giving up?

heidijez
heidijez Member Posts: 441
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
i cannot believe that i am actually posting this. i have had it - cannot do this any more! i am so sick and tired of being sick and tired!!! the pollyana in me is giving up. i went through 18 weeks of chemo, had a month off, and have been in chemo since. am on ac now, hate what it is doing to me. all i do is work and sleep and go to medical appointments. have not had any fun since november 09. i don't want to do this any more!
«13456

Comments

  • jamiegww
    jamiegww Member Posts: 384
    "as bad as this experience is, it is not as devastating as i thought it would be. also, i never realized what a strong woman i am!"

    I copied this from your profile page. You are a strong woman and you can and will get through this. We all have our weak moments but you can't give up. You are not alone in this battle. We are all rooting for you to beat this disease!
  • CypressCynthia
    CypressCynthia Member Posts: 4,014 Member
    I am so sorry
    I am so sorry for everything that you are going through. I hate, hate this breast cancer beast and I hate what you are suffering. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
  • Aortus
    Aortus Member Posts: 967
    PLEASE hang in there, Heidi!
    I know it's easy for *me* to say, especially now... but it WILL get better. My beloved Moopy was diagnosed with stage IIIa TNBC in 11/2008, exactly a year before you. This time last year, we were 200 miles away from home, in St. Louis, where we spent the entire summer so Moopy could have hyperthermic radiation after her chemo was through. Boy, was she sick and tired of being sick and tired. The zapping finished in mid-August, we moved ourselves and our doggies back home - just in time for her to return to work on September 1.

    On the bright side, Moopster and I just got back last Saturday from an amazing trip to the Bay Area where we drove around, walked around, hung around and generally had a blast. In the picture at left, we're visiting Cannery Row in Monterey. More importantly, Moopy and I were having our life back. I'm neither an oncologist nor a fortune teller, so I can't say for sure. But I really see no reason why you can't get your life back once all these treatments are over. I saw how horrible it could be while Moopy was going through it. But the results are so well worth it. PLEASE hang in there, Heidi! It WILL get better!
  • missrenee
    missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
    It's okay to have a bad day
    After all, we're only human--not superheroes. Feel the motions you are feeling, but then, maybe tomorrow, try to think of all the wonderful things that are in your life right now that are worth fighting for. You can do this--you are a strong, powerful, vibrant woman. Say some prayers (if you're so inclined) and ask for strength, hope and courage.

    We're all pulling for you Heidi--we believe in you.

    Prayers and many hugs,
    Renee
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    missrenee said:

    It's okay to have a bad day
    After all, we're only human--not superheroes. Feel the motions you are feeling, but then, maybe tomorrow, try to think of all the wonderful things that are in your life right now that are worth fighting for. You can do this--you are a strong, powerful, vibrant woman. Say some prayers (if you're so inclined) and ask for strength, hope and courage.

    We're all pulling for you Heidi--we believe in you.

    Prayers and many hugs,
    Renee

    I dont know how many times I
    I dont know how many times I said, I quit, and my husband said "get in the car" it seems endless endless endless. but it the end of treatments will come and you will be glad you made the finish line. then you will feel you've done everything you can. It stinks while you are going through it. but you can and you will finish and live a happy healthy life. Hugs hugs hugs, been there! We get it.
  • weazer
    weazer Member Posts: 440
    carkris said:

    I dont know how many times I
    I dont know how many times I said, I quit, and my husband said "get in the car" it seems endless endless endless. but it the end of treatments will come and you will be glad you made the finish line. then you will feel you've done everything you can. It stinks while you are going through it. but you can and you will finish and live a happy healthy life. Hugs hugs hugs, been there! We get it.

    Hang in there Heidi
    Tomorrow

    Hang in there Heidi
    Tomorrow will be a better day.
    If you can, treat yourself too a massage, and I can say I know how you feel, there was a few times that I said that I don't think I can do this anymore, but here I am, and I know that you will make it.
    Take care sister, and I hope your spirit lifts you soon.
    Karie
  • mwallace1325
    mwallace1325 Member Posts: 806
    Your words sound so familiar
    I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Feel free to come here and vent as much as you need to. They (the medical community) should tell us to expect this feeling at some point during treatment and maybe they're afraid telling us would be a self-fulfilling prophecy. My moment was after the lumpectomy, 4 rounds of A/C and 8 weeks of taxol. I went in for blood work the day before round 9 and burst into tears, telling everyone within earshot that "I quit". I couldn't stand being tired, I hated all the side effects, I was even tired of sleeping and laying around and aside from work, that's all I did. I was so pathetic the nurses ran to get my oncologist and clinical trial nurse. The Dr said I could quit, then I started crying that if I quit was I going to die??? How's that for a moment of mental stability. Anyway, I ended up finishing and I was the talk to the hospital for about two weeks. I was surprised because I figured a break-down was inevitable, but they told me mine came later in treatment than usual.
    Please don't give up. If you choose to stop treatment, do it after careful thought. Perhaps the onc can adjust your dosage or maybe you can take time off work.
    Hope my story at least lets you know you're not alone in feeling like this.
    Now six months after chemo and rads are finished, I'm feeling like the new "normal me" and do actually enjoy the things I used to do and I'm happy to be me again. You will feel better too, I'm just sorry it's not right now for you.

    marge
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
    plan a vacation
    Some others have said what got them thru is a special vacation after treatment is over. That way you've got the vacation to look forward to and you can spend time planning it while in treatment. Hang in there!
  • 2Floridiansisters
    2Floridiansisters Member Posts: 384 Member
    I know how you feel heidi
    I hate all this cancer crap too. I can't even make up my mind which way to go.................I'm sorry you are having a bad day, I hope it gets better for you.
  • Betsy13
    Betsy13 Member Posts: 185
    giving up...
    yep, I am right there with you. I haven't even been at it anywhere near as long as you. I am ready to give up. Finished with radiation on 5/28 and still having shortness of breath. Having a CT scan on Friday to see if it hurt my lungs. I CAN'T take this anymore. It seems all I do is sit and cry. I am angry, frustrated, and depressed. I feel like I am just sitting here and life is going on without me. I have summers off because I'm a teacher and I can't do anything. Glad you had the courage to speak up...
  • 2Floridiansisters
    2Floridiansisters Member Posts: 384 Member
    Betsy13 said:

    giving up...
    yep, I am right there with you. I haven't even been at it anywhere near as long as you. I am ready to give up. Finished with radiation on 5/28 and still having shortness of breath. Having a CT scan on Friday to see if it hurt my lungs. I CAN'T take this anymore. It seems all I do is sit and cry. I am angry, frustrated, and depressed. I feel like I am just sitting here and life is going on without me. I have summers off because I'm a teacher and I can't do anything. Glad you had the courage to speak up...

    Betsy did you have the ...
    shortness of breath before doing the rads, or is this all new? Hearing stuff like this scares me even more, I hate the thought of doing radiation. I wonder if I can just skip it but still get a lumpectomy, heck I'm even willing to do extra chemo if I have to. Cancer sucks.
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member

    Betsy did you have the ...
    shortness of breath before doing the rads, or is this all new? Hearing stuff like this scares me even more, I hate the thought of doing radiation. I wonder if I can just skip it but still get a lumpectomy, heck I'm even willing to do extra chemo if I have to. Cancer sucks.

    Try to take this just one
    Try to take this just one day at a time. It is harder, I think, when you try and project getting through everything. Each day, one at a time. There is a future out there and you will reach it and then you can hopefully look back on this and move one. Aortus and Moopy are right on target and had a tough time and a long row but they have come through it and so will you. I will keep you in my prayers that you gather the strength you need to continue.
    Stef
  • MNLynn
    MNLynn Member Posts: 224
    Heidi,
    One of the important things I came to realize during this bc fight was this: I went through a time when I was so overwhelmed with what was going on that I could not, for the life of me, figure out how I could possibly deal with everything - I wanted to say "Ok, God, I'm going to hand all of this over to you" - but it just didn't seem to work - still felt total desperation and like I was still carrying the whole burden by myself. When I started getting back to work, etc., I kept meeting people - acquaintances, friends, friends of friends, etc. who told me that they had been thinking of me and praying for me - and I realized that - when I thought I tackling this whole thing by myself - I wasn't - there were many who were there alongside me - praying with me.

    I want you to know that we are doing that for you right now - even if you feel like you can't do it on your own anymore, we will hold you up & support you until you feel better!!

    You'll make it through, Heidi . . . and we are there with you.

    With many thoughts & prayers coming your way . . .

    ♥ Lynn ♥
  • jo jo
    jo jo Member Posts: 1,175
    Awh those words are all to
    Awh those words are all to familiar. I did this not long ago, just feeling overwhelmed and sick and tired of being sick and tired and wanted my life back!
    Its ok to have some bad days we wouldnt be human. Do whatever makes you feel better...scream into a pillow or to loud music, lay on the floor like a two year old and throw a tauntrum...whatever it takes, just get it out. Then when your done get up brush yourself off and finish your fight. We are all here supporting you!!!
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
    jo jo said:

    Awh those words are all to
    Awh those words are all to familiar. I did this not long ago, just feeling overwhelmed and sick and tired of being sick and tired and wanted my life back!
    Its ok to have some bad days we wouldnt be human. Do whatever makes you feel better...scream into a pillow or to loud music, lay on the floor like a two year old and throw a tauntrum...whatever it takes, just get it out. Then when your done get up brush yourself off and finish your fight. We are all here supporting you!!!

    Oh how well we know how your
    Oh how well we know how your feeling. I am so tired of the white coats. I also have been in treatment since April 09. It just never seems to end. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I can see it coming. I will be done with all treatment except tamoxifen in September. Hang in there, we all have bad days when were sick and tired of being sick. hugs
  • Jean 0609
    Jean 0609 Member Posts: 2,462
    Hang in there sista!
    You are a very strong woman and you can beat this beast!!!!! I know you can. If possible, make some plans just to escape for a couple hours or couple days. Maybe new scenery (like a beach or mountains) will do you good. If not, I love the idea of a massage! Oh how I would love to have one right about now. Take care and keep in touch. We are all here for you. Sending thoughts & prayers your way. Hugs, Jean
  • pdv
    pdv Member Posts: 56
    MNLynn said:

    Heidi,
    One of the important things I came to realize during this bc fight was this: I went through a time when I was so overwhelmed with what was going on that I could not, for the life of me, figure out how I could possibly deal with everything - I wanted to say "Ok, God, I'm going to hand all of this over to you" - but it just didn't seem to work - still felt total desperation and like I was still carrying the whole burden by myself. When I started getting back to work, etc., I kept meeting people - acquaintances, friends, friends of friends, etc. who told me that they had been thinking of me and praying for me - and I realized that - when I thought I tackling this whole thing by myself - I wasn't - there were many who were there alongside me - praying with me.

    I want you to know that we are doing that for you right now - even if you feel like you can't do it on your own anymore, we will hold you up & support you until you feel better!!

    You'll make it through, Heidi . . . and we are there with you.

    With many thoughts & prayers coming your way . . .

    ♥ Lynn ♥

    I couldn't agree more
    with you MNLynn. Heidi...during this whole process I have found people...family, friends, strangers...who have been praying for me and healing all during his process. I didn't even know that anyone would even care except my family & close friends. I get cards of encouragement, phone calls, emails, etc all the time.

    This is my gift from God who is telling me I am not alone. He has sent all these people to help and encourage. He sent you to this website for all of us to say you are cared about. You have come so far...so a little longer. After each treatment tell yourself "I am going to take just one more." Then before you know it you will be finished. Don't look to far down the road because sometimes that road is just too long. Remember...just think about that one treatment at a time.
  • cahjah75
    cahjah75 Member Posts: 2,631
    No tears until
    I read Heidi's and Marge's posts): I have been taking everything in and haven't shed one tear since being dx with bc 2 months ago.(I went through my depression after breaking both shoulders and getting a bone infection 3 years ago! A PA came into my hospital room and I broke down in tears!) I haven't started chemo yet but after reading your posts the desolute feelings started flooding back. Feeling helpless is awful! I can just see myself reaching that breaking point. I wish you the strength to get through this. Celebrate how far you've come. Hopefully there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sending {{hugs}}.
    Char
  • mom62
    mom62 Member Posts: 604 Member
    Giving Up
    Well girlfriend I've been there myself. I havent' felt good since November 19th, 2008. I'm up for another surgery the end of this month. I am a two time cancer survivor with bone mets, but the surgery I had last year (they put some mesh in) didn't work and I keep getting infections. I've had days when I give up and just cry all day. Make sure you get mental help. I see a therapist and phychiatrist (sp) and am on medication which has helped somewhat.
    Just try to take it one day at a time, you can't predict the future you can only live it. This will be my 6th surgery in the past year and I also have rhuematoid arthritis which is really bad right now too. Take a deep breath watch a funny movie and have a glass of wine. Try going on a weekend away anything to take you mind off it for a short time, it helps. Best of luck to you
  • sea60
    sea60 Member Posts: 2,613
    Keep repeating to yourself
    "This too shall pass" and believe it!

    We know what you're going through and feel your pain & frustration. I recall using those exact words..."I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired".

    Can you take off a few Fridays so you can rest? Then maybe invite a few friends over that night and rent a movie or have dinner? Maybe take a 3 day weekend and go somewhere...anywhere. My point is, you'll have to make yourself do something that's NOT working, sleeping or going to the doctors.

    Praying for you,

    Sylvia