Farewell

SonSon
SonSon Member Posts: 174
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My mother-in-law died on Tuesday afternoon. Her funeral was Wednesday.
There were only 5 days that she did not eat or drink, and less than 2 of those days laboring to breath. I decided to display some of the snapshots she brought with her by using hairpins to clip them to the nearby lampshade. That is when I noticed she'd stopped breathing.
It was really hard for my husband - I thought he'd gone crazy some moments. He has not really done any work until this morning and then only for a short while.
Strangely (or maybe not so strange) my tiger cat slept on the bed with her and even when hospice came he refused to get off the bed and started getting aggressive when they reached to touch him (he usually runs off when people come to the house). He was even hissy at me when I tried to put him down. He's spent a lot of time on her bed these last few weeks.
All the medical equipment is gone and I have given the house a good once over to clean it.
I will probably collect her clothes and donate them this weekend. Waiting for takers on the cane, walker, shower bench and toilet riser.
It feels strange to go out and do things I haven't done for months. Almost guilty.
**sigh**
Even though it has been difficult and it is good for her to go, there is a hole in my life.
Fatima

Comments

  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    Prayers
    My prayers are with you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss. Don't feel guilty about doing things. Guilt seems to sneak up on us at the strangest times. Hug your husband. As you know, life is too short to spend time feeling guilty. Fay
  • poopsiegal
    poopsiegal Member Posts: 23
    AT PEACE
    WE DIDNT LOSE OUR MOM WE LOST OUR SON ON THE 17 OF SEPT AND U KNOW I KNOW THE GUILT FEELING YOU ALL ARE HAVING AND SOMETIMES ANGER WHEN YOU C HOW SO MANY HAVE MADE IT AND OUR LOVE ONE HAS GONE ON BUT I LOOK AT IT NOW AS A BLESSING BECAUSE NOW HE HAS NO MORE PAIN NO MORE PILLS NO MORE TEST AND NO MORE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS NOW WE HAVE THE PAIN BUT BEING HIS MOM I HAVE RELEIF IN KNOWING HE IS WITH GOD AND WHAT BETTER PLACE TO BE.
    I AM LOST RIGHT NOW IN MY LIFE BECAUSE NOW I HAVE TIME AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THE FREE TIME THAT USETO BE SPENT WITH HIM I HAVE RETURNED BACK TO WORK BUT STHE DAYS I AM OFF IS WHATS HARD BUT I JUST KEEP PRAYING AND ASKING GOD FOR THE STRENGTH TO ENDURE WE TO HAVE CLEANED OUT THE HOUSE AND ETC BUT IT FEELS LIKE A VOID IS THERE AND WE JUST PRESSS ON BECAUSE OUR SON WOULD WANT US TO AND HE WOULD WANT ME TO STAY ON THIS SITE TO ENCOURAGE THOSE THAT ARE STILL HERE AND FIGHTING TO CONTINUE ON TO HOLD YOUR HEAD UP AND GIVE THIS CANCER THE FIGHT IT DESERVES AND TO KNOW YOU MUST PRAY YOUR WAY THROUGH AND KEEP GOD IN FRONT OF YOU AND NO MATTER HOW TIRED YOU GET YOU MUST PRESS ON OUR SON FOUGHT A GOOD FIGHT AND HELD ON TILL THE END BUT GOD KNEW WHAT WAS BEST AND THAT WAS TO GIVE HIM REST OUR SON WAS ONLY 28 BUT WE ALL HAVE OUR APPOINTED TIME AND WHILE WE HERE WE MUST USE OUR TIME TO ALWAYS HELP OTHERS MAY GOD KEEP YOU AND YOUR HUBBY AND I KNOW WE ALL WILL HAVE BETTER DAYS WE WILL MISS OUR LOVE ONES BUT WE CARRY THEM IN OUR HEART.STAY STRONG AND YOU ALL STAY IN GOD.
  • jimbeam50
    jimbeam50 Member Posts: 47

    AT PEACE
    WE DIDNT LOSE OUR MOM WE LOST OUR SON ON THE 17 OF SEPT AND U KNOW I KNOW THE GUILT FEELING YOU ALL ARE HAVING AND SOMETIMES ANGER WHEN YOU C HOW SO MANY HAVE MADE IT AND OUR LOVE ONE HAS GONE ON BUT I LOOK AT IT NOW AS A BLESSING BECAUSE NOW HE HAS NO MORE PAIN NO MORE PILLS NO MORE TEST AND NO MORE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS NOW WE HAVE THE PAIN BUT BEING HIS MOM I HAVE RELEIF IN KNOWING HE IS WITH GOD AND WHAT BETTER PLACE TO BE.
    I AM LOST RIGHT NOW IN MY LIFE BECAUSE NOW I HAVE TIME AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THE FREE TIME THAT USETO BE SPENT WITH HIM I HAVE RETURNED BACK TO WORK BUT STHE DAYS I AM OFF IS WHATS HARD BUT I JUST KEEP PRAYING AND ASKING GOD FOR THE STRENGTH TO ENDURE WE TO HAVE CLEANED OUT THE HOUSE AND ETC BUT IT FEELS LIKE A VOID IS THERE AND WE JUST PRESSS ON BECAUSE OUR SON WOULD WANT US TO AND HE WOULD WANT ME TO STAY ON THIS SITE TO ENCOURAGE THOSE THAT ARE STILL HERE AND FIGHTING TO CONTINUE ON TO HOLD YOUR HEAD UP AND GIVE THIS CANCER THE FIGHT IT DESERVES AND TO KNOW YOU MUST PRAY YOUR WAY THROUGH AND KEEP GOD IN FRONT OF YOU AND NO MATTER HOW TIRED YOU GET YOU MUST PRESS ON OUR SON FOUGHT A GOOD FIGHT AND HELD ON TILL THE END BUT GOD KNEW WHAT WAS BEST AND THAT WAS TO GIVE HIM REST OUR SON WAS ONLY 28 BUT WE ALL HAVE OUR APPOINTED TIME AND WHILE WE HERE WE MUST USE OUR TIME TO ALWAYS HELP OTHERS MAY GOD KEEP YOU AND YOUR HUBBY AND I KNOW WE ALL WILL HAVE BETTER DAYS WE WILL MISS OUR LOVE ONES BUT WE CARRY THEM IN OUR HEART.STAY STRONG AND YOU ALL STAY IN GOD.

    My deepest sympathy
    I am sorry to read about your losses and extend my prayers and deepest sympathy to you and your families. Sheila
  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670

    AT PEACE
    WE DIDNT LOSE OUR MOM WE LOST OUR SON ON THE 17 OF SEPT AND U KNOW I KNOW THE GUILT FEELING YOU ALL ARE HAVING AND SOMETIMES ANGER WHEN YOU C HOW SO MANY HAVE MADE IT AND OUR LOVE ONE HAS GONE ON BUT I LOOK AT IT NOW AS A BLESSING BECAUSE NOW HE HAS NO MORE PAIN NO MORE PILLS NO MORE TEST AND NO MORE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS NOW WE HAVE THE PAIN BUT BEING HIS MOM I HAVE RELEIF IN KNOWING HE IS WITH GOD AND WHAT BETTER PLACE TO BE.
    I AM LOST RIGHT NOW IN MY LIFE BECAUSE NOW I HAVE TIME AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THE FREE TIME THAT USETO BE SPENT WITH HIM I HAVE RETURNED BACK TO WORK BUT STHE DAYS I AM OFF IS WHATS HARD BUT I JUST KEEP PRAYING AND ASKING GOD FOR THE STRENGTH TO ENDURE WE TO HAVE CLEANED OUT THE HOUSE AND ETC BUT IT FEELS LIKE A VOID IS THERE AND WE JUST PRESSS ON BECAUSE OUR SON WOULD WANT US TO AND HE WOULD WANT ME TO STAY ON THIS SITE TO ENCOURAGE THOSE THAT ARE STILL HERE AND FIGHTING TO CONTINUE ON TO HOLD YOUR HEAD UP AND GIVE THIS CANCER THE FIGHT IT DESERVES AND TO KNOW YOU MUST PRAY YOUR WAY THROUGH AND KEEP GOD IN FRONT OF YOU AND NO MATTER HOW TIRED YOU GET YOU MUST PRESS ON OUR SON FOUGHT A GOOD FIGHT AND HELD ON TILL THE END BUT GOD KNEW WHAT WAS BEST AND THAT WAS TO GIVE HIM REST OUR SON WAS ONLY 28 BUT WE ALL HAVE OUR APPOINTED TIME AND WHILE WE HERE WE MUST USE OUR TIME TO ALWAYS HELP OTHERS MAY GOD KEEP YOU AND YOUR HUBBY AND I KNOW WE ALL WILL HAVE BETTER DAYS WE WILL MISS OUR LOVE ONES BUT WE CARRY THEM IN OUR HEART.STAY STRONG AND YOU ALL STAY IN GOD.

    May I make a suggestion?
    We lost Mom 5 years ago last month. It is hard to fill the hours after our loved ones have gone beyond our help when we have been used to devoting most of our days to their care.
    This is what I did: When clearing out Mom's things, I came upon a large box of costume jewelry, some of which I remembered playing dress up with as a child. So, with Christmas coming up soon, I decided to dismantle the pieces of jewelry and make tree ornaments from them. They turned out quite nice (about 75 ornaments in all), and I then gave them to family and friends as 'remembrance pieces'. Everyone was thrilled to have them.
    What I am suggesting is that the lonely hours can be made easier by creating something in memory of our loved one. It could be a rock garden on the lawn, or some piece of needlework (I also made shadow boxes from Mom's sewing notions for two granddaughters who were not yet born when she died), or anything that reminds you of your loved one or has touched their life in some way. Some people like to volunteer in some good work that was close to their loved one's heart. There is no limit to the kinds of tributes we can pay to our dear departed one. And there is healing in knowing that the influence of our loved ones continues in our efforts.
    God bless.
  • akbetty
    akbetty Member Posts: 38
    Fatima
    I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother-in-law. I know that you put your whole heart into taking care of her. As for the guilt, my husband died on Monday and was buried yesterday, and it seems so wrong for me to go out and do normal things. But I know that our loved ones want us to go on with our lives, so I am trying to keep the memories, and of course the sadness, and let go of the guilt. My thoughts are with you and your husband.
    Betty
  • sue Siwek
    sue Siwek Member Posts: 279
    akbetty said:

    Fatima
    I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother-in-law. I know that you put your whole heart into taking care of her. As for the guilt, my husband died on Monday and was buried yesterday, and it seems so wrong for me to go out and do normal things. But I know that our loved ones want us to go on with our lives, so I am trying to keep the memories, and of course the sadness, and let go of the guilt. My thoughts are with you and your husband.
    Betty

    can't and do not want to
    can't and do not want to know what you are experiencing. have been fighting the fight for 10yrs. as of oct 1st. peace be with you.
  • sue Siwek
    sue Siwek Member Posts: 279
    so long. you and your
    so long. you and your family have in a way been set free. it will take time to let it go. lost my parents 20 years ago 6 months apart, will miss them till my dying day, they gave me so much. you can take comfort in the fact that you gave your mother in law love and care until the end, more than some children give their parents. you are a good women, wife and mother, be proud and comforted by your efforts.
  • onlyhuman
    onlyhuman Member Posts: 99
    Love is sometimes about letting them go
    I am so sorry for your loss. As you said, it was her time to go. Fill the void in your life with memories. As you provide your husband with the support he needs, do remember to take of yourself also.
    Regards
  • SonSon
    SonSon Member Posts: 174
    onlyhuman said:

    Love is sometimes about letting them go
    I am so sorry for your loss. As you said, it was her time to go. Fill the void in your life with memories. As you provide your husband with the support he needs, do remember to take of yourself also.
    Regards

    Warming thoughts...
    Thank you for your comments - very heartwarming. I am sorry about the losses you all have shared, too.
    We have visited her grave every day this week. I hope my husband stops that soon. It is hard on him. I don't want him to stop altogether - just not every day. But he is an only son and it is very hard on him.
    She did a lot of knitting. She has a whole bag of yarn remnants. I have set it aside thinking that maybe something can be done with it but not sure what yet.
    Someone mentioned anger about having lost someone (the 28 year old son, I think) while so many have survived. I can really really relate to that. I remember in July going to someone's house to pick up a filing/storage cabinet that I found for sale through Craig's list. When I got there the guy was talkative and mentioned that he could not help me lift the cabinet since he got his port removed recently. I looked at him puzzled because I was not sure what he was talking about. He said that he had non-hodgkins lymphoma but was in remission. I had a mixed response but the overwhelming color of my emotions was anger. I literally thought to myself "why does this guy survive and my mother in law is suffering so much?". Truly I was happy that the guy survived - I congratulated him on that - but I felt anger, too. At that point I was nearly hopeless about her case. I did not tell the guy about all my feelings but did share that my mother-in-law had breast cancer. I also told him that I did not want to talk much about it because I would just cry and I needed the strength to move that cabinet. He did share an interesting story with me about going to see Spamalot in New York City a couple years ago. He had a T-shirt that says "I'm not dead yet" (it is a funny line from Monty Python's Holy Grail movie). His story motivated me to try to squeeze as much life into my mother-in-law's days and to avoid living as though she were dead already (not be so hopeless).
    She was a really lovely woman and treated my like her own daughter (she only has a son).
    I have her clothes packed in a box ready to send to a thrift store. Not taking them out just yet in case my husband says he wants to keep something. I did leave out the bonnet she wore because he said something about smelling it the other day. He and I are both anxious to get rid of the "sick" equipment. Trying to remember her better days.
    When we visit her grave he gives her a "news report" - almost like a regular conversation. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to see if it really is all true. At least she is at peace now and not suffering.
    Fatima
  • angelsbaby
    angelsbaby Member Posts: 1,165 Member
    SonSon said:

    Warming thoughts...
    Thank you for your comments - very heartwarming. I am sorry about the losses you all have shared, too.
    We have visited her grave every day this week. I hope my husband stops that soon. It is hard on him. I don't want him to stop altogether - just not every day. But he is an only son and it is very hard on him.
    She did a lot of knitting. She has a whole bag of yarn remnants. I have set it aside thinking that maybe something can be done with it but not sure what yet.
    Someone mentioned anger about having lost someone (the 28 year old son, I think) while so many have survived. I can really really relate to that. I remember in July going to someone's house to pick up a filing/storage cabinet that I found for sale through Craig's list. When I got there the guy was talkative and mentioned that he could not help me lift the cabinet since he got his port removed recently. I looked at him puzzled because I was not sure what he was talking about. He said that he had non-hodgkins lymphoma but was in remission. I had a mixed response but the overwhelming color of my emotions was anger. I literally thought to myself "why does this guy survive and my mother in law is suffering so much?". Truly I was happy that the guy survived - I congratulated him on that - but I felt anger, too. At that point I was nearly hopeless about her case. I did not tell the guy about all my feelings but did share that my mother-in-law had breast cancer. I also told him that I did not want to talk much about it because I would just cry and I needed the strength to move that cabinet. He did share an interesting story with me about going to see Spamalot in New York City a couple years ago. He had a T-shirt that says "I'm not dead yet" (it is a funny line from Monty Python's Holy Grail movie). His story motivated me to try to squeeze as much life into my mother-in-law's days and to avoid living as though she were dead already (not be so hopeless).
    She was a really lovely woman and treated my like her own daughter (she only has a son).
    I have her clothes packed in a box ready to send to a thrift store. Not taking them out just yet in case my husband says he wants to keep something. I did leave out the bonnet she wore because he said something about smelling it the other day. He and I are both anxious to get rid of the "sick" equipment. Trying to remember her better days.
    When we visit her grave he gives her a "news report" - almost like a regular conversation. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to see if it really is all true. At least she is at peace now and not suffering.
    Fatima

    Son Son
    I am sorry for your loss, Death is very hard to deal with i have just been there with my husband i did go to the cemetary like everyday for a month a least now i go once every weekend. I just miss him so much that i want to be near him. Its a shock when someone you love dies it just is.

    take care

    michelle
  • slickwilly
    slickwilly Member Posts: 334

    Son Son
    I am sorry for your loss, Death is very hard to deal with i have just been there with my husband i did go to the cemetary like everyday for a month a least now i go once every weekend. I just miss him so much that i want to be near him. Its a shock when someone you love dies it just is.

    take care

    michelle

    akbetty and son son
    I am so sorry for the loss your families have suffered. I hope you both have caring and loving people around you to help you through this page in your life. Its now time to remember the good things about those we love and have loved. When we leave this life most of us want to be remembered for the good things we did and the lives we touched. I am sure you both have many good things to reflect upon. To everyone here that has suffered through the loss of a loved one or close friend my prayers are always with you. Slickwilly
  • byzlady
    byzlady Member Posts: 1
    Your loss
    I am so sorry for your loss. It takes a special person to do all you have. God Bless you and your family.