Why do I feel ungrateful?
So....now last week he hardly ate anything. So this week I tell him he needs to tell me what he wants me to buy because I keep buying stuff I "think" he would like or can eat and end up tossing it. So today when I tell him he needs to tell me he tells me "Not to worry about it that ex is taking care of all the food for him" HUH?!?! WHAT???? Hello want to TALK to ME???
Ok -- I should feel grateful that someone is doing something since I'm also working full time but it's the EX and no one told me. So, of course whenever I say anything about how I feel the "Oh I don't need this now stop being jealous, I'm in too much pain to hear, listen, etc" or the "oh she hates me she's only doing this to make the kids feel like they are helping me" -- then tell the kids to come over and help ME.
Ok....thanks for letting me vent ---- does anyone think I'm wrong for how I feel????
Comments
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You are not wrong at all! I
You are not wrong at all! I wish I had words of wisdom for you especially since my husband too has an ex from H... and we've been married for 20 years. I don't know what your husband is thinking but personally I would make him explain exactly what he's thinking.0 -
Too many cooks in the kitchen...
It would be different if the "ex" was in the picture for the kids...but that is not the case.
No woman allows another woman to come into her kitchen and start cooking - No woman would allow another woman to step into her family and start operating as "woman of the house"...
Your husband needs to choose.
That is my perspective. Maybe it is wrong - maybe this whole "ex helps the man" thing works out for everybody (but I seriously doubt it).
Fatima0 -
newbride,
You have every
newbride,
You have every right to be upset. Many women (including me) would be upset with another woman (especially an ex) coming into their home to comfort their partner. It's understandable that you are hurt when he tells the ex what he needs instead of you.0 -
Put a Stop to this NONSENSE!!!
This is definitely something you do not have to tolerate for one more minute. You just have to tell your husband, that although you understand more than anyone that he does not feel well , that out of respect for yourself this will no longer be going on. Sometimes with this illness men tend to become more passive than they were previously. Even though he may seem angry at first, in the long run he will be glad that you put an end to it. I hope everything works out, you and your husband have enough stress to deal with already.0 -
If I was in your position,...
and, I had a wife, home with cancer and an ex ready willing and able to become her male nurse, I would object and object strongly! If they divorced, it was because one or both of them decided that the split was necessary. Once a person commits to a new relationship, that new relationship must work out any of the logistical problems that may result from an illness. "Third wheels" belong on tricycles, not in marriages!
Love and Courage!
Rick0 -
similar experience - now separating
Newbride,
When my wife (kidney cancer, on chemo) told me that she had to have another caregiver in her life that understood her needs more than me, I backed off and let her start a relationship with a male cancer survivor. I had similar jealousy feelings that I did not handle very well.
Now, 4 months later, she is on her last round of chemo, and she has told me that she and I are going to separate as soon as she feels better (planned for Nov 1), and she wants to pursue a romantic relationship with this caregiver.
Not the same as your situation (they are all different) - but I wish I would have been stronger earlier on and made her make a choice between the two of us.
I've seen your other posts, and I respect and admire your efforts and dedication - good luck to you."0 -
Follow Upgthufford said:similar experience - now separating
Newbride,
When my wife (kidney cancer, on chemo) told me that she had to have another caregiver in her life that understood her needs more than me, I backed off and let her start a relationship with a male cancer survivor. I had similar jealousy feelings that I did not handle very well.
Now, 4 months later, she is on her last round of chemo, and she has told me that she and I are going to separate as soon as she feels better (planned for Nov 1), and she wants to pursue a romantic relationship with this caregiver.
Not the same as your situation (they are all different) - but I wish I would have been stronger earlier on and made her make a choice between the two of us.
I've seen your other posts, and I respect and admire your efforts and dedication - good luck to you."
Ok....so I pick hubby up from the hospital yesterday and while I'm there his son calls my cell phone to ask if they should come by tonight with the food. I still have not had a chance to talk this through with hubby so I just tell his son "Look I'll call you back because I just got to the hospital and I'm trying to get your dad out of here as soon as we are home I will call you"
So I didn't say anything at that moment but when we got in the car I was very quiet and then when we were almost home I said "you can call your son and let him know if you want your food" immediately by the way I said it he could tell something was up and said "what's wrong"
I explained how I felt and of course as I could have predicted - his response was "Look we need help and she has offered. YOU need help - take it where you can get it" I tried to explain to him it's not that I don't want her doing it -- it's HOW it came to be. If he felt I needed help then say to me "Look, you are doing a great job but you are working full time, taking care of the house, etc and you need some help I'm going to ask ex and the kids to pitch in and help you - are you ok with this" -- if it came about that way then fine I'm ok with it. Or if she picked up the phone and said "Look - I know how overwhelming it can be to be a caregiver are you ok if me and the kids put some stuff together and drop it off". That would be fine too --- it's the point that the 2 of them discussed it - made agreements and didn't tell ME! That's the issue at hand which for some reason he cannot see.
Let me just mention -- she is NOT coming in my house and cooking -- he's on a liquid diet right now -- she is making all the juices etc at her place and bringing them over.
She and I are civil and in fact get along fine for the most part. I love his kids to death and really get along great with them so that is why I make the effort to be civil with her as well -- there will be graduations, weddings, babies, etc later down the road and it will make things much easier.
After the whole thing yesterday and even though I don't think he really understood the entire thing I did break down and let everything out - how scared I am, not knowing if the treatment will work, etc and that everything is getting to me and yes I do need help but I want to be part of the decision. In fact I have actually agreed to let his sister come stay with us for 3 days next week to clean my condo - he offered and after thinking it over for a few days welcomed her to help me.
On the bright side, his kids came over today with juices and also veggies to make more juice, etc -- the ex did not come with them -- I'm fine with that.0 -
Follow upnewbride said:Follow Up
Ok....so I pick hubby up from the hospital yesterday and while I'm there his son calls my cell phone to ask if they should come by tonight with the food. I still have not had a chance to talk this through with hubby so I just tell his son "Look I'll call you back because I just got to the hospital and I'm trying to get your dad out of here as soon as we are home I will call you"
So I didn't say anything at that moment but when we got in the car I was very quiet and then when we were almost home I said "you can call your son and let him know if you want your food" immediately by the way I said it he could tell something was up and said "what's wrong"
I explained how I felt and of course as I could have predicted - his response was "Look we need help and she has offered. YOU need help - take it where you can get it" I tried to explain to him it's not that I don't want her doing it -- it's HOW it came to be. If he felt I needed help then say to me "Look, you are doing a great job but you are working full time, taking care of the house, etc and you need some help I'm going to ask ex and the kids to pitch in and help you - are you ok with this" -- if it came about that way then fine I'm ok with it. Or if she picked up the phone and said "Look - I know how overwhelming it can be to be a caregiver are you ok if me and the kids put some stuff together and drop it off". That would be fine too --- it's the point that the 2 of them discussed it - made agreements and didn't tell ME! That's the issue at hand which for some reason he cannot see.
Let me just mention -- she is NOT coming in my house and cooking -- he's on a liquid diet right now -- she is making all the juices etc at her place and bringing them over.
She and I are civil and in fact get along fine for the most part. I love his kids to death and really get along great with them so that is why I make the effort to be civil with her as well -- there will be graduations, weddings, babies, etc later down the road and it will make things much easier.
After the whole thing yesterday and even though I don't think he really understood the entire thing I did break down and let everything out - how scared I am, not knowing if the treatment will work, etc and that everything is getting to me and yes I do need help but I want to be part of the decision. In fact I have actually agreed to let his sister come stay with us for 3 days next week to clean my condo - he offered and after thinking it over for a few days welcomed her to help me.
On the bright side, his kids came over today with juices and also veggies to make more juice, etc -- the ex did not come with them -- I'm fine with that.
You are right,this should have been discussed with you first. As we know,it is in a man's nature that if there is a problem they just fix it and forget it. They tend not to look at things from all the emotional angles and analize them all before reaching a decission. It sounds like it is going to fine. I'm glad to hear that you do have a civil relationship with her and a loving relationship with the kids. They probably feel like they are being a great help to you and their father. As long as she dosen't bring it in and serve it to him!!! Sounds like you are o.k. with it,just remember that you are in control of this situation and if it becomes something you are not comfortable with, let the ex know [ these decissions are to be made by you].
take care, Trish0 -
Third Wheels...terato said:If I was in your position,...
and, I had a wife, home with cancer and an ex ready willing and able to become her male nurse, I would object and object strongly! If they divorced, it was because one or both of them decided that the split was necessary. Once a person commits to a new relationship, that new relationship must work out any of the logistical problems that may result from an illness. "Third wheels" belong on tricycles, not in marriages!
Love and Courage!
Rick
Rick - I love your "Third wheels" comment - cute.0 -
I applaud your candor!newbride said:Follow Up
Ok....so I pick hubby up from the hospital yesterday and while I'm there his son calls my cell phone to ask if they should come by tonight with the food. I still have not had a chance to talk this through with hubby so I just tell his son "Look I'll call you back because I just got to the hospital and I'm trying to get your dad out of here as soon as we are home I will call you"
So I didn't say anything at that moment but when we got in the car I was very quiet and then when we were almost home I said "you can call your son and let him know if you want your food" immediately by the way I said it he could tell something was up and said "what's wrong"
I explained how I felt and of course as I could have predicted - his response was "Look we need help and she has offered. YOU need help - take it where you can get it" I tried to explain to him it's not that I don't want her doing it -- it's HOW it came to be. If he felt I needed help then say to me "Look, you are doing a great job but you are working full time, taking care of the house, etc and you need some help I'm going to ask ex and the kids to pitch in and help you - are you ok with this" -- if it came about that way then fine I'm ok with it. Or if she picked up the phone and said "Look - I know how overwhelming it can be to be a caregiver are you ok if me and the kids put some stuff together and drop it off". That would be fine too --- it's the point that the 2 of them discussed it - made agreements and didn't tell ME! That's the issue at hand which for some reason he cannot see.
Let me just mention -- she is NOT coming in my house and cooking -- he's on a liquid diet right now -- she is making all the juices etc at her place and bringing them over.
She and I are civil and in fact get along fine for the most part. I love his kids to death and really get along great with them so that is why I make the effort to be civil with her as well -- there will be graduations, weddings, babies, etc later down the road and it will make things much easier.
After the whole thing yesterday and even though I don't think he really understood the entire thing I did break down and let everything out - how scared I am, not knowing if the treatment will work, etc and that everything is getting to me and yes I do need help but I want to be part of the decision. In fact I have actually agreed to let his sister come stay with us for 3 days next week to clean my condo - he offered and after thinking it over for a few days welcomed her to help me.
On the bright side, his kids came over today with juices and also veggies to make more juice, etc -- the ex did not come with them -- I'm fine with that.
Your courage to be honest with your husband about your concerns is very admirable and will ultimately serve you during this time of turmoil. You are stronger and smarter than you realize. I know that you will emerge from this just fine.
Love and Courage!
Rick0 -
i may be sticking my nosenewbride said:Follow Up
Ok....so I pick hubby up from the hospital yesterday and while I'm there his son calls my cell phone to ask if they should come by tonight with the food. I still have not had a chance to talk this through with hubby so I just tell his son "Look I'll call you back because I just got to the hospital and I'm trying to get your dad out of here as soon as we are home I will call you"
So I didn't say anything at that moment but when we got in the car I was very quiet and then when we were almost home I said "you can call your son and let him know if you want your food" immediately by the way I said it he could tell something was up and said "what's wrong"
I explained how I felt and of course as I could have predicted - his response was "Look we need help and she has offered. YOU need help - take it where you can get it" I tried to explain to him it's not that I don't want her doing it -- it's HOW it came to be. If he felt I needed help then say to me "Look, you are doing a great job but you are working full time, taking care of the house, etc and you need some help I'm going to ask ex and the kids to pitch in and help you - are you ok with this" -- if it came about that way then fine I'm ok with it. Or if she picked up the phone and said "Look - I know how overwhelming it can be to be a caregiver are you ok if me and the kids put some stuff together and drop it off". That would be fine too --- it's the point that the 2 of them discussed it - made agreements and didn't tell ME! That's the issue at hand which for some reason he cannot see.
Let me just mention -- she is NOT coming in my house and cooking -- he's on a liquid diet right now -- she is making all the juices etc at her place and bringing them over.
She and I are civil and in fact get along fine for the most part. I love his kids to death and really get along great with them so that is why I make the effort to be civil with her as well -- there will be graduations, weddings, babies, etc later down the road and it will make things much easier.
After the whole thing yesterday and even though I don't think he really understood the entire thing I did break down and let everything out - how scared I am, not knowing if the treatment will work, etc and that everything is getting to me and yes I do need help but I want to be part of the decision. In fact I have actually agreed to let his sister come stay with us for 3 days next week to clean my condo - he offered and after thinking it over for a few days welcomed her to help me.
On the bright side, his kids came over today with juices and also veggies to make more juice, etc -- the ex did not come with them -- I'm fine with that.
i may be sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. i have never had to deal with a step family. i just want to tell you that we have 4 sons, 3 daughter in laws and 5 grandchildren. i know that they all want to help their father be well. if you can get past the ex and think of those children you adore that want more than anything to make their father healthy again let them bring the juices that their mother prepares, it will make them feel that they are helping.0 -
it's not about the kidssue Siwek said:i may be sticking my nose
i may be sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. i have never had to deal with a step family. i just want to tell you that we have 4 sons, 3 daughter in laws and 5 grandchildren. i know that they all want to help their father be well. if you can get past the ex and think of those children you adore that want more than anything to make their father healthy again let them bring the juices that their mother prepares, it will make them feel that they are helping.
I have no issues with the kids or the juices for that matter. It was the way the situation was handled and arrangements made and things that were said.
The week he was home - I asked him several times what he is capable of eating, drinking and each time he told me "nothing, don't worry about it, it hurts when I eat or drink" I tried several things - smoothies, purees, etc. Everything I made he took 2 spoons then tossed it.
The following week when he was coming home - again I asked him if there was anything in particular he would like me to make or get him. He then told me not to worry about it that his ex will take care of his food this week since the last time he was home it was a diaster.
THAT is what I had the issue with --- the fact that he tells me that the week he was home was a diaster and that HE already spoke with the EX about his meals for the week he is home BEFORE discussing it with ME his WIFE -- there is a reason the other one is an EX (or at least I would think there is wouldn't you?).
By him discussing with her the issue of juices, etc before discussing it with me totally undermines my position as his wife and is disrespectful. If she offered to make the juices, then he should have hung up the phone with her and called me and said "Hey I know this is overwhelming and I asked ex to have the kids bring some juices over to take some pressure off you" or if he asked her he should have first asked me if I was ok with it and she should have asked him if he had discussed this with me -- after all she is no longer his wife - she may be the mother of his children but that is all she is to him she is not a wife -- I am.
That is where the problem lies -- not with the juices themselves or the kids -- it is how I was told about this.0 -
Wow, I hear my story in your
Wow, I hear my story in your voice, Im also dealing with a crazy ex, who when they were together she could not even take him to the doctors, now she wants to know all about him I don't think so, Im the one who has been here 24/7 taking care of Jack, I think the ex's want to step in because of guilt, We tried to remain friends with her for a while but the drama was just causing so much stress on Jack, and that is the last thing a cancer pateint needs, As for her helping , I let his ex help and she just took advantage of it We dedided to keep her out of the picture, it was a desicion we made together, You might have to set boundaries,0
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