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Attitude changes once you have a recurrence about how you use your precious TIME

lindaprocopio's picture
lindaprocopio
Posts: 2022
Joined: Oct 2008

Since I've been up all night with the steroids from my chemo yesterday, I may as well post something I've been thinking about that may help some of you one day.

I remember when I was doing my 1st 6 rounds of adjuvent carbo/taxol followed by radiation back in late 2008/early 2009, and how I counted down the days until "treatment" would be over and I would be in remission and get my life back. Every day of that time I was focused inward on my own health. Everything I ate or drank, when I went to bed, where I went and who I thought was germ-safe enough to be around,..everything was focused around the battle at hand. And then my blissful (but too short) remission and I FINALLY turned my face to the sun and started focusing OUTWARD again on the people I love and the memories to make and good times to squeeze in.

But now I am in treatment again for this latest recurrence, and I have a more realistic view of how VALUABLE time is, I know how FOOLISH I would be to waste any of it focusing so intently again on my health and my cancer battle. THIS time, my treatments are keeping me symptom-free and I'm not LOOKING for symptoms. Because THIS time my treatments and fatigue are just INTERRUPTIONS in an otherwise VERY full and OUTWARD-focused life. Sure, I still drink green tea and eat elements of the anti-cancer diet, but that's because I ALWAYS (life-long) ate a high-fiber largely organic diet anyway. (Lot of good it did me, huh?) So now I NEVER pass up the cheesecake or tiramisu when I'm out for a fancy meal. And now I cuddle up to my grandkids when they are feeling a little sick and baby them, (cause that's what the Nuepogen is for) and that's what a Grandma SHOULD do. And I push through the fatigue to entertain again and to go to concerts and travel and eat out and jump in the pool and expand my garden beds. It's amazing how much LIVING you can pack into a life that includes chemo every Monday and a Nuepogen shot every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, when you are focused OUTWARD on the beauty and joy of each new day and its possibilities. I just want you all to remember that if any of you have a recurrence of your cancer (God forbid). It's heartbreaking to be considered 'incurable', but it's LIBERATING, too! You can LIVE LARGE, and spend your retirement fund $$, and drive fast, and skydive, because even death can't scare you any more, and old age isn't something you have to save for!! HA!

I didn't get my CA125 yet from Monday morning's labs, so I will post that when I know, since I had an interesting informative conversation with my oncologist about what we would do next if it goes up at all, since it only dropped 1/2 point last week.

IS IT MORNING YET?? These sleepless steroid Monday nights have me scurrying around like a noctural animal!! Thank God I took a 2-hour nap as soon as I got back from chemo to take advantage of the benedryl they give me with it. Once that wears off, the steroids have me in 'hamster' mode for the next 30 hours or so. Sorry for the long post; I'm too jazzed to be up alone!!

bea-mil's picture
bea-mil
Posts: 110
Joined: Jun 2010

I know that “liberating” feeling from the day of my diagnoses. The cancer alone had changed me so much. I look at everything from a different perspective. I was afraid of heights, fast driving, public speaking, deep water (you name it) but not anymore. What can be scarier than cancer? NOTHING

I think we, “cancer people” have wiser souls. And you especially are such wise women, and very good person. You are very special, caring for everyone in your life family, friends and us on this board with such passion. You answer to every post/person calling for help, giving advises. You are like an Angel, so please take good care of yourself now, and please, please don’t eat sugar; there are so many other things that you can enjoy. Sugar is a food for cancer and a “drug” for us. I’ve noticed that since I don’t eat anything with sugar for few months now I don’t have cravings for it anymore. Sometimes I find a carrot juice to sweet for me. Giving up a sugar or other harmful things is not a sacrifice, it is a smart decision.

Don’t give up, LIBERATING doesn’t mean stopping taking care of yourself. Our body is a temple for our soul, so take good care of it, don’t force it to do things that you can’t at this moment and don’t eat things that harm you. Please believe that YOU ARE HEALTHY (I know it’s hard when the body aches but at least try it in your meditation). See your healthy body with your heart not the eyes. Visualise every cell in your body being healthy, try it please. You have that power to cure yourself not the doctors. They can only help when you are helping yourself. Everything is possible if you want to. BELIEVE IT, please.

You are beautiful soul.

shortmarge
Posts: 296
Joined: Nov 2008

I think of you everyday. It's hard to believe that we started this journey together almost two years ago.

I too look at life so differently. Although I am cancer free now, who knows what life is going to bring tomorrow. I have done things this year that I never would have before. I took charge of planning a family reunion, before I would have waited for someone else to do it. I went to my cousins birthday party, I would not have done that before. I drank lots of beer and danced my heart out. I love, laugh, dance and sing every chance that I get.

You are my friend, my rock, my sister and there is one thing I would like to do in the near future. I want to meet you in person. I want to give you a real hug and not a cyber hug. I want to laugh, dance and sing with you, to celebrate life!

Live life my friend, enjoy every moment. So many people don't get to see it through our eyes. They forget to stop and smell the roses!!!

MIND, BODY AND SOUL.

Hugs, Marge

pjba11's picture
pjba11
Posts: 192
Joined: Nov 2008

Linda and Marge, Just dropped in for a update and it is not at all what I was thinking it should be. Linda you are such a cancer warrior/sister. Marge I feel exactly like you posted. It would be so inspirational to meet and really get to know each other. The four of us started this and the four of us should meet in person for a reunion!! or better yet... as many of us from this sisterhood that can. How powerful would that be?!! We are all fighting the same beast and together we can become more informed and stronger. Let's form a plan and act on it.... I can feel the hugs already!! POWERFUL HEALING BONDING.......... FOR EVER!!!

Ro10's picture
Ro10
Posts: 1579
Joined: Jan 2009

I love your attitude. You are enjoying life the best you can. Being focused Outward each day is wonderful. I too expanded my daylily collection in the hope of enjoying their new blooms for many years. Last year I did not buy any new plants as I focused on my radiation and chemo. This year I am totally enjoying my gardens.

I too have been spending more time with family and friends. I avoided kids last summer , too, afraid of their germs. But this summer I have been enjoying the great nieces and nephews thoroughly. We have spent our weekends going to visit them.

Tom and I have traveled to places we would have put off before. In September we are going to Niagara Falls and taking a cruise to Canada. We too are trying to live life to the fullest.

I know one of these doctor visits they are going to say it's time to go back on treatment. Until then we are enjoying LIFE. I hope that you continue to enjoy life, too. In peace and caring

nempark
Posts: 683
Joined: Apr 2010

You are soooooo wonderful. I haven't written on board for a long time, but I have been reading all the posts. Linda, I think of you all the time you are loving and very caring, you always take time to write and keep in touch with everyone. May God our wonderful creator give you and all the lovely ladies here the wisdom and courage to endure and to be able to make wise decisions. I often think of your husband and I hope you are also enjoying him. I try my best to be a kind person since my diagnosis but sometimes the imperfect human behavior shows its ugly face and I feel so bad, especially when I yell at my husband. I really wish I can imitate you guys and live and really enjoy every moment of life. May God bless you all. Love June.

Cloud_Lover's picture
Cloud_Lover
Posts: 20
Joined: Dec 2009

Hi,

Today I start my radiation,my reoccurance or maybe they missed it happened a few weeks after my chemo ended and clean scan July 12, 2010. I was like you, after my radical hysterectomy Oct 29, 2009, everything was about eating cancer free foods.

I have been working during my chemo, sometimes more then was good for me but it made me feel strong. The cancer has given me a more forgiving nature, and I try to live Outward as much as possible.

I have not posted for awhile, and looking over these posts I realize how much support and wisdom is here. This post helped relieve the fear I felt about starting radiation. Thank you for sharing.

Ruth

Cloud_Lover's picture
Cloud_Lover
Posts: 20
Joined: Dec 2009

My PET scan showed my lymph nodes lesions have gotten bigger and there is a small tumor in my lung.

Good news is the radiation coverage I started today is expanded to cover the new lymph nodes problem but I'll have to start Chemo again for the lung problem.

It was a shock but I am grateful they found the new cancer before it spread more. It's funny how acceptance of news like that comes in waves, sadness, determination, anger, determinaiton. That's a good place to stop.

I think reading your post first helped, thank you.

Ruth

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