Hubby having hard time
Thank You!
Cathy
Comments
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Hey Cathy
If he wasn't with
Hey Cathy
If he wasn't with you when you were told then he probably needs to see the facts. He needs to see the stats on breast cancer and that it is a very curable disease now.I was much less scared the more I educated myself, and he may be too.I know there are some very good books for husbands that some of the other ladies can recomend.
Dee0 -
Awwwwww.....bless his heart!
Awwwwww.....bless his heart! I have a theory which my Sisters In Pink know all too well~ but it seems to be quite true, even though it is a generalization. Here it is, in a nutshell:
Women Nurture, Men Fix!
As women, we are the first ones to organize car-pooling, or casserole-making, baby-sitting, gift purchasing, bridal and baby showers, etc etc etc. When our girlfriends are down, we know what to do~ get our nails done, or shop, or watch chick flicks, cry and hug and **** and whine too!
Men? Well, again this is a generalization~ when they can't FIX what is wrong ( as in BC) they often either abdicate,get angry, or in the case of your sweet man~ fall apart. They pretty much aren't able to do any of the aforementioned conmforting things. And you are wanting to take care of him!! It is really lovingly classic!
He must love you very, very much! I am not sure just how you can reassure him. It is fine and dandy that there are hundreds/thousands of Warrior-Survivors here on the boards. But they are not YOU...they are not his darling wife. You are!
With both of you going through medical situations right now, perhaps he also feels less able to care for you, and that is making him feel guilty, and less "manly" ( your words!)as well.
You know him best...just love him and tell him you are fighting this TOGETHER, and you will come through this one together!!!!
We have an amazing husband and wife team on these very boards~Moopy23 and her Soulmate Extraordinnairre Aortus. I will put a shout out to them and I feel certain you will hear from them on what they did to stay strong and focused during this battle which you ARE going to win!
Hugs to you both,
Chen♥0 -
CATHY
I'm so sorry to hear that your husband is having a hard time. My hubby had a very difficult time at first also. All he could think about was losing me. There is a very good book called "Breast Cancer Husband" by Marc Silver. We got it through Amazon. My husband learned so much from reading it. Good Luck to you and him! Hugs, Diane0 -
Husbands and BCchickad52 said:CATHY
I'm so sorry to hear that your husband is having a hard time. My hubby had a very difficult time at first also. All he could think about was losing me. There is a very good book called "Breast Cancer Husband" by Marc Silver. We got it through Amazon. My husband learned so much from reading it. Good Luck to you and him! Hugs, Diane
Breast Cancer Husband is a really good book for men to read. My hubby is a macho big tough guy too. But, he also, thank God, has a soft side to him. This year was my 2nd time with breast cancer, so, it was much harder. I was only 34 the first time and we were so young and naive that it was so much easier for us. This time, he came in the door minutes after I was told on the phone that I had bc again. He just held me on the floor as we both cried together. BC is tough on us and on our husbands. They want to protect us, to keep us from all harm, and with bc, they feel inept. Like there is nothing they can do. But, I told my hubby that there is something he can do. I told him to just love me, laugh with me and to live a full and long life with me. And, could he do that? His answer was an instant YES! His strength and his physical presence being by my side thru all of the treatments meant more than anything. And, we have a strong belief and faith in God. You just need to talk to your husband. And, I mean really talk. No boundries. And, if he cries, let him. If he wants to be held, hold him. But, be honest with each other. Let your feelings come out. And, you will both find a better understanding of what living with bc is about. Good luck hon, to you and to your husband!
Love, Jeanne ♥
♥0 -
Cathy
You are very lucky to have a guy that loves you that much.Which means you are a very special person as well.I wonder if like me one of my biggest fears is me and my husband will get sick at the same time.My husband has health issues two.Sounds like he needs someone like a friend that he can talk two.He probly don,t want to worry you more by telling you all his feelings.Also maybe a church pastor.Good luck.God Bless.(Pat).0 -
Hi Catppurdin said:Cathy
You are very lucky to have a guy that loves you that much.Which means you are a very special person as well.I wonder if like me one of my biggest fears is me and my husband will get sick at the same time.My husband has health issues two.Sounds like he needs someone like a friend that he can talk two.He probly don,t want to worry you more by telling you all his feelings.Also maybe a church pastor.Good luck.God Bless.(Pat).
Poor guy....I know he is so worried. Its great he is there for you. Someone told me that I would find myself helping my loved ones get through my sickness...and they were right. I find myself consoling my friends and family more than they are consoling me. Just stay positive and let him know you will be okay. Wish I had more advice, Im single, LOL!!
Sam0 -
Bad memories
I remember all too well how I felt 10 months ago, when the most important person in my life - my lively, wonderful Moopy - got handed her diagnosis... and I, her adoring husband and protector, could do nothing to save her. Or even help her very much.
There wasn't anything anyone could do or say to help me feel at ease. I wish there was, for I would certainly make a note of it and pass it on. I do recall that my own concerns and fears had a way of punching me in the gut at the strangest possible times. Not so much when I was with Moopy, because I always felt stronger (still do) when Moopy is with me. But at work, or in the middle of the night, or while walking the dogs...
I don't remember exactly when these feelings started to fade away, but they did. Probably after Moopy had her surgery in November, when there actually were things I could do for her, like (for example) taking care of her drains. I think that time helped too. More than once, Moopy pointed out for my benefit that she was currently still alive and had every intention of staying that way for years to come. Stumbling upon this discussion board in January was very helpful, because I like to talk online. The bottom line is that Moopy and I developed an ability to compartmentalize the BC and found ways of enjoying the moments of sunlight we obtained in this way... however brief they were at first.
If you think it would help your husband to talk, please send me a private message here on the discussion board and I will send you my email address. I hope and pray for the best for both of you, and I know Moopy will do likewise... when she gets home from her second full day back to work!
Regards,
Joe0 -
Cat,Aortus said:Bad memories
I remember all too well how I felt 10 months ago, when the most important person in my life - my lively, wonderful Moopy - got handed her diagnosis... and I, her adoring husband and protector, could do nothing to save her. Or even help her very much.
There wasn't anything anyone could do or say to help me feel at ease. I wish there was, for I would certainly make a note of it and pass it on. I do recall that my own concerns and fears had a way of punching me in the gut at the strangest possible times. Not so much when I was with Moopy, because I always felt stronger (still do) when Moopy is with me. But at work, or in the middle of the night, or while walking the dogs...
I don't remember exactly when these feelings started to fade away, but they did. Probably after Moopy had her surgery in November, when there actually were things I could do for her, like (for example) taking care of her drains. I think that time helped too. More than once, Moopy pointed out for my benefit that she was currently still alive and had every intention of staying that way for years to come. Stumbling upon this discussion board in January was very helpful, because I like to talk online. The bottom line is that Moopy and I developed an ability to compartmentalize the BC and found ways of enjoying the moments of sunlight we obtained in this way... however brief they were at first.
If you think it would help your husband to talk, please send me a private message here on the discussion board and I will send you my email address. I hope and pray for the best for both of you, and I know Moopy will do likewise... when she gets home from her second full day back to work!
Regards,
Joe
Joe, Claudia, Jeanne
Cat,
Joe, Claudia, Jeanne and the others have covered so much of this already. I will just say that my husband has had a much rougher time with my cancers than I ever have. Although he has been with me every step of the way and is completely supportive in every way he feels helpless. He cooked, cleaned, did anything and everything for me, but he can't fix it, can't cure it, and can't make it disappear. What Claudia said is too true. Men have an inborn need to fix. My hubby cries with me, holds me, loves me and although I tell him constantly that this is the best thing he can do for me, he still feels the need to do more. But as time went by he saw that I was going to be okay. My first cancer was his worst fear. With each new one, we worried together and then got on to the plan to fight it. I don't know what to tell you to help you to help him but that book sounds like a good start and talking with our dear Joe would be, I think, an immense help. Joe and Moopy are the poster kids for fighting cancer together. They truely are as one. I wish you god speed and my prayers are with you and your husband as you fight this battle.
Stef0 -
Menfauxma said:Cat,
Joe, Claudia, Jeanne
Cat,
Joe, Claudia, Jeanne and the others have covered so much of this already. I will just say that my husband has had a much rougher time with my cancers than I ever have. Although he has been with me every step of the way and is completely supportive in every way he feels helpless. He cooked, cleaned, did anything and everything for me, but he can't fix it, can't cure it, and can't make it disappear. What Claudia said is too true. Men have an inborn need to fix. My hubby cries with me, holds me, loves me and although I tell him constantly that this is the best thing he can do for me, he still feels the need to do more. But as time went by he saw that I was going to be okay. My first cancer was his worst fear. With each new one, we worried together and then got on to the plan to fight it. I don't know what to tell you to help you to help him but that book sounds like a good start and talking with our dear Joe would be, I think, an immense help. Joe and Moopy are the poster kids for fighting cancer together. They truely are as one. I wish you god speed and my prayers are with you and your husband as you fight this battle.
Stef
Even though having bc is horrible on us, our poor husbands suffer so much too. I know mine tries to be so strong and so positive for me. He went to every appointment with me, every radiation treatment. He always calls me during the day just to tell me that he loves me, he buys me anything I want, he takes me anywhere I want. He does this because he is lost as to how to "fix" this. And, you know what? He can't fix this. Noone can. Bc is just something that we have to go thru, get treatment, and then go live our lives to the fullest. My husband really broke down one night when we were talking. He cried and cried. And, that wasn't easy for my 6'5" manly man. He just said he felt so useless. He said that he wanted to help me, to protect me, to take all of this horrible nightmare of bc away from me and he couldn't. I think that night helped him more than anything. He finally got some of his emotions out that he had been holding in. I urge you to speak with your husband about this. Do it alone, with no interference. If you have to, leave and go somewhere private. I hope some of this helps you. Good luck!
♠♣ Susie ♠♣0 -
Same boat as you
My husband is an emotional wreck, too. Crying all the time as if I'm already gone. He tells me he knows it will be bad news tomorrow when I get results. His lack of faith is getting me down and scares me to think what he'll be like if it is bad news. I just want things to be ok and get better soon. The kids are more supportive.0 -
I hope that your husband andlaurissa said:Same boat as you
My husband is an emotional wreck, too. Crying all the time as if I'm already gone. He tells me he knows it will be bad news tomorrow when I get results. His lack of faith is getting me down and scares me to think what he'll be like if it is bad news. I just want things to be ok and get better soon. The kids are more supportive.
I hope that your husband and you can talk about your bc, your treatment and your dancing with NED soon! Think positivly, and, hopefully he will too.
HUGS!0 -
Wow!survivorbc09 said:I hope that your husband and
I hope that your husband and you can talk about your bc, your treatment and your dancing with NED soon! Think positivly, and, hopefully he will too.
HUGS!
I have not cried since my diagnosis. After reading all of your responses-I balled! It was all good though! Where do I begin?... He has been right by my side holding my hand this entire time. He has only missed 1 test and that was because I knew he was exhausted and insisted he stay home and rest. Him & I have been together 20 years, known each other 27, have been through alot of ups and downs as most couples have, but I believe that those trials strenghtened our love for each other and has brought us to where we are now. We communicate so much more, know what each others thinking, feeling, and even what the other is going to say at times! We are best friends. YES I am so fortunate! He truly is my soulmate! He did not understand why I have been spending so much time on this board, after reading to him what I wrote & all of your responses(which also made him cry)now he knows. Now he knows how I have acquired the strength,courage,hope,attitude,and even humor that I so desperately needed to get through this battle. I truly don't know how I can thank you all enough for that! At first when I mentioned the book, he said you know I don't read, about an hour later he said ok, I may check it out. I could only laugh when I told him I had already ordered it! He smiled.:-)And I do believe JOE(you wonderful man you!)he will be contacting you! CHEN-thank you for alerting him. He's now sleeping like a baby(even though I'm not because I'm worried about his upcoming surgery) I do believe that this discussion has given him some peace. It's hard to respond to all of your posts when I can't see them all at once, so if I have missed anything I'm sorry! I will go back and try to respond when I can. Thank you all for your advice, suggestions, thoughts, and prayers! I pray for all of you each and every night!
Cathy0 -
Dianechickad52 said:CATHY
I'm so sorry to hear that your husband is having a hard time. My hubby had a very difficult time at first also. All he could think about was losing me. There is a very good book called "Breast Cancer Husband" by Marc Silver. We got it through Amazon. My husband learned so much from reading it. Good Luck to you and him! Hugs, Diane
I did order the book and thank you for the recommendation! I have to say that I have noticed, no matter what the topic, you are always there to give advice when you can, wish one well, offer hugs, prayers, etc...and sometimes you may not even say much, but what you do say is so powerful! Yet I hardly ever see you post for yourself! I'm not much for words, but I just wanted to let you know how much you are appreciated and loved for this! :-)
Hugz,
Cathy0 -
Chenchenheart said:Awwwwww.....bless his heart!
Awwwwww.....bless his heart! I have a theory which my Sisters In Pink know all too well~ but it seems to be quite true, even though it is a generalization. Here it is, in a nutshell:
Women Nurture, Men Fix!
As women, we are the first ones to organize car-pooling, or casserole-making, baby-sitting, gift purchasing, bridal and baby showers, etc etc etc. When our girlfriends are down, we know what to do~ get our nails done, or shop, or watch chick flicks, cry and hug and **** and whine too!
Men? Well, again this is a generalization~ when they can't FIX what is wrong ( as in BC) they often either abdicate,get angry, or in the case of your sweet man~ fall apart. They pretty much aren't able to do any of the aforementioned conmforting things. And you are wanting to take care of him!! It is really lovingly classic!
He must love you very, very much! I am not sure just how you can reassure him. It is fine and dandy that there are hundreds/thousands of Warrior-Survivors here on the boards. But they are not YOU...they are not his darling wife. You are!
With both of you going through medical situations right now, perhaps he also feels less able to care for you, and that is making him feel guilty, and less "manly" ( your words!)as well.
You know him best...just love him and tell him you are fighting this TOGETHER, and you will come through this one together!!!!
We have an amazing husband and wife team on these very boards~Moopy23 and her Soulmate Extraordinnairre Aortus. I will put a shout out to them and I feel certain you will hear from them on what they did to stay strong and focused during this battle which you ARE going to win!
Hugs to you both,
Chen♥
You said that perfectly about men & women. Yes, I truly do know how much he loves me, he never goes a day without telling me or showering me with it! I had never thought about the "fixing" part! Once I gave that more thought, like how he reacts to not being able to figure out what's wrong with the vehicles, lawnmowers, toilets, etc. and not being able to "fix" them, it all rang very true! Poor man-he's on the roller coaster too! Only in a different way.
Yes, I do feel the need to take care of him as well, only I have finally come to the realization that I cannot "fix" him either. He has to make the changes in his own life for his own health & well-being as do I. It's kind of ironic-this whole time he has been there encouraging me, making sure I eat right, do what I need to do, not do what I shouldn't, telling ME how HE doesn't want to live w/o ME, so on so forth, yet ignoring & putting off his own issues. I finally turned the table on him and now he's putting his own words into action! So now, we literally are in these battles 2-gether, it's no longer 1-sided. MEN! Why do they have to be so complicated?!
Even though I don't always respond to your posts,I really enjoy reading them. You are one of my favs! You always give such great advice and add that special touch of humor in your responses. It's great! I admire your way with words! Inkblot is pretty powerful too! Wow! That woman can write! Anyhow, thanks again for alerting Aortus! Your help is most greatly appreciated!
Hugz,
Cathy0 -
Book for husbandsCat64 said:Wow!
I have not cried since my diagnosis. After reading all of your responses-I balled! It was all good though! Where do I begin?... He has been right by my side holding my hand this entire time. He has only missed 1 test and that was because I knew he was exhausted and insisted he stay home and rest. Him & I have been together 20 years, known each other 27, have been through alot of ups and downs as most couples have, but I believe that those trials strenghtened our love for each other and has brought us to where we are now. We communicate so much more, know what each others thinking, feeling, and even what the other is going to say at times! We are best friends. YES I am so fortunate! He truly is my soulmate! He did not understand why I have been spending so much time on this board, after reading to him what I wrote & all of your responses(which also made him cry)now he knows. Now he knows how I have acquired the strength,courage,hope,attitude,and even humor that I so desperately needed to get through this battle. I truly don't know how I can thank you all enough for that! At first when I mentioned the book, he said you know I don't read, about an hour later he said ok, I may check it out. I could only laugh when I told him I had already ordered it! He smiled.:-)And I do believe JOE(you wonderful man you!)he will be contacting you! CHEN-thank you for alerting him. He's now sleeping like a baby(even though I'm not because I'm worried about his upcoming surgery) I do believe that this discussion has given him some peace. It's hard to respond to all of your posts when I can't see them all at once, so if I have missed anything I'm sorry! I will go back and try to respond when I can. Thank you all for your advice, suggestions, thoughts, and prayers! I pray for all of you each and every night!
Cathy
This is a frightening and helpless time for all husbands. My surgeon had a book in the waiting room which my husband started to read while we were waiting and liked it so much that he bought his own copy from Amazon.com. The book is "Breast Cancer Husband" by Marc Silver. It might address some of his concerns from a male perspective.
When we said, "For better or for worse" non of us were prepared for this.
Roseann0 -
Women nurture, men fix...chenheart said:Awwwwww.....bless his heart!
Awwwwww.....bless his heart! I have a theory which my Sisters In Pink know all too well~ but it seems to be quite true, even though it is a generalization. Here it is, in a nutshell:
Women Nurture, Men Fix!
As women, we are the first ones to organize car-pooling, or casserole-making, baby-sitting, gift purchasing, bridal and baby showers, etc etc etc. When our girlfriends are down, we know what to do~ get our nails done, or shop, or watch chick flicks, cry and hug and **** and whine too!
Men? Well, again this is a generalization~ when they can't FIX what is wrong ( as in BC) they often either abdicate,get angry, or in the case of your sweet man~ fall apart. They pretty much aren't able to do any of the aforementioned conmforting things. And you are wanting to take care of him!! It is really lovingly classic!
He must love you very, very much! I am not sure just how you can reassure him. It is fine and dandy that there are hundreds/thousands of Warrior-Survivors here on the boards. But they are not YOU...they are not his darling wife. You are!
With both of you going through medical situations right now, perhaps he also feels less able to care for you, and that is making him feel guilty, and less "manly" ( your words!)as well.
You know him best...just love him and tell him you are fighting this TOGETHER, and you will come through this one together!!!!
We have an amazing husband and wife team on these very boards~Moopy23 and her Soulmate Extraordinnairre Aortus. I will put a shout out to them and I feel certain you will hear from them on what they did to stay strong and focused during this battle which you ARE going to win!
Hugs to you both,
Chen♥
Chen, that is so true. When I am asked how HubbyDearest is doing, I say "He can't fix me, so he's fixing everything around the house." So far, he's painted the entire outside-2 1/2
stories, and now he's painting the window & door trims. He rebuilt the bench we have in the front, and fixed the swing. He has a long list, that as soon as the top thing is finished, something is added to the bottom. He's always been good about maintenance and finishing projects, but now, even more so. I told my friend "I'm milkin' it" LOL. Every so often I suggest something else that I'd like to have him do... like washing the outside windows on that I can't get to.
Cat, the ladies here have shared good advice, especially about the book, and you might contact ACS to see if there is a support group for husbands in your area. Also, the chat rooms here are a great place for your hublet to talk to others and share his feelings with them.
Hugs, Gracie0 -
SamSam726 said:Hi Cat
Poor guy....I know he is so worried. Its great he is there for you. Someone told me that I would find myself helping my loved ones get through my sickness...and they were right. I find myself consoling my friends and family more than they are consoling me. Just stay positive and let him know you will be okay. Wish I had more advice, Im single, LOL!!
Sam
Some days I would say you can have him-but,for the most part he's a keeper! Thanks for your constant uplifting words! Ahhh...the single days :-) I hope that someday you find your Mr. Right!
Cat0 -
I think you and your husbandCat64 said:Wow!
I have not cried since my diagnosis. After reading all of your responses-I balled! It was all good though! Where do I begin?... He has been right by my side holding my hand this entire time. He has only missed 1 test and that was because I knew he was exhausted and insisted he stay home and rest. Him & I have been together 20 years, known each other 27, have been through alot of ups and downs as most couples have, but I believe that those trials strenghtened our love for each other and has brought us to where we are now. We communicate so much more, know what each others thinking, feeling, and even what the other is going to say at times! We are best friends. YES I am so fortunate! He truly is my soulmate! He did not understand why I have been spending so much time on this board, after reading to him what I wrote & all of your responses(which also made him cry)now he knows. Now he knows how I have acquired the strength,courage,hope,attitude,and even humor that I so desperately needed to get through this battle. I truly don't know how I can thank you all enough for that! At first when I mentioned the book, he said you know I don't read, about an hour later he said ok, I may check it out. I could only laugh when I told him I had already ordered it! He smiled.:-)And I do believe JOE(you wonderful man you!)he will be contacting you! CHEN-thank you for alerting him. He's now sleeping like a baby(even though I'm not because I'm worried about his upcoming surgery) I do believe that this discussion has given him some peace. It's hard to respond to all of your posts when I can't see them all at once, so if I have missed anything I'm sorry! I will go back and try to respond when I can. Thank you all for your advice, suggestions, thoughts, and prayers! I pray for all of you each and every night!
Cathy
I think you and your husband will get thru this just fine Cathy. Just be open and share your feelings, each of you.
Sue
0 -
It's hard on them...
Hi Cathy. It really is hard on our husbands. Mine has never missed an appointment with me yet and has made sooooo many sacrifices I never wanted him to have to do. It does break our hearts. It's bad enough that we have to have this disease, but it just rocks their world also. It really becomes a family disease. If it were him, I would accept it unconditionally and do what ever I had to. But because it is me, well, I feel quilty that his world got rocked just the same. He is a great man and so deserves a restful and peaceful life after raising our family and caring for his sick family for years!! Sigh....yep, it breaks our hearts. I just tell him how blessed I am that he is here and how much I need him to be. We are strong and sometimes I think they feel not needed, because we handle things so well. It seems the more I ask him to do something for me, the more involved he feels. He can't fix it, but he can darn well handle any problems that come up!! Keep talking, keep walking, and keep your head up!! ♥Pammy0
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