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Hope I can face this

Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Tonight is a sad night for me again. I just found out on facebook (of all places) that my hubby, Tom's niece has passed away today from pancreatic cancer. She's been fighting it for a year and a half. She was one of the sweetest persons in his family. And of all things, tomorrow would be mine & Tom's 47th wedding anniversary. I can't believe no one called me, but I had to read it on Facebook . I feel so bad cause I haven't gone to see her, but I just couldn't face seeing her like that. I'm so scared that this might put me back into depression again and I don't know what to do. The tears are rolling down my face right now. I can't even call my kids to tell them cause I'm crying too hard. Help me make it through this please!!!!!!! "Carole"

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Dear One,

I know how you must have already been feeling, tomorrow being your anniversary date. I can't imagine the sadness of another family member's life being taken by cancer!

As I think you know, today was to be my love and mine's 30th anniversary. I cried and cried yesterday. Two separate times. Today my eyes were still puffy and red, but I spent the morning with my sister, my niece and my daughter at the beauty salon. You see as a tribute to her uncle, my husband, she had 14" of hair cut off to donate to a cancer society that makes and gives wigs to children and adults! It was beautiful and she is beautiful! We then went to lunch, and upon returning home there was a precious arrangement that had been delivered to my door. My loving daughter had sent it to me! She said, mom, I didn't want you not to have flowers this year, as was daddy's tradition to send you roses for your anniversary. Happy anniversary, mom! How I was touched by her love and desire to keep my love's tradition going, especially so soon after his passing.

Carole, I woke up this morning thinking that I know I am not married, in the mortal sense of the word, anymore. But my sorrow and broken heart are too recent to just say, ok, poof, you're not married! I chose to spend today recalling all of our love, the special things we did on our anniversaries in the past. I think I may try to look at this date, Feb. 7th, from now on as the moment when Dennis and I began our journeys together on this earth. His journey has come to an end, mine continues. It will be a date that I will recall all the love and wonderful life we shared and be grateful for it.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow and praying that you are filled with the recollections of yours and Tom's journey. And may your journey only grow more peaceful and joyous with each passing day.


Posts: 1862
Joined: Aug 2010

That maybe your husband's family didn't want to put you through this "again" - seeing someone you love terminally ill with cancer. I'm sure they didn't mean any harm and likely had your best interests at heart, Carole.

Do whatever you would normally do when there is a death this close in your family - go to the funeral home, go to the funeral, go to the family's house if you can't face the cemetery, offer to stay at the house during the funeral/burial, bake a cake, send a card - whatever would be usual for you - because you need to do something constructive and positive right now. Do whatever you choose to do in the daylight so when you leave, you are walking into sunshine, not the darkness of night.

You can do this, Carole. I have seen your strength here on this discussion board.


grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

Deaths seem to hit us really hard especially if it is cancer. We can weather these, but it isn't easy. My prayers are with you. Hugs, Fay

Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Sorry Carole for your loss. I agree that maybe your family was trying to protect you in some way. There seems to be no end to the cruelty of this disease. As always in my thoughts.

Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

I am very sorry to hear of this bad news, especially at this time for you. I will pray for peace for you and your family and take some deep breaths and try to calm yourself.

Peace, Gayle

Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Carole, please try to not think on negative terms as to why they did not call you. I know someone where something similar happened; they did not get a call because the family was concerned that it would hurt them too much. As was mentioned by others, do what you would normally do for a family death. And do whatever you need to do to keep this beastly disease from dragging you down into depression. Talk to your kids as much as you can. I know from other postings that you are a strong person. Many hugs.

Pennymac02's picture
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Carole, you can make it through this. Your nieces passing is horrible and tragic, just like losing Tom was. But they were each unique and special individuals, and deserve to be remembered with joy and the bittersweet sadness that comes when we lose those we hold dear. No body called you because they didn't want to put you through this again. I think they were trying to protect you. You'll be alright. Its okay to be sad. It doesn't mean you have to take the depression back on again. It just means you're grieving for a sweet woman who also lost her battle to the Beast Cancer. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. ((Hugs))

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

How are you? I know that you have been keeping watch over all our other caregivers as I have. I know that it has brought back memories for me, and most likely for you. I know that there is a reason for us to be be witness to this, just don't know what that reason is yet.
I was thinking of you, had not seen you post if you were ok. Maybe this is the reason why we have been witness to all of this?

Take care,


Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Today was the funeral for Tom's niece. My daughter went with me so I didn't have to go alone. Of course I didn't want to cry but I lost it and just broke down. Guess it was also hard cause it brought back memories of Tom's funeral.
I was hoping and praying that this would be a good year, but it seems like it never ends. Also have a friend who has colon cancer and isn't doing good and they've stopped treatment, so it's probably not going to be long before I'll be doing this again. I hate cancer and it just keeps taking so many people I love.
You guys on here are all great and have been such a great support group. I hate to say it but I'm addicted to this site!!!
Thanks again for being here for me!! "Carole"

skipper85's picture
Posts: 231
Joined: Sep 2010

First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I agree with the others though. I think your family was just trying to spare you. Don't hold it against them. They probably thought they were doing the right thing. I understand how upset this makes you. Every time I hear of a friend or relative that has cancer or has passed I am so sad. I don't cry a lot because I'm on meds to keep me emotionally in check. It's still hard though. Grieving takes a long time to get through. You're going to be okay. Birthdays, anniversaries (especially)and holidays are going to be a little rough for all of us who have lost our loved ones. Hearing of a close relative or friend's death just brings back all those agonizing feelings. It's all part of the grieving process and we all have to go through it. The good news is that you're not going through it alone. We're right here for you. Cry your eyes out until you can't cry anymore. You've obviously still have more grieving to do for your husband. Talk with your husband. He can still hear you and I'm sure he's watching over you. There's strength in numbers. Lean on us and draw strength from us. Talk with your kids. They need you as much as you need them. Help each other. You're going to be okay.


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