. Some days will be good & some will be bad, but we just have to take one day at a time. Tom has been gone a year and I still think of him every thursday nite at 10:30 when I lost him so suddenly. The year has gone faster than I thought it would and never thought I'd be where I am today. We have to be so thankful for our kids and their families. Without their support I don't think I could've made it this far. I am now seeing someone I've known for years who lost his wife in 2005. He is such a support for me and is always there every time I need him if I'm feeling down. At first I felt guilty, but have since been able to overcome that. Take care Lucy!!! Dennis is watching down on you I'm sure and is proud of how far you've come. Carole

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

Carole, I am glad you have found support and companionship. There is no need for guilt. I'm sure that Tom would approve. Fay

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

We move through many stages. I lost Doug 18 months ago. I agree that friends and family have really helped me move forward. Yes, we lost part of ourselves and our identity when we lost our husbands. Gradually, I am learning to live with the new me, this me who is no longer half of a couple. I can't help but feel Doug's absence at family gatherings. I am sure that I will continue to feel it as granddaughts graduate to new beginnings or maybe marry. He was so proud of them. Yet, we are here. I think we are all moving forward. Yes, I do regress at times, but that's ok. We are surviving. Fay

Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Lucy, As I read your posting, I began to cry more than I have in the last week (which believe me has been a lot - almost as much as when Mike first passed away). And I think the reason is maybe what you said; maybe now I am crying for me and my loss. Mike passed away Jan. 23, 2011, so I am not far behind you on this (unfortunately for both of us - as well as the others here).

Your words as taken from your posting: "The night that he died, I feel that "Mrs. Hoffman" died also, right there in that bed holding him. Her dreams and hopes died that night, too. She suffered much, the miracle she prayed and begged for was not to be. I now grieve and mourn for her loss. More and more, my tears are for what could have been, but will never be. MAJOR pity party!" is exactly what I went through and could have been my last name in your sentence.

I know that in the Spring, Mike and I did work outside a lot together; although he did the balk of the manual work (wouldn't let me do it as it was "his work"). And we would start to do some road cycling together now. I hate Mike not being here with me; it just isn't right for any of us to have lost our spouses, but "it is what it is" (to use a Mike saying) and it makes me so sad.

I had not gone to counseling; I have a lot of family and friends who are still checking in on me, spending time and getting me to do things with them. I thought that I would be OK, but maybe I should be going for counseling after all? Unfortunately, Mike and I never had children (although we wanted them and thought it would happen someday - wrong). I think that makes it even worse in a way.

So Lucy, as always, you have given me something to ponder. And probating Mike's will, that is something I have put off but started thinking about this last week that I have got to do. Crap I hate cancer; even more so I hate not having Mike here.

Peace to all of you and take care. You all remain in my prayers and thoughts.

Posts: 170
Joined: Dec 2010

It's been one week since the passing of my husband it's all so new to me. I am grieving so much Don't know what to do. He was my rock. I am so lonely and scared. But the only think I do know is we have to go on tell it is our TIME, LOVE TO ALL OF YOU!

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