I watched her die

gerrys girl
gerrys girl Member Posts: 11
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
I was with my mom when she took her last breath and it is a vision I cannot let go of.I can't look at her pictures without seeing her struggling to breath.The look in her eyes haunts me.The unspoken words that may have prepared her better fill my mind.I have no zest for life,no desire to do anything, since she passed on August 30,2010.She was everything to me mother,father and friend,I always knew I had someone I could count on as long as she was alive,now I feel lost.I am also sooo angry with family who abandoned her in her time of need,I hate being angry,don't know how else to deal with all the feelings.Just writing this,knowing it's about my mom, makes me want to cry,any time I think about her I want to cry.I loved her so much.How long will it be before I can think about her and smile,or is that even possible?
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Comments

  • 3Mana
    3Mana Member Posts: 811
    Hard thing to do
    Gerry,
    That was a hard thing for you to do. I went through it with both of my parents. And now this last March, my husband passed away from lung cancer. He was only sick 2 months and had a rare side effect from Avastin. He was fine all day and we watched TV at night. He went upstairs at 10:00 and wasn't up there 5 minutes when he pounded on the floor with his foot. I ran up the stairs to find him hemmorraging in the bathroom. I felt helpless and then he started to collapse and I just grabbed him and laid him on the floor. Called 911 and they came real quick and worked on him for quite awhile but it was too late. It's a hard thing to go through and I'll never forget how traumatic it was. We never got to say "Goodbye" and it hurts so bad.
    Are you seeing a counselor? I am and it helps alot. It's one on one and not group therapy. Try it if you're having a rough time. Keep me posted on how you're doing, okay?
    "Carole"
  • Luv2lunch
    Luv2lunch Member Posts: 270
    Gerrys girl,
    Hi. I'm so very

    Gerrys girl,
    Hi. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling.
    I'm not sure what to say. I do believe that maybe your Mom felt better that you were there with her. Maybe the body was just struggling and she was already gone?
    My Mom is currently living with me and my husband. She was diagnosed with rectal cancer in April of this year. She went through her chemo and radiation, surgery, and is now on more chemo. Like you, my Mom is my world. She has become my best friend over the years. I lost my father about 10 years ago and that was really, really hard. He was so special to me. Both of my brothers moved away to go to college and I stayed to be near them. I never wanted to be away. So my friendship with my Mom grew and grew. I know how you feel.
    You will be able to smile again thinking about her. It just will take time. It is still so new and your feelings are still raw.
    Believe that she is in a better place. She is not hurting anymore. I don't like to talk religion because I don't know what peoples beliefs are, but I deep down believe she is at peace.
    I'm not sure, but I don't think you would change where you were at the time of her passing. You were there, her best friend by her side. She probably felt ok to let go knowing you were right there. I hope I'm not upsetting you by saying this. I only hope that I can be so lucky to be with my mom during her final moments.
    I am also angry at my brothers that they are not more a part of moms treatment. One brother lives just 15 minutes from me and he has come to see her maybe 3 times since April. The other is 4 hours and has come twice.
    I just know that they are the ones that are going to be sad. Sad that they never took the time to visit her and just hold her hand.
    I'm hoping mom is going to bounce back from this last round of chemo, but who knows. I do know that I am the lucky one to get these moments with her, and you should feel the same. Let the anger go. You were the one with your mom when it counted.
    Try and remember the good times when you look at the pictures. You were a good daughter and she is looking down on you right now, wanting you to go on and not be so sad.
    I will be thinking of you and praying for you very hard to make peach with this. If you ever need a shoulder or want to vent, please write.
    Take care of yourself,
    Love and hugs,
    Linda
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522
    So sorry
    I saw you post today and wanted to cry today , three years ago my mother died. We were not perfect and had our moments. But She was always there if I needed her . I remeber coming home and thinking oh I need to call mom. Three years and I still at times think Oh I need to ask or tell her something. So I know it is not easy.
    The day will come and memories will feel your heart , a smell , a thought some little something that your mom did or taught you you will remember and it will brang a smile . And the tears.
    I wish you peace.
    Jennie
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    visualization technique
    I took care of my father during his last days and had the same awful visions burned in my brain. A few weeks afterward I would hit periods when I could not stop crying. Desperate, I went for some grief counseling, which helped immensely. The best technique the counselor taught me had to do with taking control of those terrible mental pictures. He had me collect a few favorite photos of my father from happier times, and memorize them. Then, when the bad images came to mind, I learned to click forward to a picture that was comforting and good. This really works, and I hope you will try it.

    I was my father's baby girl. It will take time, but you will eventually come to terms with this loss and go on, the way your mother would want you to do.
  • This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • gerrys girl
    gerrys girl Member Posts: 11
    3Mana said:

    Hard thing to do
    Gerry,
    That was a hard thing for you to do. I went through it with both of my parents. And now this last March, my husband passed away from lung cancer. He was only sick 2 months and had a rare side effect from Avastin. He was fine all day and we watched TV at night. He went upstairs at 10:00 and wasn't up there 5 minutes when he pounded on the floor with his foot. I ran up the stairs to find him hemmorraging in the bathroom. I felt helpless and then he started to collapse and I just grabbed him and laid him on the floor. Called 911 and they came real quick and worked on him for quite awhile but it was too late. It's a hard thing to go through and I'll never forget how traumatic it was. We never got to say "Goodbye" and it hurts so bad.
    Are you seeing a counselor? I am and it helps alot. It's one on one and not group therapy. Try it if you're having a rough time. Keep me posted on how you're doing, okay?
    "Carole"

    thanks
    Hello Carole, thank you so much for sharing your story with me.I can't imagine how hard that was for you,and I, like you, felt so helpless.You see I am a certified nurses aid and throughout her battle I as able to do things for her that most people can't,so when she was in pain or uncomfortable or didn't understand what was going on, I could usually "fix" things.
    But,the night she died she endured about 7 hours of struggling to breath,they had her on every drug they could give her and even sedated her but she still managed to stay awake,she would call my name,as if to say please help me, and I couldn't.I should tell you my mom never believed she was going to die,we tried to talk to her about it but she would just tune us out,so that night when we were told she would not make the night we called the minister to come and the minute we put our hands on her to pray,she came out of the sedation and said "I am not going to die",she started to struggle to get up,I kept telling her to please let go and go to the light,but she kept fighting for what seemed to be forever.That killed me to watch that,so I went into the other room,got down on my knees and begged God to take her.Asking God to take the one person in my life I could always count on was the hardest thing I have ever done,I dont regret it,her suffering is over,but I miss her terribly.Just writing this, knowing it's about her,brings on the tears.I am not seeing a counselor,but I have thought about it.Just need the courage to open up to someone.I guess I just feel like people will think i am wierd cause I can't seem to get over losing my mom,I am 47 years old after all,I should be able to deal with this.Anyway,thanks again for your kind words,and advice,I appreciate it more than you know.I am sending love your way,and will pray for all good things to come to you.Have a great day!!!
  • gerrys girl
    gerrys girl Member Posts: 11
    unknown said:

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator

    I can't feel her
    hello Sherri,thanks so much for your words of wisdom.I know you are right about letting go of the anger,it is only hurting me, but I think it will take some time to get over the abandonment I feel for not just me, but for my mother,no one seemed to be able to take the time for her.It broke my heart when she asked where everyone was.I have heard others say they can feel their loved ones around them but I don't and I desperately want to.I have even gone so far as to look for a medium,that sounds crazy doesn't it?It's a good thing I live in a small rural community in Saskatchewan,no mediums here, I would surely just be wasting my money,or would I?I dont know,I'm such a mess.I am happy that you can remember your Mom and feel at peace and I pray that day will come for me too.Thanks again,I am sending love your way and will pray fr all good things to come to you.
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member

    I can't feel her
    hello Sherri,thanks so much for your words of wisdom.I know you are right about letting go of the anger,it is only hurting me, but I think it will take some time to get over the abandonment I feel for not just me, but for my mother,no one seemed to be able to take the time for her.It broke my heart when she asked where everyone was.I have heard others say they can feel their loved ones around them but I don't and I desperately want to.I have even gone so far as to look for a medium,that sounds crazy doesn't it?It's a good thing I live in a small rural community in Saskatchewan,no mediums here, I would surely just be wasting my money,or would I?I dont know,I'm such a mess.I am happy that you can remember your Mom and feel at peace and I pray that day will come for me too.Thanks again,I am sending love your way and will pray fr all good things to come to you.

    Gerry's girl
    Although not with my mom, I have been in the position of holding a loved one's hand or being there physically with them when they passed away.

    Feeling your loved ones around you - Honey, that takes time and a quiet spirit and I don't think you have a quiet spirit just now. You will get there. Even during these sad times, her love is surrounding you. Stop, take a deep breath and feel it.

    I am very sorry your family and friends were not there for your mom's passing - did she wish for them to be closer in happier times? That must make it even more difficult for you.

    You must remember you are not alone in this - many people experience the same kind of tragic loss without the support of friends and family and it is a very hard thing to go through. Please look for bereavement groups in your area, find a local church and speak to the minister (United Methodist churches in the U.S. have something called Stephen's workers who deal specifically with death and dying and the needs of everyone involved - you could try that) and remember to come here and talk, talk, talk, Gerry's girl.

    Bunches of hugs to you.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member

    I can't feel her
    hello Sherri,thanks so much for your words of wisdom.I know you are right about letting go of the anger,it is only hurting me, but I think it will take some time to get over the abandonment I feel for not just me, but for my mother,no one seemed to be able to take the time for her.It broke my heart when she asked where everyone was.I have heard others say they can feel their loved ones around them but I don't and I desperately want to.I have even gone so far as to look for a medium,that sounds crazy doesn't it?It's a good thing I live in a small rural community in Saskatchewan,no mediums here, I would surely just be wasting my money,or would I?I dont know,I'm such a mess.I am happy that you can remember your Mom and feel at peace and I pray that day will come for me too.Thanks again,I am sending love your way and will pray fr all good things to come to you.

    Words
    I really don't have anything to add to what has already been said. I will tell you that anger is a normal part of grief. Speaking as a mother, I can tell you that your mother was very proud of you. She knew you were there. You will always carry your mother in your heart and memory. Your love for each other is still here. Take time to heal. Grief takes time. I'll hold you in my thoughts. Fay
  • gerrys girl
    gerrys girl Member Posts: 11
    Luv2lunch said:

    Gerrys girl,
    Hi. I'm so very

    Gerrys girl,
    Hi. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling.
    I'm not sure what to say. I do believe that maybe your Mom felt better that you were there with her. Maybe the body was just struggling and she was already gone?
    My Mom is currently living with me and my husband. She was diagnosed with rectal cancer in April of this year. She went through her chemo and radiation, surgery, and is now on more chemo. Like you, my Mom is my world. She has become my best friend over the years. I lost my father about 10 years ago and that was really, really hard. He was so special to me. Both of my brothers moved away to go to college and I stayed to be near them. I never wanted to be away. So my friendship with my Mom grew and grew. I know how you feel.
    You will be able to smile again thinking about her. It just will take time. It is still so new and your feelings are still raw.
    Believe that she is in a better place. She is not hurting anymore. I don't like to talk religion because I don't know what peoples beliefs are, but I deep down believe she is at peace.
    I'm not sure, but I don't think you would change where you were at the time of her passing. You were there, her best friend by her side. She probably felt ok to let go knowing you were right there. I hope I'm not upsetting you by saying this. I only hope that I can be so lucky to be with my mom during her final moments.
    I am also angry at my brothers that they are not more a part of moms treatment. One brother lives just 15 minutes from me and he has come to see her maybe 3 times since April. The other is 4 hours and has come twice.
    I just know that they are the ones that are going to be sad. Sad that they never took the time to visit her and just hold her hand.
    I'm hoping mom is going to bounce back from this last round of chemo, but who knows. I do know that I am the lucky one to get these moments with her, and you should feel the same. Let the anger go. You were the one with your mom when it counted.
    Try and remember the good times when you look at the pictures. You were a good daughter and she is looking down on you right now, wanting you to go on and not be so sad.
    I will be thinking of you and praying for you very hard to make peach with this. If you ever need a shoulder or want to vent, please write.
    Take care of yourself,
    Love and hugs,
    Linda

    Your right
    Hello Linda,thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.Don't worry about talking religion,I am a believer.Your right,there is NO place I would have rather been than with her when she passed but the memories of her last 7 hours that I am carrying around with me are so painful.She did not believe she was going to die,I tried to talk to her but I couldn't get through to her so I let it go.Now I wish I could have been stronger,maybe she would have been more accepting and wouldn't have had such a traumatizing passing.I have 3 sisters and a brother,but it was just me and my little sister who went through everything with Mom,the other ones didn't even help with the funeral,in fact we had to guilt them into coming a few days before she died,and they left the morning of the day she died knowing it was not going to be much longer,and Mom did ask where they were after they left,I felt so bad for her.I have not spoken to any of them since the funeral,partly because I am angry and partly because I wanted to see if they would make an effort to see if we are ok but they have not called.I suspected that when Mom died our family would fall apart,she is what kept us all together.My Dad left when I was 7 and has really played no role in our lives,but he is the one I am most angry with.He and my Mom had a good relationship after they divorced,they were friends,she never said one bad thing about him, ever.For him to not come and support his children devastated me,I have not spoken to him since Moms passing either.I just feel like there is too much anger there that may come out if I call,ether that or I will just be a blubbering mess and won't be able to talk at all.I guess my thinking is, if I can't say anything nice then maybe I shouldn't say anything at all.I pray you are right about Mom being at peace,but because I can't feel her I wonder if she made it to the other side,or is she wandering because she was not prepared to die,I wish I knew for sure.I am sorry your mother(and you) are going through this and I will pray for her recovery.It makes me sad that you have to deal with this alone,no one should have to do that,if it wasn't for my little sister I would have lost it a long time ago.So if you like I will be your adopted sister and you can talk to me anytime of the day or night.I don't understand it but I feel a connection to you,maybe you are the angel who will help me to get through this,or maybe you just have the kind of spirit people are attracted to,either way I am grateful for your kind words and encouragement.By the way I should tell you my name is actually Shelley,Gerry was my moms name.I am sending love your way and will pray all good things come to you.BIG HUG
    Shelley
  • gerrys girl
    gerrys girl Member Posts: 11
    zinniemay said:

    So sorry
    I saw you post today and wanted to cry today , three years ago my mother died. We were not perfect and had our moments. But She was always there if I needed her . I remeber coming home and thinking oh I need to call mom. Three years and I still at times think Oh I need to ask or tell her something. So I know it is not easy.
    The day will come and memories will feel your heart , a smell , a thought some little something that your mom did or taught you you will remember and it will brang a smile . And the tears.
    I wish you peace.
    Jennie

    thanks
    Thanks for the support Jennie,I pray you are right,I look forward to the day I can think about her and not cry.I guess it doesn't matter what kind of a relationship you have with your mother,when she's gone it still hurts just as bad.Again thank you for taking the time to respond to my post,it's really comforting to know there are people who understand.I am sending love your way and will pray for all good things to come to you.BIG HUG
    Shelley
  • gerrys girl
    gerrys girl Member Posts: 11
    Barbara53 said:

    visualization technique
    I took care of my father during his last days and had the same awful visions burned in my brain. A few weeks afterward I would hit periods when I could not stop crying. Desperate, I went for some grief counseling, which helped immensely. The best technique the counselor taught me had to do with taking control of those terrible mental pictures. He had me collect a few favorite photos of my father from happier times, and memorize them. Then, when the bad images came to mind, I learned to click forward to a picture that was comforting and good. This really works, and I hope you will try it.

    I was my father's baby girl. It will take time, but you will eventually come to terms with this loss and go on, the way your mother would want you to do.

    Hello Barb,thank you for
    Hello Barb,thank you for responding to my post,i makes me feel, not so alone.You may be right about the counselling cause at his point it is when I see a picture of her that all the bad memories come flooding back.I watched the video my cousin made for her funeral for the first time today(couldn't watch it at the funeral,too painful)and I totally lost it.This is so hard,I WANT to be able to look at pictures of her,without losing it.I WANT to feel her around me,and know that she is at peace.I just don't know how.Thanks again for the support,and the advice,I am sending love your way and will pray for all good things to come to you
    BIG HUG
    Shelley
  • augigi
    augigi Member Posts: 89

    I can't feel her
    hello Sherri,thanks so much for your words of wisdom.I know you are right about letting go of the anger,it is only hurting me, but I think it will take some time to get over the abandonment I feel for not just me, but for my mother,no one seemed to be able to take the time for her.It broke my heart when she asked where everyone was.I have heard others say they can feel their loved ones around them but I don't and I desperately want to.I have even gone so far as to look for a medium,that sounds crazy doesn't it?It's a good thing I live in a small rural community in Saskatchewan,no mediums here, I would surely just be wasting my money,or would I?I dont know,I'm such a mess.I am happy that you can remember your Mom and feel at peace and I pray that day will come for me too.Thanks again,I am sending love your way and will pray fr all good things to come to you.

    Gerrys girl, I feel similar
    Gerrys girl, I feel similar to you. My mum died on July 12th and I still can't fathom that it's true. I was with her, holding her hand when she died. I still feel like I failed her in that we took her in to the hospice and I couldn't keep her at home; I am a nurse and I feel like I should have kept her at home to die. But she got confused and wouldn't take meds and I just found it so traumatic to see her confused and acting like that, I couldn't have handled it for the 4 days until she died. I am very lucky in that the last thing mum said was "I love you too" when I was sitting bedside and told her I loved her. She became unconscious shortly afterwards and I am so blessed to have heard that one more time.

    I honestly feel like I have noone in the world now. My father and I aren't close, and my siblings are on the other side of the world. My mum was always on my side and was my greatest supporter. It's lonely without her. I miss her so much, and it's almost every day that I think "oh I must tell mum this" or "I must call mum".. then I remember that I can't. Ever again. It just seems impossible that I have to never see her again, and so unfair.
  • Jasmine092910
    Jasmine092910 Member Posts: 4
    You just explained my life
    I was also in the room when my mom took her last breath on Aug. 29th. That day is like a bad movie clip that plays over and over in my head every day all day long. She was my life. I feel empty, angry, lonely, sad, scared, and like life has no hope anymore. I feel like I was lied to all my life that God is good because if he was good he wouldn't have taken my Mom, the one person that I can't live without. I am with you, I don't know what to do. I just want my Mom back. I would give anything!!!!! So sorry that someone else feels the pain that I feel. I wish there was a pill that could take this pain away!!!!!!!!
  • 3Mana
    3Mana Member Posts: 811

    You just explained my life
    I was also in the room when my mom took her last breath on Aug. 29th. That day is like a bad movie clip that plays over and over in my head every day all day long. She was my life. I feel empty, angry, lonely, sad, scared, and like life has no hope anymore. I feel like I was lied to all my life that God is good because if he was good he wouldn't have taken my Mom, the one person that I can't live without. I am with you, I don't know what to do. I just want my Mom back. I would give anything!!!!! So sorry that someone else feels the pain that I feel. I wish there was a pill that could take this pain away!!!!!!!!

    God never listened to my prayers
    Jasmine,
    My mom died Dec. 17, 1989 and I still miss her every day. I prayed so hard to God to please make her better, but he didn't listen. My dad died Dec. 28, 1990 and I prayed again but it didn't help. And now this past January my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer. Again I prayed so hard every day, but again I wasn't heard. He passed away in March. Ever since then I just feel like I've lost my faith altogether. I was raised catholic, but can't even go to church anymore. If you find that pill to take the pain away, let me know. I feel like my heart has broken in two.
    I am seeing a counselor since April and feel that it's helped me alot. Also on meds, and she wants to keep me on till spring. I'm actually afraid to go off, cause I wonder if I'll be able to handle life without it.
    Talking to each other and the other people on this site helps alot. So please keep posting when you feel you need to talk to someone. "Carole"
  • gerrys girl
    gerrys girl Member Posts: 11
    augigi said:

    Gerrys girl, I feel similar
    Gerrys girl, I feel similar to you. My mum died on July 12th and I still can't fathom that it's true. I was with her, holding her hand when she died. I still feel like I failed her in that we took her in to the hospice and I couldn't keep her at home; I am a nurse and I feel like I should have kept her at home to die. But she got confused and wouldn't take meds and I just found it so traumatic to see her confused and acting like that, I couldn't have handled it for the 4 days until she died. I am very lucky in that the last thing mum said was "I love you too" when I was sitting bedside and told her I loved her. She became unconscious shortly afterwards and I am so blessed to have heard that one more time.

    I honestly feel like I have noone in the world now. My father and I aren't close, and my siblings are on the other side of the world. My mum was always on my side and was my greatest supporter. It's lonely without her. I miss her so much, and it's almost every day that I think "oh I must tell mum this" or "I must call mum".. then I remember that I can't. Ever again. It just seems impossible that I have to never see her again, and so unfair.

    It is unfair
    I am sorry you are feeling so alone,I know what it's like to feel like you have no one you can count on to love you unconditionaly.Not sure what the story is about why you are not close with your dad,but I know what that feels like too, and it hurts terribly.I too have caught myself thinking,"mom will know the answer to this" and then reality sets in and I remember I will Never be abe to talk to her again,at least not in this life.It seems so unfair that out of two parents, the one who sacrficed everything,all their dreams,and goals,to raise their children, is the one who dies first and suffers greatly,I don't get it.
    I want you to know that you are not alone,I'm here for you anytime if you need to talk.
    Dealing with something this life changing should not be done alone,and talking to people who
    really understand what your going through does make it a little easier.
  • gerrys girl
    gerrys girl Member Posts: 11

    You just explained my life
    I was also in the room when my mom took her last breath on Aug. 29th. That day is like a bad movie clip that plays over and over in my head every day all day long. She was my life. I feel empty, angry, lonely, sad, scared, and like life has no hope anymore. I feel like I was lied to all my life that God is good because if he was good he wouldn't have taken my Mom, the one person that I can't live without. I am with you, I don't know what to do. I just want my Mom back. I would give anything!!!!! So sorry that someone else feels the pain that I feel. I wish there was a pill that could take this pain away!!!!!!!!

    It's hard to forget
    I totally understand the "bad movie clips",as hard as I try those visions are permanently ingrained in my mind.I hope you weren't alone when your Mom passed,and I hope you have family there to support you now.I can honestly say the one thing I never questioned was WHY God was taking her,I guess because my faith tells me that God truly loves us all,and whatever he does is always for the good of the spirit.Don't get me wrong I did question why she had to suffer so much,and I was angry at God for putting her through this but some things happened that made me realize he WAS there for me.The day before my Mom died we went to the funeral home and the minute I walked in there I lost it,so I went into the chapel to compose myself and to talk to God.I cried out and said "God,I can't do this,I can't lose her,I feel so alone, please help me,please let me feel your arms around me".All of a sudden I felt a tingling on my shoulders,and then I heard a voice in my head say "Yea though you walk through the valley of death,fear no evil, for I am with you".Not only did that bring me comfort but it gave me the strength to do what I needed to for Mom.So althouth we don't understand,he is there for us.
  • hope0310
    hope0310 Member Posts: 320

    It's hard to forget
    I totally understand the "bad movie clips",as hard as I try those visions are permanently ingrained in my mind.I hope you weren't alone when your Mom passed,and I hope you have family there to support you now.I can honestly say the one thing I never questioned was WHY God was taking her,I guess because my faith tells me that God truly loves us all,and whatever he does is always for the good of the spirit.Don't get me wrong I did question why she had to suffer so much,and I was angry at God for putting her through this but some things happened that made me realize he WAS there for me.The day before my Mom died we went to the funeral home and the minute I walked in there I lost it,so I went into the chapel to compose myself and to talk to God.I cried out and said "God,I can't do this,I can't lose her,I feel so alone, please help me,please let me feel your arms around me".All of a sudden I felt a tingling on my shoulders,and then I heard a voice in my head say "Yea though you walk through the valley of death,fear no evil, for I am with you".Not only did that bring me comfort but it gave me the strength to do what I needed to for Mom.So althouth we don't understand,he is there for us.

    Same boat....
    Gerrys girl, I can feel your pain and relate to it so much, I too am 47, I lost my mom, my best friend, my rock on Sept 23rd. I was there holding her hand when she took her last breath. For the 7 weeks she was at home on hospice, I was there. My brother and stepfather was as well. Mom was never in any kind of pain, so I am actually very thankful to have had those weeks to spend with her.

    The next few weeks will be even harder with the holidays.

    I am forever changed, like you, like all of us who have lost.

    Be good to yourself...

    Elysia
    (the pic is of my mom . . .a young 66 yr old)
  • Couchie
    Couchie Member Posts: 24
    I can relate... kind of
    My wife had a near death experience not long after she was first diagnosed. They had to pull a surgeon out of the operating room to perform an emergency surgery on her and the doctors told us she probably wouldn't make it through the night and suggested that all her family come to see her that night. I still have a very graphic picture of what she looked like when she got out of surgery. They still hadn't cleaned the blood off of her, her body was incredibly swollen, she had all kinds of tubes hooked up to her. It haunted me for a very long time. It's not something I'll ever forget, but over time it got less and less prominent in my thoughts. It took a long time before I could think about it and not cry. But slowly, I mentally recovered from it. I'm really sorry to hear about your loss, I hope you also somehow find a way to heal from your experience... eventually.
  • augigi
    augigi Member Posts: 89
    Couchie said:

    I can relate... kind of
    My wife had a near death experience not long after she was first diagnosed. They had to pull a surgeon out of the operating room to perform an emergency surgery on her and the doctors told us she probably wouldn't make it through the night and suggested that all her family come to see her that night. I still have a very graphic picture of what she looked like when she got out of surgery. They still hadn't cleaned the blood off of her, her body was incredibly swollen, she had all kinds of tubes hooked up to her. It haunted me for a very long time. It's not something I'll ever forget, but over time it got less and less prominent in my thoughts. It took a long time before I could think about it and not cry. But slowly, I mentally recovered from it. I'm really sorry to hear about your loss, I hope you also somehow find a way to heal from your experience... eventually.

    Hope, your mother was
    Hope, your mother was beautiful.

    Gerry's girl, thanks for your reply. It helps to know there are others going through the same thing. It must have been so comforting to have your experience in the chapel. I do feel that we each have a plan, and although I don't understand why my mom was taken away from me, I know she was ready after her illness and decline. I am glad that she is out of pain and peaceful. There isn't any story about my father, I just was always a momma's girl, and he worked a lot and wasn't there a lot of the time.

    The thing I am still having trouble with is that I remember each time I was snappy and nasty with her during the months I was caring for her. It was so stressful, and I was angry that I was going to lose her, and sometimes I took it out on her. Now that she is gone, I just feel like a terrible person for being mean to my dying mother. I don't know what was wrong with me. The anger is gone and all I have is this regret that I didn't take advantage of our time together more.

    I'll never know now how old I was when I got my teeth, or when I walked or spoke - these things were all lost with my mom.

    I just miss her, all the time - even though I lived a world away I always felt she was with me.