Am I wrong......

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tjohnson2310
tjohnson2310 Member Posts: 168 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Am I wrong to be upset with my mother. For my first 3 chemo treatments my mother came with me. However for 2 of them she picked me up late. So I was late for 2 appointments. I did not say anything the first time she was late but the second time I told her try to be on time. She got mad at me for asking her to be on time. She continued to argue that I was wrong in confronting her on this. She even said why don't I get mad at the nurses when they don't start my chemo on time. She also said she just can't be on time. Maybe I am being picky...but I brought her to her chemo and radiation appointments when she was going through breast cancer 12 years ago. I don't resent her I just expected her to be there. Anyway...so on my 4th round I went by myself. I still want her to be there with me. She called during treatment but did not come. I am sure I need to give it more time but I did not expect this.

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  • missrenee
    missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
    #2
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    No--You're So Not Wrong
    Having chemo is probably one of the most stressful things that can ever happen to you. To have the added stress of being late and then having your mom argue with you and get offended by your saying something is unfair and insensitive--especially, since she is a survivor and knows what you are going through. If you have someone go with you to chemo, that person should be a source of comfort and calmness.

    I'm sorry this didn't go well for you. If you have another treatment, I'm hoping you have someone who makes you feel calm and secure to accompany you. If not, at least in my situation, there are usually people there getting treatment who enjoy conversation.

    I think your mom owes you an apology--or at least acknowledge that she was insensitive to your needs. Not knowing your mom, this may not happen. If not, you have to decide when to let it go because it will only harm you if you let it bother you.

    Good luck.

    Hugs, Renee
  • Marsha Mulvey
    Marsha Mulvey Member Posts: 597 Member
    #3
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    Right or wrong
    Even though you're the one going through the chemo, would it be possible for you to pick her up? Would she get ready on time if you drove? Sure sounds like you want her there. Just trying to come up with a solution for you. As we all know, emotions can run pretty high right now. Hope you're able to work things out.
    MM
  • m_azingrace
    m_azingrace Member Posts: 399
    #4
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    Marsha Mulvey said:

    Right or wrong
    Even though you're the one going through the chemo, would it be possible for you to pick her up? Would she get ready on time if you drove? Sure sounds like you want her there. Just trying to come up with a solution for you. As we all know, emotions can run pretty high right now. Hope you're able to work things out.
    MM

    Maybe...
    Does going to chemo with you bring back memories that she might not want to deal with? This is probably something you need to talk to her about...not about her being late, but about whether it's a hard thing for her to do. In the beginning she may have said she was okay with it, but maybe she just wasn't prepared for the level of emotional difficulty. Just my thought. Hugs. Gracie
  • tjohnson2310
    tjohnson2310 Member Posts: 168 Member
    #5
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    m_azingrace said:

    Maybe...
    Does going to chemo with you bring back memories that she might not want to deal with? This is probably something you need to talk to her about...not about her being late, but about whether it's a hard thing for her to do. In the beginning she may have said she was okay with it, but maybe she just wasn't prepared for the level of emotional difficulty. Just my thought. Hugs. Gracie

    I asked her
    I asked her if it brought back memories when we went. She said at first she was hesitant but after the first time she was fine with it.
  • tjohnson2310
    tjohnson2310 Member Posts: 168 Member
    #6
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    Marsha Mulvey said:

    Right or wrong
    Even though you're the one going through the chemo, would it be possible for you to pick her up? Would she get ready on time if you drove? Sure sounds like you want her there. Just trying to come up with a solution for you. As we all know, emotions can run pretty high right now. Hope you're able to work things out.
    MM

    She just says
    She just says she can't be on time even for her own doctor appointments. So, she would probably still be late if i picked her up. I have even called her 2 hrs before my appointment time to tell her to get ready and she was still late. She thinks I am being to strict about being there on time. But this really matters to me because I have to have blood drawn, see the doctor and then chemo if blood levels are ok for treatment.....Anyway, I have decided to go alone. I told her she can come if she wants to anytime during treatment. I am usually there about 2-3 hours.
  • tjohnson2310
    tjohnson2310 Member Posts: 168 Member
    #7
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    missrenee said:

    No--You're So Not Wrong
    Having chemo is probably one of the most stressful things that can ever happen to you. To have the added stress of being late and then having your mom argue with you and get offended by your saying something is unfair and insensitive--especially, since she is a survivor and knows what you are going through. If you have someone go with you to chemo, that person should be a source of comfort and calmness.

    I'm sorry this didn't go well for you. If you have another treatment, I'm hoping you have someone who makes you feel calm and secure to accompany you. If not, at least in my situation, there are usually people there getting treatment who enjoy conversation.

    I think your mom owes you an apology--or at least acknowledge that she was insensitive to your needs. Not knowing your mom, this may not happen. If not, you have to decide when to let it go because it will only harm you if you let it bother you.

    Good luck.

    Hugs, Renee

    Thanks
    Thanks for your advice. I was feeling guilty for being upset with my mother. I will try my best not to let this bother me.
  • jo jo
    jo jo Member Posts: 1,175
    #8
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    tjohnson2310 said:

    She just says
    She just says she can't be on time even for her own doctor appointments. So, she would probably still be late if i picked her up. I have even called her 2 hrs before my appointment time to tell her to get ready and she was still late. She thinks I am being to strict about being there on time. But this really matters to me because I have to have blood drawn, see the doctor and then chemo if blood levels are ok for treatment.....Anyway, I have decided to go alone. I told her she can come if she wants to anytime during treatment. I am usually there about 2-3 hours.

    Just a suggestion cuz i do
    Just a suggestion cuz i do this with my son (he is always late). I tell them my appointment is a half hour or hour sooner than it is. This way if they are late i still get there on time.
  • MAJW
    MAJW Member Posts: 2,510 Member
    #9
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    tjohnson2310 said:

    She just says
    She just says she can't be on time even for her own doctor appointments. So, she would probably still be late if i picked her up. I have even called her 2 hrs before my appointment time to tell her to get ready and she was still late. She thinks I am being to strict about being there on time. But this really matters to me because I have to have blood drawn, see the doctor and then chemo if blood levels are ok for treatment.....Anyway, I have decided to go alone. I told her she can come if she wants to anytime during treatment. I am usually there about 2-3 hours.

    You don't need the added stress........
    If you can't find someone to get you to chemo on time, I think you're better off just getting yourself there....in my opinion.......You don't need the added stress of relying on someone who sounds like she is chronically late to everything......I think you'd be wise to just tell her, "if you want to join me, you know where I'll be".....and leave it at that...

    I also think it must be terribly painful for your mom to see you going through what she went through....I can't imagine if this were my daughter having to do the same as I did last year....It doesn't matter your age or your mom's........you're still her "little girl". But I still believe, mother or not, you should try to rely on someone who can get you to your appointments on time....the less stress, the better for you.......I hope you find a good solution to this.....

    Hugs and Peace be with you
  • lolad
    lolad Member Posts: 670
    #10
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    MAJW said:

    You don't need the added stress........
    If you can't find someone to get you to chemo on time, I think you're better off just getting yourself there....in my opinion.......You don't need the added stress of relying on someone who sounds like she is chronically late to everything......I think you'd be wise to just tell her, "if you want to join me, you know where I'll be".....and leave it at that...

    I also think it must be terribly painful for your mom to see you going through what she went through....I can't imagine if this were my daughter having to do the same as I did last year....It doesn't matter your age or your mom's........you're still her "little girl". But I still believe, mother or not, you should try to rely on someone who can get you to your appointments on time....the less stress, the better for you.......I hope you find a good solution to this.....

    Hugs and Peace be with you

    You are not wrong
    at all. And when she turns the anger around on you when you are just trying to tell her its important for you to be on time, thats wrong too. You dont need to have someone picking and causing arguments that shouldnt even be an argument. I have no support emotionally or physically from my mom at all through any of this. She wouldnt even watch my kids or be with me or anyting. When i go to hospitals for surgeries, I arrive alone and am alone the whole time and i usually get a friend to pick me up. It hurt me real bad at first, but then thats how its been my whole life with her. She was married too many times that im not even going to tell you because its embarrassing. Being in foster care at one time because the man married didnt want kids. Im sorry, getting off track here. I dont know if your situation is that she just doesnt want to take you or she just wants to be there when its on her time only. I would do what someone else said and give her an earlier time than what it is. Or tell her to meet you down there. You shouldnt be there alone. Its hard enough. But, you dont need that extra stress when she is running you late and worry about if they will still take you when you get there or have to sit and wait a very long time so they can get you in, but not right away because you were late. Do you have a friend that could take you instead? A neighbor or anyone? Try to see if someone else could go with you so you can be on time and if your mom wants to meet you there, then she can. Take care. I hope it all goes ok

    Laura
  • tjohnson2310
    tjohnson2310 Member Posts: 168 Member
    #11
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    jo jo said:

    Just a suggestion cuz i do
    Just a suggestion cuz i do this with my son (he is always late). I tell them my appointment is a half hour or hour sooner than it is. This way if they are late i still get there on time.

    this could
    This could help. thanks
  • tjohnson2310
    tjohnson2310 Member Posts: 168 Member
    #12
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    MAJW said:

    You don't need the added stress........
    If you can't find someone to get you to chemo on time, I think you're better off just getting yourself there....in my opinion.......You don't need the added stress of relying on someone who sounds like she is chronically late to everything......I think you'd be wise to just tell her, "if you want to join me, you know where I'll be".....and leave it at that...

    I also think it must be terribly painful for your mom to see you going through what she went through....I can't imagine if this were my daughter having to do the same as I did last year....It doesn't matter your age or your mom's........you're still her "little girl". But I still believe, mother or not, you should try to rely on someone who can get you to your appointments on time....the less stress, the better for you.......I hope you find a good solution to this.....

    Hugs and Peace be with you

    I HAVE
    I have thought about how she feels seeing me go through this. She was always concerned about me be being diagnosed with BC. So, when this happened I did not know how to tell her. But when i did tell her she gave encouraging words. She has since told me when I was not around she cried.
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #13
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    tjohnson2310 said:

    I HAVE
    I have thought about how she feels seeing me go through this. She was always concerned about me be being diagnosed with BC. So, when this happened I did not know how to tell her. But when i did tell her she gave encouraging words. She has since told me when I was not around she cried.

    I have two daughters and I
    I have two daughters and I am so afraid of this, I know I would be devastated. I think about it all the time. I know I woould feel guilty. JoJos suggestion is great, I do this with my husband.
  • ms.sunshine
    ms.sunshine Member Posts: 707 Member
    #14
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    carkris said:

    I have two daughters and I
    I have two daughters and I am so afraid of this, I know I would be devastated. I think about it all the time. I know I woould feel guilty. JoJos suggestion is great, I do this with my husband.

    going solo
    I prefer to go by myself. I feel more comfortable. It drives my family nuts.
    JoJo idea is great we do that to my oldest sister when we have family get togethers.
  • tjohnson2310
    tjohnson2310 Member Posts: 168 Member
    #15
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    ms.sunshine said:

    going solo
    I prefer to go by myself. I feel more comfortable. It drives my family nuts.
    JoJo idea is great we do that to my oldest sister when we have family get togethers.

    Not so bad
    It was not so bad by myself. I actually liked it. I had magazines, puzzles and TV.I was good.
  • Babysteps
    Babysteps Member Posts: 15
    #16
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    Wrong is such a defined word
    Anger ,disappointment,expectations..is that really where you want to direct your energy? If she doesn't seem as worried about you that may be a good thing.Maybe you don't seem so hopeless.When you really need her I'm guessing she'll be there.For now she's been through her cancer.We know it changes us.Wrong ..no,but be careful, those who love us can't escape our cancer either.
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
    #17
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    Babysteps said:

    Wrong is such a defined word
    Anger ,disappointment,expectations..is that really where you want to direct your energy? If she doesn't seem as worried about you that may be a good thing.Maybe you don't seem so hopeless.When you really need her I'm guessing she'll be there.For now she's been through her cancer.We know it changes us.Wrong ..no,but be careful, those who love us can't escape our cancer either.

    Mom probably should have
    Mom probably should have been on time. However I think we have so much going on that being late is a real big deal to us. My husband went with me for every round ( 16 total ) but he did not say much. he read a book or watched TV. It was sometimes nice not to talk. I am sure your mom gets it. After all she has walked the walk. Maybe what you needed was some alone time. Maybe what she needed was a time out. Hang in there, she sounds like a normal Mom.
  • tjohnson2310
    tjohnson2310 Member Posts: 168 Member
    #18
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    Kat11 said:

    Mom probably should have
    Mom probably should have been on time. However I think we have so much going on that being late is a real big deal to us. My husband went with me for every round ( 16 total ) but he did not say much. he read a book or watched TV. It was sometimes nice not to talk. I am sure your mom gets it. After all she has walked the walk. Maybe what you needed was some alone time. Maybe what she needed was a time out. Hang in there, she sounds like a normal Mom.

    She didn't
    She didn't come today but she did call during treatment.
  • krispatmad
    krispatmad Member Posts: 10
    #19
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    tjohnson2310 said:

    She didn't
    She didn't come today but she did call during treatment.

    Hang in there
    This is a very stressful time for you and your mother. Sometimes anger disguises another emotion. I was very picky with who came to chemo with me and I did not mind being alone either. It may help you to make this experience what you want it to be. It's bad enough that you have to be there without the added stress.
  • jackiejhm
    jackiejhm Member Posts: 169
    #20
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    Validation!!!
    Not wrong, at all. Personal responsibility reigns when one is helping someone else. Mom needs to respect your wishes, needs, comfort zone... Maybe she is frightened that you are having to go through this, now. That, I can't say. But, you are working, NO, fighting to save your life right now. This is about YOU. You and your Mom are in my prayers. She'll come around. Please take care- keep us posted on your journey!!! xoxo
  • tjohnson2310
    tjohnson2310 Member Posts: 168 Member
    #21
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    jackiejhm said:

    Validation!!!
    Not wrong, at all. Personal responsibility reigns when one is helping someone else. Mom needs to respect your wishes, needs, comfort zone... Maybe she is frightened that you are having to go through this, now. That, I can't say. But, you are working, NO, fighting to save your life right now. This is about YOU. You and your Mom are in my prayers. She'll come around. Please take care- keep us posted on your journey!!! xoxo

    Thanks,
    I am grateful for your encouraging words.

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