Cancer is like.....

nyogus1
nyogus1 Member Posts: 30
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My husband was told the FANTASTIC news that he is in partial remission (Non Small Cell Lung Cancer, Stage 4). The Dr. is really pleased with the progress. He tolerated the chemo well. He is now on "maintenance" drugs. Then I asked "Where do we go from here?" The Dr. looked at my husband and said, "Remember I told you I can't cure you. The cancer will start to grow again. How long? I don't know. 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 2 years??

This reality put my husband into a mental state where he is unable to accept joy at remission. Instead he woke yesterday saying "Why do I have to die?" Then his last words before bed last night were "Cancer is like being on Death Row, when you haven't done anything wrong."

How do I respond to this?

Comments

  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #2
    Buying Time
    When my husband was dx with stage 4 colon cancer we received the same prognosis. We were told that his cancer was treatable but life shortening. We were elated when he was told after chemo that there was no longer any sign of cancer. Then several months later he had his first recurrence. Even though we knew to expect it, that first recurrence really hit us hard. After that we decided to consider treatment and those partial remissions as just buying time. We rejoiced when the treatments and surgery worked because it meant that we were buying more time. My husband wanted to buy as much time as possible to make memories with friends and family. When he felt well enough we did some traveling and spent time with those we love. He was able to buy sox years, much longer than anyone expected. During that time a new granddaughter was born, both of our sons moved up in their chosen professions, and we took our older granddaughters on three trips including one to Quebec and one to New Brunswick. We saw one granddaughter medal in a charity run. We put together a trip to Hawaii in a week after learning of his third recurrence.I can't even begin to tell you all the other memories our family has. Yeah, cancer sucks and it can be like a death sentence. I won't tell you it wasn't heart wrenching at times because it was. My husband had a very strong faith in God which was what sustained him. He didn't ask why him because he believed that God had a plan for him. And yes we cried together many times. God's plan was different than ours. We were supposed to grow old together. Yet, Doug chose to live while he was dying. He always said he was living with cancer, not dying from it. He tried to live it with courage and faith. I don't know that any thing I have said here helps, I just wanted you both to know that you are not alone.
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #3
    stand by your man
    My mother is now on maintenance chemo with no hope of cure, and it hit her hard that she would not get better. Then she kind of slipped back into soft denial, all the while doing things that show she is preparing for her transition. This is a slow and sadly beautiful process once the initial anger is given a chance to air out.

    I once read that dying people want and need reassurance that the people they love will be there for them, so they will not be alone, and that they will be kept as comfortable as possible. When the opportunity presents, I remind Mom that I and my siblings will be there for her every step of the way. The minister from her church began pastoral counseling with her yesterday, reminding her of the many promises her faith has in store for her.

    I understand your husband's feelings, to which he is way more than entitled, and you get your feelings too, which may be all over the place. Good luck with this day.
  • nyogus1
    nyogus1 Member Posts: 30
    #4
    grandmafay said:

    Buying Time
    When my husband was dx with stage 4 colon cancer we received the same prognosis. We were told that his cancer was treatable but life shortening. We were elated when he was told after chemo that there was no longer any sign of cancer. Then several months later he had his first recurrence. Even though we knew to expect it, that first recurrence really hit us hard. After that we decided to consider treatment and those partial remissions as just buying time. We rejoiced when the treatments and surgery worked because it meant that we were buying more time. My husband wanted to buy as much time as possible to make memories with friends and family. When he felt well enough we did some traveling and spent time with those we love. He was able to buy sox years, much longer than anyone expected. During that time a new granddaughter was born, both of our sons moved up in their chosen professions, and we took our older granddaughters on three trips including one to Quebec and one to New Brunswick. We saw one granddaughter medal in a charity run. We put together a trip to Hawaii in a week after learning of his third recurrence.I can't even begin to tell you all the other memories our family has. Yeah, cancer sucks and it can be like a death sentence. I won't tell you it wasn't heart wrenching at times because it was. My husband had a very strong faith in God which was what sustained him. He didn't ask why him because he believed that God had a plan for him. And yes we cried together many times. God's plan was different than ours. We were supposed to grow old together. Yet, Doug chose to live while he was dying. He always said he was living with cancer, not dying from it. He tried to live it with courage and faith. I don't know that any thing I have said here helps, I just wanted you both to know that you are not alone.

    Power of positive thinking
    Thank you for the reply GrandmaFay. I am a fairly positive, happy person. Unfortunately his outlook on life has always been pessimistic. That is why he needs me. I balance his life. I wish I could put that zest for life your husband had into him somehow. I have to get him to see that he should not waste the time he has left with this attitude.

    I will talk about the positive ways he can spend his time, and see if he'll take the bait. It is up to him. I will support, even though it is sometimes hard.
  • nyogus1
    nyogus1 Member Posts: 30
    #5
    Barbara53 said:

    stand by your man
    My mother is now on maintenance chemo with no hope of cure, and it hit her hard that she would not get better. Then she kind of slipped back into soft denial, all the while doing things that show she is preparing for her transition. This is a slow and sadly beautiful process once the initial anger is given a chance to air out.

    I once read that dying people want and need reassurance that the people they love will be there for them, so they will not be alone, and that they will be kept as comfortable as possible. When the opportunity presents, I remind Mom that I and my siblings will be there for her every step of the way. The minister from her church began pastoral counseling with her yesterday, reminding her of the many promises her faith has in store for her.

    I understand your husband's feelings, to which he is way more than entitled, and you get your feelings too, which may be all over the place. Good luck with this day.

    Thank you.
    I am beginning to learn that feelings (although uncomfortable to face & hear) are valid. I have to learn how to tell him it is OK to air his thoughts. I have to learn how to hear them and accept them. I still want to run away from the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Why can't everything just be OK again?

    I like GrandmaFay's husbands attitude, and wish my husband could be the same kind of person. I work with a woman with cancer who has the BEST attitude. She is a ray of sunshine. She doesn't need support groups, as she has dozens & dozens of friends who support her. My husband is an introvert and is likely feeling a bit isolated with the disease.

    Nancy
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #6
    nyogus1 said:

    Thank you.
    I am beginning to learn that feelings (although uncomfortable to face & hear) are valid. I have to learn how to tell him it is OK to air his thoughts. I have to learn how to hear them and accept them. I still want to run away from the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Why can't everything just be OK again?

    I like GrandmaFay's husbands attitude, and wish my husband could be the same kind of person. I work with a woman with cancer who has the BEST attitude. She is a ray of sunshine. She doesn't need support groups, as she has dozens & dozens of friends who support her. My husband is an introvert and is likely feeling a bit isolated with the disease.

    Nancy

    Hello Nancy and welcome to
    Hello Nancy and welcome to you and your husband to our caregivers family. My dad passed away in March from ec. I believe most men handle this cancer journey in the same way. For some reason, it is almost impossible for them to think positive. My dad was the same way. I wish your husband's dr. did not tell him what he did, the way he did! That would depress any of us! Sometimes they really make the truth hurt. He could have said......you are in remission now, that is wonderful, lets put you on these maitainence drugs for now, and in 3 to 6 mos. give you another scan and see what is happening. Being told that he can not cure him is devastating. Now that the damage has been done, it is extremely difficult to be positive! Wow. Tell him to do his best to keep his chin up, day it one day at a time, and live for today. Do not dwell on the future. He could prove everyone wrong and beat this cancer and live for 100 more years! The only one who knows his future is God. Celebrate now that he is in remission.
    Best of luck to both of you. We will be thinking of you and praying for you both. Remind your husband that he is an individual, not a statistic, everyone reacts to this cancer in different ways.
    Tina
  • nyogus1
    nyogus1 Member Posts: 30
    #7
    Tina Blondek said:

    Hello Nancy and welcome to
    Hello Nancy and welcome to you and your husband to our caregivers family. My dad passed away in March from ec. I believe most men handle this cancer journey in the same way. For some reason, it is almost impossible for them to think positive. My dad was the same way. I wish your husband's dr. did not tell him what he did, the way he did! That would depress any of us! Sometimes they really make the truth hurt. He could have said......you are in remission now, that is wonderful, lets put you on these maitainence drugs for now, and in 3 to 6 mos. give you another scan and see what is happening. Being told that he can not cure him is devastating. Now that the damage has been done, it is extremely difficult to be positive! Wow. Tell him to do his best to keep his chin up, day it one day at a time, and live for today. Do not dwell on the future. He could prove everyone wrong and beat this cancer and live for 100 more years! The only one who knows his future is God. Celebrate now that he is in remission.
    Best of luck to both of you. We will be thinking of you and praying for you both. Remind your husband that he is an individual, not a statistic, everyone reacts to this cancer in different ways.
    Tina

    Support
    I really welcome the support everyone provides. Sometimes I feel isolated too. My friends and family are great. But sometimes it's good to talk with people who don't know you to get some real honest feedback (without bias). I appreciate it.

    I had a little talk with him this morning, and told him I think he needs to see a Psychologist. Someone recommended by the Cancer Center who is experienced working with Cancer patients and their issues. Also capable of helping him with other complex issues he has (not cancer related), that have not been resolved to date in his life (Grown daughter he has not had contact with for 20 years, etc.)

    I also told him he needs to start to find joy in his life.

    Thanks everyone for giving me the courage to communicate with him, and "stand by your man" as someone quoted.

    Nancy
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #8
    nyogus1 said:

    Support
    I really welcome the support everyone provides. Sometimes I feel isolated too. My friends and family are great. But sometimes it's good to talk with people who don't know you to get some real honest feedback (without bias). I appreciate it.

    I had a little talk with him this morning, and told him I think he needs to see a Psychologist. Someone recommended by the Cancer Center who is experienced working with Cancer patients and their issues. Also capable of helping him with other complex issues he has (not cancer related), that have not been resolved to date in his life (Grown daughter he has not had contact with for 20 years, etc.)

    I also told him he needs to start to find joy in his life.

    Thanks everyone for giving me the courage to communicate with him, and "stand by your man" as someone quoted.

    Nancy

    lucky man
    He is so lucky to have you.

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