All I Seem to Want

kimmygarland
kimmygarland Member Posts: 312
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
All I seem to want to do is CRY. I shared my husband's story about his upcoming surgery in the other thread. I am not a cryer and I don't understand or like what is happening to me. During his first round, I was a rock. I dealt with every blow and got through the days of radiation and chemo like a freight train.

This time, I just don't seem to have the gumption. I'm scared, truly afraid of what the future holds. Last time I was confident he would be ok and cured. This time, I'm not so confident. And I surely don't need to be breaking down all the time in front of my son and husband - I am making an effort to not do that, I will say.

I guess I should consider going to the doctor and getting some type of medication, but I keep thinking this funk will go away. I'm not really depressed, I have these "spells" where I just burst out crying. It's awful.

Anybody have any suggestions for handling these emotions?

Comments

  • lucas_88
    lucas_88 Member Posts: 10
    Cry all you need!
    K:

    (I am a newbie, so please give me some lee-way if I sound off-base!) My partner has just been diagnosed last week with bladder cancer and I am so afraid that it has metastasized to his liver. I, too, am finding myself with crying spells ALL the time and sometimes, at the most inappropriate time and place (e.g., grocery store, with the bank teller, right at this moment as I am writing this, etc.) I too feel that it is inappropriate to cry in front of my partner, as I don't want him care-taking me at this point, but eventually I will need to get over my guilt and share with him how awful all of this is for me.

    On top of my fear of losing him and the burdens that we are about to face, I am also aware that some of my grief has to do with losing the cancer- and care-free life that we had just a week ago. I'm realizing that even though we will do all the right steps, and go through the recommended treatments, it's just so maddening that I'm given no f***ing guarantee that he will be better.

    I'm just thinking that I will need to cry as much as I need to and I hope you allow yourself the same gentleness. It just seems like you are being real hard on yourself for having these understandable feelings.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    Crying
    Crying is not a bad thing. It helps us to deal with the stress. If it gets too bad, you do need to see your doctor. You are under a lot of stress and may need some help, either some counseling or meds. There is no shame in asking for help. Hang in there. Fay
  • kimmygarland
    kimmygarland Member Posts: 312
    lucas_88 said:

    Cry all you need!
    K:

    (I am a newbie, so please give me some lee-way if I sound off-base!) My partner has just been diagnosed last week with bladder cancer and I am so afraid that it has metastasized to his liver. I, too, am finding myself with crying spells ALL the time and sometimes, at the most inappropriate time and place (e.g., grocery store, with the bank teller, right at this moment as I am writing this, etc.) I too feel that it is inappropriate to cry in front of my partner, as I don't want him care-taking me at this point, but eventually I will need to get over my guilt and share with him how awful all of this is for me.

    On top of my fear of losing him and the burdens that we are about to face, I am also aware that some of my grief has to do with losing the cancer- and care-free life that we had just a week ago. I'm realizing that even though we will do all the right steps, and go through the recommended treatments, it's just so maddening that I'm given no f***ing guarantee that he will be better.

    I'm just thinking that I will need to cry as much as I need to and I hope you allow yourself the same gentleness. It just seems like you are being real hard on yourself for having these understandable feelings.

    Thanks
    Thanks GrandmaFay - I will probably go see my pcp next week, for a little talk.

    Lucas - You are spot on with how I am feeling. Fear of losing him, burdens we face, losing our care free life, etc..... and what could be a bad final outcome. And you are right, I am probably being too hard on myself. Mainly that is because my husband does not appreciate any display of emotion - he considers that a weakness (little does he realize, that thinking is a weakness in HIM). Anyway, I am dealing with it and trying to keep my crying jags away from him.

    I'll be ok, just need a few days to adjust to all this news.

    I am so glad I found you folks and this site.
  • Pennymac02
    Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member

    Thanks
    Thanks GrandmaFay - I will probably go see my pcp next week, for a little talk.

    Lucas - You are spot on with how I am feeling. Fear of losing him, burdens we face, losing our care free life, etc..... and what could be a bad final outcome. And you are right, I am probably being too hard on myself. Mainly that is because my husband does not appreciate any display of emotion - he considers that a weakness (little does he realize, that thinking is a weakness in HIM). Anyway, I am dealing with it and trying to keep my crying jags away from him.

    I'll be ok, just need a few days to adjust to all this news.

    I am so glad I found you folks and this site.

    Keep your appointment
    Kimmy, I finally have set an appointment with a therapist next week. After my mom's cancer and passing last year, my husbands liver failure, and now his liver cancer, I really need it. I was venting to a friend a while back that I was tired of everyone sayning "You're so strong--you'll get thru this". I was telling her that that perception really frustrated me, because inside, I don't feel strong. She replied "Penny, people think you are strong because you never ask for help". Ouch! But she was right. I work in the mental health field, too, so I guess I was thinking I could be theraputic enough for myself. Right. Apparently, exhaustion and emotional upset is making me delusional, too! So far, I'm not on any anti depressants, but if this therapist thinks I need them, I'm taking them. We all need to find out what it is we need to do in order to cope with severly stressful and sad processes. I think going to your PCP is a wonderful idea.
    Penny
  • Little_C
    Little_C Member Posts: 23
    Feeling the same way
    Kimmy, I've been going through the same experience as you. I was strong during the first diagnosis of cancer but when the doctor told us he thinks the cancer is back I just fell apart. He hasn't even had the biopsy yet but I'm still going through a lot of tears thinking "Not again!" I have been trying to be strong this second time as well and it's not working so I spoke with my doctor and she put me on a low dosage of an anti-depressant. I realized I needed something if I was going to make it through the biopsy and then the surgery and who knows what after that. I can't allow the fear to take hold of my life. I have to be able to function day to day and do what ever is needed. Church and the medicine are the two things that will help me through. I think speaking with your doctor is a good idea and I don't know what your doctor will suggest but I personally feel better taking a low dosage, after all I need to function all day and not sleep, right :-)
    Take care Kimmy, hang in there and keep coming back to this site to vent.
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    your turn
    It's just your turn to crash a little bit, Kimmy. Let it go - you know very well crying is a good and normal thing. Just do it.

    Walking helps me tremendously. Any kind of physical release of the stress is going to help. That includes crying.

    And by all means see a counselor if for nothing else to just TALK.

    Hugs, hugs, hugs to you.
  • kimmygarland
    kimmygarland Member Posts: 312

    your turn
    It's just your turn to crash a little bit, Kimmy. Let it go - you know very well crying is a good and normal thing. Just do it.

    Walking helps me tremendously. Any kind of physical release of the stress is going to help. That includes crying.

    And by all means see a counselor if for nothing else to just TALK.

    Hugs, hugs, hugs to you.

    Going to Doc
    Made an appt with my PCP to talk to her about how I am feeling and possibly get a little chemical assistance. I don't want to be a Zombie, just a little tweak of something will help.

    I haven't cried yet today - so that's a good thing! Yay me!

    Noellesmom - I agree that exercise is a great stress relief. I exercise every day 30-45 minutes (dvd's) and it helps tremendously.
  • supermanhadley
    supermanhadley Member Posts: 13
    don't be so afraid
    Kimmy-

    Allow yourself to be human. No one is a rock. We feel. We hurt. If your husband wants you to stay strong it is only because it breaks his heart to see you hurt. I don't believe their is or should be a medication that doesn't allow us to feel.

    I know this may sound silly and not practical, but as a cancer victim I would look for small signs of hope and little pleasures. I'd mentally focus on the good things that may come because I needed to believe in the good. I needed to transcend from the bad and put myself in a good spot.

    Don't try to be strong. Don't allow yourself to be weak either. Just hold on...

    Adam
  • lucas_88
    lucas_88 Member Posts: 10

    don't be so afraid
    Kimmy-

    Allow yourself to be human. No one is a rock. We feel. We hurt. If your husband wants you to stay strong it is only because it breaks his heart to see you hurt. I don't believe their is or should be a medication that doesn't allow us to feel.

    I know this may sound silly and not practical, but as a cancer victim I would look for small signs of hope and little pleasures. I'd mentally focus on the good things that may come because I needed to believe in the good. I needed to transcend from the bad and put myself in a good spot.

    Don't try to be strong. Don't allow yourself to be weak either. Just hold on...

    Adam

    Sharing caregiver's feelings
    Adam:

    I really appreciate your perspective. Today, we just learned that my partner's bladder cancer had mets to multiple areas of his liver and prostate (we just received his bladder cancer diagnosis two weeks ago). I know that the prognosis is not good and it hurts that there is a good chance that we will lose him in the near future, for he has so enriched my life for the last 18 years that we have been together. I just love him so much.

    I'm doing my best, but I am full of fear, dread and sorrow, and sharing/showing this to my partner will only break his heart more. Also, being new to the situation, I'm sure that I have yet to discover the full extent of my role as a caregiver ... and as Kimmy so eloquently states, "I will need to put on my big boy panties!"

    I guess my question would be is how much should I share with him as to how I'm feeling. I certainly don't want to put him any more anguish over my distraught, but yet I feel a need to share my grief with him.

    My best to all,
    Lucas.

    I so f**king hate cancer!
  • forme
    forme Member Posts: 1,161 Member
    lucas_88 said:

    Sharing caregiver's feelings
    Adam:

    I really appreciate your perspective. Today, we just learned that my partner's bladder cancer had mets to multiple areas of his liver and prostate (we just received his bladder cancer diagnosis two weeks ago). I know that the prognosis is not good and it hurts that there is a good chance that we will lose him in the near future, for he has so enriched my life for the last 18 years that we have been together. I just love him so much.

    I'm doing my best, but I am full of fear, dread and sorrow, and sharing/showing this to my partner will only break his heart more. Also, being new to the situation, I'm sure that I have yet to discover the full extent of my role as a caregiver ... and as Kimmy so eloquently states, "I will need to put on my big boy panties!"

    I guess my question would be is how much should I share with him as to how I'm feeling. I certainly don't want to put him any more anguish over my distraught, but yet I feel a need to share my grief with him.

    My best to all,
    Lucas.

    I so f**king hate cancer!

    one day
    Hi Lucas,
    I thought I would share with you. My mom had breast ca and then had bladder ca two times. She has also been dealing with parkinsons and old age. She is 89 and still kicking the best she can. I am her caregiver , sometimes since I too have cancer. I would have to say don't give up hope. There are lots of different treatments that will help your partner, which will also help you. Try to stay positive. Being a caregiver is hard work. I think it is just as hard as having ca. This is my third time around and it is very difficult. But taking care of my mom is the most rewarding thing I have ever done. There are days that I cry so much because I can't "fix" her. Just be there for your partner. And if you need to cry together, go ahead..
    Sending you strength and hugs....
    Lisha
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    lucas_88 said:

    Sharing caregiver's feelings
    Adam:

    I really appreciate your perspective. Today, we just learned that my partner's bladder cancer had mets to multiple areas of his liver and prostate (we just received his bladder cancer diagnosis two weeks ago). I know that the prognosis is not good and it hurts that there is a good chance that we will lose him in the near future, for he has so enriched my life for the last 18 years that we have been together. I just love him so much.

    I'm doing my best, but I am full of fear, dread and sorrow, and sharing/showing this to my partner will only break his heart more. Also, being new to the situation, I'm sure that I have yet to discover the full extent of my role as a caregiver ... and as Kimmy so eloquently states, "I will need to put on my big boy panties!"

    I guess my question would be is how much should I share with him as to how I'm feeling. I certainly don't want to put him any more anguish over my distraught, but yet I feel a need to share my grief with him.

    My best to all,
    Lucas.

    I so f**king hate cancer!

    Sharing
    How much you share with your partner really depends on your relationship before cancer. My husband and I were married 42 years. He was my best friend and the person I could always share my feelings, good or bad, with. We cried together often after his dx. Sadly, my greatest fear of losing him happened. I am now dealing with that grief, and the thing I miss the most was the sharing. If you and your partner have openly shared your feelings before, I think sharing them now would be a good thing. I know my husband appreciated having the chance to talk about those feelings. It reassured him that he was not alone in his fears, and gave him a chance to bring his out in the open, too. I am sorry you are here on these boards because a loved one has been dx with cancer, but glad you found us. You are not alone. Caregiving is rough. Come here when you need some support. Only you can decide how you should move forward. I know you will do your best. That is all any of us can do. Fay
  • kimmygarland
    kimmygarland Member Posts: 312

    Sharing
    How much you share with your partner really depends on your relationship before cancer. My husband and I were married 42 years. He was my best friend and the person I could always share my feelings, good or bad, with. We cried together often after his dx. Sadly, my greatest fear of losing him happened. I am now dealing with that grief, and the thing I miss the most was the sharing. If you and your partner have openly shared your feelings before, I think sharing them now would be a good thing. I know my husband appreciated having the chance to talk about those feelings. It reassured him that he was not alone in his fears, and gave him a chance to bring his out in the open, too. I am sorry you are here on these boards because a loved one has been dx with cancer, but glad you found us. You are not alone. Caregiving is rough. Come here when you need some support. Only you can decide how you should move forward. I know you will do your best. That is all any of us can do. Fay

    Lucas - I Agree
    Cancer sucks bigtime. There are not enough expletives to type how much I hate it.

    So sorry to hear about the diagnosis, but hang in there. It's amazing what treatments they have now that can help him.

    ((Hugs))
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522

    Lucas - I Agree
    Cancer sucks bigtime. There are not enough expletives to type how much I hate it.

    So sorry to hear about the diagnosis, but hang in there. It's amazing what treatments they have now that can help him.

    ((Hugs))

    feeling
    As a veteeran of 36 years of marriage I can tell you. That llife is what you make of it. My husband does not always show emontions , But I know he has them. He can be on days my worst dream, and then he can be my night in shining armour. These are things we face everyday. I think after they said cancer , we started seeing these actions more but they were already there. There is days I was to slap him and I am sure there are days he would like to do the same. But I remeber the day Cancer came into our life, I can not even begin to say how hard it was on us. I cried my a fountain, He weep to, we pulled our self together and started this new life. Things started looking good and we were happy still with the same old complaints . But happy . Guess what cancer can back again. The fear of not having him in my life all these nasty little thougts I am sure everyone has had them some more than others. The creep into my mind like what will I do, How will I do and then I have a feeling of such lost like falling off a cliff at the though my best friend my heart ny soul may not be there one day. I think Oh my go the kids not so much kids 31 and 29 , they have no children no one else but us. So very many thoughts it is like bombs going off in my head.
    As I start to get mad cause he left the toliet seat up and I fell into it again, or the paper he leaves on the china cabin , these thought like pick that crap up. Then I think it is just things. Get over it.

    I think he is is yelling because something is not right or he can't fit something , I think I should record that, so I am not caught up in all the good things he has done.
    I asked for a cabin in our back yard two years ago it is 12x16 log cabin like I grew up in as a kid , we built it together, I asked for solar lights for Christmas, he got them for me if I promised he would not have to put them in till srping. I did and they are there.
    So all these things equal a marriage not quite perfect, some yelling and screaming cause we don't see eye to eye.

    He is and I make no bones about it the best thing to happen to me, the bumps and bruised (not from fightening) are just part of life.
    When I think we ccan no longer share this , my heart dies a little more each day.
    He worked , he never cheated on me, he loves me for me , I am truley blessed. All the small things seam to small. The road we are going down sometimes we feel like giving up , but I know that he loves me and I know I love him.
    Sounds funny when I was child down south (we had no concept of snow like here) I dreamed I would marry a brown eyes man and we would live in a cold place (Igloo) I saw him clean as day. In 1972 when he walked in to my parents house I looked at my mother and said that is the man I am going to marry, I even knew where we would live. So strange it must sound but trust me . It happened just that way.
    So as mad or much as he shuts me out I know it is to protect me from hurt. But some times weneed the hurt to know we are still alive.

    Sorry so long
    Jennie
  • kimmygarland
    kimmygarland Member Posts: 312
    zinniemay said:

    feeling
    As a veteeran of 36 years of marriage I can tell you. That llife is what you make of it. My husband does not always show emontions , But I know he has them. He can be on days my worst dream, and then he can be my night in shining armour. These are things we face everyday. I think after they said cancer , we started seeing these actions more but they were already there. There is days I was to slap him and I am sure there are days he would like to do the same. But I remeber the day Cancer came into our life, I can not even begin to say how hard it was on us. I cried my a fountain, He weep to, we pulled our self together and started this new life. Things started looking good and we were happy still with the same old complaints . But happy . Guess what cancer can back again. The fear of not having him in my life all these nasty little thougts I am sure everyone has had them some more than others. The creep into my mind like what will I do, How will I do and then I have a feeling of such lost like falling off a cliff at the though my best friend my heart ny soul may not be there one day. I think Oh my go the kids not so much kids 31 and 29 , they have no children no one else but us. So very many thoughts it is like bombs going off in my head.
    As I start to get mad cause he left the toliet seat up and I fell into it again, or the paper he leaves on the china cabin , these thought like pick that crap up. Then I think it is just things. Get over it.

    I think he is is yelling because something is not right or he can't fit something , I think I should record that, so I am not caught up in all the good things he has done.
    I asked for a cabin in our back yard two years ago it is 12x16 log cabin like I grew up in as a kid , we built it together, I asked for solar lights for Christmas, he got them for me if I promised he would not have to put them in till srping. I did and they are there.
    So all these things equal a marriage not quite perfect, some yelling and screaming cause we don't see eye to eye.

    He is and I make no bones about it the best thing to happen to me, the bumps and bruised (not from fightening) are just part of life.
    When I think we ccan no longer share this , my heart dies a little more each day.
    He worked , he never cheated on me, he loves me for me , I am truley blessed. All the small things seam to small. The road we are going down sometimes we feel like giving up , but I know that he loves me and I know I love him.
    Sounds funny when I was child down south (we had no concept of snow like here) I dreamed I would marry a brown eyes man and we would live in a cold place (Igloo) I saw him clean as day. In 1972 when he walked in to my parents house I looked at my mother and said that is the man I am going to marry, I even knew where we would live. So strange it must sound but trust me . It happened just that way.
    So as mad or much as he shuts me out I know it is to protect me from hurt. But some times weneed the hurt to know we are still alive.

    Sorry so long
    Jennie

    Jennie
    What a beautiful post... and I can relate to so much of what you said.

    I am used to my husband not expressing emotion, and I know how much he loves me.
    I know what you mean about the kids being grown and not having anyone else. Our son just graduated from college and is home with us.

    I went to the doctor this week and did get a very mild anti depressant. Hopefully it will help a bit with the outbursts. Time, even a few days, has even helped and I am doing better this week.

    Such a rollercoaster ride this is...
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522

    Jennie
    What a beautiful post... and I can relate to so much of what you said.

    I am used to my husband not expressing emotion, and I know how much he loves me.
    I know what you mean about the kids being grown and not having anyone else. Our son just graduated from college and is home with us.

    I went to the doctor this week and did get a very mild anti depressant. Hopefully it will help a bit with the outbursts. Time, even a few days, has even helped and I am doing better this week.

    Such a rollercoaster ride this is...

    expressions
    Kimmy ,
    My words don't always come out the way I would like them to. I have a hard time with spelling and phasing sentences. So I some times stubble to find the words.
    I cry when my husband is in bed , or somewhere else in the house. He is like your husband a kiss or peck on the cheek means I love you always. But past that not allot more. We do hold hands when we go out still after 36 years. We are each others best friend.
    I think the hardest part is the fear of what if or what can I do. It is in the back of our heads and sometimes it slips out and then we cry.
    Depression is a club I have been in on and off for years, Why I have no clue. Doctors think all the surgeries (36) I had as a child and the drugs they used. I can still remember the counting backwards at they would put a mask on my face. But who knows what triggers depression .
    Could be the fact we are comfortable in our lifes now we know the steps we take the moves and so on, but the future is so unclear"HOw Long" will he suffer all these things we don't want to wonder in our minds creep ever so close when they cough or get sick.
    My hearts breaks for my two Children even adult they are still children to us. My heart breaks cause the fear of stage 4 Mets . I know what that means . I know the way we worked to save money to enjoy life in our golden years , The trips they plans . I know that we will never take that great trip across country by train seeing all of the U.S. They things are so heavy on my heart.
    When he snores I always got mad and now I pray to hear it. The toliet seat he always leaves up I know someday it will noy matter I will wish he had.
    Even the stupid peck on the cheek the good night kiss. I think how long will it last. The harder I try not to think about it, the more it creeps up on me.
    I try to cherish the things that are important now and hang on to them. Slowly I feel my heart is dieing with him.
  • kimmygarland
    kimmygarland Member Posts: 312
    zinniemay said:

    expressions
    Kimmy ,
    My words don't always come out the way I would like them to. I have a hard time with spelling and phasing sentences. So I some times stubble to find the words.
    I cry when my husband is in bed , or somewhere else in the house. He is like your husband a kiss or peck on the cheek means I love you always. But past that not allot more. We do hold hands when we go out still after 36 years. We are each others best friend.
    I think the hardest part is the fear of what if or what can I do. It is in the back of our heads and sometimes it slips out and then we cry.
    Depression is a club I have been in on and off for years, Why I have no clue. Doctors think all the surgeries (36) I had as a child and the drugs they used. I can still remember the counting backwards at they would put a mask on my face. But who knows what triggers depression .
    Could be the fact we are comfortable in our lifes now we know the steps we take the moves and so on, but the future is so unclear"HOw Long" will he suffer all these things we don't want to wonder in our minds creep ever so close when they cough or get sick.
    My hearts breaks for my two Children even adult they are still children to us. My heart breaks cause the fear of stage 4 Mets . I know what that means . I know the way we worked to save money to enjoy life in our golden years , The trips they plans . I know that we will never take that great trip across country by train seeing all of the U.S. They things are so heavy on my heart.
    When he snores I always got mad and now I pray to hear it. The toliet seat he always leaves up I know someday it will noy matter I will wish he had.
    Even the stupid peck on the cheek the good night kiss. I think how long will it last. The harder I try not to think about it, the more it creeps up on me.
    I try to cherish the things that are important now and hang on to them. Slowly I feel my heart is dieing with him.

    Oh Zinniemay
    I so understand what you mean. I guess my biggest fear (and this is going to sound weird), is not the dying but the process of getting there. Seeing him suffer, going from the big strong man he always has been, so independent, lover of life, lover of food, very active, etc., to the person cancer is turning him into. I love him - I don't car what cancer does - but it breaks my heart.

    I hope beyond hope, and pray everyday that this upcoming surgery gets rid of this nasty beast. If it doesn't, we will go to the next phase, but I am smart enough to know that I will never have my husband of 27 years back. But I do have him, just in a different form, and I will cherish every day we have - whether it be many, many days or fewer.

    I find myself getting so angry at the cancer, and even at God, for giving us this burden. Like you Zinniemay, we have gotten to the age where we can travel and do some fun things now that our son finally graduated college. I hate feeling sorry for myself, but, well I guess I am venting.

    I go into the bathroom, or outside or in the car, and cry and cry sometimes. Try not to do it in front of him or my son.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member

    Oh Zinniemay
    I so understand what you mean. I guess my biggest fear (and this is going to sound weird), is not the dying but the process of getting there. Seeing him suffer, going from the big strong man he always has been, so independent, lover of life, lover of food, very active, etc., to the person cancer is turning him into. I love him - I don't car what cancer does - but it breaks my heart.

    I hope beyond hope, and pray everyday that this upcoming surgery gets rid of this nasty beast. If it doesn't, we will go to the next phase, but I am smart enough to know that I will never have my husband of 27 years back. But I do have him, just in a different form, and I will cherish every day we have - whether it be many, many days or fewer.

    I find myself getting so angry at the cancer, and even at God, for giving us this burden. Like you Zinniemay, we have gotten to the age where we can travel and do some fun things now that our son finally graduated college. I hate feeling sorry for myself, but, well I guess I am venting.

    I go into the bathroom, or outside or in the car, and cry and cry sometimes. Try not to do it in front of him or my son.

    Growing old together
    When my husband was first dx the only thing I could think was"but we were supposed to grow old together." My greatest fear was losing my husband of, at that time, 36 years. He lived for six more years before that fear happened. Longer than we expected, but not long enough. As others have said on this board. It is never long enough. I would just like to remind you that every day sees new cures and treatments. I keep those who are dealing with cancer in my prayers every day. And remember too, it is ok to get mad at God. He can take it, and it is a sure sign of your faith. I believe that my husband was healed. That to me is a very different thing than cured. Try to take each day as it comes. We have a tendency to try to look ahead and sometimes miss the gems this day brings. None of this is easy, though. I know that. Just say I love you often even if he doesn't. Fay
  • Pennymac02
    Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member

    Growing old together
    When my husband was first dx the only thing I could think was"but we were supposed to grow old together." My greatest fear was losing my husband of, at that time, 36 years. He lived for six more years before that fear happened. Longer than we expected, but not long enough. As others have said on this board. It is never long enough. I would just like to remind you that every day sees new cures and treatments. I keep those who are dealing with cancer in my prayers every day. And remember too, it is ok to get mad at God. He can take it, and it is a sure sign of your faith. I believe that my husband was healed. That to me is a very different thing than cured. Try to take each day as it comes. We have a tendency to try to look ahead and sometimes miss the gems this day brings. None of this is easy, though. I know that. Just say I love you often even if he doesn't. Fay

    Thank you
    Thank you Grandmafay for putting into words something I've been thinking for a long time. That is, when I pray for someones healing and they pass away, they are healed. No more pain or suffering, they are healed and are in the presence of God.

    And I'm a firm believer in allowing myself the feelings of anger with God or fear of the unknown. I talk to Him about those feelings on a regular basis. Some one told me that fear is an absence of faith, which I DON'T believe. I have faith that God can see me through and is big enough to take care of me, but I also have fear regarding the journey Mike and I have to walk through. Just because I feel scared doesn't mean I don't have faith. Penny