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help me

Posts: 4
Joined: Aug 2009

my wife and i are have in trouble!! i have been fighting kidney cancer or 5 years and rigt now i feel the best i'v felt in 5 years. i'm back, from the dazed and confused and mean person i have been seance we started this 5 years ago. but now that i'm better my wife does not feel excited or intimate with me now. she says that she has grown and that i have stayed the same( she has learned to live without me and i still need her to live. this is true i do still love her like it was are wedding day!!! but she does not have those feelings for me.

i have been sleeping on the couch for the last 7 nights as a experiment by her choosing. i have asked her and tried to discus where thing with her to see how she is and how she thought the experiment might be going. but she does not know. she tells me that she does not want to divorce but to day tell me that considers us separated.

i don't know where to go from here. i cant live with out er but i don't know how to live like this ether.

Posts: 4
Joined: Sep 2009

My MOM just past from cancer and she pushed everyone away.Have you ever thought that your wife is scared that you will get sick again.I hope I am not sounding cold hearted.I see your point on what you are saying. this stuff effects everyone not just the person sick.She sound like she still loves you maybe just scared.I don't know her too say that but give that some thought friend.

donna_lee's picture
Posts: 1018
Joined: Feb 2009

But I can relate. I'm female and am the one "with" cancer. We've been married 45 years and I know I've been distant at times over the previous 3 years that I've been dealing with RCC and the 2 recurrences.
Sometimes it started out as my husbands fear that he would hurt me -which was true.

I don't know where you live, but some type of counseling would be good. Last year, when I was having my meds for depression changed around, the bottome fell out of my life and I started crying, etc. I made the appointment with a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and my husband went with me on the first trip. It helped because we got to put each of our agenda items on the same page.
There are many places to turn to. Your primary care physician or oncologist could make a referral. The county may have a counseling program, mental health agencies.

My local Hospice and Palliative Care Facility sponsors a Cancer Survivors Support Group that I attend weekly. Lots of support for the cancer aspect but also what else is going on in your life...also included are caregivers (spouse, sister, friends). Hospice also has a counseling program for people who have/had cancer. Some may charge a fee; ours is free for patients.

Do not wait for your wife to make a decision. Take responsibility for this now and look for someone to talk to. (Some people don't do church, so I haven't mentioned a pastor.)
Go without your wife if you need to. Whoever you find will be able to offer ways of encouraging your wife to come in also.

Write back and let me know what action you have taken. The ball is in your court now.
Good luck, donna_lee

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