How to break the news?

laughs_a_lot
laughs_a_lot Member Posts: 1,368 Member
in Breast Cancer #1
I have some family members who are a bit fragile when it comes to hearing bad news. I have kept the diagnosis from many except my closest friends until after Tuesday morning when I get some answers from my surgical oncocologist. In this way I can avoid a lot of questions that I can't begin to answer. I have a daughter with some mental health issues. The nature of her illness makes everything seem magnified and overwhelming to her. I cannot leave out of this bad news as this would be even more harmful to her. I also have a nephew with Aspergerger's syndrome which is a mild form of Autism where the person is near normal but has some problems with normal social interactions.

I am creating a blog so that I can put in entries daily or several times a week so that family and friends can access information at any time if they are computer saavy. That way I can save my mental health and energy for speaking with those who do not use computers. It is the initial breaking of the news that I am worried about as both of these family members will be able to access the blog at thier liesure later. Any suggestions

Comments

  • CypressCynthia
    CypressCynthia Member Posts: 4,014 Member
    #2
    Hope this helps
    I don't even try to discuss the bad news with all of my family anymore. I tell a few trusted individuals and then enlist them to help me inform others. I also email where appropriate or even facebook. With the special problems that you are facing, you may want to enlist a counselor to help with the best way to break the news to the most fragile. But I think, if you are calm and honest, it may go better than you think. We had to tell our daughter when she was just four and it was hard. But we kept her informed and encouraged her to ask questions and she handled it well.

    A couple of links:

    Talking to your Kids about Cancer

    Talking with Family and Friends about Cancer
  • PinkPearl
    PinkPearl Member Posts: 280
    #3
    It is hard telling others
    It is hard telling others but I think you are doing the right thing in that you will have some answers by then and have a bit of time to think out your words and the positive points of your treatment plan. Then they can begin to absorb the news and begin to ask questions or watch and see how you are doing with it. I had to tell my 86 year old mother and a sister with severe depression issues plus my three children but I wanted them to see me strong and ready to deal with it. I think the converstion will flow because you love these people and they will pick up their cues from you. Thinking of you as this week begins. Hope you have a good appt with a plan that you can embrace.
  • laughs_a_lot
    laughs_a_lot Member Posts: 1,368 Member
    #4
    Thanks
    Thanks Ladies for your input. I noticed the link on talking to children did not work. Perhaps it is a temporary glitch. I will try again later. My children are grown but I have grandchildren ranging in age from 15 down to 1 year old. You may be right that it will go better than I anticipate. Also my nephew has a guardian and I asked her to give me input so I think she can assist with his reaction. I will be including her on the people I tell about my blog. I have a few days to think about this plus I have the guardian thinking about my nephew as well. A little help goes a long way.
  • jnl
    jnl Member Posts: 3,869 Member
    #5
    CypressCynthia said:

    Hope this helps
    I don't even try to discuss the bad news with all of my family anymore. I tell a few trusted individuals and then enlist them to help me inform others. I also email where appropriate or even facebook. With the special problems that you are facing, you may want to enlist a counselor to help with the best way to break the news to the most fragile. But I think, if you are calm and honest, it may go better than you think. We had to tell our daughter when she was just four and it was hard. But we kept her informed and encouraged her to ask questions and she handled it well.

    A couple of links:

    Talking to your Kids about Cancer

    Talking with Family and Friends about Cancer

    It's always hard to tell our
    It's always hard to tell our loved ones about our diagnosis, our treatments and even how we feel at times. Everyone deals with it differently, but, what you are doing sounds great to me. Cynthia posted some great sites. I hope they help.


    Leeza
  • Rague
    Rague Member Posts: 3,653 Member
    #6
    Can't give any input for
    Can't give any input for talking to extended family - I/we don't have one. Hubby's parents were gone before I Met him and he's an only child. My parents have been gone for many year - I do have brother but we haven't been close for many years. We have 2 Sons and a G-daughter - thats it so no problem for me - I've talked from day one with them as to what is going on.
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #7
    Rague said:

    Can't give any input for
    Can't give any input for talking to extended family - I/we don't have one. Hubby's parents were gone before I Met him and he's an only child. My parents have been gone for many year - I do have brother but we haven't been close for many years. We have 2 Sons and a G-daughter - thats it so no problem for me - I've talked from day one with them as to what is going on.

    I was too emotional so i had
    I was too emotional so i had my husband tell people. he told my daughters.
  • Kylez
    Kylez Member Posts: 3,761 Member
    #8
    laughs_a_lot said:

    Thanks
    Thanks Ladies for your input. I noticed the link on talking to children did not work. Perhaps it is a temporary glitch. I will try again later. My children are grown but I have grandchildren ranging in age from 15 down to 1 year old. You may be right that it will go better than I anticipate. Also my nephew has a guardian and I asked her to give me input so I think she can assist with his reaction. I will be including her on the people I tell about my blog. I have a few days to think about this plus I have the guardian thinking about my nephew as well. A little help goes a long way.

    I bet it will go smoother
    I bet it will go smoother than you think. I pray that it does. Creating a blog will reach so many so quickly. Very smart!

    Good luck to you,

    Kylez
  • Ritzy
    Ritzy Member Posts: 4,381 Member
    #9
    PinkPearl said:

    It is hard telling others
    It is hard telling others but I think you are doing the right thing in that you will have some answers by then and have a bit of time to think out your words and the positive points of your treatment plan. Then they can begin to absorb the news and begin to ask questions or watch and see how you are doing with it. I had to tell my 86 year old mother and a sister with severe depression issues plus my three children but I wanted them to see me strong and ready to deal with it. I think the converstion will flow because you love these people and they will pick up their cues from you. Thinking of you as this week begins. Hope you have a good appt with a plan that you can embrace.

    The other sisters in pink
    The other sisters in pink have given you great advice. Please know that I am praying for you and that we are all here for you whenever you need us.


    Sue :)
  • ms.sunshine
    ms.sunshine Member Posts: 707 Member
    #10
    carkris said:

    I was too emotional so i had
    I was too emotional so i had my husband tell people. he told my daughters.

    I couldn't either
    I just could not get the words out. I had my husband tell my sisters and the word got around. I felt like I couldn't deal with their emotions. I was having a hard enough time with my own. I didn't have the energy to comfort them. I had no answers to all their questions at that time.
  • CypressCynthia
    CypressCynthia Member Posts: 4,014 Member
    #11
    laughs_a_lot said:

    Thanks
    Thanks Ladies for your input. I noticed the link on talking to children did not work. Perhaps it is a temporary glitch. I will try again later. My children are grown but I have grandchildren ranging in age from 15 down to 1 year old. You may be right that it will go better than I anticipate. Also my nephew has a guardian and I asked her to give me input so I think she can assist with his reaction. I will be including her on the people I tell about my blog. I have a few days to think about this plus I have the guardian thinking about my nephew as well. A little help goes a long way.

    Link
    The link isn't working and I'm not sure why? Try copying and pasting this:

    http://www.cancercare.org/pdf/fact_sheets/fs_children_en.pdf

    You could also google "Talking to Your Kids About Your Diagnosis" and the document is a pdf one from cancercare.org.
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #12
    I totally understand...
    wanting to tell/ inform everyone in the right way. I did not have all those situations and MY mom had died about year prior.(she would have been my PROBLEM for sure-worry wart 101) MY close friend (like a mom to me since birth) who has BC a few times was the hardest to tell. I told her daughter and we decided to wait until after I KNEW everything from DR, tests etc.

    I think just tell enough to appease them (if that makes sense)

    MY now 16 yr old neice just asked me this week about my BC (which is just about 3 yrs ago) and said no one ever talked about it. She asked me many questions and I answered truthfully!

    I wish you luck...with treatments, talking to family and friends..etc...

    Denise
  • camul
    camul Member Posts: 2,537
    #13
    How I told my family
    I called each of my brothers and sisters the day I was diagnosed. My kids and ex were here when I made the calls, and my close friends were my rock while I waited for the initial results of the scans. They in turn told their families. I have a very large family, 9 living brothers and sisters. Then I told other friends.

    Some took longer than others to process the information.

    Since the initial contact, I send out an "update" in an email every couple of weeks. I have included family, some extended family (a cousin, who prints it and gives it to my aunts, I have 60 or so cousins) and friends.

    It has taken pressure off of me and my boys for more in depth information. It has kept everyone in the loop and they all know they can call if they feel they need to, or just to talk! At the same time I have the control over how much I want the masses to know.

    I love them all, but not all of them can handle my diagnosis!

    My thoughts and prayers are with you, this is a very hard and emotional step in your journey.
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
    #14
    I would suggest you
    I would suggest you practice, try telling one or two family members before you attempt telling the more "fragile" family members. (My best friend of 20 years has a son with Aspbergers, and we've had to be careful about how information was presented to him.) You might even consider a "role play" with someone you trust and who knows how those family members might react.

    Caring Bridge is a website designed for people with serious/chronic illness who want to Blog about it, you might check it out if you haven't already.

    Come back and let us know how things turn out.

    Hugs,

    Linda
  • laughs_a_lot
    laughs_a_lot Member Posts: 1,368 Member
    #15
    Was able to tell one
    I decided to tell my daughter the day before the doctor's office visit. It was a good mental health day for her (thank God for that). She took it fairly well. I had her view a couple of educational videos from this site on the subject too. I will be telling my nephew tommorrow and will probably also use the videos for him as well. I spoke to his guardian today and she had no suggestions. She did think that he would be able to understand the news intellectually but the emotional part may be difficult. This newphew lost his father (my brother) a year and a half ago to an untimely death and we have been close ever since.
  • Jennifer1961
    Jennifer1961 Member Posts: 137
    #16
    I was really afraid to tell
    I was really afraid to tell my mom and my kids. I just waited until I had a lot of info. I had stage 2a, grade 3. I just told them what the doctors told me - I would probably be fine. I think my mom took it really hard at first, but the more she talked about it the more she found out how many bc survivors there really are. I keep reassuring my kids not to worry (that's my job right!) the doctors say I'm going to be fine. Just be as honest as you can and try to play up any positive info you have.
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #17
    Jennifer1961 said:

    I was really afraid to tell
    I was really afraid to tell my mom and my kids. I just waited until I had a lot of info. I had stage 2a, grade 3. I just told them what the doctors told me - I would probably be fine. I think my mom took it really hard at first, but the more she talked about it the more she found out how many bc survivors there really are. I keep reassuring my kids not to worry (that's my job right!) the doctors say I'm going to be fine. Just be as honest as you can and try to play up any positive info you have.

    I made mistake
    I jotted notes down when Dr called to tell me and left near daughters computer (I started looking up what it meant)

    she saw it and she took looked up and then called me in big panic...I told her I was ok...!

    NOT a good way for her (then 16 yr) to find out!

    I'll be thinking of you....
  • laughs_a_lot
    laughs_a_lot Member Posts: 1,368 Member
    #18
    Outcome
    Was able to speak to my nephew today. He had no emotion as I told him. This is pretty typical for his diagnosis. The good news is that he got the message that I probably am going to live for quite some time. This was important since he lost his father a year and a half ago. Even if that is all he takes away from it I will be glad for that part. I am sure he will figure out the rest as time goes by. I also told him I would probably be more tired than usual. I think that part also sunk in. He's smart but emotions are not his ball game.
  • CypressCynthia
    CypressCynthia Member Posts: 4,014 Member
    #19
    laughs_a_lot said:

    Outcome
    Was able to speak to my nephew today. He had no emotion as I told him. This is pretty typical for his diagnosis. The good news is that he got the message that I probably am going to live for quite some time. This was important since he lost his father a year and a half ago. Even if that is all he takes away from it I will be glad for that part. I am sure he will figure out the rest as time goes by. I also told him I would probably be more tired than usual. I think that part also sunk in. He's smart but emotions are not his ball game.

    I am so glad that you were
    I am so glad that you were able to talk with them. The great thing about opening up to them is that, when they hear inaccuracies from others, you can discuss that with the. Someone told Katherine that I was dying and, because I had discussed my diagnosis and treatment with her before, she did come and ask me about it. I was able to reassure that although I looked like crap, I was actually doing well.

    It sounds like you are doing an awesome job!

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