How do you cope with family?
Comments
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Sweet Tat~ sadly, I say with
Sweet Tat~ sadly, I say with a sigh, this could be the 100th chapter of an ongoing saga. So many of us have experienced just what you are going through now, that it is ( or should be!) the subject of a thesis.
It is inexplicable, the reaction of our families, and sometimes those friends we thought would be there for us who we find are now not. The reasons are as myriad as the stars in the sky; fear, ( for us and them!)not knowing at all what to say or do for us, and the proverbial "ostrich therapy"~ if their heads are in the sand, they won't have to be a part of anything scary happening to you and it will come and go, and BAM! You will magically finish treatment and no one will have to be uncomfortable around you! OMG...if it were only that easy.
Difficult as it may be, I suggest you spend as little time as possible worrying about why they are so distant. It isn't likely you can change how they feel/react, and you are in the battle of your very life! So, continue to surround yourself with those who are aleady in your corner, including this amazing online family, and use your energy in positive ways.
Some may come around on their own, and some may not...in the meanwhile, concentrate on yourself, and be loving and content with those who have shown themselves ready, willing and able to be part of your fight and your subsequent victory!
Hugs,
Chen♥0 -
tat2granny
I'm so sorry your family has abandoned you when you need them the most. I don't know why people are like that. Maybe they just don't know what to say. Maybe for some, the emotional investment is too great, and they're afraid you'll require more of them than what they have to give? Or could they be thinking you're going to "leave them", so they'll just start distancing themselves now so the pain won't be so great later? The diagnosis of breast cancer strikes fear in the heart of everyone who hears it, but there's also relief..."it was someone else, not me". But that kind of thinking also brings a burden of guilt as well. I would continue to keep them in the loop with frequent emails. I think the fact that they do keep track of you on myspace shows that they are at least curious to know how you doing. They might be waiting to hear from you, thinking you'll call when you're ready and they "don't want to disturb you." Now, that I've made many excuses for them, the ball's in your court. If you value them in your life, contact them and see if they will tell you why they are too busy to even pick up the phone. You said "...try to convince them that I really have bc...." Do they actually not believe it? I would make the first move. "Hi Sis. I'd like to get together. What day is good for you?" And take it from there. I don't know if this has helped you, but it is what I think and what I'd do. Hugs. Gracie0 -
Tat
I couldn't of said it any better than Chen. But, yes, I too know how you feel. My very own mother, who is no more than 15 minutes away can't even seem to call or visit. The only way I hear from her is if "I" call and only see her on holidays. When I do talk to her, it's all about HER and what SHE has been through. (She's never had BC) It hurts! I can't say to forget about them-but YOU, YOUR needs and YOUR recovery are the most important factor here. No need in "trying" to convince them of anything. They know you have BC and it shouldn't even be a second thought that they should be there for you to offer their support. Rely on the ones you CAN count on and try not to waste any energy on the ones that are not there for you. And yes, WE are all here for you!
♥ Cathy0 -
Of course, you know these
Of course, you know these people the best. I'd like to say that, prior to having breast cancer, I probably seemed like a fairweather friend to my dear ones when they were going through health issues. The reality was, I was very concerned and interested in their situations, but I didn't want to be a bother to them. If it had existed then, I would have been checking their MySpace or Facebook for information concerning how they were, just like your people have done. So I must have appeared silent and aloof to them after my initial offer of, "if there's anything I can do...", although my silence was born out of respect for their need for rest and privacy. I feel like I need to make ammends, now that I have been on the other side of the situation, and have seen just how important contact from loved ones is during the time of health issues! So, I agree with the other responders that, I hope, you can make the first move and 'invite' them to call and keep in touch and ask you out, etc., by telling them you'd like them to do those things. Some of us are dense, interpersonnaly, but not uncaring!0 -
I could actually agree withcrselby said:Of course, you know these
Of course, you know these people the best. I'd like to say that, prior to having breast cancer, I probably seemed like a fairweather friend to my dear ones when they were going through health issues. The reality was, I was very concerned and interested in their situations, but I didn't want to be a bother to them. If it had existed then, I would have been checking their MySpace or Facebook for information concerning how they were, just like your people have done. So I must have appeared silent and aloof to them after my initial offer of, "if there's anything I can do...", although my silence was born out of respect for their need for rest and privacy. I feel like I need to make ammends, now that I have been on the other side of the situation, and have seen just how important contact from loved ones is during the time of health issues! So, I agree with the other responders that, I hope, you can make the first move and 'invite' them to call and keep in touch and ask you out, etc., by telling them you'd like them to do those things. Some of us are dense, interpersonnaly, but not uncaring!
I could actually agree with you 100% IF you were talking about co-workers, neighbors, or even friends. I too would have, and probably did fall into the category you spoke of~ distant but ready to help if asked. Not without care, simply without knowledge.
I have to draw the line with family! My brother in law took a week from work and drove 300+ miles to go to chemo with me ( and cook and clean) when my Reggie at my insistance, took his children houseboating with cousins, grandparents, etc. My brother drove 400 miles to spend the night at a local hotel, as did my EX's sister, and 2 high school friends...so they could be with me the day of surgery. We had a "last supper"..last supper with cancer, that is!
Reggie's brother sat with me during chemo while Reggie ran errands...his sister bought me multi-vitamins. The list goes on and on. None of my family abandoned me, or waited for me to ask them. They either came, called, sent cards,candy, and pink ribbon paraphenalia. My sister and her husband did the Relay for Life with me 6 weeks post surgery! And have never missed a year for the past 5!
So, whereas I am sure my friends didn't really know what I was going through,my family has known me all of my life( really? LOL) and rose to the occasion. As my brother in law said; "It isn't a question of IF I am coming to help you, but only how long it can take me to get there...you are family! It isn't an option!"
Perhaps I am one of the lucky ones; if so, I am ever more thankful and will be sure to let my family know how much I love them and appreciated all they did for me during my treatment.
Some of my friends on the other hand, have fallen by the wayside....
Thanks for your perspective! I love ( and need) seeing things through the eyes of others than myself!
Hugs,
Chen♥0 -
coping with family.
I am sorry you have to deal with this also.I had some of this in the family also.I felt like they really had not excepted that I had BC.Other wise how could they be so distant.At first like many I had lots of calls and visitors.I had visitors after surgery that I really didn,t feel like having.But I would set up all day and visit with them.After a few weeks I didn,t hear from most of them.One sister visited me maybe 3 times in7months.My daughter,my best friend and another friend were my rock in all this.I just tryed to consintrate on getting better.I fiquer if they was ok with treating me that way then I could do with out them.It would have been easier with them I know.I will never forget the ones that were their for me.Take care of your self and try not to get to down about it.I know it is hard.Keep us posted on how you are doing.Love and Prayers.(Pat).0 -
Happened to me too! Myppurdin said:coping with family.
I am sorry you have to deal with this also.I had some of this in the family also.I felt like they really had not excepted that I had BC.Other wise how could they be so distant.At first like many I had lots of calls and visitors.I had visitors after surgery that I really didn,t feel like having.But I would set up all day and visit with them.After a few weeks I didn,t hear from most of them.One sister visited me maybe 3 times in7months.My daughter,my best friend and another friend were my rock in all this.I just tryed to consintrate on getting better.I fiquer if they was ok with treating me that way then I could do with out them.It would have been easier with them I know.I will never forget the ones that were their for me.Take care of your self and try not to get to down about it.I know it is hard.Keep us posted on how you are doing.Love and Prayers.(Pat).
Happened to me too! My sisters really did not help me. One sister did not help me at all, and the other sister brought dinner once. She lives 3 blocks from me!!! then she complained to everyone that i didn't call her!! Oh, yeah,,and my other sister did not come see me at all. I was in the hospital for 3 days and neither came to see me. a disgrace. i also have grown nieces and a large extended family and no one else came to see me either. I have no idea what that was about. I did get several phone calls though, but usually people ended up telling me how sick, tired, they were.0 -
hippurdin said:coping with family.
I am sorry you have to deal with this also.I had some of this in the family also.I felt like they really had not excepted that I had BC.Other wise how could they be so distant.At first like many I had lots of calls and visitors.I had visitors after surgery that I really didn,t feel like having.But I would set up all day and visit with them.After a few weeks I didn,t hear from most of them.One sister visited me maybe 3 times in7months.My daughter,my best friend and another friend were my rock in all this.I just tryed to consintrate on getting better.I fiquer if they was ok with treating me that way then I could do with out them.It would have been easier with them I know.I will never forget the ones that were their for me.Take care of your self and try not to get to down about it.I know it is hard.Keep us posted on how you are doing.Love and Prayers.(Pat).
i was diagnosed in april 2009 i have been on this journey alone i dont have children and my family could care less it is my problem sorry to say but its true thank god i had the strength to get where im at today!
best of luck to you..
) teresa 0 -
Thanksteresa41 said:hi
i was diagnosed in april 2009 i have been on this journey alone i dont have children and my family could care less it is my problem sorry to say but its true thank god i had the strength to get where im at today!
best of luck to you..) teresa
All of you have been a real help! I think I'll just let my family come to me whenever they feel like it. I need to work on me and getting better. I thought I was the only one with a crummy family. Looks like I have a lot of company. Hears hoping we all have a speedy recovery. Love you all and thanks again.0 -
Many people are afraidtat2granny said:Thanks
All of you have been a real help! I think I'll just let my family come to me whenever they feel like it. I need to work on me and getting better. I thought I was the only one with a crummy family. Looks like I have a lot of company. Hears hoping we all have a speedy recovery. Love you all and thanks again.
I am sorry for your feelings. Your family members probably have been shocked and do not know how to react. Definitely focus yourself0 -
you are definitely not aloneNew Flower said:Many people are afraid
I am sorry for your feelings. Your family members probably have been shocked and do not know how to react. Definitely focus yourself
I know how you feel. I pretty much feel like I am fighting this battle alone. My parents are both deceased and I don't have an sisters or brothers except for a half sister 10 years older(who never called much anyway). I have a husband who has stepped up to be supportive. I have 3 children b/g twins 16 and a 20 yr old daughter.That is all the family I have. My teenagers were actually nice to me for about two weeks until the initial shock wore off and my oldest daughter was there for me for about3 weeks. She seems to be the most concerned but now that she is getting her own apartment she has been wrapped up with the excitement of that I kinda got kicked to the curb. Thank God for my sisters in pink because you are always there and never try to downplay my situation. I don't know if anyone else feels this way but it was like when I first found out that I had cancer my little family was very concerned and treated me so nice but now that it has been a month now everyone has moved on and reverted back to their old self like nothing has happened. I told my husband that everyone seems to think that since I had my lumpectomy I am all fine now. Well I am not. It is still here with me as I am having a second surgery on Jan22 to get a wider margin and then I will have radiation. It makes me feel sad that my emotional and physical well being seems to be insignificant to them while they go on with their life as it was and I am very stressed and worried about what I am and will be going through. It kind of reminds me of when my parents died that so many people were there for me at first and then after a little while no one was there anymore as they had all gone back to their own little world while I my world was in shambles. I have decided that my life is worth living for me even if others don't seem to care much. My 16 daughter drives me to tears most of the time because she is so rude, Just one month back before I found out that I had breast cancer, during an argument about her behavior she told me "your life has little significance to most people" and when I asked her for help right after surgery she would say when I told her that "I had surgery and I can't lift yet" and she would reply "I knowwww, we all know" in a very sarcastic way like she felt that I wanted a pity party because I have cancer. Wow! I have really rambled on. So sorry to the ladies that actually took the time to read this long post and I guess I am feeling sorry for myself because I feel like the only family that I have doesn't show they care much. So for those of you who have family that doesn't seem to care, I know how you feel. We will just have to be strong and show them we can get through this battle with or without them. Now that I have let it all out I am going to go find some cheese to go along with my whine lol.0 -
That is Just So Sadterri805 said:you are definitely not alone
I know how you feel. I pretty much feel like I am fighting this battle alone. My parents are both deceased and I don't have an sisters or brothers except for a half sister 10 years older(who never called much anyway). I have a husband who has stepped up to be supportive. I have 3 children b/g twins 16 and a 20 yr old daughter.That is all the family I have. My teenagers were actually nice to me for about two weeks until the initial shock wore off and my oldest daughter was there for me for about3 weeks. She seems to be the most concerned but now that she is getting her own apartment she has been wrapped up with the excitement of that I kinda got kicked to the curb. Thank God for my sisters in pink because you are always there and never try to downplay my situation. I don't know if anyone else feels this way but it was like when I first found out that I had cancer my little family was very concerned and treated me so nice but now that it has been a month now everyone has moved on and reverted back to their old self like nothing has happened. I told my husband that everyone seems to think that since I had my lumpectomy I am all fine now. Well I am not. It is still here with me as I am having a second surgery on Jan22 to get a wider margin and then I will have radiation. It makes me feel sad that my emotional and physical well being seems to be insignificant to them while they go on with their life as it was and I am very stressed and worried about what I am and will be going through. It kind of reminds me of when my parents died that so many people were there for me at first and then after a little while no one was there anymore as they had all gone back to their own little world while I my world was in shambles. I have decided that my life is worth living for me even if others don't seem to care much. My 16 daughter drives me to tears most of the time because she is so rude, Just one month back before I found out that I had breast cancer, during an argument about her behavior she told me "your life has little significance to most people" and when I asked her for help right after surgery she would say when I told her that "I had surgery and I can't lift yet" and she would reply "I knowwww, we all know" in a very sarcastic way like she felt that I wanted a pity party because I have cancer. Wow! I have really rambled on. So sorry to the ladies that actually took the time to read this long post and I guess I am feeling sorry for myself because I feel like the only family that I have doesn't show they care much. So for those of you who have family that doesn't seem to care, I know how you feel. We will just have to be strong and show them we can get through this battle with or without them. Now that I have let it all out I am going to go find some cheese to go along with my whine lol.
My heart is breaking reading what you all have or are going through. But you are not alone. My brother and his wife helped me during the first month of my cancer, then they stopped calling, coming by and helping. My sister-in-law said she did not think she had to take care of me so soon. She also was afraid she would catch my rashes and viruses. I also know that she did not like the attention my brother paid to me while careing for me during the first month. Alot of family reactions I believe are due to selfishess. They are too wrapped in their lives and themselves and the time, care, and committment required to care for a family member with cancer does not fit into their plan. They just don't have it in them to give of themselves for the length of time needed for a family member with cancer. They don't have the stamina.
Thank God I have my Mom. She went to the treatments with me and took care of me when I was very sick after chemo. If it wasn't for her, I know I would not have come out of the worst of my chemo treatments still standing on my feet. Not too many people have the love a mother has which is what is needed for an illness such as this. Not too many people have that unconditional love.
Then there are those who just because they can't see any physical ailments, then surely you can't be as sick as you say or act. They can't see the absesses, the mouth sores, the low blood counts, the stomach issues etc. No one knows what you are going through except those who have gone through it themselves. And just because they knew someone who had cancer, it does not mean they know what you are going through. They probably were not even there during the worst of times, like after a chemo session.
So, I have resolved to hold onto the people who do care about me and care for me during my struggle with cancer and I say to hell with those who don't. I don't waist my days trying to figure them out. That doesn't make it hurt less, but my time is too valuable to waist on them. What goes around; comes around.
And Terri, your daughter will live to regret how she has been treating you. You are significant in her life and I hope she comes to realize this now rather than later.
P0 -
its all about you
I know this might sound bad but right now its all about you, I have friends and family who keep asking me if i am going to do myspace or facebook to see how i am doing and i keep telling them no if they want to know about how i am doing they will will have to call me, I don't answer their emails call me is the only way you will get info about, I have told my mom not to give out info also and my sister wont...lol.... Right now its all about me and i try to keep it that way. You have to do what makes you happy at this point of life.0 -
I share your pain, Terri805, especially with my three teen girlsterri805 said:you are definitely not alone
I know how you feel. I pretty much feel like I am fighting this battle alone. My parents are both deceased and I don't have an sisters or brothers except for a half sister 10 years older(who never called much anyway). I have a husband who has stepped up to be supportive. I have 3 children b/g twins 16 and a 20 yr old daughter.That is all the family I have. My teenagers were actually nice to me for about two weeks until the initial shock wore off and my oldest daughter was there for me for about3 weeks. She seems to be the most concerned but now that she is getting her own apartment she has been wrapped up with the excitement of that I kinda got kicked to the curb. Thank God for my sisters in pink because you are always there and never try to downplay my situation. I don't know if anyone else feels this way but it was like when I first found out that I had cancer my little family was very concerned and treated me so nice but now that it has been a month now everyone has moved on and reverted back to their old self like nothing has happened. I told my husband that everyone seems to think that since I had my lumpectomy I am all fine now. Well I am not. It is still here with me as I am having a second surgery on Jan22 to get a wider margin and then I will have radiation. It makes me feel sad that my emotional and physical well being seems to be insignificant to them while they go on with their life as it was and I am very stressed and worried about what I am and will be going through. It kind of reminds me of when my parents died that so many people were there for me at first and then after a little while no one was there anymore as they had all gone back to their own little world while I my world was in shambles. I have decided that my life is worth living for me even if others don't seem to care much. My 16 daughter drives me to tears most of the time because she is so rude, Just one month back before I found out that I had breast cancer, during an argument about her behavior she told me "your life has little significance to most people" and when I asked her for help right after surgery she would say when I told her that "I had surgery and I can't lift yet" and she would reply "I knowwww, we all know" in a very sarcastic way like she felt that I wanted a pity party because I have cancer. Wow! I have really rambled on. So sorry to the ladies that actually took the time to read this long post and I guess I am feeling sorry for myself because I feel like the only family that I have doesn't show they care much. So for those of you who have family that doesn't seem to care, I know how you feel. We will just have to be strong and show them we can get through this battle with or without them. Now that I have let it all out I am going to go find some cheese to go along with my whine lol.
My seventeen-year-old is being so rude. I got news on a Friday that I would have to do chemo. I told my girls about it and they were okay (we've all been through this before). Then at another point in the weekend, my daughter was ragging on me. I explained that I had received bad news this weekend and I really didn't have the energy to take her on. "It's not all about you, Mom. You know, if you play the 'cancer card' too often, people will stop feeling sorry for you." Yeah, like she ever has.
Then, my middle girl (sixteen) spent the whole weekend cleaning the house. I felt grateful and guilty, because I can tell she's worried about me.
My youngest just goes about "business as usual", and I guess that's a good thing.0 -
Family
Goodness some of these stories bring tears to my eyes. I am so sorry, Tat, and others who are facing indifferent family members. And yes, treatment is a time where you must concentrate on your own physical and emotional well being to the exclusion of most everything else except for dependent children. I agree, Tat, that you could invite these family members to help you and interact with you. They may be waiting for just such an inviation. And I agree that sometimes not knowing what to do can be paralyzing -- though family members should get over it and offer to help. But after one attempt to draw them in, please don't agonize or try to convince anyone of anything, Tat. They know what the situation is and you cannot change who they are or what they'll do. You can only create a soothing, healing environment and invite your family to be your partners. It's their decision after that. Hugs.
Mimi0 -
Teenagers can be so cruelLC815 said:I share your pain, Terri805, especially with my three teen girls
My seventeen-year-old is being so rude. I got news on a Friday that I would have to do chemo. I told my girls about it and they were okay (we've all been through this before). Then at another point in the weekend, my daughter was ragging on me. I explained that I had received bad news this weekend and I really didn't have the energy to take her on. "It's not all about you, Mom. You know, if you play the 'cancer card' too often, people will stop feeling sorry for you." Yeah, like she ever has.
Then, my middle girl (sixteen) spent the whole weekend cleaning the house. I felt grateful and guilty, because I can tell she's worried about me.
My youngest just goes about "business as usual", and I guess that's a good thing.
I'm so sorry Linda and others who have teenagers who are being petulent. There is no excuse, even hormones, for talking to your mother this way. Perhaps they are scared and are ill equipped to express it productively. Maybe family counseling would be beneficial. Hugs.
Mimi0 -
LC815..teenagersLC815 said:I share your pain, Terri805, especially with my three teen girls
My seventeen-year-old is being so rude. I got news on a Friday that I would have to do chemo. I told my girls about it and they were okay (we've all been through this before). Then at another point in the weekend, my daughter was ragging on me. I explained that I had received bad news this weekend and I really didn't have the energy to take her on. "It's not all about you, Mom. You know, if you play the 'cancer card' too often, people will stop feeling sorry for you." Yeah, like she ever has.
Then, my middle girl (sixteen) spent the whole weekend cleaning the house. I felt grateful and guilty, because I can tell she's worried about me.
My youngest just goes about "business as usual", and I guess that's a good thing.
I don't understand how children can be so rude and disrespectful to their parents and especially when we are going through a very difficult time in our lives. I told my 16 yr old daughter that" I am fighting a battle for my life and I can't waste my energy arguing with someone so uncaring and selfish". i lost my mother when I was 19 yrs old due to a heart attack and the bottom of my world fell out. I try to tell my kids how life is so fragile and uncertain and that "if" we love our friends and family we should show them everyday because once they are gone you will have a lot of regrets.My mom's death was a shock as she had not been sick at all. At 19 I thought she would be around forever. There were so many things that I wish I had done and said more often but I could not go back and do it. My kids think I "make a big deal of it" when I tell them of my experience and how I felt when I lost my mom and this was way before I was dx. i don't want my kids to be obsessed with me and I want them to enjoy their young life but have some kind words and consideration for me along the way and maybe give me some moral support when I am feeling down instead of arguing and complaining when I ask for some help now and then. I think I will survive the cancer but it's the teenagers that are gonna get me down.Hopefully, LC815 our children will understand one day what they put us through and how hurtful it is for us to love and nurture them since birth only to have them kick you when you are down and need them to be there for you. I sometimes think that someone took my sweet little angels and replaced them with the devils children. They are not the loving sweet kids I raised. I hope they come back soon.0 -
Hi Tat
I am sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, it does happen. Sad to say, I lost my best friend a few years back and thought that I had more of a connection with her kids as if I were a blood aunt. Boy was I wrong. The "kids", now all into their 20's, did what your family did. Kept up with my progress on Facebook. Only my Godson thought to write once in a while. When I did question them on why they backed off, I was told by another "aunt" that I was whiney, needy, clingy, and toxic - to find my support elsewhere. It hurt a lot. And the fact that since then, neither of the girls have contacted me at all in any way. I have decided that when the time is right, I will retire from my job and get the hell out of Dodge. In other words, pack up and move back to NYC or somewhere in New York. Maybe to my nieces in Florida, who have been more than supportive. Anywhere but here. Why people think we are lepers I have no idea and at this point in my recovery, I really just don't care anymore. I have my life to lead and don't need their snotty baggage. Live for yourself and your family - those who really care about you. Sorry I vented, but your post hit a very raw nerve.
Hugs - Pat0 -
Tat I am sorry you are having family issues.
I had not really thought of my family until reading this thread. I have my Mom and a brother. I talk to Mom daily,my calling by choice, and my brother whenever. Neither has offered to take me to an appointment (I've had about 50 since Sept)or cook or clean or even visit,but as said I had not thought about it.
I need them to be here to talk to,that is their support. If I did not have it I would call and ask why not. My Mom is elderly and does not drive a lot, my brother works 7 days a week and has his own family health issues. Now I do wish they could be here to help me clean or make tonights dinner.
I intend to ask them both tonight if and when they could come by.
I do have some friends that have reacted as your family has, and that is how they have chosen to be and so be it.When this is over,so are they.I have 2 friends who explained their absence by saying they just can't stand to see me sick! Nice! I can't stand to see me either!
Good luck to you,focus on you, think about calling your family.
Peace0
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