Help! My outer shell is cracking!
March/08-found lump in breast-mammo/us-results were "cluster of cysts"
July/09-Mammo/US/Biopsy
Aug-diagnosed with IDC, Her2+/mass on liver
US/MRI/CTScan,Bone Scan,Bone Density,MugaScan
Sept&Oct-2 rounds of Taxotere/Carboplatin
November-Lumpectomy/2 nodes removed (-)
Jan-new Onc @ a Cancer Center,ready to move onto Rads, only to be stopped in my tracks. Had my first PetScan&Breast MRI done,another Mammo/US-breasts clear!Finally ruled out Cancer on liver! Whew..! Stomach is inflammed,having trouble swallowing,no Rads,see GI doc,more tests.
Feb-stuck with no insurance at the time, further testing delayed.
At the end of the month, will be doing 4-6 more Chemo treatments, only this time WITH Herceptin! (My hair had finally started growing back and I have been feeling almost normal again)
So far I have managed to keep my sanity without any Meds. During my last conversation with my new Onc, he asked me if I need some Ativan or Valium. Do I?! I know only I can answer that, but I have tried real hard not to rely on pills. I have been feeling so anxious, frustrated, angry,lacking sleep, concentration,just plain STRESSED out & I think it is finally starting to hit me that I had (& may still) have Cancer. Up to this point, I had remained "numb" while going through the motions.
When I was first diagnosed, I knew it would consume "at least" a year of my life. But, here I am 6 months into this and it is never ending! I had 2 doctors that were definetely NOT treating me as I should of been treated and now I find myself not wanting to trust another doctor and extremely MAD! I know it's not the Cancer Centers fault what has happened previously, and there's no going back...we can only pick up where I was left and proceed forward. I do feel as though I am in much better hands now, only they want me to have Chemo where I was mis-diagnosed back in 2008, due to my temporary lack of insurance. I don't know what to do! I DO know that I (DO NOT) want to step foot in that hospital, let alone have any kind of treatment there and yes I did express this to the Onc. He tried to assure me I would be in good hands. I know my insurance will pick back up, it's only a matter of when, once it does, I can be treated at the CC. I feel like either postponing the Chemo, or finding somewhere else to do Chemo. My husband basically says to "buck up & stop being b***hy" & do what I need to do. (he just wants me cured, he doesn't care how or where) I'll admit, I have been rather B---hy lately, who wouldn't be after all of this??! I think the way I feel right now is normal and I need to let it all hang out. I think taking pills just covers these emotions temporarily and they've been held in long enough. I've about reached my breaking point. So, my dear sisters.....what do I do??? Where do I go from here?
Wow! So much for brief! :-)
Thank you for your words of wisdom!
♥ Cathy
Comments
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its a mixed bag and only you
its a mixed bag and only you know how you handle things. I knew from previous experience that I would need something to help me manage the anxiety. so i do. I think its a matter of chemistry, life experience. but i simply dont have the energy to deal with all the wayward emotions, hormones etc and deal witht he physical effects. It certainly helps me. but if you saw on the other thread I still lose it from time to time. I was thrilled to read your liver and nodes were good That was awesome.!!!!! I definately think its normal to lose it from time to time but it becomes a persistent problem that interferes with your recovery it should be considered. The med i take does not cover up my emotions it helps me to think more logically through the anxiety. hope things go well for you !0 -
Dear Sis Cat
It's no wonder you feel like you're about to crack with all youakve been through.
If your emotions are interfering with you ability to heal, don't feel like taking them is a crutch or will mask your true feelings. The stress you're going through right now is quite possibly throwing off your normal body chemistry and the meds can help to rectify that.
Please don't be afraid to move forward. We'll all be with you holding your hand.
(((((HUGZ)))))
Sis Cindy0 -
None of this is easy!
Without a doubt, none of this is easy! I guess no one can fully be prepared to hear that we have cancer. I had hoped all during testing that it would be benign because I had fibrocystic breasts. I am a very positive & upbeat person and truly didn't believe I would get bad news. When I did, I felt my whole world rattle & shake! I knew then that I would have to take something to calm my nerves as I would lie in bed, tossing & turning... my mind just would not shut down! I'm not one to take any kind of drugs and always even hesitated to take something for a headache. Prescription pain meds don't sit well with me at all and can't take them. But I do have a script for Lorazapam and I do take it most nights and have, on occasion, taken them during stressful times. I don't really think of it as 'masking' the problem as we know it is real and just need to find a way to get past certain 'moments'. It truly does help. I was worried about becoming addicted and purposely made myself go through a few nights without it and I was fine.
There is just so much uncertainty that goes along with this disease and I don't think any of us can be prepared for what may lie ahead. To take something for anxiety is most definitely a personal choice. My mom used to take Valium and that was something I couldn't handle, but the Lorazapam seems to just take the 'edge' off and it's a welcomed feeling.
I hope you have been doing some unnecessary worrying and that everything turns out peaches & cream!
Hugs ~ Mar0 -
I so well understand !
Cat64, God love your heart! Believe me, I understand every feeling you are experiencing. It's a very scary time when you're told you have cancer.I accepted it very calmly when I was told in Nov. 09,and I felt that was abnormal, because I always said if a dr. ever told me I had cancer, I'm sure I would fall apaprt... I had the lumpectomy and removal of malignant tumor from my breast and 1 Lymph node malignant out of 12 under my arm, that were removed. Still remained so calm, but the day I went to the Cancer Center and was told by the Oncologist that I have to go through 4 rounds of chemo, and then radiation for several weeks after that. THAT is the day I fell apart, and the Dr. decided I needed to take Ativan for awhile. At first I refused to accept that, because I have never taken nerve pills in my life and I am 67 yrs. old. But I finally gave in after much persuasion from my daughter who is an R.N. at the Chemo Center. And I have found they help me tremendously. I only take mine at bedtime, because I couldn't sleep, for thinking too much.
I have got the greatest husband in the world though, who keeps me encouraged and wants to wait on me hand and foot, but I keep telling him I have to stay busy whenever I feel like it so that I can keep all of this off my mind. We will be married 50 yrs. in July, and I just want to get well so we can celebrate it together. So please go on with your chemo treatments and maybe you might want to give those nerve pills a try. I still don't like taking them, but I also don't like taking Chemo and that Neulasta shot, but in the end, it will be worth it all. Hang in there. God bless you.0 -
Wish I could make it better for you
Cat, it breaks my heart to see you are going through such a difficult time. You have always been so supportive of me & sent such encouraging words during my horrible journey. I have never been one to take anti-depressants or nerve pills...I've always said "I like me & don't want to change." However, chemo was my breaking point & I agreed to take Ativan. I don't take it every day, because I am terrified of forming a habit. I do take it some nights when I know sleep isn't going to come & my mind isn't going to slow. It just simply takes the edge off & calms me to an extent.
You have every right to be bit***...you are going through hell. I am learning to stop apologizing for the "many moods of Tina." I didn't ask for this to happen & I don't know exactly how to handle it...I'm learning day by day. My friends & family understand, but nobody understands like the ladies on this site.
To me the following are reasons for bit**iness to be acceptable
1.finding a lump in our breast(self or mammogram) is horrifying
2.waiting for the results of the tests(mammogram, us, biopsies, pathologist reports)
3.hearing the God-awful words "you have breast cancer"...your life just changed forever.
4.making sure we choose a terrific group of doctors(only to find out they might not be so great)
5.being cut on, poked on, prodded on, left in exam rooms, half-naked, freezing
6.dealing with insurance companies & doctors offices trying to get statements
7.dealing with friends & family who just check out during this journey
5.The list goes on & on, but the bottom-line is our bodies, minds, & lives have been changed FOREVER. Therefore, we may not want to wear our smiley face every day.
We just have to dig deep & look for the good...even though sometimes it's really hard. I know we all have realized we are probably a little tougher then we were in when this journey started & we keep digging deeper to find a least an ounce more of strength. For the days you just can't dig deep enough...ATIVAN sure does help.
I am praying that you are soon surrounded with some peace & comfort. We are all here for you.
Huge Hugs,
Tina0 -
I'm sorry that you are
I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time....but believe me when I say we all know how you feel. I hope everything gets easier for you very soon. Take care and I will be thinking of you
Mandi0 -
Hi Cathy,Tinabug said:Wish I could make it better for you
Cat, it breaks my heart to see you are going through such a difficult time. You have always been so supportive of me & sent such encouraging words during my horrible journey. I have never been one to take anti-depressants or nerve pills...I've always said "I like me & don't want to change." However, chemo was my breaking point & I agreed to take Ativan. I don't take it every day, because I am terrified of forming a habit. I do take it some nights when I know sleep isn't going to come & my mind isn't going to slow. It just simply takes the edge off & calms me to an extent.
You have every right to be bit***...you are going through hell. I am learning to stop apologizing for the "many moods of Tina." I didn't ask for this to happen & I don't know exactly how to handle it...I'm learning day by day. My friends & family understand, but nobody understands like the ladies on this site.
To me the following are reasons for bit**iness to be acceptable
1.finding a lump in our breast(self or mammogram) is horrifying
2.waiting for the results of the tests(mammogram, us, biopsies, pathologist reports)
3.hearing the God-awful words "you have breast cancer"...your life just changed forever.
4.making sure we choose a terrific group of doctors(only to find out they might not be so great)
5.being cut on, poked on, prodded on, left in exam rooms, half-naked, freezing
6.dealing with insurance companies & doctors offices trying to get statements
7.dealing with friends & family who just check out during this journey
5.The list goes on & on, but the bottom-line is our bodies, minds, & lives have been changed FOREVER. Therefore, we may not want to wear our smiley face every day.
We just have to dig deep & look for the good...even though sometimes it's really hard. I know we all have realized we are probably a little tougher then we were in when this journey started & we keep digging deeper to find a least an ounce more of strength. For the days you just can't dig deep enough...ATIVAN sure does help.
I am praying that you are soon surrounded with some peace & comfort. We are all here for you.
Huge Hugs,
Tina
You have really been thru the mill..I don't wonder that you are b*tchy..who wouldn't be. But also terrified, frustrated, angry, all of it. Tinabugs list pretty well sums it up. Because of this, I am a great advocate of getting all the help I need. That is why I took 2 Ativans every day, one in the morning and one at bedtime, from the time I felt the lump in June 09, till just after my 4th and final chemo cylce on 12-11. It helped me to keep a hold of the terror I felt and allowed me to use my own power to investigate everything about this, including treatment, on the computer so I was able to make decisions with knowlege and not emotions. My surgeon said he appreciated someone who knew what he was talking about, it really helped me to cope with all of this. I had my losing it days and my breakdowns, this is to be expected but I wasn't eaten alive with feeling I had no control over my own destiny and didn't wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares and not be able to go back to sleep.
Everyone thinks they are going to become dependent on "drugs". I have not taken an Ativan since my last chemo...no reason, no withdrawals, no dependency. But it was there when I needed it. I thank heaven I live in a time where we have miracle drugs to help us with all this horrible fear and anxiety, to help us cope and be able to make rational decisions. To help with those b*tchy days, which I still had and if my husband didn't understand tough nuggies...but he did understand and that's why we have been together for 39 years.
Cathy I don't know how you have been going thru all of this all of this time with nothing to help you relieve your anxiety...get the help you need. You will feel so much better. Oh and by the way, my onc said that Ativan helps with nausea, especially if you let it disolve under your tongue, gets to your blood faster. Well I never had any nausea!
I hope you are able to get the care you deserve and get this over with soon to start living your life again. You are always so helpful on these boards..bless your heart.
Hugs, Judy :-)0 -
Cathy- you have been thru so
Cathy- you have been thru so much, I am amazed you did not "crack" until now. I "cracked" alot sooner, and had less treatment and fewer setbacks than you.
I too was reluctant to accept help for the anxiety with drugs, I was so against it, but finally after weeks of no sleep at nite, trouble eating, feeling just awful back in November of 2009 I filled the Ativan prescription and for about 2 month I took one every nite, had it by my bed with a water bottle handy, it made me very sleepy and what a blessing that was, I got to sleep at nite,- 7 to 8 hrs again. Just recently (Jan.) stopped taking it. With a good nights sleep, eating and having an appetite for food returned and I felt so much better. (do have issues with femara sideeffects, but that's a different story.)
I am all done with treatments except for the femara, and now find that once in a while, when an appointment for mammogram/ultrasound or doctor appt. is coming up, I have trouble sleeping, and I take the Ativan with no regrets.
Do consider the Ativan or something else, Ativan is the only one I have tried and it worked for me.
Good luck
sgamtd0 -
You CAN do this!!!!!
It WILL end!!!!! And then you go on with your life!!!!
It's awful what has happened, but now, you need to do what needs to be done. I suggest having a 'sit down' with your new onc, and explain your anxiety. Describe the 'elephant in the room', ask him/her how to regain a positive attitude at this point....
I didn't take any drugs, but there were plenty of people who wanted me to. I DID have my moments...but then, I just gave myself a break, allowed a pity party (If you remember, breast cancer was my second cancer in a year...), and then went on. I found something to make me laugh every day...even if it was just an episode of MASH...Mel Brooks movies (Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles) ALWAYS did the trick!!!
As you said, it's a personal decision...if it would help you to cope, well, ask for a script.
I also planned a 3-day trip to Palm Springs to a spa after all the treatment was done. It gave me something to look forward to that wasn't cancer related...
Hugs, Kathi0 -
CathyKathiM said:You CAN do this!!!!!
It WILL end!!!!! And then you go on with your life!!!!
It's awful what has happened, but now, you need to do what needs to be done. I suggest having a 'sit down' with your new onc, and explain your anxiety. Describe the 'elephant in the room', ask him/her how to regain a positive attitude at this point....
I didn't take any drugs, but there were plenty of people who wanted me to. I DID have my moments...but then, I just gave myself a break, allowed a pity party (If you remember, breast cancer was my second cancer in a year...), and then went on. I found something to make me laugh every day...even if it was just an episode of MASH...Mel Brooks movies (Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles) ALWAYS did the trick!!!
As you said, it's a personal decision...if it would help you to cope, well, ask for a script.
I also planned a 3-day trip to Palm Springs to a spa after all the treatment was done. It gave me something to look forward to that wasn't cancer related...
Hugs, Kathi
I am sorry and completely understand your feeling. As KathiM I was offered antidepressants many times. I have chosen not to take them at this point, however in addition to humor and comedy I have been using alternative medicine for relaxation, including herbal teas and acupuncture. Soon after my surgery I realized that felt awful physically and emotionally when I do not sleep. So I took Ambient for a month. During Chemo I took Ativan 1 pill every day from nausea and anxiety. After I was done with Chemo I could not sleep and have been taken sleeping pills for 12 months. Regular Ambient 5 mg has worked for me. I am trying get off this medication right now. Good night sleep is very critical for emotional stability, so if you can fix it you will feel better.
You do need to talk to your oncologist. My oncologist has much more compassion when I come with my husband. Of course my husband less emotional when he asked questions and two brains are better than one. I wish I knew my doc attitude change in the beginning of my journey! You need to feel comfortable with treatment plan and location, so do what you think is good for you.
Hugs,
New Flower0 -
Cathy, a little bit of help
Cathy, a little bit of help along the way of this walk is most welcome. Our bodies are worn, emotions torn, and so who cares if we do a temporary covering of those emotions. I was always anti medication. Not anymore. This is a warrior's walk and we sometimes need to take some extra ammuntion to get thru the battle.
I feel like absolute "crap' today. Had chemo this past tuesday and I feel totally disconnected in some kind of outer space. Based on the past infusions, I guess I know I will start feeling somewhat human in the next week or so. Had taxotere for the first time and the side effects are different. My body just doesnt seem to be rebounding like it did in the beginning.
We'll get thru this, cracked, worn and torn, but we will!! I know it. Dont be apprehensive when it comes to getting a little extra help. I've said it so many times, I take zoloft and am so happy it's available for me. Sending a bunch of hugs your way.0 -
wishing you the bestjbug said:Just wanted to send some
Just wanted to send some ((((((((((((cyber hugs))))))))))))))))) your way! Thinking about you and praying that God will give you strength thru the storm.
God Bless...
Julie
i refuse to take the meds its a personall choice everyone must do whats best for them.
im wishing you the best!
teresa0 -
Cat,teresa41 said:wishing you the best
i refuse to take the meds its a personall choice everyone must do whats best for them.
im wishing you the best!
teresa
Big hugs coming your
Cat,
Big hugs coming your way. When I was first diagnosed my doctor put in a prescription for meds in case I needed them. It was like a little lifeline that I could reach out for if I needed them. This was based on past depression that started a year after my first diagnosis. I never needed them this time. They really did help the first time and I was not on them very long. I have never been much of a pill taker but I see now that medication has its place. I think your outer shell cracking is a great analogy. We do have that outer shell and we hope it is strong enough to protect us and get us through all this but sometimes we need a little suit of armor over the top of it. That's what meds can provide.
I will keep you in my prayers that all goes better for you. You have been through the wringer.
Stef0 -
hugsfauxma said:Cat,
Big hugs coming your
Cat,
Big hugs coming your way. When I was first diagnosed my doctor put in a prescription for meds in case I needed them. It was like a little lifeline that I could reach out for if I needed them. This was based on past depression that started a year after my first diagnosis. I never needed them this time. They really did help the first time and I was not on them very long. I have never been much of a pill taker but I see now that medication has its place. I think your outer shell cracking is a great analogy. We do have that outer shell and we hope it is strong enough to protect us and get us through all this but sometimes we need a little suit of armor over the top of it. That's what meds can provide.
I will keep you in my prayers that all goes better for you. You have been through the wringer.
Stef
been thinking of you and wishing you peace0 -
I am so sorry Cathy. JustAmandaMarie29 said:I'm sorry that you are
I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time....but believe me when I say we all know how you feel. I hope everything gets easier for you very soon. Take care and I will be thinking of you
Mandi
I am so sorry Cathy. Just know that we are all here for you. I am glad that you are venting it out here. Maybe that will help some. Take care!
Hugs, Angie0 -
My Dearest Sisterscarkris said:hugs
been thinking of you and wishing you peace
Thank you so much for all your thoughts, prayers, & input on this. It means more to me than I could ever express. After much thought, considering all that each of you have said, the inability to "hold it together" any longer, and desperately needing a good nights sleep, I finally broke down & called for Ativan this morning. (I'm quite sure they will appreciate it too!) :-)
They said this Med can also be used for nausea, how did it work for those of you who have taken it?
I think I am more nervous now about the thought of doing more Chemo than I was in the beginning of this process! I'm really scared of the Herceptin mostly. Hopefully, after a few doses of the Ativan I will look and feel like my pink panther breaking out of it's shell! :-)
Thanks again for always being my shoulders to lean on!
♥ Cathy0 -
tremendous helpCat64 said:My Dearest Sisters
Thank you so much for all your thoughts, prayers, & input on this. It means more to me than I could ever express. After much thought, considering all that each of you have said, the inability to "hold it together" any longer, and desperately needing a good nights sleep, I finally broke down & called for Ativan this morning. (I'm quite sure they will appreciate it too!) :-)
They said this Med can also be used for nausea, how did it work for those of you who have taken it?
I think I am more nervous now about the thought of doing more Chemo than I was in the beginning of this process! I'm really scared of the Herceptin mostly. Hopefully, after a few doses of the Ativan I will look and feel like my pink panther breaking out of it's shell! :-)
Thanks again for always being my shoulders to lean on!
♥ Cathy
Hi Cathy,
I am on the way to have my Ativan refilled...it helps tremendously with nausea & I sleep like a baby. I didn't start taking it until after my 1st treatment & just getting a good nights sleep made me feel so much better.
Huge Hugs,
Tina0 -
CathyCat64 said:My Dearest Sisters
Thank you so much for all your thoughts, prayers, & input on this. It means more to me than I could ever express. After much thought, considering all that each of you have said, the inability to "hold it together" any longer, and desperately needing a good nights sleep, I finally broke down & called for Ativan this morning. (I'm quite sure they will appreciate it too!) :-)
They said this Med can also be used for nausea, how did it work for those of you who have taken it?
I think I am more nervous now about the thought of doing more Chemo than I was in the beginning of this process! I'm really scared of the Herceptin mostly. Hopefully, after a few doses of the Ativan I will look and feel like my pink panther breaking out of it's shell! :-)
Thanks again for always being my shoulders to lean on!
♥ Cathy
So glad you're feeling at least a bit better and are taking steps to get the rest you so badly need.
My doctor prescribed Ativan for me for nausea. Although I didn't need it for nausea, I did have difficulty sleeping some nights, and decided to try the Ativan to see if it would help with that. It did the trick and a good night's rest can truly do wonders for your state of mind as well as for your healing process.
Take good care of yourself, sister!
((((HUGS))))
Sis Cindy0
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