Wife had a bilateral
She wanted to put on the $90 mastectomy shirt. She had a bilateral, 2 drains....and she took the hospital gown off
She saw herself in the mirror and freaked....I hate to say, I saw her chest and got a "feeling". Doesnt mean I am splitting,,,,,just got a "moment".
Make sense?
Greggie.
scared, afraid, pertrafied, hiding in the corner
Comments
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aw Greg,im glad the surgery
aw Greg,im glad the surgery went fine.
The "new look" takes time to adjust to~for both of you. It's a big shock for a woman to look down and see nothing but flatness and scars where her breasts used to be.
Has she chosen to reconstruct at all?
Wishing you and your wife a speedy recovery and warm thoughts and gentle hugs
Kay0 -
give yourselves some time to adjust
I did not look at myself for a couple of days after surgery, and even then avoided the total "look in the mirror" since I knew it would be shocking and emotional......this is a lot to deal with and it all takes time. We just all have to keep focused on the battle and not the battle scars.
Sending good wishes your way.......... the shock and fear will be replaced with the will to fight this disease and win! Good luck to both of you................keep us posted0 -
Your honestcavediver said:give yourselves some time to adjust
I did not look at myself for a couple of days after surgery, and even then avoided the total "look in the mirror" since I knew it would be shocking and emotional......this is a lot to deal with and it all takes time. We just all have to keep focused on the battle and not the battle scars.
Sending good wishes your way.......... the shock and fear will be replaced with the will to fight this disease and win! Good luck to both of you................keep us posted
I am thinking of you both during this time of acceptance. Not easy looking at ourselves for the first time never really thought of it must be like for my partner, you certainly make me think. Some of us are really attached to our beauty and female body parts and this must be very difficult to wrap one's brain around.
I am very grateful we have hubbies here being honest about their feelings giving us all some insight we might never have had. Thanks you Greg and know that something might have been wrong with you had you not had some reaction to such a sight...
Now comes the time for truly accepting things as they are and that will take time since the phantom reminds us of what we have lost and that is difficult sometimes to cope with.
Know that it does get better and with your love and understanding she will be able to get to where she also needs to be.
Thanks Greg and know you and your wife are close at heart,
Tara0 -
I think that having come
I think that having come from a family of BCers with no reconstructs it was easier for me to feel comfy with my bilateral after look! I agree it is a different look and is a shock to someone who has never seen this. My mother's first mastectomy left such huge long scars because that is how they did it in the 70's..so these neat little straight across lines are so much nicer. My shock was looking down at my tummy and thinking "whoa" when did you stop being toned and flat!!
So now that is my goal to get that body part in good shape.
Anyway, do not be hard on yourself for having the shocked surprised feelings about this change, from reading your postings I know you will continue to be supportive. My uncle also, continued to adore my aunt after her bilaterals, and continued to find her sexy and desirable...her cancer was 13 hrs ago.
My husband was not comfortable with the drains in look but has no problem with my scars. I think you will find that those drains in are a major part of the visual effect feelings.
Good luck on this journey and continue to talk about your feelings-that is how we work things out.
Best wishes,
Brenda0 -
Greg, I didn't have this
Greg, I didn't have this surgery but can only imagine the shock of the first "look". I would hope that with time, as with anything else, that acceptance comes into play. I am sending strength and a gentle (((hug))) for your wife. Take care of her physically and emotionally and both of you will come out on the other side a closer couple. Keep posting and let us know how you are both doing. Take care.0 -
Hi Greg,MyTurnNow said:Greg, I didn't have this
Greg, I didn't have this surgery but can only imagine the shock of the first "look". I would hope that with time, as with anything else, that acceptance comes into play. I am sending strength and a gentle (((hug))) for your wife. Take care of her physically and emotionally and both of you will come out on the other side a closer couple. Keep posting and let us know how you are both doing. Take care.
Boy you are both really brave for looking right after in the hospital! It took me 3 days of sneaking peaks before I did a full frontal look. In fact I would shower and dress with my eyes straight forward. When I did look it was ok. I'm still surprised sometimes when I'm getting dressed and look in the mirrow and see myself. I'm so used to it that I sometimes forget. My husband's face never showed any sad emotion, he was busy helping me with the dreaded drain! But also his mom died with bc when he was 11 yrs old and he remembers her, and then his first wife died, bc and he said her incision went from under her arm (and down her arm) to all the way down her chest past her waist. That was how it was done in 1966. So Iguess I look like a model compared to that.
I hope she will feel a little better soon, once the drains are out you definitely physically fee better. You are doing great, and of course you had a "moment". It's to be exected, your love of your life, your wife has just been thru something very life changing and it is a shock to see them so hurt, but she is very lucky to have you there on her team. It means the world to me to know that my husband only cares about me, not my missing boob and it will to your wife too.
Hope you both feel better soon. Keep us posted.
Hugs, Judy :-)0 -
I'm sorry your wife or any
I'm sorry your wife or any other woman has to go thru this sugery, and hopefully cancer and surgeries like this one will be the thing of the past. Take care of her and yourself. I wish the two of you the best.0 -
Poor guy!
HI Greg,
Glad to hear the surgery went well. Very upset to hear that both you and your wife were allowed to have that first look with no prep or help from the staff.
I also had a freak out when I looked, but I made a point to not look for at least a week afterwards. And then I did freak....at first I said "Oh, blu, what have you done to yourself now? God is SO not gonna like this!" (I don't know why, but in moments of stress, I'm totally in 3rd grade Catholic school, on my way to see Mother Superior for behaviour issues, LOL) And then I reminded myself that I had the surgery to save my life, and I was ok with it. As for hubby, I just said "Hey, look at this!" and flashed him, then walked away. We were both laughing, as I am notorious for my modesty. He was fine with it, he's always told me "One boob, one leg, one arm...I don't care, as long as you're still YOU and HERE!"
I was and am very angry that the hospital staff did not do more to prep me and others for that moment. They should tell you, before surgery and all the good drugs, a day and a time when *they* will help you and your wife look for the first time. That way, it's not such a shock. That way, there will be a professional standing next to you, telling you that yes, that's the way it's supposed to look, and didn't the surgeon do a fine job, and those scars will go away...in other words, they should be there to soothe you thru a very difficult moment.
And don't be feeling bad because you're human! You guys have now been through the worst, (well, about those drains...) and it's ok for you to be scared. Try thinking of her surgery as step 1 in the journey to save your woman! You're doing fine, it will be ok. You'll have those "moments", and then they'll pass. It's gonna be ok. Now, get some sleep!
[insert very platonic hug here]0 -
Different Boatbluwillo said:Poor guy!
HI Greg,
Glad to hear the surgery went well. Very upset to hear that both you and your wife were allowed to have that first look with no prep or help from the staff.
I also had a freak out when I looked, but I made a point to not look for at least a week afterwards. And then I did freak....at first I said "Oh, blu, what have you done to yourself now? God is SO not gonna like this!" (I don't know why, but in moments of stress, I'm totally in 3rd grade Catholic school, on my way to see Mother Superior for behaviour issues, LOL) And then I reminded myself that I had the surgery to save my life, and I was ok with it. As for hubby, I just said "Hey, look at this!" and flashed him, then walked away. We were both laughing, as I am notorious for my modesty. He was fine with it, he's always told me "One boob, one leg, one arm...I don't care, as long as you're still YOU and HERE!"
I was and am very angry that the hospital staff did not do more to prep me and others for that moment. They should tell you, before surgery and all the good drugs, a day and a time when *they* will help you and your wife look for the first time. That way, it's not such a shock. That way, there will be a professional standing next to you, telling you that yes, that's the way it's supposed to look, and didn't the surgeon do a fine job, and those scars will go away...in other words, they should be there to soothe you thru a very difficult moment.
And don't be feeling bad because you're human! You guys have now been through the worst, (well, about those drains...) and it's ok for you to be scared. Try thinking of her surgery as step 1 in the journey to save your woman! You're doing fine, it will be ok. You'll have those "moments", and then they'll pass. It's gonna be ok. Now, get some sleep!
[insert very platonic hug here]
Hi Greg,
I know we are sort of in the same boat, but not on this one, yours is rougher this time. Glad the surgery went well. I sent you a private message, don't know if you saw it.
Thank you Blu for the laugh: God is SO not gonna like this!0 -
Glad surgery went wellHope 2010 said:Glad the surgery went fine.
Glad the surgery went fine. Wishing for a speedy recovery. (((hugs)))
unfortunately, you have to look, because you need to take care of surgical site, change dressing and pour and measure liquid from the drains. It is tough, but your primary focus should be on healing process. Surgery just the first step. It is a major surgery and recovery is very important. Make her laugh if you can.
I had mastectomy with DIEP reconstruction, my husband helped me with drains and changed my dressing.
As for t-shirt, why she does not using buttoned shirt?
Wishing her speedy recovery.0 -
Greg -
If I recall, your wife was having some trouble getting coverage for the bilateral so I'm glad that she was able to work it out for the surgery she was most comfortable with. And if she went home with only two drains, it sounds like it all went well (I had 5 in but that was also increased because of the tissue expanders so not sure if your wife had the same). I knew this was going to tough to get used to so I looked at a lot of pictures (and my plastic surgeon showed me a lot) so I knew what to expect - not that it didn't make that first look tough because it was on me instead of photo). As the others said, it will take time to adjust and it will get better with time. Try to focus on the fact that you both did the best you could to wipe this dreaded disease out of her so she can be happy and healthy again and know that in time you will adapt to the "visual." I hope the recovery goes well for you all and thanks for the update!
Chris0 -
Hubbie hasn't seen my chest since bilateral
Yeah. First time I've admitted that. Got bilateral with expanders in January. Hubbie is sweet and loyal but very squeamish. As in, couldn't change diapers, can't kill bugs, can't handle blood squeamish. Too perfectionist, too, I have to say.
BC made me super sad because my breasts were the only part of my aging body that still looked young, the only part that hubbie complimented. To lose them -- not fair!
I about fainted the first time I saw myself post surgery. Can't imagine hubbie not being repelled by my frankenstein chest. Maybe when I get expanders out and implants in it'll be better. (yeah, right). Would nipples help? Don't know.
I can go through the rest of our intimate life in a silky chemise. I'm thinking that may be best for our marriage. Life goes on. Could be worse.
So, I admire any mate who's being helpful in these situations. Bless ya.0 -
Sincem-star said:aw Greg,im glad the surgery
aw Greg,im glad the surgery went fine.
The "new look" takes time to adjust to~for both of you. It's a big shock for a woman to look down and see nothing but flatness and scars where her breasts used to be.
Has she chosen to reconstruct at all?
Wishing you and your wife a speedy recovery and warm thoughts and gentle hugs
Kay
she will have to have radiation, the Onc advised against recontruction at this time.0 -
Thanks everyoneChristine Louise said:Hubbie hasn't seen my chest since bilateral
Yeah. First time I've admitted that. Got bilateral with expanders in January. Hubbie is sweet and loyal but very squeamish. As in, couldn't change diapers, can't kill bugs, can't handle blood squeamish. Too perfectionist, too, I have to say.
BC made me super sad because my breasts were the only part of my aging body that still looked young, the only part that hubbie complimented. To lose them -- not fair!
I about fainted the first time I saw myself post surgery. Can't imagine hubbie not being repelled by my frankenstein chest. Maybe when I get expanders out and implants in it'll be better. (yeah, right). Would nipples help? Don't know.
I can go through the rest of our intimate life in a silky chemise. I'm thinking that may be best for our marriage. Life goes on. Could be worse.
So, I admire any mate who's being helpful in these situations. Bless ya.
She is home and resting. It took me hours to convince her to take a shower. She was afraid and wanted me to wash her hair in the sink. She finally decided with the shower, I got her hair washed and as much of the tape "goo" and orange stuff of her as i could.
She must be at the anger stage cause she jumped my stuff over the stupidist thing. Oh well, grin and bear it and move on. LOL
Greg0 -
GregGregStahl said:Thanks everyone
She is home and resting. It took me hours to convince her to take a shower. She was afraid and wanted me to wash her hair in the sink. She finally decided with the shower, I got her hair washed and as much of the tape "goo" and orange stuff of her as i could.
She must be at the anger stage cause she jumped my stuff over the stupidist thing. Oh well, grin and bear it and move on. LOL
Greg
I did not have that kind of surgery. I had lumpectomy last april. My mom had her breast removed so I do know how she felt. Hang in there. This is such a hard time for the both of you in different ways. Sure she is mad, and guess what ? When we are mad we take it out on the people we trust and love the most. I am glad you are talking with other husbands, I think that will help you a lot. Just remember, we are all here for you to do your venting.You guys will get through this, it's not easy and there is so much more treatment to do. It is all doable. We are here for you.0 -
Thanks KatGregStahl said:Thanks everyone
She is home and resting. It took me hours to convince her to take a shower. She was afraid and wanted me to wash her hair in the sink. She finally decided with the shower, I got her hair washed and as much of the tape "goo" and orange stuff of her as i could.
She must be at the anger stage cause she jumped my stuff over the stupidist thing. Oh well, grin and bear it and move on. LOL
Greg
I know this is just the first step in a long hard journey. I will come here to vent and have already. The main reason I come to the breast cancer blog is to read your (the ladies fighting breast cancer) stories so I can have a better insite on what she is/might be going thru, feeling, thinking, etc.
I appreciate everyone sharing, its helped so many people....fighters, survivors, and us supporters & caregivers.0 -
GregGregStahl said:Thanks Kat
I know this is just the first step in a long hard journey. I will come here to vent and have already. The main reason I come to the breast cancer blog is to read your (the ladies fighting breast cancer) stories so I can have a better insite on what she is/might be going thru, feeling, thinking, etc.
I appreciate everyone sharing, its helped so many people....fighters, survivors, and us supporters & caregivers.
I was new to this last April. I really don't think I would have gotton through this passed year if it had not been for this site and my husband and family. There was so much information that kept coming our way that we really did not understand. The survivors on this board really helped me. Now I can pay it forward I hope. I wish my husband would have joined a site. I think it would have helped him to. Then again all he does on a computer is play poker, joining a site like this would mean he would have to type. LOL0 -
Prepped myself for the first lookKat11 said:Greg
I was new to this last April. I really don't think I would have gotton through this passed year if it had not been for this site and my husband and family. There was so much information that kept coming our way that we really did not understand. The survivors on this board really helped me. Now I can pay it forward I hope. I wish my husband would have joined a site. I think it would have helped him to. Then again all he does on a computer is play poker, joining a site like this would mean he would have to type. LOL
Once I knew I wanted a double I started searching the web for pictures. Looked at them all during my chemo so that I would be ready when I had surgery. Also my mother 8 years ago lost her left breast. I had my surgery 2 weeks ago. first time I looked at my chest it wasn't a shock. Looked just like the pictures.0 -
Greg
I'm glad I found this post. I didn't realize your wife just had her surgery on Friday. You are a very supportive husband. My husband is supportive in a very quiet way. Doesn't say much:) When you commented on my post about the drains, it was certainly first hand knowledge. However, I'm still wondering.... I am not having reconstructive surgery until a later date because I will be having chemo and radiation. Did your wife have any lymph nodes removed or did she have reconstruction started and is that why she has drains? I think I'll be ok for that first look although my sister said not to do it alone in case I faint. Hang in there. You're doing what you need to. I agree that these message boards are a wealth of info!
Charlene0
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