How To Get Back To Being>>
I going to stir things up but as i approuch mid way in this hole cancer mess i have to ask how do we begin to bet back at being>>>>.
Subject 1. How do we get back to being and feeling sexy and how when our nether have burned and slashed and monkeyied with, how do we go back to feeling, and have sexual feeling, ( surely I am not the only one, but my spouse prettymuch wants it still and has urges and such and is cuddily and stuff but i don't have any of that, I had quite a bit of radiation in Dec and Jan. lots of burning and also went into radiation menapause. And i had not been to sexual feeling much before being DX ( maybe because i had such a large tumor pressing up against my vaja, I say prior to DX, once a week was good for me, Now i don't even think about it.
So what you all think, how do we get back?
Subject 2. How do we get back to when we did not define our days as to what this cancer has in store for us, I said a really mean thing today to my daughter, she was commenting as she looked at my mom and said that what someone whose going to live to a hundred and five looks like, and i said what do i look like 46,47.
But thats how i feel somedays, I use ta think i was going to live forever and that there was noting that would hurt me,
So what you all think how do we get back.
Subject 3. Exersise, i know alot of you have remained very active in all this, but my life has drastrically changed, I use to life 50lbs or more without eventhinging about it orgetting up really early and working until midnight on our metal art, now i don't and I neaed to get back that stregth and I need to know I will,.
So what do you all say, and maybe you'd like to add your own,
Live, Laugh, Play
Winnie
Comments
-
getting back
well sex I don't even know how to spell it anymore so that tells you how my love life has been this last year or so. I don't think of myself as a cancer patient I look in the mirror and see a 62 yr old woman who beat it's **** and strength well I do what I can and when I get tired I sit down never worry about it...0 -
Here is my thoughts about each problem......
1) Like you although male, I don't think about it very much. I usually don't have the urges either. But having a younger wife does make some differences (even though she says it doesn't). I had a lot of radiation but the surgery did the damage to me. It did scrape away a lot of the nerve endings that cause erection and ejaculation and with the aid of Viagra I am able to do what I want. The problem is, I don't want to. Not healthy, so I am still trying to work out a solution to the problem. I am trying other stimuli that may make me have the desires that I use to have. I really don't think its mental , but do think its physical disabilities that are causing my trouble, but I am working on the mental aspect of it to control or induce the physical side. Soft kissing, "dating again", and some of the things we did while dating are starting to bring back some spark. It was fine before but this did take a toll on it. I think if we try to go back to when we first started dating and try to have our own moments and not live so much through our children. We forget that we also have lives we have put on hold for our kids so when they are grown then we find that we then have no life, so it gets boring. Thats when its time to start the romance all over again, thats what we are trying to accomplish.
2) Actually, the only real time I think about it is when I come in here and post or read stories. I have really been busy with church and fishing and my kids that I really don't have time for it anymore, and that suits me fine. I think that over time you will learn to move on without the looming overhead of this that takes more than its share of ones time....
3) Strength, I didn't have any for quite a while, Its been since July 15th 2008 since surgery and I am just now able to lift what I want and feel half normal about doing it. I have to say that other than walking I haven't done any exercise, simply didn't feel like it or want to so my rehab process was quite a bit slower, but, I can say that I am feeling stronger everyday now and even the neuropathy in my feet and pads seem to be easing up. Life is getting sweet again.....Things will get brighter just hang in there.0 -
For me, the sexy feeling
For me, the sexy feeling part took a long time. And it isn't the same. Basically I think chemo killed my hormones. That and menopause.
Lifting- I am a whimp- just startedd working out with 2 lb weights. Doing a lot of repititions- but there is no way I could handle even 5 lbs.0 -
hmmm
Sex?!? Wait, we can have sex? My wife told me, well never mind.
I was a health nut for years (younger years to be sure). I LOVED to run. Then I got a job as a programmer. The harder I worked the more I sat. I used to run 10-12 miles a day 4 to 6 days a weeks. Since getting cancer I have lost 60+ lbs and can afford another 20 or so, no prob. I am at a point, if I can manage reasonable balance sometime soon, I would love to start running again. For me that and getting a job (laid off September 2009) would take care of exercise and being "normal" again. It is all about the new normal though isn't it?0 -
fellow programmer!RickMurtagh said:hmmm
Sex?!? Wait, we can have sex? My wife told me, well never mind.
I was a health nut for years (younger years to be sure). I LOVED to run. Then I got a job as a programmer. The harder I worked the more I sat. I used to run 10-12 miles a day 4 to 6 days a weeks. Since getting cancer I have lost 60+ lbs and can afford another 20 or so, no prob. I am at a point, if I can manage reasonable balance sometime soon, I would love to start running again. For me that and getting a job (laid off September 2009) would take care of exercise and being "normal" again. It is all about the new normal though isn't it?
I have been programming since 1993. I was going to ask you how you found the chemo and stuff messing with your head while you try to write code until I saw you were laid off ... did you work at all while on chemo? Sometimes I look back on code I wrote while on chemo and ask myself what the heck I was thinking!
mary0 -
On # 1, I can't say much on
On # 1, I can't say much on this subject. My wife is also a member - 'nuff said? I did want to thank you for bringing this up and all who have responded.
I'll beat some sparks of a different kind tonight. That didn't come out right. Neither did that. I give up.
Roger0 -
I started chemomsccolon said:fellow programmer!
I have been programming since 1993. I was going to ask you how you found the chemo and stuff messing with your head while you try to write code until I saw you were laid off ... did you work at all while on chemo? Sometimes I look back on code I wrote while on chemo and ask myself what the heck I was thinking!
mary
I started Chemo on July 09 and continued to code until I was laid off in September. Chemo brain has affected my ability to come up with words (I need a thesaurus now), fortunately my programming has not been affected to my knowledge, but then I have not looked at the code I wrote while on chemo, so perhaps it was messed up.
I am trying to learn programming on the Mac (for some iPad development ideas I have) and learning that is harder than programming has ever been so far. My brain just hurts some time. I can only concentrate for a couple of hours then I need some distractions, like forums, solitaire, forums, games, solitaire or forums and games. But I think I am doing pretty well so far, my brain seems normal and normal - we will see how things turn out when I start coding for the device and not the simulator. Things could not be much more gooder!0 -
LOLCrow71 said:On # 1, I can't say much on
On # 1, I can't say much on this subject. My wife is also a member - 'nuff said? I did want to thank you for bringing this up and all who have responded.
I'll beat some sparks of a different kind tonight. That didn't come out right. Neither did that. I give up.
Roger
CAW!!! CAW!!!! Oh Roger Dodger..... U B FUNNY!
SEX???? Hummmmm..... after DX, after surgery...and probably a good six months more.... nil, nada... just didn't have the urge. Masterbation even sucked since my fingertips are numb..but ..... the urge finally did come back. I think it was the porno's. I know one thing... I felt so ugly and scarred. Not so sexy to look at anymore. Numerous scars...half bald...no eyebrows or lashes...dark circles under my eyes...dead peeling skin hanging everywhere.... and since losing 75 pounds..the skin skin was hanging everywhere... I looked like a cancer patient...go figure!! Pretty was just not happening. SOOOOOO... I did what I had to do to make myself FEEL pretty.... I TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS....and pretended. We stayed in the dark and focused on the porn.... seriously..it worked!.. Next step.... showering together..BY CANDLE LIGHT..... makes it just light enough to see what ya gotta yet still able to hide what ya wanna too. It has become a game...and a fun one...looking for dark secret places.... ya gotta do what ya gotta do. It is NOT the same as before..... BUT...it is different... and after 27 years of the same ole same ole.... it's refreshing. Like we always say here.... it's not about QUANTITY.... but QUALITY. When the time is right for you.... it will come back...and it may be even BETTER....and I have found that bald is beautiful... in some areas Take Care!
Jennie0 -
still enjoy shower sex
That 63 year old gal I live with has a problem because of her crohns disease. She can’t take hormones any more. That kind of put a damper on it right along with that damned chemo/rad. However, when I remodeled our bathroom I put in a big **** shower. We both still enjoy shower sex.
Truly, because we have been married for 45 years it is not that important to us. We don’t need sex to express our love for each other as much as when we were young and down right horney.0 -
Since ostomy, things aint been the same;Kerry S said:still enjoy shower sex
That 63 year old gal I live with has a problem because of her crohns disease. She can’t take hormones any more. That kind of put a damper on it right along with that damned chemo/rad. However, when I remodeled our bathroom I put in a big **** shower. We both still enjoy shower sex.
Truly, because we have been married for 45 years it is not that important to us. We don’t need sex to express our love for each other as much as when we were young and down right horney.
Saw surgeon past Mon and he said sometimes colostomy can do that to you. Onc is aware too and she'll send me to urologist once chemo ends, around a month from now. At 59 1/2 sex......
As for exercise, Surgeon said I can start again; haven't lifted weights in over year and a half; had done so most of my life since teenage years. As I still have a second picc in left arm (first had somehow moved)I'm using only my right arm. Started with a 3 pound DB for various types of curls (reg/reverse/hammer), presses (reg/Arnold,etc),front and side raises, tri-presses,etc for high reps; now reducing reps but slowly adding weight. For legs I've started partial squats and calf raises without weights so far. I've noticed weight gain in legs(still 20+ pounds off what I was BC)(When Im ready for really working out, I'll ask some specific questions of lifting with an ostomy. I did see a brief video on the Hollister website of a man with a bag doing chinups so thats encouraging for me)
As for getting back to living; you just gotta do it, however much of whatever you enjoy to do-do it. Get off your **** (however much is left) and just start living again......steve0 -
Update
Yesterday was one of those days when you want to run, for those of you who know ignore the repeat, I have a temp ileo, to be reversed March 24, YEAH, And it really bugs me.
In the morning it is full of stuff and Hubby rolls over and is all frisky and all i want is to get out of bed as quick as possible and I get one of these "where are you going" DaHa to the bathroom, "are you coming back" (no i want to say) (i mean forwhat, don't want to haven't for awhile now, this is normal for me, ). Small arguement happens but not a bad one just the same one, When? is the nagging question, When?
Then my parents come fr a visit, and my MOM the energizer bunny wants to hang lights and go to SAMS CLUB and shop, and ofcorse my daughter wants to go with because she wants to go shopping, ( all of this is something that would not have bothered me a year ago, but now it is the last thing i want to do). So we go, and first we get something to eat, so 5 times i have to empty the bag, because its like a hose with a hole in it, put something in the mouth nomatter how small and stuff comes out the other end, them combind walking with eating and stuff really comes out.)
Sams was really crowed and lots of people makes me edgey, and i can't remember anything I need to get so i just want to leave but my daughter has me all over the place looking at everything and wanting this or that and getting a little upset cause i keep telling her no because we don't have the money and she says well i just ask grammy, (yeah that makes you feel good).
Then we get home and A man comes over who has purchased a bottle tree from us to pick it up and because i have no brain cells that function, i can't remember his name, or where i put the stakes that you put in the ground that go with the tree, and my son who uses my forgetfullness to blame everything lost on me is being a sassy france to me.
Don't tell me this whole day does not ring a bell with all of you
I just want to run screaming naked in the streets, but that would scare little children, and the cops would come and shoot me because they would think i was a crack addict because i would be physco( like my daughter says i am).
HaHAHAHA,
OK thats done!!!
Live, Laugh, Play
Winnie0 -
Sorry you are having a rough patchWinneyPooh said:Update
Yesterday was one of those days when you want to run, for those of you who know ignore the repeat, I have a temp ileo, to be reversed March 24, YEAH, And it really bugs me.
In the morning it is full of stuff and Hubby rolls over and is all frisky and all i want is to get out of bed as quick as possible and I get one of these "where are you going" DaHa to the bathroom, "are you coming back" (no i want to say) (i mean forwhat, don't want to haven't for awhile now, this is normal for me, ). Small arguement happens but not a bad one just the same one, When? is the nagging question, When?
Then my parents come fr a visit, and my MOM the energizer bunny wants to hang lights and go to SAMS CLUB and shop, and ofcorse my daughter wants to go with because she wants to go shopping, ( all of this is something that would not have bothered me a year ago, but now it is the last thing i want to do). So we go, and first we get something to eat, so 5 times i have to empty the bag, because its like a hose with a hole in it, put something in the mouth nomatter how small and stuff comes out the other end, them combind walking with eating and stuff really comes out.)
Sams was really crowed and lots of people makes me edgey, and i can't remember anything I need to get so i just want to leave but my daughter has me all over the place looking at everything and wanting this or that and getting a little upset cause i keep telling her no because we don't have the money and she says well i just ask grammy, (yeah that makes you feel good).
Then we get home and A man comes over who has purchased a bottle tree from us to pick it up and because i have no brain cells that function, i can't remember his name, or where i put the stakes that you put in the ground that go with the tree, and my son who uses my forgetfullness to blame everything lost on me is being a sassy france to me.
Don't tell me this whole day does not ring a bell with all of you
I just want to run screaming naked in the streets, but that would scare little children, and the cops would come and shoot me because they would think i was a crack addict because i would be physco( like my daughter says i am).
HaHAHAHA,
OK thats done!!!
Live, Laugh, Play
Winnie
Dear Winnie,
I think some days everyone, not just Cancer patients, wish the rest of the world would just go away.
From the experiences you relate, it seems to me that you and your family need to have some serious discussions about YOUR feelings and physical abilities.
If your daughter and mother want to go shopping...tell them to go ahead and have a great time. No reason for you to have to feel you must go or put yourself in uncomfortable situations and get over the feeling about the finances...be glad that your mother can help in some way. You don't mention how old your son is, but sounds as if he is being a typical teenager being sassy...but he needs to understand "typical" is not where you are and you won't accept it from him. He needs to step up to being supportive, not critical.
Sounds like you and hubby need to get some things covered as well. Perhaps you would feel better about the sex issues, if you could plan for it instead of on his schedule. Perhaps at night when you have had a chance to take care of your needs, have a nice bubble bath and put on some sex nightie you might feel more like hitting the sheets for something other than rest.
Unfortunately the male and female of the species have always had differing things which impact our urges (for men it is more physical and for us ladies it is more mental..or heartfelt).
Personal interactions are tough in the "normal" world, and when you add in medical issues they can be the pits. Communication....communication...communication is very important. You need to be right out there about how you feel when these situations come up...help them understand.
Good luck with the reversal and everything else.
To better days and better health
Marie0 -
ahh, WinnieWinneyPooh said:Update
Yesterday was one of those days when you want to run, for those of you who know ignore the repeat, I have a temp ileo, to be reversed March 24, YEAH, And it really bugs me.
In the morning it is full of stuff and Hubby rolls over and is all frisky and all i want is to get out of bed as quick as possible and I get one of these "where are you going" DaHa to the bathroom, "are you coming back" (no i want to say) (i mean forwhat, don't want to haven't for awhile now, this is normal for me, ). Small arguement happens but not a bad one just the same one, When? is the nagging question, When?
Then my parents come fr a visit, and my MOM the energizer bunny wants to hang lights and go to SAMS CLUB and shop, and ofcorse my daughter wants to go with because she wants to go shopping, ( all of this is something that would not have bothered me a year ago, but now it is the last thing i want to do). So we go, and first we get something to eat, so 5 times i have to empty the bag, because its like a hose with a hole in it, put something in the mouth nomatter how small and stuff comes out the other end, them combind walking with eating and stuff really comes out.)
Sams was really crowed and lots of people makes me edgey, and i can't remember anything I need to get so i just want to leave but my daughter has me all over the place looking at everything and wanting this or that and getting a little upset cause i keep telling her no because we don't have the money and she says well i just ask grammy, (yeah that makes you feel good).
Then we get home and A man comes over who has purchased a bottle tree from us to pick it up and because i have no brain cells that function, i can't remember his name, or where i put the stakes that you put in the ground that go with the tree, and my son who uses my forgetfullness to blame everything lost on me is being a sassy france to me.
Don't tell me this whole day does not ring a bell with all of you
I just want to run screaming naked in the streets, but that would scare little children, and the cops would come and shoot me because they would think i was a crack addict because i would be physco( like my daughter says i am).
HaHAHAHA,
OK thats done!!!
Live, Laugh, Play
Winnie
I hate it when I have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day! I hope your day today is a Dee Dah Day!
BTW, here we go again with the running naked through the streets. Even if yours has a few new twists; what is it with us and running around naked - especially those of us with bag and less than stellar self-images?
Be at peace, that is what I just prayed for you. Have a great day!0 -
Dear Winnie
First, I must tell you; I love your sign-off "Live, Laugh, Play."
Stress has a huge impact on how we feel about things. Without needing to spell it out, but I will, you are stressed. Cancer. Trying to be the good wife, mother, daughter. The upcoming reversal. Even though it's a positive thing to look forward to, it's still stressful. Add to this mixture, abrupt menopause from the radiation! So your hormones are not being cooperative either. I'm not very good in the advice business, but here goes. (Think of it more as hopefully helpful suggestions, which you can take with a grain of salt.)
1. Do you see a counselor? (where to find the time?!) I found talking with someone helpful. Where I received treatment, counseling was offered as part of what I call the "cancer package." (Actually, I had to ask for it, but it was there.) I made appointments when I already had doctor/radiation appointments. Maybe it's something that can be done on the phone?
2. Maybe you can try "dating" your husband. A time for just and your Hubby. If your mother (or someone else) is willing to babysit, maybe you and your husband can go on regular dates (so many wonderful things can happen together that aren't what we consider sexual, but certainly can be -- talking, hand-holding, looking at nature together, kissing (lips, cheeks, anywhere!), playing games, going out for tea/coffee at a cafe, shopping for that sexy nightie....) Keep the date simple, but just you and your Husband.
3. Start (anything) small. Exercise: try just 2 stretches you can do every day. (after radiation, I find it more necessary than ever to stretch my hips/groin) Maybe add a 5-minute walk in your neighborhood/yard/in the park. Use 1 pound soup/vegetable cans to lift weights. Make a small change, and make it as routine as brushing your teeth.
I wish you all the wonderful things that Life has to offer, Winnie.
Aud0 -
Heya Winnie!Aud said:Dear Winnie
First, I must tell you; I love your sign-off "Live, Laugh, Play."
Stress has a huge impact on how we feel about things. Without needing to spell it out, but I will, you are stressed. Cancer. Trying to be the good wife, mother, daughter. The upcoming reversal. Even though it's a positive thing to look forward to, it's still stressful. Add to this mixture, abrupt menopause from the radiation! So your hormones are not being cooperative either. I'm not very good in the advice business, but here goes. (Think of it more as hopefully helpful suggestions, which you can take with a grain of salt.)
1. Do you see a counselor? (where to find the time?!) I found talking with someone helpful. Where I received treatment, counseling was offered as part of what I call the "cancer package." (Actually, I had to ask for it, but it was there.) I made appointments when I already had doctor/radiation appointments. Maybe it's something that can be done on the phone?
2. Maybe you can try "dating" your husband. A time for just and your Hubby. If your mother (or someone else) is willing to babysit, maybe you and your husband can go on regular dates (so many wonderful things can happen together that aren't what we consider sexual, but certainly can be -- talking, hand-holding, looking at nature together, kissing (lips, cheeks, anywhere!), playing games, going out for tea/coffee at a cafe, shopping for that sexy nightie....) Keep the date simple, but just you and your Husband.
3. Start (anything) small. Exercise: try just 2 stretches you can do every day. (after radiation, I find it more necessary than ever to stretch my hips/groin) Maybe add a 5-minute walk in your neighborhood/yard/in the park. Use 1 pound soup/vegetable cans to lift weights. Make a small change, and make it as routine as brushing your teeth.
I wish you all the wonderful things that Life has to offer, Winnie.
Aud
I love when we all talk about sex or lack of LOL..it puts a smile on my face! I then don't feel so different. Since my colostomy of course, it makes me feel very sensitive, like I don't even like looking at it in the mirror, so I don't dare go naked in front of my hubby anymore, I'm repulsive I feel. But a few weeks ago, I was feeling abit well "horny" and pretty much initiated sex, and he loved it, it took him by surprise, since it been a LONG time since we even did a thing, except for cuddling, but I will tell you, it almost killed me! I left my shirt on, wouldn't go all the way naked, but we still had fun, but for some reason, it was very painful to me. I don't know if it's because it's been a long time, or if chemo did it, but I felt like a virgin again, I actually even bled abit down there for a few days, but it hurt like hell having sex for me, so I will be asking my doctor about it next week, if it's me or the chemo or what.
I do hope you and hubby do try it, and I like the date nights too. We like to go to movies, go out for lunches and shopping while the kids are still at school, just spending some time talking between the two of us, I hate to think that we still can't be affectionate because of this stupid disease. Good Luck and let us know how things are!
Hugsss!
~Donna0 -
DonnaShayenne said:Heya Winnie!
I love when we all talk about sex or lack of LOL..it puts a smile on my face! I then don't feel so different. Since my colostomy of course, it makes me feel very sensitive, like I don't even like looking at it in the mirror, so I don't dare go naked in front of my hubby anymore, I'm repulsive I feel. But a few weeks ago, I was feeling abit well "horny" and pretty much initiated sex, and he loved it, it took him by surprise, since it been a LONG time since we even did a thing, except for cuddling, but I will tell you, it almost killed me! I left my shirt on, wouldn't go all the way naked, but we still had fun, but for some reason, it was very painful to me. I don't know if it's because it's been a long time, or if chemo did it, but I felt like a virgin again, I actually even bled abit down there for a few days, but it hurt like hell having sex for me, so I will be asking my doctor about it next week, if it's me or the chemo or what.
I do hope you and hubby do try it, and I like the date nights too. We like to go to movies, go out for lunches and shopping while the kids are still at school, just spending some time talking between the two of us, I hate to think that we still can't be affectionate because of this stupid disease. Good Luck and let us know how things are!
Hugsss!
~Donna
I am afraid with all my radiation i will be revirginated also, but i am going to see the female doctor before i try again, my tumor was pressed up against my vajina and i want to make sure there is nothing going on inthere before i try, I am hoping good feeling come back there also.
my husband wants date night to but i just feel better a home right now.
Live, laugh, Play
winnie0 -
Date nightWinneyPooh said:Donna
I am afraid with all my radiation i will be revirginated also, but i am going to see the female doctor before i try again, my tumor was pressed up against my vajina and i want to make sure there is nothing going on inthere before i try, I am hoping good feeling come back there also.
my husband wants date night to but i just feel better a home right now.
Live, laugh, Play
winnie
I'm laughing like crazy, I had a friend who had date night with her hubby once a month, well, she used to make him go outside, walk around the house, and knock on the front door. He hated it but always did it knowing what he was gonna get at the end of the night. Tina0
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