It never ends,does it?

I hear you!
It's a double sided sword.

On the one hand, we know what "healthy" people don't always know. We understand that our lives can change in a diagnosis and that every day matters. All my family members and close friends know that I love them because I say it every chance I get. I am my authentic self because that's how I want people to know me. I know that material things are great but love is all that matters. I get that my feelings count and by expressing my feeling is healing for myself and others. I knew that before Feb when I was diagnosed, but I didn't live it. What a blessing.

On the other hand, I know that how I take care of myself can be a life and death decision. I can't be casual about my nutrition, my doctor visits, my exercise, etc. I partner with my body is staying alive. I always said, "I am so healthy", and I miss that. I was very carefree where my health was concerned. I ate suger when I wanted it, had a drink when I wanted one, ate beef several times a week and only excersised when I felt like it. Oh for the days!

We take the good with the bad but I have to admit, I am a better person since my BC diagnois.
But still......

God bless!

Roseann

Wolfi said:

Sight
Roseann,

I "see" things differently since my bc diagnosis. I try not to let small things bother me (like I would have before). I try not to get worked up over things I have no control over. I notice the colors of the trees and the grass like I didn't before. I appreciate the time (no matter how little) that I spend with my kids, husband and cats. I look at our fish tanks and wonder what kind of lives the fish have in there - what do they think of while swimming in the same 40 gallons day after day?

I don't worry too much about stuff at my job (although this is still a work in progress because I'm a recovering workaholic). I feel good when I know I've eaten enough servings of fruits, vegetables and fiber in a day but don't beat myself up on days when I don't make the count.

Some exercise is better than none and I try to at least do a little each day no matter how bad I feel.

You're right!
Wolfi,

I went to my chiropractor for the first time since my diagnosis. Ten months ago, she said my shoulder muscles were tight and it was obvious that I was under a lot of stress. She expected to see me in worse condition because of all I had been through. My shoulder muscles were like mush. My adrenals were great, etc. I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. I do need to increase me excersise. Thanks for the tip of some is better than nothing.

Roseann

Akiss4me said:

Healthy and Fit
It wasn't that long ago! It seems that this is the hardest thing to except. I didn't feel "unhealthy" when I was diagnosed, but I sure do now! I felt fine when I was really sick, and feel terrible now that they are making me well? Does this make any sense? So should I worry when I start to feel good again that I may actually be sick? Arggggh, I hope we all find our balance! ♥Pammy

Oh No!
Isn't this just so scary? I don't think i will ever feel healthy or good to go in my life. I am scared stiff, and more..........sorry.
It's always there isn't it? Am I paranoid to be thinking this?...Or would I be stupid to NOT be thinking this way?
Don't answer, I am just venting, I've had enough of this stuff. Hugs to you all esp Pammy......Jxxxxxxxxx

never ending.
Hi everyone.I am replying because these were my same thoughts when I woke up this morning.I had my second chemo treatment Weds.I woke up with joints hurting like crazy.And sick at my stomach.And I was thinking,is this ever going to end.And that my life like some of you said will never be the same.Every mamogram,any Dr. appointment will always be more of a worry.And I am just starting with my treatments.after Chemo I have 6 to 7wks. of Rads. to go.Right through winter.I guess I am venting also.But sometimes It just feels darn good to do this.Thanks for listning my dear friends.(Pat).

The gift that keeps on giving ...
Yes, I agree with the sentiments that all of you have expressed. I do believe that bc is the gift that keeps on giving. I hate going to any doctor now because of the admonishments as well as helpful and instructional conversations. My body now aches with pains, my muscles scream when I try to hook my bra or fix my waistband in the back or reach for something on a high shelf. Reminds me of a song - "body all aching and racked with pain." I do believe these pains are all related to aromotase inhibitors and tamoxifen. I know, I know. These are "wonder drugs" for bc patients and we are all greatful that they exist. But, in the wee small hours of the morning (what am I - on a musical lyrics kick here?) I cry for the days before breast cancer. I felt good, the world felt good, and my life was good. Sorry - I had to vent, too. Hugs, Marilynn

Marcia527 said:

I have other health problems
I have other health problems that affect me more than breast cancer. I will never get better but worse so today will always be better than tomorrow. Each day I wonder if I will be able to do certain things for how much longer. I'm not on medication. I have Parkinson's. Have trouble cutting up potatoes, buttoning clothing, putting change away or even turning a key in the lock. I limp now. I've fallen twice in the past two years. Have to be careful and take my time. The hardest is it's hard to read because I shake the book. I use to sew and paint. I use to walk on the treatmill an hour a day. Had to stop because of toe curling.

But your situation is still yours to deal with and that makes it difficult. So it's good you vented. I guess I just vented too.

Oh Marcia -
I am so sorry you have Parkinson's added to the bc. I never knew too much about it until I saw Michael J. Fox and how his body is attacking him. I will keep you in my prayers and offer up my Sunday Mass to you this week. Vent all you want, you deserve to and this is the place to do it.
Hugs and prayers - Pat

padee6339 said:

Oh Marcia -
I am so sorry you have Parkinson's added to the bc. I never knew too much about it until I saw Michael J. Fox and how his body is attacking him. I will keep you in my prayers and offer up my Sunday Mass to you this week. Vent all you want, you deserve to and this is the place to do it.
Hugs and prayers - Pat

Thank you Pat. That is a
Thank you Pat. That is a very thoughtful thing.

My husband said, "Sometimes you're the bug and sometimes you're the windshield." We just have to cope with it. I've found I can always ask for help.

tgf said:

Stuff
Since we've all be diagnosed with breast cancer I think I can truthfully say we are always going to be a bit paranoid about every little ache, pain, bump and bruise. But ... that may not abe so bad. Unlike some people ... we are VERY aware of our body and when something just might not "feel right." While some people may think we are being paranoid ... we need to look at it as pro-active. We want to have things checked out ... and catch things early. That is NOT a bad thing. It's just different from how we used to look at how our bodies worked before. But ... this is our new normal and we are strong ... and we will adjust to this "new" normal.

big hugs,
teena

We're forever changed...
Hi my friends,

We have looked death in the face and lived to talk about it! Remember after diagnosis when we didn't know what to expect and thought we were on our way out. Well, we're still here. We are living our lives on purpose instead of having days go by unnoticed. I live each day a little more than I would have, I laugh a little louder, cry a little harder and most of all I love to the max. I am not my body (I'm glad because at 59 I'm no longer the hottie I used to be) and I am definately not my cancer. Excuse the soap box but it's Friday and I'm having a great day.

Roseann

MAJW said:

ROSEANN
LOVE YOUR ATTITUDE! Especially the "hottie" I can relate....I'm 58.....I have a brother in law and sister in law who live in a retirement community in Florida...a beautiful place.....we visit them, I think the average age is about 76........I love going there because at 58 I feel like a "FOX!"

I have come to accept...
It was not long ago, months really, when I felt that my world was falling apart. I was in a state of constant dispair and could not pull myself out of my on-going depression.

Nothing has changed, really, in the last month or two except for my attitude. I, like all of us, have looked death and fear right in the face and said, "Not now," otherwise we would not be on these boards sharing our deepest inner feelings with people we have never met and may never meet during our lifetimes.

As a cancer survior, I have come to appreciate my own mortality, but I have also come to appreciate my life. I have sought forgiveness for the wrongs I have done and the people who were hurt by those wrongs. I have come to realize that, though I have cancer and one that will likely return, that for the moment I am healthy in my mind and spirit. I am not the same person I was before the cancer; mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or physically, but I have evolved to become someone that can respect where I have been, where I am right now, and where I hope to be tomorrow.

I was told that I have only a 30% change of living without cancer, these are not great odds, but I have no choice but to accept those odds. I have a choice to dwell on the other 70%, or fear the 30%. I, however, have chosen not to dwell on or to fear either.

Do I become angry? Of course I do. I was angry on Friday when the copier at my school was broken again for the umpteenth time that week and I wasted my entire prep hour re-doing my work on another computer that was connected to a printer that DID work.

Am I angry about having cancer? Not really. I wish I did not have these scars on my body, the pain, or the disappointment that I may not enjoy longevity and the good health that is typical in my family. But angry? No, I'm overjoyed that today when I awoke, the sun was just beginning to rise and my pup was eagerly greeting me at my bedside for our daily morning walk. I'm honored to have another day with those whom I love and who love me, and to awake to my pup licking my hand-what an unconditional love she has for me! I'm thankful that, for today, my pain is less than it was yesterday even after my half-hour workout and my mile or so walk with my pup.

What's there to angry about; the fact that I have cancer? Shouldn't I be estatic that I'm alive to talk about it, regardless of how many months or years I have to live?

I was given, as all of us, a disease that has the ability to cripple you emotionally and spiritually, but only if you allow it to happen. Physically, we may never be the same again, but I believe that what people see is merely a subsequential covering for the substance that really counts and is contained inside. This realization has taken me years to understand and accept-cancer, I suppose, helped to hasten my arrival to this realization. Instead of anger, I should be grateful that I came to this realization while I still have the opportunity to live it and to share it with others.

On that note, I hope that everyone here has a most joyous day and can find something they are thankful for, too.

dmc