Feeling guilty....
Comments
-
Normal
Your feelings are very normal in your very un-normal world. Of course you are mourning the life you had before this terrible disease took over your life. Try to find someone to help out long enough for you to have some time for yourself. Ask a friend of your husband to come visit your husband for an hour or so. If you can't think of anyone, see about hiring a home health worker for a few hours each week. The number one rule of care giving, and the hardest one to follow, is take care of yourself. Even if you want to stay close by, having someone else sitting with your husband may give you some freedom to do something you want to do just for you. It is very hard to watch our husband's pain and weakness and not be able to fix them. It hurts and is oh,so, frustrating. Don't feel bad or guilty for wanting your old life back. My husband passed away last year after a six year battle with colon cancer. I felt all the things you are describing. It is normal, whatever that is. Take care, Fay0 -
don't feel guilty
Of course we all want our lives back. A vacation? What's that? Goofing off with friends? I remember about a year ago...So don't feel guilty, but do think about hospice help. Perhaps your belief that it will upset your husband is flawed. Maybe instead he will feel relieved that both of you are getting the help you need. Think about it.
Some days being caregiver is like being in prison, other days it feels like the best job on earth. Good luck with this day.0 -
I feel the same
Hi,
I have never posted on this board before. My dad has just finished treatment for tongue cancer. Today we found out he may need to have surgery and it made me feel so upset and I started feeling the same way you do about not being able to do anything. Then I felt so guilty, which just added to my bad day.
I feel like all I do is get up take fix breakfast, do the stuff around the house like take out the garbage, and mow, then get ready to work from 2-10 at night. Then come home a repeat the whole process. I hav enot been shopping or done anything fun for myself sinc March.
If I do something at work that is fun I feel guilty. I understand how you feel because it is the same with me.
Everyone tells me to take care of myself, but I don't know when I would.
Kathy0 -
Take care of who?Pumakitty said:I feel the same
Hi,
I have never posted on this board before. My dad has just finished treatment for tongue cancer. Today we found out he may need to have surgery and it made me feel so upset and I started feeling the same way you do about not being able to do anything. Then I felt so guilty, which just added to my bad day.
I feel like all I do is get up take fix breakfast, do the stuff around the house like take out the garbage, and mow, then get ready to work from 2-10 at night. Then come home a repeat the whole process. I hav enot been shopping or done anything fun for myself sinc March.
If I do something at work that is fun I feel guilty. I understand how you feel because it is the same with me.
Everyone tells me to take care of myself, but I don't know when I would.
Kathy
Exactly! It seems like we should start by getting some help, if nothing else, a friend to stop by for a little while to sit in the house w/the patient in case anything happens. Then to go and do just a little something for ourselves. I'd be happy to just get out for a walk with the dog, or just a drive, so I think I will take the suggestion and try to get someone to do that. I just hope I won't feel too guilty afterwards! Caregivers need to realize that life goes on no matter what and I guess we can either mire ourselves down with guilt and depression, or be the best we can for both ourselves and our loved ones. I guess if we are down, the ones we care for will feel that and feel bad too.
Good luck to you and your Dad, and my prayers are with you!
Gayle0 -
You're great grandmafay!!!!grandmafay said:Normal
Your feelings are very normal in your very un-normal world. Of course you are mourning the life you had before this terrible disease took over your life. Try to find someone to help out long enough for you to have some time for yourself. Ask a friend of your husband to come visit your husband for an hour or so. If you can't think of anyone, see about hiring a home health worker for a few hours each week. The number one rule of care giving, and the hardest one to follow, is take care of yourself. Even if you want to stay close by, having someone else sitting with your husband may give you some freedom to do something you want to do just for you. It is very hard to watch our husband's pain and weakness and not be able to fix them. It hurts and is oh,so, frustrating. Don't feel bad or guilty for wanting your old life back. My husband passed away last year after a six year battle with colon cancer. I felt all the things you are describing. It is normal, whatever that is. Take care, Fay
You're great grandmafay!!!! Thanks for you words of wisdom and experience...it helps!
Bless you, Gayle0 -
Kathy and Gaylelilli1020 said:Take care of who?
Exactly! It seems like we should start by getting some help, if nothing else, a friend to stop by for a little while to sit in the house w/the patient in case anything happens. Then to go and do just a little something for ourselves. I'd be happy to just get out for a walk with the dog, or just a drive, so I think I will take the suggestion and try to get someone to do that. I just hope I won't feel too guilty afterwards! Caregivers need to realize that life goes on no matter what and I guess we can either mire ourselves down with guilt and depression, or be the best we can for both ourselves and our loved ones. I guess if we are down, the ones we care for will feel that and feel bad too.
Good luck to you and your Dad, and my prayers are with you!
Gayle
I hear what you are saying and I do understand. Taking care of yourself is really the hardest thing to do, but you really do need to do that. We found that friends really did want to help but didn't know how. They also didn't want to bother us or get in the way. Some actually thanked me when we did start asking for help. I asked for drivers at our church, and five minutes after service, I had a list of about 10 people. Doug was determined and was actually getting out for lunch ( not eating much) with friends until just a few days before he died. He didn't care if he had to use a walker or a wheelchair. That made it easier for me. Getting him in and out of the car was a chore, but being with friends was good for both of us. The last couple of weeks, I did hire a home health worker to come once a week. I never went far usually grocery shopping or running errands. I spent much of that time at home just doing the things I enjoy. It was a nice break. With cell phones it is easy to keep in touch, so as long as I was nearby, I knew I could back quickly if needed. Doug's battle lasted 6 years with 4 surgeries and several different chemos. He had good times, and we were able to do a lot of things on his bucket list, but there were many stay at home, lonely, and caregiving times, too. I learned how important it was to find some me time. As hard as it is to do that, please try. Take care, Fay0 -
You are preaching to the
You are preaching to the choir Lilli! I at times feel so sorry for myself - only Mother Teresa did more! I feel like a chameleon of pill pusher, negotiator, financial planner, and errand boy. (What happened to sex symbol?????) I joined a running club, we meet twice a week and the trainers have us stretch and prepare us for an upcoming 10k run in early August. What this does is helps me physically, emotionally, and simply gets me into a different environment for a short time, it forces me to change my thought process. I am not suggesting you go out and train for a marathon, (You are in one already in some respects) but it is SO important to be involved in something that temporality shifts your vision, it has helped me tremendously.0 -
So true....I am getting backdavid54 said:You are preaching to the
You are preaching to the choir Lilli! I at times feel so sorry for myself - only Mother Teresa did more! I feel like a chameleon of pill pusher, negotiator, financial planner, and errand boy. (What happened to sex symbol?????) I joined a running club, we meet twice a week and the trainers have us stretch and prepare us for an upcoming 10k run in early August. What this does is helps me physically, emotionally, and simply gets me into a different environment for a short time, it forces me to change my thought process. I am not suggesting you go out and train for a marathon, (You are in one already in some respects) but it is SO important to be involved in something that temporality shifts your vision, it has helped me tremendously.
So true....I am getting back into my Zumba class starting tonight because exercise really makes me feel so much better in the end. Just getting out and reconnecting w/healthy people helps me too, tho I feel so bad for Doug when I get back home and check on him and realize how much he would have loved to go out as well. It seems that "back to reality" just sucks so much, but my role as caregiver is steady and I just have to keep my emotions in check. My daughter is training for a triathalon so I am living vicariously through her...I love hearing her talk about these goals for the future, one that her Dad may not see, but like I said...'life goes on'...and so will I!
Thanks!0 -
From the patient's perspective
I am a cancer survivor - my husband has been my primary caregiver, and as I just had more surgery, he is once again doing everything while I heal. Fortunately, this is much easier than the last round, where I came home from a month in the hospital literally unable to lift a finger, knocking on death's door.
Never feel guilty about wanting time for yourself, about wishing for your life back. It's healthy, and I feel better when David can get out and do the things he enjoys. I've had a companion during the days for the past couple of weeks - I would have preferred having David, but he's needed to work and play. He stayed with me in the hospital for 5 days, and has done everything for me. He needs his life, and from a selfish perspective, by taking care of himself, he can take better care of me.
Take care of yourselves (all caregivers) and know that you are appreciated and loved. We couldn't survive without you.
Thank you.0 -
You are a very thoughtfulabrub said:From the patient's perspective
I am a cancer survivor - my husband has been my primary caregiver, and as I just had more surgery, he is once again doing everything while I heal. Fortunately, this is much easier than the last round, where I came home from a month in the hospital literally unable to lift a finger, knocking on death's door.
Never feel guilty about wanting time for yourself, about wishing for your life back. It's healthy, and I feel better when David can get out and do the things he enjoys. I've had a companion during the days for the past couple of weeks - I would have preferred having David, but he's needed to work and play. He stayed with me in the hospital for 5 days, and has done everything for me. He needs his life, and from a selfish perspective, by taking care of himself, he can take better care of me.
Take care of yourselves (all caregivers) and know that you are appreciated and loved. We couldn't survive without you.
Thank you.
You are a very thoughtful and loving spouse and I am glad to know that you feel that way. Best of luck to you and your family and your journey through this thing called cancer. My prayers are with you as well!0 -
Thanks Abrubabrub said:From the patient's perspective
I am a cancer survivor - my husband has been my primary caregiver, and as I just had more surgery, he is once again doing everything while I heal. Fortunately, this is much easier than the last round, where I came home from a month in the hospital literally unable to lift a finger, knocking on death's door.
Never feel guilty about wanting time for yourself, about wishing for your life back. It's healthy, and I feel better when David can get out and do the things he enjoys. I've had a companion during the days for the past couple of weeks - I would have preferred having David, but he's needed to work and play. He stayed with me in the hospital for 5 days, and has done everything for me. He needs his life, and from a selfish perspective, by taking care of himself, he can take better care of me.
Take care of yourselves (all caregivers) and know that you are appreciated and loved. We couldn't survive without you.
Thank you.
I feel guilty a lot too. I am spending time at a spa this week instead of with my mother starting her next line of chemo for Ovarian cancer...I told her I was thinking about her everyday and she e-mailed me back and said "stop thinking about me, I want you to have your life" and she means it....She said she knows I'm there if she needs me. From her perspective she wants to be as independent as possible as it makes her feel better. I think we caretakers impose so much on ourselves...and our loved ones don't necessarily want us to give all that...It's a tough balance I think...I guess what matters most is that we all know we care about each other and are trying the best we can to manage this dreaded disease...I really appreciate the comments in this thread.0 -
don't feel guilty!
Don't feel guilty, just dont quit!
My husband quit on me, saying he wasnt happy and I had changed. I was 32, with 2 small daughters, when I was diagnosed the first time. That was 2006, in 2007 another and different cancer, 2008 yet another different cancer. 2009, my husband of 15 yrs leaves his family, because he's not happy anymore.
Please dont feel guilty about wanting to do the other things you used to do. I am sure your husband would want you to be happy. I am sure he already feels like a burden, so be happy! I would never want my ex husband to be unhappy, I just never thought he would disregard marriage vows, commitment, family. By him leaving his family, he disrupted our lives on so many levels. The biggest were probably abandonment and feeling unloved. If he would have just stuck it out...
So here's my advice, Hire someone to come in, find a friend to come in. Even if it's just a few short hours, or a weekend if you need it. Your cancer partner would Feel horrible if he knew how you felt. As a cancer patient we are often miserable, sick, uncomfortable, vulnerable, and unhappy. But our spouse is not, and we would never wish that on our spouse!
So do the little things that make you happy. YOu need to stay happy and healthy, and that will make your husband happy. A happy wife, is a happy home!!
But please, please don't ever give up on him, or your marriage... it can be far worse then any of the cancer crap!
God Bless you and stay strong!!!0 -
Guilty
I am my wife's caregiver. She was diagnosed with sclc this Jan and I too felt guilty wanting to take time for myself. I learned through many of the postings and my own experience the importance to take care of myself. My thought process is, if I do not concentrate in ensuring that I am of sound mind, body and spirit, I would not be able to be there for my wife 100%. It is not easy at times, but I try one day at a time to do something for me.
Unfortunately, my wife does not have friends to come over to keep her company while I go to play golf, go to the gym or to work, and she does not feel comfortable with my friends wives, so she fully depends on me. Working has helped some and going to gym for a hour as well, but the guilty feeling every once in awhile tries to sneak in and again I discount it by concentrating on the reason why I need to take time for me.
Best wishes to all.0 -
The last thing in the worldkc24648 said:don't feel guilty!
Don't feel guilty, just dont quit!
My husband quit on me, saying he wasnt happy and I had changed. I was 32, with 2 small daughters, when I was diagnosed the first time. That was 2006, in 2007 another and different cancer, 2008 yet another different cancer. 2009, my husband of 15 yrs leaves his family, because he's not happy anymore.
Please dont feel guilty about wanting to do the other things you used to do. I am sure your husband would want you to be happy. I am sure he already feels like a burden, so be happy! I would never want my ex husband to be unhappy, I just never thought he would disregard marriage vows, commitment, family. By him leaving his family, he disrupted our lives on so many levels. The biggest were probably abandonment and feeling unloved. If he would have just stuck it out...
So here's my advice, Hire someone to come in, find a friend to come in. Even if it's just a few short hours, or a weekend if you need it. Your cancer partner would Feel horrible if he knew how you felt. As a cancer patient we are often miserable, sick, uncomfortable, vulnerable, and unhappy. But our spouse is not, and we would never wish that on our spouse!
So do the little things that make you happy. YOu need to stay happy and healthy, and that will make your husband happy. A happy wife, is a happy home!!
But please, please don't ever give up on him, or your marriage... it can be far worse then any of the cancer crap!
God Bless you and stay strong!!!
The last thing in the world I would do would be to desert him now....I never would anyway...he is my life, soulmate, best friend...etc. I cannot believe your husband did what he did to your family and I feel for you. I hope you had good friends and family who took his place. You know how karma can be, so he will get his! I pray for you and your children and there is a special place in heaven that God has for you. Keep the faith and I will too. Thanks for taking the time to write.
Bless you, Gayle0 -
The last thing in the worldkc24648 said:don't feel guilty!
Don't feel guilty, just dont quit!
My husband quit on me, saying he wasnt happy and I had changed. I was 32, with 2 small daughters, when I was diagnosed the first time. That was 2006, in 2007 another and different cancer, 2008 yet another different cancer. 2009, my husband of 15 yrs leaves his family, because he's not happy anymore.
Please dont feel guilty about wanting to do the other things you used to do. I am sure your husband would want you to be happy. I am sure he already feels like a burden, so be happy! I would never want my ex husband to be unhappy, I just never thought he would disregard marriage vows, commitment, family. By him leaving his family, he disrupted our lives on so many levels. The biggest were probably abandonment and feeling unloved. If he would have just stuck it out...
So here's my advice, Hire someone to come in, find a friend to come in. Even if it's just a few short hours, or a weekend if you need it. Your cancer partner would Feel horrible if he knew how you felt. As a cancer patient we are often miserable, sick, uncomfortable, vulnerable, and unhappy. But our spouse is not, and we would never wish that on our spouse!
So do the little things that make you happy. YOu need to stay happy and healthy, and that will make your husband happy. A happy wife, is a happy home!!
But please, please don't ever give up on him, or your marriage... it can be far worse then any of the cancer crap!
God Bless you and stay strong!!!
The last thing in the world I would do would be to desert him now....I never would anyway...he is my life, soulmate, best friend...etc. I cannot believe your husband did what he did to your family and I feel for you. I hope you had good friends and family who took his place. You know how karma can be, so he will get his! I pray for you and your children and there is a special place in heaven that God has for you. Keep the faith and I will too. Thanks for taking the time to write.
Bless you, Gayle0 -
The last thing in the worldkc24648 said:don't feel guilty!
Don't feel guilty, just dont quit!
My husband quit on me, saying he wasnt happy and I had changed. I was 32, with 2 small daughters, when I was diagnosed the first time. That was 2006, in 2007 another and different cancer, 2008 yet another different cancer. 2009, my husband of 15 yrs leaves his family, because he's not happy anymore.
Please dont feel guilty about wanting to do the other things you used to do. I am sure your husband would want you to be happy. I am sure he already feels like a burden, so be happy! I would never want my ex husband to be unhappy, I just never thought he would disregard marriage vows, commitment, family. By him leaving his family, he disrupted our lives on so many levels. The biggest were probably abandonment and feeling unloved. If he would have just stuck it out...
So here's my advice, Hire someone to come in, find a friend to come in. Even if it's just a few short hours, or a weekend if you need it. Your cancer partner would Feel horrible if he knew how you felt. As a cancer patient we are often miserable, sick, uncomfortable, vulnerable, and unhappy. But our spouse is not, and we would never wish that on our spouse!
So do the little things that make you happy. YOu need to stay happy and healthy, and that will make your husband happy. A happy wife, is a happy home!!
But please, please don't ever give up on him, or your marriage... it can be far worse then any of the cancer crap!
God Bless you and stay strong!!!
The last thing in the world I would do would be to desert him now....I never would anyway...he is my life, soulmate, best friend...etc. I cannot believe your husband did what he did to your family and I feel for you. I hope you had good friends and family who took his place. You know how karma can be, so he will get his! I pray for you and your children and there is a special place in heaven that God has for you. Keep the faith and I will too. Thanks for taking the time to write.
Bless you, Gayle0 -
I know how you feel. Mycrick said:Guilty
I am my wife's caregiver. She was diagnosed with sclc this Jan and I too felt guilty wanting to take time for myself. I learned through many of the postings and my own experience the importance to take care of myself. My thought process is, if I do not concentrate in ensuring that I am of sound mind, body and spirit, I would not be able to be there for my wife 100%. It is not easy at times, but I try one day at a time to do something for me.
Unfortunately, my wife does not have friends to come over to keep her company while I go to play golf, go to the gym or to work, and she does not feel comfortable with my friends wives, so she fully depends on me. Working has helped some and going to gym for a hour as well, but the guilty feeling every once in awhile tries to sneak in and again I discount it by concentrating on the reason why I need to take time for me.
Best wishes to all.
I know how you feel. My husband has many friends, but he just does not feel like interacting w/them right now. Family comes and goes and he tolerates them but feels most comfortable with me...and that's OK...This is where I need to be and I love him too much to be anywhere else. This is what is wearing me out though...not physically but emotionally. I am physically exhausted from stress and worry. I need more exercise every day but find it hard to leave the house when he may need me on a moments notice. It is a hard place to be...I guess we just have to be strong. I pray and hope the answers will come. I dont have the answers, just keep on doing what I do each day and hope and pray for strength....naps help too. My best to you and if you find the answer we are searching for, please let me in on it!!!
Blessings, Gayle0 -
I felt happylilli1020 said:You're great grandmafay!!!!
You're great grandmafay!!!! Thanks for you words of wisdom and experience...it helps!
Bless you, Gayle
every free moment I spent with my father. He had stomach cancer and surgery Dec 08. When my brother and mom would visit my dad at the hospital in the afternoon, I would have already taken the bus and seen him, visited my dad with my brother and mom, and after dinner, take the bus again to see him. I wanted to tell him he was loved. For the next six months, recovery was good. I spent every day off with him. I tired to cheat and while only back maybe five days from the hospital, I asked if he would miss me for a day while I took a quick overnight trip. As every good father, he said to go on the trip. The day of the trip, he said, "Don't you want to take care of me?" Of course, I stayed, lost the airfare, but had one extra day with my father. Not to make it sad, but my father passed Sept 09. I would do anything or give all my money to a stranger to have him here again.0 -
YOU BET WE DO!!!ITS JUST
YOU BET WE DO!!!ITS JUST PART OF THE CANCER, I HAD A MELT DOWN WE HAVE BEEN FIGHTING THIS CANCER SENSE 2004, WHEN U GET TO THE POINT U WISH U WERE THE ONE THAT HAD IT, THEN THEY COULD DO LAUNDRY,PAYING BILLS,CLEAN HOUSE SCHDULE ALL DOCS APPT,CHANGE OIL IN CAR, GO THROUFH ALL OF INS FORMS, TAKE DOGS TO VET, WELL I KNOW U GET THE MESSAGE, SOOO WHAT I DID I WENT ON A VACATION FOR 9 DAYS, AND IF U DONT THINK I GOT CRAP FROM HIS FAMILY!! I ARANGED FOR ONE OF HIS KIDS TO COME AND STAY WITH HIM, HE WAS MORE THAN WILLING, LET ME TELL U I GOT ON THAT PLANE AND LEFT THE WORLDS BEHIND.,
I CAME BK A NEW PERSON, AND READY TO FACE THE WORLD AGAIN, ALL CAREGIVERS U HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF IN ORDER TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR LOVED ONE, BUT WHOEVER TALKS ABOUT ME AND WHAT A SELFISH ACT, "THEY ARE NEVER AROUND, NOR ARE THEY 24-7 CAREGIVERS.0
Discussion Boards
- All Discussion Boards
- 6 CSN Information
- 6 Welcome to CSN
- 121.6K Cancer specific
- 2.8K Anal Cancer
- 446 Bladder Cancer
- 308 Bone Cancers
- 1.6K Brain Cancer
- 28.5K Breast Cancer
- 395 Childhood Cancers
- 27.9K Colorectal Cancer
- 4.6K Esophageal Cancer
- 1.2K Gynecological Cancers (other than ovarian and uterine)
- 13K Head and Neck Cancer
- 6.3K Kidney Cancer
- 671 Leukemia
- 791 Liver Cancer
- 4.1K Lung Cancer
- 5.1K Lymphoma (Hodgkin and Non-Hodgkin)
- 234 Multiple Myeloma
- 7.1K Ovarian Cancer
- 56 Pancreatic Cancer
- 487 Peritoneal Cancer
- 5.4K Prostate Cancer
- 1.2K Rare and Other Cancers
- 534 Sarcoma
- 719 Skin Cancer
- 646 Stomach Cancer
- 190 Testicular Cancer
- 1.5K Thyroid Cancer
- 5.9K Uterine/Endometrial Cancer
- 6.3K Lifestyle Discussion Boards