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zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

Sometimes I think I need glue to put all the pieces together. Seams so many parts to our life is falling apart, dreams of things we plan to do .Silly things come to mind like a bottle of glue that will cement anything together. I wonder does it work? I hear people say , They are tired of people walking up to them and saying how are you , when they know you have cancer. My husband, when the doctor walked into the room ask "how are you doing"? my husband looked at him and did not blink just said "I'm dyeing " You could have knock the doctor over he did not know what to say. I thought good answer honey! Let him think about it for a moment. Then I thought I have always hated it when some one ask me "How did you loss your leg" like I was a stupid person can't even hang on to my own legs. So I think I know the dumb questions people ask I have heard them all or I thought but since Greg has cancer I can confirm I have now heard it all . The excuses as why they don't come over , the why you were invited and on and on. I need Glue to piece this together I am sure there would be a good quilt in it. A Quilt use to tell a story but many people have forgotten that. They would use things like old shirt, dress , flour sacks and piece by piece make a quilt. Kind of like the stories on here we all share one thing in common we have had, have or have someone who has cancer. So many types so many broken pieces so many hearts broke and breaking. I think I need some glue just to piece us together. We come from all kinds of back grounds some upper and some lower class , or should I say richer and poorer. Some very educated and some not so much. Strange how one thing could brang us together one nasty word Cancer.
The glue that binds us will hold us together , piece by piece day by day we are each our own person yet connected in so many ways .Sometimes So alone but surround by so many people.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1849
Joined: Aug 2010

Did you know you are a poet, Zinniemay?

You have used your words to put together the many pieces of the quilt we are all living right here on this website.

Thank you. It feels good to be part of a quilt.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

You are so right, we have so many friends on here even though we've never met. But we all are or have been in the same situation of either having cancer or going through it with a loved one, or having lost our husbands. We all understand but so many people if they've never had to deal with this don't know how we feel. Be strong! "Carole"

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Exactly

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

Very nicely put. I think we humans tend to spend way to much time thinking about how we are different instead of how much we are alike. Here on these boards we tend to look past the differences and share our common lot. Fay

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

Today is a bad day, The doctor called just said the tumnors did not shrink but did not grow. So I think I need my quilt to keep me warm. Make this empty fear go away.The tears are flowing .

Noellesmom
Posts: 1849
Joined: Aug 2010

Zinnie! The tumors did not shrink but they did not grow! It means they are not gaining ground. And maybe they won't grow any more!

Gentle hugs to you because I know you wanted them to at least shrink and, if possible, to be gone. Me, too.

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

I am trying to stay positive but the tears keep coming. I know I have to think this is good news and that things will be ok. We were so hoping I guess all of us know . Thank you I can use all the hugs I can get.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1849
Joined: Aug 2010

You just need a little while to catch your breath, Zinniemay. Both of you do.

You will get there. I know you will.

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

I am trying to see the good that it did not grow. But you know some of the hard part is no ones knows the feeling running thru us the fear the emptiness the pain except the ones walking in our shoes.
Thank you so much , I really thank you

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

Actually, I guess I would consider this neutral news. Of course you were hoping that the tumors had shrunk. So any news short of that seems like bad news. On the roller coaster ride you are on right now instead of an up this seems like a down. It really isn't. Instead it is a steady as you go. It may mean that the doctors need to consider additional or alternate treatments. At the worst it means that you are buying time to consider possible changes in treatment. At the best it means that the cancer is controlled for now. Since we knew that my husband was just buying time we considered these times of no change as positive. You are in my prayers. Just get out that pot of glue and add this story to your quilt. And hey, I am a strong advocate of tears. Just like laughter,they help us cope. Fay

Noellesmom
Posts: 1849
Joined: Aug 2010

I agree, Fay. With our quilt, tears are like fabric softener.

Corny, but true :)

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

Thank you both for having my back guess you will be the linning of my quilt! The pieces so fragile . I think about the old quilt I have in my closest. My great aunt made it she died almost 70 years ago, it is called Jacobs ladder the triangle peices are half inch , two make the square in the middle is a square 2x2 inches. Around it is the little triangles, it was only a quilt top my mother did not have much money she took my blanket and made a padding and took old flour sacks to finish the quilt. She told me about the pieces , how some were my daddy's shirts and Granny's old dress, and people and friends whose clothes had worn out they would give my great aunt the pieces , So it took many people and allot of work but the quilt it beautful , old falling apart but still so much left .
I am a positive person and my husband he is not so what I see as good news he sees as bad. So it is a give and take thing.
Thank you for the help mentally I am falling apart trying to hold it together , Guess I better look for my glue!

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

ZinnieMay,
You have to think positive! If your tumors didn't grow, it's cause your treatment is helping, so don't be sad. I'm only a "caregiver", but can realize what you're going through. Even though my hubby didn't last long, we worried every time he had a scan. So take one day at a time & be happy each morning you wake up!!! We're all here for you. "Carole"

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

Zinniemay,

You are indeed a poet. My husband has melanoma stage 3c and he is teaching me to live one at a time. This has been a difficult journey for both of us but our glue is called "love". I will look for more of your messages...

Deb

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

Thank you all that read my post , I am not a writter or have a grasp of our lanuage when it comes to spelling, I was so bad at it and stuggle with simple words. So I find this hard but it is my way of venting.
I am the caregiver to my husband but he gives me more care than I can him. I know that we have lived a simple life, we dont drank and we don't go to Church to important outlets for manking friends. So We are alone in this world with our two adult children . We are trying to find out lets and trust me not easy.
Neither one of us have great health I am disabled from a birth defect and diabetes, So it is hard for us to reach out to people. So this is my out let. We did manage to go to a Gilda Club meeting tonight and we enjoyed it very much.
I thank you all so much for your thoughts prayers and wishes .
Jennie

Noellesmom
Posts: 1849
Joined: Aug 2010

Jennie,

I am so glad you went to the Gilda Club meeting - I understand they are wonderful.

I'm also glad you have this place as an outlet - there are many good people here, aren't there?

I can feel how much you want your husband to survive this cancer and how worried you are about this not being the reality of your future.

You may or may not think so, but you are a strong person with a talent for self-expression and sharing. Your words are a gift.

As to church: you have mentioned this several times in your posts. Please try to find one in your area and attend a service. They can be wonderful support for you during trying times. I am not promoting any particular denomination but the United Methodist Church has something called the Stephen Ministry, in which specially trained church members go to the people in the community when there is illness and do what they can to help. I'm sure other denominations have much the same groups if you ask.

Please know you are in my prayers and thoughts.

Hugs.

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

I come from a God of God the old ones where woman's hair was long and her dresses longer, my husband come from Catholic back round. I find the Catholic Church easier. But not one in our town. There is a Methodist Church in town , We know all the people that attend . When Greg first got cancer I told a lady . It is now all over town but not one of these poeple have called or stopped by.Many of the people we knew for 20-30 years their children when to school with ours. We stopped one day at a "Sale: and the ladies we knew, Greg said to one You know I have cancer she said they talk or pray at Church for you .
My husband and I are not out going , we use to try , we helped built a palace in the park for children knowing ours was to old to play there, we worked their Christams things at school to raise money. We did 4-h for 6 years as leaders. The Band boosters we ran the Football stand for the school. Everyone pretty much knows us. But we did not make friends. So there is our problem ! In small towns it is harder that citys. They know the rich for the poor they ones you need to be around to gain Our neighbos know but not one have stopped over we have known the for 31 years. We are just different .Those things never change.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1849
Joined: Aug 2010

I think sometimes churches hold back in communicating with people who don't go to service because they think that if you wanted contact, you would come to church looking for it. They may be trying to respect your privacy. Sometimes people do that too much, even in churches. Churches get weary of being told they are pushy.

Please try again. Go to a service and just absorb what goes on there, even if no one speaks to you. Let the hymns and prayers fill up any empty places you may have. I would hope someone would speak to you and make you feel welcome - at our church you would probably think we were trying to adopt you! There is usually at least one person in a church who wants to reach out.

It sounds as though you and Greg have been supporters of the community. I want to believe there is a way your community can support the two of you during this difficult time.

As for your neighbors: shame on them, Jennie. I know you would reach out to them if they needed you. And, you know what? They really do need you right now, with your generosity and giving spirit - they just don't know it.

Maybe you and Greg should bake a loaf of bread and take it to them - might soften their spirits and give them an opening to be there for you.

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

I personally think it is Greg and I we do not really know how to relate to people. I don't really blame them . I just don't understand people. We are a odd couple .We just are not very good in social things. If it is work we know how to do that. Trust me we do get calls for that. If someone needs something fixed . As friends we do that. So we assume they are friends but does not work that way. we end us feeling needed. So we just gave up.
I am sure you are right about the church but I would not feel comfortable there. I will figure out something.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1849
Joined: Aug 2010

Just hugs this time.

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Let us be friends, then. I can't hug your neck through the computer but I am sending loving thoughts and prayers your way. I can't bring you a coffee cake, but if you get one at the market for yourself, I'll have a cup of coffee at my side as I type. Cyber space isn't a great substitute for face to face contact, but it's better than nothing. I don't know about you, but I've felt more supported and connected by posting here than I did before I found out about CSN. I have local friends who offer to help, but we had to reschedule on of my husbands appointments this week because I couln't get out of work and no one else could drive him the 2 hours to the hospital. I don't feel dissapointed in them, well, wait a minute, maybe I do, a little...but at least I can talk to you about it and not feel completely isolated.
Penny

kimmygarland's picture
kimmygarland
Posts: 313
Joined: Aug 2009

Take a day or two to digest the news. Let the tears flow and express your thoughts, as you have been doing so eloquently, here.

I'm kind of in pieces myself today, so I understand. ((Hugs))

PattyNC's picture
PattyNC
Posts: 65
Joined: Oct 2006

Nothing can be more beautiful or more perfect that speaking right from that place deep inside you. That's where I feel God's hand working behind the scenes. Thanks for sharing your pure & moving thoughts with all here (as well as your pain & confusion). Let's take a moment and all snuggle up and comfort one another --- & especially our sister-in-need ZinnieMay.

God bless & comfort & protect us all.

PattyNC's picture
PattyNC
Posts: 65
Joined: Oct 2006

Kimmie sorry you too are having it rough & feeling in pieces. Wish somebody would treat you to a soothing professional spa massage. I myself have never had one but I hear they work wonders at draining tension & anxieties & are very healing. Over the years, I have always planned to give it a try but haven't scheduled yet. It's on my to-do list though.

Meantime sending out cyber-spa to all caregivers. Let us emerce ourselves in swirling whirlpools of comforting mental H20 with beautiful music, lathering on our favorite soothing & relaxing perfumed oils, getting positive vibes, smells & sounds from all around us.

Patty

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

As I read your sweet notes I looked up , out the window (as we all say winder) I see the sun shining on a old pine tree heavy weighted by the pine cones. Why I write thiis ? This is how my mind wonders, Some times It thinks how beautiful life is when you share is the good times and the bad. Oops looked up agaun and a bird pooped on the tree! No just kidding so the tears will stop as I picture you reading this and think Oh God sounds like me. I wonder Why and then I wonder again Darn that hurts (had a flu shot today and the little silly pain is kicking) I think oh my what must he be going thru, Why can't I take his pain. Why can't I pull it together then my mind is off and running I oh boy I got Debbie cakes ! Oh what was I thinking as I wipe the tears away. Kind of funny whe you acturally say what your mind it thinking , I wonder why I can not focus. Thank you all for reading my post and helping me make it thru the day.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1849
Joined: Aug 2010

I wonder the same thing about myself, Jennie. I don't seem to be able to focus on work, on play, on anything for very long.

Guess it is just a toll of not enough sleep, too much worry, nights that are too long and days that are too short.

Sometimes I don't even remember driving myself to work, but, whoops! there I am!

ms.sunshine
Posts: 710
Joined: Mar 2010

Your husband has a best friend, it is YOU. He has the best care, and it comes from you.
Isn't it funny how the little things such as Debbie cake can make one happy. I remember after I went thru months of chemo and nothing tasted good when it was over I went to McDonalds. I was like a kid going thru the drive thru getting my Big Mac. Pure joy.

Doctors gotta love em. I never had alot of dealings with drs. until I was dx with cancer a year ago. Now I use to think drs. were so smart, after all there drs. right. I've realized they say the dumbest things.

We are here for you whenever you need to talk or vent.
Take care
Jennifer

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

Jennifer,
I know all to well about doctors will not go into it but I have had over 30 sugeries . My husband was nevr sick until caancer came to visit. He always so strong to me and he held me up all these years . It is funny the little silly things that make our day a smile from a stranger . Almost any one can make me smile. I am not a fan of the Big MAc ! I don't eat any condements! Wouldn't you know It I am the little old lady who goes to McD's and gets a plain burger in a Happy Meal! Love the toys!

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