Male Answers to Male questions......Inquire inside..... :)

Buzzard
Buzzard Member Posts: 3,043 Member
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
OK, for the women and men that need to know before hand what they may expect or problems they may already be seeing this is the place to try and get some answers from men and women about sex,sexual desires and cancers effect on sexual relationships....I know that I may differ from others but with complete openness and integrity but very candid, I will say whatever I need to to try and help anyone having trouble or simply needing a question answered. I am very sure that after this thread opens it will be a viable (not viagra) part of this forum to aid in what may be very intimate details that one may not like to share openly. I will however do the PM thing to anyone not wanting to speak openly in forum and understand completely why some would choose not to. I will give you some background of my history so that it will help some get started with the questions. There are plenty of us out there that need this type of help and I am also one of them...All of my friends in here will chime right in with their own experiences Im sure so it should prove to be a very informative as well as open and laid back conversation.....

I was diagnosed in March 2008 and underwent 25 weeks of radiation and 5fu. My tumor was about the size of a golfball and to low to save my rectum so I do have an ostomy that is permanent. The percentage of loss of sexual ability during surgery was 50%. I can live with that percentage. Well, I simply lost the libido along with erection ability. Now, I have a 36 year old wife and I am 55 so there lies the diliemma . I was on depression meds and still am so that didn't help the libido either. I have been almost 2 years and have had sex maybe 4 times. Not fair to my wife, not fair to my relationship either.OK, Viagra took care of the erection problem but then my Onc ask me if I ever got and erection while I slept or woke up with one. I told him yes, he said then the problem in in your head and not your genitals. I have started some new types of things that I did when we we're dating to bring back the exciting boldness that we use to have in our marriage and before while we dated. It is helping a ton in my "manly mentality" and I simply let her know that things will be different for a while until we see what really works for us. My life is suddenly replenished with life, love and happiness in the home...and the wife is pretty happy about it as well.....If anyone would like to ask specific or general questions if I can't answer them I know someone will. If you would like to pm me then that will be perfectly fine also. I do not try to delve into personal lives but I will be very frank about things so if you want to know ask, if you don't then you better not ask........Love to you all....."Dr Ruth"......just kiddin :)..Let em rip...Buzz
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Comments

  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    The Mental and Physical Aspects...
    I'm sure this will be helpful as many people, mostly men, would have trouble talking about a loss in their manhood - just a real taboo subject. The women are much better at open discussion. I'm not shy about it anymore, and apparently neither are you - that's good and it does help to be able to discuss openly.

    I had a guy the other day asking on a "rectal thread" and I finally gave in and gave him the lowdown on what my experiences were with radiation damage, atrophy, ED drugs, and the recovery and healing process. I received a few PMs as well and we talked at great length about different situations - it's enlightening to know you are not the only one. Validation is a healing tool in and of itself.

    Time can allow the body to heal - though we are not the superstarts of years past. Alot of it is mental, especially for men, because we connect our appendage directly to our manhood and when this goes sideways, it's very emotional and devastating when things don't work, or not as it used to be.

    Radiation, rectal surgery, and the fiddling of all of those nerves in that central location, can really set a person back - I found time is a big key - and ED drugs like Cialis, which I no longer need, but found worked with a more normal lifestyle, lasting in the bloodstream 36-hours, gave one time for things to develop. And unlike Viagra, one could eat a meal and even have a drink if desired, without losing any benefit in the medicine. And it could allow things to continue leaving one the option of more than once, if so desired, during that 36-hour window...and less face flushing too. Tried them all, Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis.

    Time healed enough to no longer warrant those, but they are handy if one needs a little help.

    Good luck on your thread - glad things are going well for you.

    -Craig
  • Kerry S
    Kerry S Member Posts: 606
    It does come back

    It does come back. I am 67 and my 6 weeks of chemo/radiation was almost 2 years back. ED lasted for almost a year. All is working fine for the last 6 months. The only thing is I no longer produce semen. The problem is not me, my wife is no longer taking hormones and she has no interest and says sex is too painful.

    Now, if that little nurse that does my port flushes were to say the right thing, I think I would fire up quicker and stronger then a diesel tractor on a hot day.
  • abrub
    abrub Member Posts: 2,174 Member
    Kerry S said:

    It does come back

    It does come back. I am 67 and my 6 weeks of chemo/radiation was almost 2 years back. ED lasted for almost a year. All is working fine for the last 6 months. The only thing is I no longer produce semen. The problem is not me, my wife is no longer taking hormones and she has no interest and says sex is too painful.

    Now, if that little nurse that does my port flushes were to say the right thing, I think I would fire up quicker and stronger then a diesel tractor on a hot day.

    Pain for women
    The pain causes an instant shut-down (my post-chemo/instant menopause notes). Encourage your wife to speak with her gyn - localized estrogen (Vagifem - which is estradiol, the same as is produced by our bodies, and not a synthetic estrogen) helped me a lot physically, tho unfortunately hasn't helped the libido. I still want to be there for my husband, and hope to rejoin him in explosions of joy one of these days...
  • Aud
    Aud Member Posts: 479
    Clift
    good post. For anyone who wants information on women and effects of radiation, I'd be happy to oblige. I had 6 weeks of radiation after transanal excision for Stage I, T2 rectal cancer. Some issues I have dealt with: vaginal/perineal/anal burns/sores, prolonged (3 weeks) bleeding due to ovaries being zapped, painful intercourse, treatment for prevention of vaginal atrophy/dryness, abrupt menopause with decreased libido, tight/painful hips/pelvis, and bowel urgency. Everyone has different ways in how to deal with these problems. For anyone who wants to know, I'll tell you how I dealt with them and hope that I could be helpful.
    Hope, Peace, and Healing to All.
    Audrey
  • Jaylo969
    Jaylo969 Member Posts: 824
    Aud said:

    Clift
    good post. For anyone who wants information on women and effects of radiation, I'd be happy to oblige. I had 6 weeks of radiation after transanal excision for Stage I, T2 rectal cancer. Some issues I have dealt with: vaginal/perineal/anal burns/sores, prolonged (3 weeks) bleeding due to ovaries being zapped, painful intercourse, treatment for prevention of vaginal atrophy/dryness, abrupt menopause with decreased libido, tight/painful hips/pelvis, and bowel urgency. Everyone has different ways in how to deal with these problems. For anyone who wants to know, I'll tell you how I dealt with them and hope that I could be helpful.
    Hope, Peace, and Healing to All.
    Audrey

    Aud
    Or anybody else. I have a question. I am female so maybe it would be appropriate for me to start another thread.I've tried to google info on my question but can't find an answer.
    Ok...starting another thread.

    -Pat
  • Shayenne
    Shayenne Member Posts: 2,342
    Jaylo969 said:

    Aud
    Or anybody else. I have a question. I am female so maybe it would be appropriate for me to start another thread.I've tried to google info on my question but can't find an answer.
    Ok...starting another thread.

    -Pat

    You Know...
    I don't mind posting on anything "taboo" or "questions that men and women afraid or embarrassed to ask", so ladies and gentlemen, really, we're all sisters and brothers here and most of us don't get offended to easily about medical questions, and know that it be ok to learn things on everything. So, don't be afraid to talk to us, I hate the thought that it should be separated like that, but if it makes it easier for the men and women to post about it, then thats awesome! Like Dr. Oz says, "Nothing should be off limits"! so post away, sexual, non sexual, gross, whatever...no one will judge you personally you here, I feel it's quite interesting to talk about this, and a good way to learn and what could happen to any of us along the way. More informed! ;)

    Don't hold anything back, we love to be here to just help :)

    Hugsss!
    ~Donna
  • idlehunters
    idlehunters Member Posts: 1,787
    Shayenne said:

    You Know...
    I don't mind posting on anything "taboo" or "questions that men and women afraid or embarrassed to ask", so ladies and gentlemen, really, we're all sisters and brothers here and most of us don't get offended to easily about medical questions, and know that it be ok to learn things on everything. So, don't be afraid to talk to us, I hate the thought that it should be separated like that, but if it makes it easier for the men and women to post about it, then thats awesome! Like Dr. Oz says, "Nothing should be off limits"! so post away, sexual, non sexual, gross, whatever...no one will judge you personally you here, I feel it's quite interesting to talk about this, and a good way to learn and what could happen to any of us along the way. More informed! ;)

    Don't hold anything back, we love to be here to just help :)

    Hugsss!
    ~Donna

    OOOOOOOOOOOOK!
    I have two questions. I am not holding back..ya'll said NOT to......


    1) My husband and I are VERY oral people. Will eating semen hurt you in any way? I read the thread about chemo in bodily fluids. We honestly never gave it any thought until I read that thread. My Onc never said not to ingest it. He never said anything bout sex.

    2) My surgery removed the large intestine. Can I still have anal sex???


    Jennie
  • Shayenne
    Shayenne Member Posts: 2,342

    OOOOOOOOOOOOK!
    I have two questions. I am not holding back..ya'll said NOT to......


    1) My husband and I are VERY oral people. Will eating semen hurt you in any way? I read the thread about chemo in bodily fluids. We honestly never gave it any thought until I read that thread. My Onc never said not to ingest it. He never said anything bout sex.

    2) My surgery removed the large intestine. Can I still have anal sex???


    Jennie

    I
    Never read or heard that eating sperm would hurt you...I mean, I dont do it anyway, sorry but the thought of lil tadpoles floating around my belly was never a turn on for me...

    I'm also not sure about the anal sex thang either... that was just used for "exit only" for me, have you tried? I know when I tried having sex, it hurt me like hell! I was so very tight, like it was my first time

    I hope things get better for you

    Hugzzz!!
    ~DonnA
  • abrub
    abrub Member Posts: 2,174 Member

    OOOOOOOOOOOOK!
    I have two questions. I am not holding back..ya'll said NOT to......


    1) My husband and I are VERY oral people. Will eating semen hurt you in any way? I read the thread about chemo in bodily fluids. We honestly never gave it any thought until I read that thread. My Onc never said not to ingest it. He never said anything bout sex.

    2) My surgery removed the large intestine. Can I still have anal sex???


    Jennie

    oral sex
    I would probably skip the oral portions during chemo treatments and for a few days after. I read about a woman who was allergic to an antibiotic, and reacted to it in her husband's semen - took a while to diagnose the problem!

    Also, if chemo gets on your skin, it's considered a "Hazardous Material Situation" I was sent home with hazmat kits in case my chemo pump ever leaked (it did), so I wouldn't want it on my skin. (Just coursing through my veins...)

    On the other hand, much of the chemo is broken down and diluted before it gets to the semen. This is something you can ask your onc (believe me, he's already heard everything) or else your gyn.

    Regarding the large intestine - if you are fully healed (many months post op) and functioning normally, you should be able to try again, taking it very easy, and stopping if there is any unusual pain. Again, I'd ask my dr. (I do ask mine anything.)
  • pluckey
    pluckey Member Posts: 484
    Kerry S said:

    It does come back

    It does come back. I am 67 and my 6 weeks of chemo/radiation was almost 2 years back. ED lasted for almost a year. All is working fine for the last 6 months. The only thing is I no longer produce semen. The problem is not me, my wife is no longer taking hormones and she has no interest and says sex is too painful.

    Now, if that little nurse that does my port flushes were to say the right thing, I think I would fire up quicker and stronger then a diesel tractor on a hot day.

    Now, if that little nurse that does my port flushes were to say
    bwahahaha!!! crack me up, I just spit my coffee out!

    peggy
  • RickMurtagh
    RickMurtagh Member Posts: 586
    hijacked
    A couple of men start dialogue on cancer effects on sex and the women hijack it, even talking about oral sex. Where are you men? COWARDS! I would post something, but I...umm...have...surgery, ha, I have surgery today and have to be at the hospital in thirty minutes and have to finish a new Advanced Directive before I go.
    When I come back I want at least ten posts from men on this subject. Manly posts, nothing about crying during sex or anything mushy like that. Make it medical sounding if you have to. Come on men, or are you COWARDS?
  • coloCan
    coloCan Member Posts: 1,944 Member

    hijacked
    A couple of men start dialogue on cancer effects on sex and the women hijack it, even talking about oral sex. Where are you men? COWARDS! I would post something, but I...umm...have...surgery, ha, I have surgery today and have to be at the hospital in thirty minutes and have to finish a new Advanced Directive before I go.
    When I come back I want at least ten posts from men on this subject. Manly posts, nothing about crying during sex or anything mushy like that. Make it medical sounding if you have to. Come on men, or are you COWARDS?

    Yer right,its hard to talk about shrinking violets and other
    nonfunctioning appendages with women interceding so I'll send Buzzard PM on this touchy topic. All I'll say here is things ain't been the same since surgery tho onc will be refering me to urologist. Ain't used to this!!!!!!(I'll take any type of sex now (butt anal--try and you die!!!!!) but I still think it won;t work......Help
  • david54
    david54 Member Posts: 164
    My wife is so thin and
    My wife is so thin and emaciated with her cancer and chemotherapy that to be honest, the idea of sex ….doesn’t. Please do not judge me, I love her so much! But the thought …...I am so afraid she would somehow be injured. That does not mean there is no intimacy. Intimacy is expressing thought, rubbing her sore back, kissing her beautiful face and simple holding her when she is so cold after Oxaliplatin – I guess that is where our sex life starts and stops. I know plenty of Gregorian Chants if any of you are interested!
  • dschreffler
    dschreffler Member Posts: 58
    Great thread - thanks for
    Great thread - thanks for starting it. A much needed one for candor among males so that expectations and appropriate decisions on treatment can be made before hand.

    Warning - if under 21, get parent's permission before reading this thread.

    As for sex, I think each of us needs to level set on how we meet our own and our partner's needs. As someone who is only mid 40's, I noticed some drop off in drive and ability as I got older - not the always ready walking around with a boner like my 20's ;-). So with age/confidence in myself and relationship, we simply modify technique and try new stuff. Erection and male orgasm, is only one part of the sexual experience. If I focused solely on that, then sex would have been pretty one sided, pretty boring, and frustrating for both of us - in my opinion.

    So, understanding that, we have a lot of fun finding pleasure spots that have not always required penetration. Hey, what's this sensitive spot on the back of the wife's neck that I now know I can kiss out her orgasm. Hey want to try out that new bedroom toy. Your mileage may vary and will depend upon your openness and relationship with your partner. I'm a very lucky man.

    So with that foundation, I'm not too hung up (bad pun) for on demand erections, and understand treatment/surgery options likely will decrease ability and perhaps desire. My question from my other thread was which options have what degree of an effect on all the lower part of the body functions - fecal control, urine control, sexual functionality, and any other lower body pain/discomfort/issues/risks.

    I'm a cancer newbie, never been seriously sick or o any medication prior, and only have completed pre surgery chemo and radiation. Surgery is about 4 weeks away. I think I have been very lucky with the limited side effects in general, and with the male specific concerns particularly.

    I finished 6 weeks of radiation , with oxy and xeloda. All was a M-f with weekends off.

    Did not engage in sex during this time because was concerned about toxicity of body fluids and really not in the mood or too tired. The red/white blood cells dropped in week 3 and so did I. Also, constipation and painful stool exit makes one eat less, so energy takes a dive too.

    In week 4, the radiation burn started and pain acted as additional deterrent to sex (and most other things). I did catch up on a lot of bad sci-fi movies and tv series while laying on my belly, so not that the time was not used productively ;-) Radiation pain was on skin on butt.. scrotum and penis pretty much ok. Some discomfort during urination - could "feel" bladder empty, discomfort and feeling of not fully draining the lizard.

    Radiation burn on outer skin got worse and did not begin to subside until 1 week after treatment ended. I'm at about 90% of healing 2 weeks after treatments ended. Still some sense of urgency when bladder full. Minor irritation with bowel movements - I'd assume similar to hemorrhoids - or maybe that's what I have now.

    For the past week I feel great - just tired and know that the bottom is still healing al around. We had a go at sex and was able to have erection as before, but not really a comfortable one. Pretty sure it was radiation effects. Skin tight like its sun damaged. Orgasm was not painful, but not pleasurable - just weird feeling. Gonna hold off for another week so I don't injure anything while still healing.

    Candid enough?
  • Patteee
    Patteee Member Posts: 945

    OOOOOOOOOOOOK!
    I have two questions. I am not holding back..ya'll said NOT to......


    1) My husband and I are VERY oral people. Will eating semen hurt you in any way? I read the thread about chemo in bodily fluids. We honestly never gave it any thought until I read that thread. My Onc never said not to ingest it. He never said anything bout sex.

    2) My surgery removed the large intestine. Can I still have anal sex???


    Jennie

    O.M.G
    way too much

    O.M.G

    way too much information
  • SueRelays
    SueRelays Member Posts: 485

    Great thread - thanks for
    Great thread - thanks for starting it. A much needed one for candor among males so that expectations and appropriate decisions on treatment can be made before hand.

    Warning - if under 21, get parent's permission before reading this thread.

    As for sex, I think each of us needs to level set on how we meet our own and our partner's needs. As someone who is only mid 40's, I noticed some drop off in drive and ability as I got older - not the always ready walking around with a boner like my 20's ;-). So with age/confidence in myself and relationship, we simply modify technique and try new stuff. Erection and male orgasm, is only one part of the sexual experience. If I focused solely on that, then sex would have been pretty one sided, pretty boring, and frustrating for both of us - in my opinion.

    So, understanding that, we have a lot of fun finding pleasure spots that have not always required penetration. Hey, what's this sensitive spot on the back of the wife's neck that I now know I can kiss out her orgasm. Hey want to try out that new bedroom toy. Your mileage may vary and will depend upon your openness and relationship with your partner. I'm a very lucky man.

    So with that foundation, I'm not too hung up (bad pun) for on demand erections, and understand treatment/surgery options likely will decrease ability and perhaps desire. My question from my other thread was which options have what degree of an effect on all the lower part of the body functions - fecal control, urine control, sexual functionality, and any other lower body pain/discomfort/issues/risks.

    I'm a cancer newbie, never been seriously sick or o any medication prior, and only have completed pre surgery chemo and radiation. Surgery is about 4 weeks away. I think I have been very lucky with the limited side effects in general, and with the male specific concerns particularly.

    I finished 6 weeks of radiation , with oxy and xeloda. All was a M-f with weekends off.

    Did not engage in sex during this time because was concerned about toxicity of body fluids and really not in the mood or too tired. The red/white blood cells dropped in week 3 and so did I. Also, constipation and painful stool exit makes one eat less, so energy takes a dive too.

    In week 4, the radiation burn started and pain acted as additional deterrent to sex (and most other things). I did catch up on a lot of bad sci-fi movies and tv series while laying on my belly, so not that the time was not used productively ;-) Radiation pain was on skin on butt.. scrotum and penis pretty much ok. Some discomfort during urination - could "feel" bladder empty, discomfort and feeling of not fully draining the lizard.

    Radiation burn on outer skin got worse and did not begin to subside until 1 week after treatment ended. I'm at about 90% of healing 2 weeks after treatments ended. Still some sense of urgency when bladder full. Minor irritation with bowel movements - I'd assume similar to hemorrhoids - or maybe that's what I have now.

    For the past week I feel great - just tired and know that the bottom is still healing al around. We had a go at sex and was able to have erection as before, but not really a comfortable one. Pretty sure it was radiation effects. Skin tight like its sun damaged. Orgasm was not painful, but not pleasurable - just weird feeling. Gonna hold off for another week so I don't injure anything while still healing.

    Candid enough?

    WOW....I needed something to
    WOW....I needed something to take my mind off a sad event today....THANKS!
  • idlehunters
    idlehunters Member Posts: 1,787
    Shayenne said:

    I
    Never read or heard that eating sperm would hurt you...I mean, I dont do it anyway, sorry but the thought of lil tadpoles floating around my belly was never a turn on for me...

    I'm also not sure about the anal sex thang either... that was just used for "exit only" for me, have you tried? I know when I tried having sex, it hurt me like hell! I was so very tight, like it was my first time

    I hope things get better for you

    Hugzzz!!
    ~DonnA

    LOL...Donna
    You're so cute! Different strokes for different folks I suppose. I don't think of it as lil tadpoles floating round in my tummy..... Anal was a "new" thing for me that just barely got started when I was DX. I would like to explore it further but don't know if it is "safe" now. Thanks for your input Donna.

    Jennie
  • idlehunters
    idlehunters Member Posts: 1,787
    abrub said:

    oral sex
    I would probably skip the oral portions during chemo treatments and for a few days after. I read about a woman who was allergic to an antibiotic, and reacted to it in her husband's semen - took a while to diagnose the problem!

    Also, if chemo gets on your skin, it's considered a "Hazardous Material Situation" I was sent home with hazmat kits in case my chemo pump ever leaked (it did), so I wouldn't want it on my skin. (Just coursing through my veins...)

    On the other hand, much of the chemo is broken down and diluted before it gets to the semen. This is something you can ask your onc (believe me, he's already heard everything) or else your gyn.

    Regarding the large intestine - if you are fully healed (many months post op) and functioning normally, you should be able to try again, taking it very easy, and stopping if there is any unusual pain. Again, I'd ask my dr. (I do ask mine anything.)

    Asking Onc
    I have tried on more than one occasion to ask these exact questions to my onc. It is sooooooo embarrasing! the words just would not come out of my mouth. I have an appointment this Thursday morning with him. I may write the questions down and just let him read them. I think that may be easier for me. Thanks for your advice.

    Jennie
  • idlehunters
    idlehunters Member Posts: 1,787

    hijacked
    A couple of men start dialogue on cancer effects on sex and the women hijack it, even talking about oral sex. Where are you men? COWARDS! I would post something, but I...umm...have...surgery, ha, I have surgery today and have to be at the hospital in thirty minutes and have to finish a new Advanced Directive before I go.
    When I come back I want at least ten posts from men on this subject. Manly posts, nothing about crying during sex or anything mushy like that. Make it medical sounding if you have to. Come on men, or are you COWARDS?

    My Apologies
    I did not know this was a "male ONLY" thread. Sorry if you feel I hijacked it Rick. I thought it was an open thread. Patteee........... Buzz and Donna both said to be open. I am sorry if MY information was "too much" for you. Please let me withdraw my questions. I thought we were family and could talk about anything. Now I feel really bad and wish I had said nothing. Sorry if I offended any of you.

    Jennie
  • Buzzard
    Buzzard Member Posts: 3,043 Member
    SueRelays said:

    WOW....I needed something to
    WOW....I needed something to take my mind off a sad event today....THANKS!

    dschreffler.......
    Thank you for the detailed info....That will help others more than you know. This is simply a thread to allow others to have info at their fingertips so that they can use what they see fit to make the best of their own situations. It is info that is invaluable to many more than you would think.....again thanks for sharing it.....


    My use of viagra is taking care of business but the Cialis ...I may try that for a change... Things after 2 years are finally working some on their own but it is a stimulus thing that becomes necessary before complete erection occurs...and yes I have found that very heavy petting helps tremendously as I think to me it takes my mind (mental again) off the job of making sure there is an erection. It just seems to now be happening for the most part naturally when I don't really concentrate on it.....If I dismiss the complete thought of having sex and simply get very close and cuddly with my mate then it is seeming to happen more frequently and naturally...It has taken almost 2 years to get this way though...Life gets better everyday.....

    Jennie....My guess is to find a female nurse practitioner that deals with the chemo and ask her about the oral ingestion.... It is a hazardous chemical but I wouldn't fathom a guess on safety or dilution rates of sperm...But, unless your husband is on chemo where would the problem lie ?

    SueRelays.....Informative or entertaining...whatever gets us through the day...just glad it makes ya feel better whichever the case may be.......Buzz