new mom
my mom died of breast cancer (which had metastacised into her brain and bones) in march of this year. She had cancer for just 13 months. She was my everything. Four days before she died my perfect son was born and they spent a lovely afternoon together when he was one day old.
My husband is from usa so we moved here to raise our son. We are living with my husbands mom. She is a really lovely lady and i feel horrible admitting this but (I have to own it to work throught) i feel so ripped off that my mom doesnt get to experience all the milestones, smiles, cuddles that I try to keep my baby close to me so my mother in law cant fully enjoy him.
I know its awful. My mom was the most amazing mom and held on so strong to meet her grandson and I just hate that they wont get to hang out.
I know its not my mother in laws fault that my mom died but I know I am punnishing her and I hate it.
Help
Comments
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Don't feel bad I think its
Don't feel bad I think its normal! Im so sorry for your loss. I battle the same with my 9 yr old and her Dad's family, I want to keep her all to myself, selfish maybe but I really dont care! I have stage IV breast cancer with bone mets and mets to my spinal fluid and the fluid around my brain not in my brain!!! I was diagnosed in March 09 so coming on my 2nd year. I want to be here and am fighting my best to beat this so I can see all her milestones!!!
I truly am sorry for your loss! ♥ Libby0 -
i cant even begin to imaginepinkflutterby said:Don't feel bad I think its
Don't feel bad I think its normal! Im so sorry for your loss. I battle the same with my 9 yr old and her Dad's family, I want to keep her all to myself, selfish maybe but I really dont care! I have stage IV breast cancer with bone mets and mets to my spinal fluid and the fluid around my brain not in my brain!!! I was diagnosed in March 09 so coming on my 2nd year. I want to be here and am fighting my best to beat this so I can see all her milestones!!!
I truly am sorry for your loss! ♥ Libby
I cant even begin to imagine how you must feel. I can totally understand just wanting to keep your daughter to yourself. You are so strong. Is your daughters father supportive and understanding? I hope he backs you up. Is your cancer cureable or just manageable? It must be so hard caring for your daughter when you feel really junky and need to take care of yourself. I cared for my mom in her last three months which was the last three month of my pregnancy. It was hard. I moved countries and had to be away from my husband so really had no one to help me or lean on when I was overwhelmed with everything. I was a whale and was heavily pregnant at the heat of summer but made the 30 min walk to my aunties where she was staying everyday because she was my mom and I needed to know she felt cared for. The bond between mother and daughter is unbreakeable!
x Nicky0 -
Hi Nicky, I'm so sorry for your loss.gummy bear said:i cant even begin to imagine
I cant even begin to imagine how you must feel. I can totally understand just wanting to keep your daughter to yourself. You are so strong. Is your daughters father supportive and understanding? I hope he backs you up. Is your cancer cureable or just manageable? It must be so hard caring for your daughter when you feel really junky and need to take care of yourself. I cared for my mom in her last three months which was the last three month of my pregnancy. It was hard. I moved countries and had to be away from my husband so really had no one to help me or lean on when I was overwhelmed with everything. I was a whale and was heavily pregnant at the heat of summer but made the 30 min walk to my aunties where she was staying everyday because she was my mom and I needed to know she felt cared for. The bond between mother and daughter is unbreakeable!
x Nicky
There is never a good time to lose your mom, but there are definitely worse times and this certainly is a worse time. I totally understand your grief and despair.
You have said your mother-in-law is a lovely person...that is wonderful. Did you know her before moving in with her? Is it possible to have a long talk with her and explain your feelings? She may very well understand and be very gracious and allow you space and time and time with your daugher with little interference.
Also, many new Mom's have a feeling of wanting to take care of the new baby by themselves anyway. It can be hard being a new Mom and having an "experienced" Mom living right in the same house. I know from experience, I separated from my first husband when my little guy was 4 mo old and I moved back home. I felt so inadequate in front of my Mom. My Mom and I had a great relationship and she sensed this and totally backed off and gave me so much alone time with him. But Nicky, as the day goes by and your little girl begins to grow and laugh out loud, pull herself up and all of the cute things theydo, you mite find yourself wanting to share these pure joys with others in the house. It is such fun. If and when that time comes, try and not feel guilty or disloyal to your own Mom. She got shortchanged all the way around and it's just not fair. But chances are she would want you, the baby and your husband to have all the joys in the world and she would not resent the other grandmother at all.
This is all so fresh and raw, no wonder you are having a difficult time. Talk with your husband and have him intervene if you don't feel you are able to just now. Let his mom know it's nothing she has done...and perhaps she already has guessed.
I hope you will not continue to beat yourself up and feel guilty. Just a little conversation mite really help everyone.
Hugs, Judy :-)0 -
sound adviceSkeezie said:Hi Nicky, I'm so sorry for your loss.
There is never a good time to lose your mom, but there are definitely worse times and this certainly is a worse time. I totally understand your grief and despair.
You have said your mother-in-law is a lovely person...that is wonderful. Did you know her before moving in with her? Is it possible to have a long talk with her and explain your feelings? She may very well understand and be very gracious and allow you space and time and time with your daugher with little interference.
Also, many new Mom's have a feeling of wanting to take care of the new baby by themselves anyway. It can be hard being a new Mom and having an "experienced" Mom living right in the same house. I know from experience, I separated from my first husband when my little guy was 4 mo old and I moved back home. I felt so inadequate in front of my Mom. My Mom and I had a great relationship and she sensed this and totally backed off and gave me so much alone time with him. But Nicky, as the day goes by and your little girl begins to grow and laugh out loud, pull herself up and all of the cute things theydo, you mite find yourself wanting to share these pure joys with others in the house. It is such fun. If and when that time comes, try and not feel guilty or disloyal to your own Mom. She got shortchanged all the way around and it's just not fair. But chances are she would want you, the baby and your husband to have all the joys in the world and she would not resent the other grandmother at all.
This is all so fresh and raw, no wonder you are having a difficult time. Talk with your husband and have him intervene if you don't feel you are able to just now. Let his mom know it's nothing she has done...and perhaps she already has guessed.
I hope you will not continue to beat yourself up and feel guilty. Just a little conversation mite really help everyone.
Hugs, Judy :-)
Thank you Judy for your kind words. Yes I knew my mother in law well before moving in and she is very sympathetic to my situation and was very upset when my mom passed. I am slowly letting her have more time with him as I realised early on that there were excuses I was making to keep him to myself and my husband. I would not let her feed, babysit, put him to sleep but I let her give him breakfast this morning and didnt hover over her. It was hard.
Its so important to me she is a big part of my sons life as my husband has such fond memories of his grandma and I grew up without one.
I know my mom wouldnt want me to be selfish and keep him to myself. Just talking about it here has helped tremendously even in the few hours I have been a member. I guess I dont really have many people to talk with being that im new to the country and have not made friends yet. I have one sister but she lives in a different timezone and works alot so talking to her is difficult.
I really appreciate you taking the time to comfort me, I feel less alone.
xNicky0 -
First, let me apologize for calling your sweet littlegummy bear said:sound advice
Thank you Judy for your kind words. Yes I knew my mother in law well before moving in and she is very sympathetic to my situation and was very upset when my mom passed. I am slowly letting her have more time with him as I realised early on that there were excuses I was making to keep him to myself and my husband. I would not let her feed, babysit, put him to sleep but I let her give him breakfast this morning and didnt hover over her. It was hard.
Its so important to me she is a big part of my sons life as my husband has such fond memories of his grandma and I grew up without one.
I know my mom wouldnt want me to be selfish and keep him to myself. Just talking about it here has helped tremendously even in the few hours I have been a member. I guess I dont really have many people to talk with being that im new to the country and have not made friends yet. I have one sister but she lives in a different timezone and works alot so talking to her is difficult.
I really appreciate you taking the time to comfort me, I feel less alone.
xNicky
guy a she!
Please don't thnk of yourself as being selfish. Your actions are those of a greving daughter and brand new mom yourself. Your mother-in-law sounds like a wonderful woman.
What country are you from? When you're feeling stronger emotionally, (and physically, grief and stress are very hard on our bodies as well) there are all kinds of classes for mother and baby where you mite be able to meet some other new moms. There may even be discussion boards for new mom's where you can discuss the babies etc. This doesn't take the place of real, live friends, but it could be a good "fill in" in the meantime.
I'm glad you found us because we can offer something a new mom possibly couldn't. Maybe you and your sister can both get webcam's and skype each other, just being able to see each other and talk in person will be a big help. She can also she her nephews progress as well!
Visit us often.
Hugs, Judy :-)0 -
Wow
You have a lot to adjust to. Your Mom died, you had a baby, you moved...not just to a new house, but a new country...and you are living with your Mother-in-law. That is a lot to get used to. I am glad to hear that you and Mother-in-law get along. I grew up far away from my grandparents, and I wish I had been able to be more involved with them. Your feelings are normal and understandable. I agree that talking to your husband and Mother-in-law about your feelings should help. The great thing about love is that it is not finite. We can learn to love someone new without diminishing the love we share with those we already know. It may sound crazy, but I imagine the relationships in your son's life growing in the future like an invisible web. The first relationships are few and strong. As he matures more strands are woven into the web, but they are all made with thinner strands and they are all further apart, and they all remain grounded in those at the center.
I hope this is somewhat helpful, seof0 -
Her dad is some whatgummy bear said:i cant even begin to imagine
I cant even begin to imagine how you must feel. I can totally understand just wanting to keep your daughter to yourself. You are so strong. Is your daughters father supportive and understanding? I hope he backs you up. Is your cancer cureable or just manageable? It must be so hard caring for your daughter when you feel really junky and need to take care of yourself. I cared for my mom in her last three months which was the last three month of my pregnancy. It was hard. I moved countries and had to be away from my husband so really had no one to help me or lean on when I was overwhelmed with everything. I was a whale and was heavily pregnant at the heat of summer but made the 30 min walk to my aunties where she was staying everyday because she was my mom and I needed to know she felt cared for. The bond between mother and daughter is unbreakeable!
x Nicky
Her dad is some what understanding he lives about 200 miles away, his choice! He comes down and rents a hotel for them to stay in so they are close. Poor baby doesnt want to go too far from home. I feel so bad for her and the extra pressure my illness puts on her. She sleeps in my room (in her own bed) and sometimes wakes up and just says "Mommy are you ok" so of course I cry because I know she is so worried. I am not curable, just manageable. You are so true about the bond of a mother and her daughter. I just worry about who will be here for her when Im not (in 65 yrs
I want to be her role model and I want to be the womanly influance in her life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is hard caring for my daughter but I want to so bad and I hate having to depend on other people to do it for me. I still do alot for her, except cooking, cleaning, bathing her laundry and that kind of stuff. And I absolutly HATE someone else to punish her.
Sounds like your coming along with your mother in law. I know it has to be hard and my thoughts will be with you.0 -
skype has been a big part ofSkeezie said:First, let me apologize for calling your sweet little
guy a she!
Please don't thnk of yourself as being selfish. Your actions are those of a greving daughter and brand new mom yourself. Your mother-in-law sounds like a wonderful woman.
What country are you from? When you're feeling stronger emotionally, (and physically, grief and stress are very hard on our bodies as well) there are all kinds of classes for mother and baby where you mite be able to meet some other new moms. There may even be discussion boards for new mom's where you can discuss the babies etc. This doesn't take the place of real, live friends, but it could be a good "fill in" in the meantime.
I'm glad you found us because we can offer something a new mom possibly couldn't. Maybe you and your sister can both get webcam's and skype each other, just being able to see each other and talk in person will be a big help. She can also she her nephews progress as well!
Visit us often.
Hugs, Judy :-)
skype has been a big part of my life since i can remember, i have friends and family all over the world so to be able to see them and have them watch my son grow to recognise their voices. I live in Hawaii and a few of my husbands friends have new babies, one who is only 4 days younger than my son so i guess i have to be proactive in setting up play dates! I would love to join a mothers group as back in Australia/New Zealand i had much fun in these groups.
I do appreciate everyone on this board being soooo lovely and caring. I am feeling lots less guilt ridden and am handing over my precious bundle a little more. x0 -
Don't feel bad
You lost your mother so recently; that's a very fresh wound for you to deal with. Hang onto the fact that not only did she get to spend one of his first days with him, but she sees him every day. Her spirit is with you and with him, always.
I'm also sure your mother in law understands how new your loss is and that in time you'll feel better about sharing your son with her. If you can, talk to her about it or to your husband. As the hurt diminishes, and it will in time, you'll feel better about sharing your son with your mother in law.
Please take care and don't be hard on yourself.
marge0 -
I really feel for you. Mypinkflutterby said:Her dad is some what
Her dad is some what understanding he lives about 200 miles away, his choice! He comes down and rents a hotel for them to stay in so they are close. Poor baby doesnt want to go too far from home. I feel so bad for her and the extra pressure my illness puts on her. She sleeps in my room (in her own bed) and sometimes wakes up and just says "Mommy are you ok" so of course I cry because I know she is so worried. I am not curable, just manageable. You are so true about the bond of a mother and her daughter. I just worry about who will be here for her when Im not (in 65 yrs I want to be her role model and I want to be the womanly influance in her life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is hard caring for my daughter but I want to so bad and I hate having to depend on other people to do it for me. I still do alot for her, except cooking, cleaning, bathing her laundry and that kind of stuff. And I absolutly HATE someone else to punish her.
Sounds like your coming along with your mother in law. I know it has to be hard and my thoughts will be with you.
I really feel for you. My mother really struggled with the need to proctect us and often would not let my sister and I know how sick she truely was even though we are 27 and 26! It only really became apparent as I began caring for her and even then she really tried to keep a lot inside. I totally get the strong desire for not wanting others to step in. I guess I am alot like that and try to do as much as I can myself. You ARE the best kind of role model for your daughter, you are staying strong for her! she will see that and know your love for her knows no bounds. Its hard as a daughter to see a mommy sick but I learnt so much through my moms illness and feel like i really learnt to appreciate the small things! Such an important lesson that helps me see the good when everything looks so dismal. My mom sat all my aunties down when she got really sick and made them swear to look after my sister and i, even though we are grown, married (sister engaged) and have lived on our own since adulthood! She just needed the peace of mind i guess.
Being a mommy is just the best gift! *tear*0 -
Don't Worry - Mom is Watching
Hi Gummy Bear:
I know it must be terrible to lose your Mom. I'm losing my sister so I can imagine your hurt is 100 times worse. Please know that your Mom is not missing anything. She is looking down from heaven and seeing it all. She's your special guardian angel now and your son's. Talk to her often. She'll hear you, guide you and protect you.
HUGS
Skipper0 -
Cheated
You feel cheated because you were cheated. My mother died of cancer 13 years ago (lung cancer even though she wasn't a smoker)when my daughter was about to turn three, and one month before my son was born. Everyone kept coming up to me and my wife at the funeral saying how my mother wanted to make it till the baby was born. It was brutal. And I feel cheated all the time that my mother isn't here to see my children grow and that they will never know what a wonderful loving woman she was.
That being said, you need to let your mother-in-law in emotionally. You are not punishing her, but instead you are punishing your son. He was cheated out of one loving grandmother, please don't deprive him of the other.
Talk to your mother-in-law and tell her how you feel. She may be more sympathetic than think, and it could bring you two closer.
Keep us posted.
Hugs
Bob0 -
thanks marge and skipper, iskipper85 said:Don't Worry - Mom is Watching
Hi Gummy Bear:
I know it must be terrible to lose your Mom. I'm losing my sister so I can imagine your hurt is 100 times worse. Please know that your Mom is not missing anything. She is looking down from heaven and seeing it all. She's your special guardian angel now and your son's. Talk to her often. She'll hear you, guide you and protect you.
HUGS
Skipper
thanks marge and skipper, i often try to imagine her looking down at us and so i try as hard as i can to make her proud of the mother i am. I will try to talk to her often and talk more to Mahlin (my son) about his awesome nanna bear. x0 -
thank you bob for sharingHubby said:Cheated
You feel cheated because you were cheated. My mother died of cancer 13 years ago (lung cancer even though she wasn't a smoker)when my daughter was about to turn three, and one month before my son was born. Everyone kept coming up to me and my wife at the funeral saying how my mother wanted to make it till the baby was born. It was brutal. And I feel cheated all the time that my mother isn't here to see my children grow and that they will never know what a wonderful loving woman she was.
That being said, you need to let your mother-in-law in emotionally. You are not punishing her, but instead you are punishing your son. He was cheated out of one loving grandmother, please don't deprive him of the other.
Talk to your mother-in-law and tell her how you feel. She may be more sympathetic than think, and it could bring you two closer.
Keep us posted.
Hugs
Bob
thank you bob for sharing this with me, i desperately do not want him to miss out on his surviving grandma and all of the fun they could be having - breakthrough tonight - i let her try to put him to sleep, this is the one thing i have tried to really hold on to as my own. His daddy ended up putting him to sleep in the end, but i let go of the reigns for a little....0 -
It gets bettergummy bear said:thank you bob for sharing
thank you bob for sharing this with me, i desperately do not want him to miss out on his surviving grandma and all of the fun they could be having - breakthrough tonight - i let her try to put him to sleep, this is the one thing i have tried to really hold on to as my own. His daddy ended up putting him to sleep in the end, but i let go of the reigns for a little....
It does get better. The pain of the loss slowly fades; never totally goes away, but it does fade. And the good memories stay and grow.
I see little pieces of my mother in my son all the time.
It's rough, but keep working through it
Bob0 -
I am very sorry for yourHubby said:It gets better
It does get better. The pain of the loss slowly fades; never totally goes away, but it does fade. And the good memories stay and grow.
I see little pieces of my mother in my son all the time.
It's rough, but keep working through it
Bob
I am very sorry for your loss. My wife also has breast cancer, diagnosed last year, that has spread to her brain. I am worried about all the statistics I have read about this. Can I ask how long your mother lived after the brain metastasis was discovered? Again, I am truly sorry.
John0 -
Gummy Bear .. being a new mom and all, I am sure you don'tHubby said:It gets better
It does get better. The pain of the loss slowly fades; never totally goes away, but it does fade. And the good memories stay and grow.
I see little pieces of my mother in my son all the time.
It's rough, but keep working through it
Bob
have a lot of time - so maybe you can start journal - with photo's of your Mom for your son ..
today you laughed, I saw my mother's smile on your face 10/5/10 .. picture of mom, start a memory book for the two of you - and future children.
today you fell off your bike, grandma would of told me to let you fall, dust yourself off and allow you to develope by not running to grab you ..
Just me .. something that I would do .. generation connection - My mom, my past, her love for life, and my children.
Srength and Courage:
Vicki Sam0 -
thanks vickisam what a greatVickiSam said:Gummy Bear .. being a new mom and all, I am sure you don't
have a lot of time - so maybe you can start journal - with photo's of your Mom for your son ..
today you laughed, I saw my mother's smile on your face 10/5/10 .. picture of mom, start a memory book for the two of you - and future children.
today you fell off your bike, grandma would of told me to let you fall, dust yourself off and allow you to develope by not running to grab you ..
Just me .. something that I would do .. generation connection - My mom, my past, her love for life, and my children.
Srength and Courage:
Vicki Sam
thanks vickisam what a great idea. We have a tonne of pics of the two of them together and a long video of the day they spent together, i watch it often sometimes with tears sometimes little giggles. I think writing things down would help lots with my healing and also have something for Mahlin to think of his nanna bear. I will start one asap. thanks all of you for being so amazing to me when you all have your own struggles and saddness. I feel so much less alone now and not quite so crazy 0 -
hi john, so sorry to hearJohn_32 said:I am very sorry for your
I am very sorry for your loss. My wife also has breast cancer, diagnosed last year, that has spread to her brain. I am worried about all the statistics I have read about this. Can I ask how long your mother lived after the brain metastasis was discovered? Again, I am truly sorry.
John
hi john, so sorry to hear about your wifes diagnosis, my mom was diagnosed with the brain mets in november and passed in march, however we are all pretty sure they had been there much longer as noone bothered to do a full body scan at the diagnosis of her breast cancer. She was found with 20 something tumours on diagnosis so i think this was a rare case with lots of medical mishaps. I know a friend of a friend who has been living with brain mets for years. Stay positive for her 0
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