Sometimes I just want to drink myself numb

wendybill
wendybill Member Posts: 84
edited March 2014 in Ovarian Cancer #1
Honestly, This isn't even my disease and I feel like I'm barely hanging in there. Maybe this is just a down period. I'm not coping well. I really hate this disease. I feel like I will survive my mothers illness and then get it myself. Even if caught early, it seems like it still gets you. I can't believe we are going through this. My mom will barely speak to me. She says she won't watch TV or read in the hospital. She just closes her eyes she says. I asked her what she thinks about and she says "nothing". What do I do with this? I'm sure she has so many thoughts that she can't contain them all. I'm not sure our relationship has room for this disease. Emotions have never come easy for my mother. Adapting to what is happening is going to be really difficult. I don't think I am going to get my needs met through this process and that is hard. I think my mother is going to suffer and then leave me. I don't feel like she will never be able to talk about what is happening and that makes me sad. Really sad.
Wendy

Comments

  • kellyh33
    kellyh33 Member Posts: 287
    #2
    Coping
    Hi Wendy,
    I felt the same way when my mom was diagnosed in June of this year.
    Your Mom is probably just processing how she feels. She is still dealing with her own emotions and trying to keep them in check. I knew my Mom was scared but I didn't know all her darks thoughts for weeks. She wanted to keep them to herself because she didn't want to scare me. What I finally told her was her not talking to me was even scarier for me.
    I also worry about getting cancer, i think it is normal and soon you will be able to breath.
    Did your mom do the genetic testing? I am sorry you and your mom have to go through this. Han in there and keep your chin up, it does get better.
    Kelly
    kellyh33@rogers.com
  • eward
    eward Member Posts: 210
    #3
    sad
    You have every right to be sad about this and to have difficulty coping with it. This is an awful disease. I am in the same boat as you, with my mom being diagnosed with stage 4 primary peritoneal/ovarian cancer in April of 2009. It is an understatement to say her diagnosis was a shock. Going from "normalcy" to this stage 4 diagnosis is unthinkable.

    One thing that helped me early on - probably about the stage you are in now - was that I went to our local Cancer Support Center. I was able to have a couple of counseling sessions with a wonderful and caring social worker(I think - or a psychologist) for free. If you are in the Chicago area, let me know and I will give you the name of where I went. Since then, my mom eventually started attending counseling, support groups, and meditation sessions there. It has helped quite a bit for both of us.

    My heart goes out to you. If you want to send me an email at home, my address is ejward@ameritech.net.

    Take care,
    Eileen
  • srwruns
    srwruns Member Posts: 343
    #4
    Wendy, this sounds so
    Wendy, this sounds so painful. It's horrible what this disease does to families. Are there any social support services in your area or at the hospital where your mom is treated? At my treatment center they have a number of cancer supportive services targeted for care givers. Perhaps something like that is available for you? I also read in one of your earlier posts you had young children with special needs. It breaks my heart when I read about so many of you that are suffering and then have young families or other ill family members to care take also. I can't begin to imagine. I am not much of a talker either and sometimes I appreciate just having someone sit with me quietly and I relish their companionship and company. Perhaps just holding her hand and "being there" with her is the place to start communicating with her. Sometimes when I was feeling at my worst I literally couldn't process langauge. Someone just sitting with me gave me immense comfort.
    Just my thoughts...Susan
  • kayandok
    kayandok Member Posts: 1,202 Member
    #5
    Oh Wendy,
    hang in there, give her room to process. Meanwhile, is there someone you can talk to?
    Praying for you today,
    kathleen
  • Mum2bellaandwilliam
    Mum2bellaandwilliam Member Posts: 412
    #6
    Chin up!
    I know where you are coming from, my mum was diagnosed with stage 3 PPC ,she has one ore,lot of chemotherapy to go.
    It has rocked our world , as it has rocked yours to , no one knows how awful it is to watch your mum go through this unless it happens to them.
    Maybe your mum is trying to protect you from dark thoughts she maybe having , it is natural to want to protect your children.
    I have also worried that I am now at risk from ovca / ppc , I think it is normal, I am also worried about my daughter , she is only 3 but I have thought Christ she is at risk, natural instinct as a mother is to worry about your children and protect them as I mentioned earlier.
    Have you spoken with your mum about having counselling? It may help her to speak with someone who is detached from the family.
    I hope you can break her barriers down, it must be so difficult. Thinking of you and sending you a big cyber ((hug)) xxxxxx
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #7
    time to know her
    During the first year of my mother's illness I felt all sorts of internal disintegration. Better now, which is good because it makes me a stronger, more capable caregiver.

    My mother wouldn't talk about her fear, either, but I saw it in her eyes. One of the best things we did together was to put together a photo story of her life. She really enjoyed revisiting her youth this way, and I was able to get the right dates and locations for treasure images -- her high school graduation, bringing first baby home from hospital, playing with the grandchildren. This project helped me get to know my mom much better, as a person, and it brought comfort to her by validating her life.

    Remember that your mom's depression is her own, and she will work through it. Send her a card every day, so when you're not there, she will never feel forgotten.
  • Cafewoman53
    Cafewoman53 Member Posts: 735 Member
    #8
    Wendy
    Take it one day at a time , I have two adult daughters and they are doing much better now 6 months after my diagnosis. Your Mom had it much rougher than me with her long hospital stay on top of having her world turned upside down. She may be trying to protect you by not sharing her thoughts but maybe she needs something for depression talk to someone . There are times when I've been lost in thought like your Mom and my daughter will ask what I am thinking and I tell her "nothing" but I know she doesn't really want to hear what it was on my mind. My girls think if I talk about death that I am giving up on life which is not true. Just be there for her but take care of yourself also. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this nasty horrible disease but you are not alone, your Mom coming out of her coma was an inspiration to me and I'm sure others too. She is a fighter hang on to that.
    Colleen
  • msfanciful
    msfanciful Member Posts: 559
    #9
    Wendy,
    Do you have anyone to
    Wendy,

    Do you have anyone to talk to?

    Perhaps a support for caregivers? There is a caregivers sight on the ACS board
    I believe.

    I know it seems like an eternity, but this is going to be a process that your mother as well as you will have to go through, there is just no way around it.

    Love,
    Sharon

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