Can't Cope Anymore!

Wish I could help
Hi Lily,

I was so touched by your post that I had to reach out to you. I have no idea what I could say that might help. I just wanted you to know that I am so sorry for all you are going through. Joe's post to you was wise and very eloquent, and hopefully helps in some way. You are in my thoughts and prayers Lily.

Wishing you peace in your heart,
Donna

soccerfreaks said:

Stages of grief
I am not sure I have read a more honest, a more poignant, a more heart-rending post in here for a long time, if ever. Your grief and anger and anguish weep from the writing.

You have my sympathy, you do.

To be honest, upon completion of your post I felt completely helpless to respond. What does one say to another who has already anticipated every possible solution, who has a support system in place, who understands the need for time away from the situation, who is cognizant of the possible beneficial effects of medications and therapy, and who is still in this quagmire of frustration and futility?

I could think of nothing, Lily. But I did go and do a bit of research again about grief, and was struck by this, the depression stage, as described in one commonly accepted 'model' of grief:

"After denial, anger and bargaining, the inevitability of the news eventually (and not before time) sinks in and the person reluctantly accepts that it is going to happen. From the animation of anger and bargaining, they slump into a slough of despond. In this deep depression, they see only a horrible end with nothing beyond it. In turning in towards themselves, they turn away from any solution and any help that others can give them."

Sound familiar, Lily?

It doesn't make your situation any better to know this (in the event you did not already know it), but what I found most interesting, first, was that this stage is not immediate, but a much later stage, one that comes long after shock, denial and anger.

The hope, for you, comes from the supposition that the depression (not clinical, by the way, as a rule) WILL be replaced by testing and acceptance, as described here, in part:

"Even in the pit of depressive despair, reality eventually starts to bite and the person realizes that they cannot stay in that deep, dark hole forever. They thus start looking for realistic things that they can do. These may be taken on as 'experiments' to see if doing these things help the situation in any way. As this activity starts to work, at least in some ways, it is found to be preferred to the depression and so the person crawls out of that dark hole.

This escape is often done with the support of friends, family and professionals who specialize in helping people in whatever situation this is."

This, Lily, is a form of hope, hope that he will indeed climb out of the pit he is in, and hope that when he does, you will have been able to manage to cope and understand for long enough to be there when he seeks your love and care once again.

You have said, with some apparent determination, that you will not abandon him.

I think that is a wise and noble determination on your part.

Hang in there. There may be some light at the end of this tunnel after all, given time, and it will not be the proverbial train .

My best wishes to you and your family.

I with that I could help.

Take care,

Joe

such good insight ... thank
such good insight ... thank you . my husband is considererd short time and we have been able to allow the stages to come and go ... right now we are at the acceping he's got short time . trying to help him i'm includeing him in on my plans after he's gone and he finds it a relief

lily33 said:

Thank You
I just want to thank all of you for your kind and supportive words. Everyday I wage this internal battle over my life with my husband. It's difficult to talk about this because everyone in my life sees me as "so strong" even though I feel tremendous guilt over being so unhappy. It is a relief just to express my fears and thoughts in a place where others can relate with compassion and understanding.

Soccerfreaks-thank you for caring enough to look into the aspects of grief. Being in a dark hole is exactly how I feel. I have tried for so long to keep some sort of connection with my husband that I had given up hope. I still don't believe we will ever fully recover, but your words do give me hope that time maybe allow something to be salvaged.

Bobshope-I can relate to almost all of your words and emotions. I too mourn the loss of my previous relationship with my husband. It's very difficult to have the person you've loved for so long right before your eyes, but everything you fell in love with gone. I struggle with how to exist in our current relationship...I will always take care of him and love him...but many times I see us as one friend caring for another. My husband has always been my best friend, but I grieve that he hasn't been a husband to me for many years. At this point I don't know how to take care of him while keeping my heart and emotional well being in tact.

As for the impact on my kids...it has been tremendous in some ways and not in others. They tread water very lightly because they are never sure if they are going to get the "nice or the mean daddy"-their words not mine. My youngest 2 kids have never had a life without cancer, stress, and emotional uncertainty. To them, life is medication, hospitals, mom being gone for Dr. appointments, and daddy being sick. The fact they don't know a carefree childhood pains me everyday. I will never stop taking care of their father...but I also want to show them an example of a woman who deserves and demands respect and love. It is this battle that continues.

I knew I wasn't alone in any
I knew I wasn't alone in any of this but to actually hear someone feeling the same way I do is kind of a relief. I know it sounds horrible and i was beginning to feel like a monster feeling this way. I have only been doing it a year but I am beyond burnt out. My husband was diagnosed with stage iv lung cancer a year ago this month, he is 53 and I am 38. He has been through IV chemo treatments and it has metastasized through out the year. It was in the brain and lung from the beginning and has moved onto the right adrenal gland and the stomach. At this point he is on tarceva, which as the dr. put it, would be he last option. I take care of him, take care of our kids, our house and work fulltime through it all. I am the only one in the household that can drive and it seems like there isn't a day that I am not driving some where for someone. The kids do help around the house, my son will be 17 next month but he's a little harder to push for help, my daughter 15, tries her best to do what she can but I limit things I ask her to do for I know it stresses her too and they are to young to be stressed out. We barely talk like we used to, we have been together almost 19yrs and things just drastically changed with all this. I want to say i am frustrated, but that really isn't the word, but along the same lines. Not with my husband thats forsure just with the disease. We have had conversations regarding what is happening but nothing to deep for he has his days where he knows he is terminal and the others where he is back in denial. I know I am not in his shoes and can only imagine what is going through his mind. I try to take some days here and there off from work just so I can spend it with him, but when i do it seems like something else comes up whether it be fighting for his health insurance or something caused by this all and it stinks for I end up losing the day with all this stuff and then I am back to work and we really didn't spend anytime together. There are days I just want to scream at someone and then there are days I just cry and cry, only when the kids aren't home though..I know I should show my emotions around them but at this point my son wants no part of this he doesnt' talk about it and when you try to sit with him and ask him he just shrugs his shoulders and walks away. my daughter takes in what she can, I ask them upfront how much they want to know and I will not go beyond that amount. But they can see. He deteriorates daily. I do believe when we go back to the dr's in 2 weeks, they will find it has spread some more for he is in pain everyday in his shoulders, back, hips and legs. The only part that doesn't bother him is from elbow down and knees down. He does not work for being a heavy equipment mechanic he no longer could do his job, he has been on disability since his diagnosis last July. This last month or so has been the hardest, like you lily everyone is surprised for I have been so strong for the last year and have been pushing onward but there has to come a time when you finally say its enough. I have been pushing off my own issues, my nerves are just killing my body and I know I have to come first sometimes to be worth something to the others that need me. But I don't know where that time comes in. I get up go to work come home get dinner done, clean up from that clean up the house do some laundry and by then it's to bed and back at it again the next day. even the weekends seem to be filled anymore. I have looked into taking a leave from work but in reality we need my full income to even survive. I know many others have this issue and I am really at a loss. I just don't know how people do it for years and years I give everyone who does a lot of credit for like I said it's only been 1 yr and I am so burnt out and we still have a long road ahead of us. I know your guilt for feeling unhappy for I am there. I just wish we could turn back the clock to better days. I know they say your not given anything more then you can handle..well I am beyond my breaking point. I love my husband dearly and I am going to be there for him for as long as he needs me thats forsure. I know some days are going to be hard as time goes on and I just hope I find the strength to get through them. I hope you find the strength you need also and the faith that even though you two seem different these days and don't feel like things were they way they used to be, same here, but I do believe we are just scared and worried and that seems to change us. The best of luck to you both during this trying time.

StrLitNite said:

I knew I wasn't alone in any
I knew I wasn't alone in any of this but to actually hear someone feeling the same way I do is kind of a relief. I know it sounds horrible and i was beginning to feel like a monster feeling this way. I have only been doing it a year but I am beyond burnt out. My husband was diagnosed with stage iv lung cancer a year ago this month, he is 53 and I am 38. He has been through IV chemo treatments and it has metastasized through out the year. It was in the brain and lung from the beginning and has moved onto the right adrenal gland and the stomach. At this point he is on tarceva, which as the dr. put it, would be he last option. I take care of him, take care of our kids, our house and work fulltime through it all. I am the only one in the household that can drive and it seems like there isn't a day that I am not driving some where for someone. The kids do help around the house, my son will be 17 next month but he's a little harder to push for help, my daughter 15, tries her best to do what she can but I limit things I ask her to do for I know it stresses her too and they are to young to be stressed out. We barely talk like we used to, we have been together almost 19yrs and things just drastically changed with all this. I want to say i am frustrated, but that really isn't the word, but along the same lines. Not with my husband thats forsure just with the disease. We have had conversations regarding what is happening but nothing to deep for he has his days where he knows he is terminal and the others where he is back in denial. I know I am not in his shoes and can only imagine what is going through his mind. I try to take some days here and there off from work just so I can spend it with him, but when i do it seems like something else comes up whether it be fighting for his health insurance or something caused by this all and it stinks for I end up losing the day with all this stuff and then I am back to work and we really didn't spend anytime together. There are days I just want to scream at someone and then there are days I just cry and cry, only when the kids aren't home though..I know I should show my emotions around them but at this point my son wants no part of this he doesnt' talk about it and when you try to sit with him and ask him he just shrugs his shoulders and walks away. my daughter takes in what she can, I ask them upfront how much they want to know and I will not go beyond that amount. But they can see. He deteriorates daily. I do believe when we go back to the dr's in 2 weeks, they will find it has spread some more for he is in pain everyday in his shoulders, back, hips and legs. The only part that doesn't bother him is from elbow down and knees down. He does not work for being a heavy equipment mechanic he no longer could do his job, he has been on disability since his diagnosis last July. This last month or so has been the hardest, like you lily everyone is surprised for I have been so strong for the last year and have been pushing onward but there has to come a time when you finally say its enough. I have been pushing off my own issues, my nerves are just killing my body and I know I have to come first sometimes to be worth something to the others that need me. But I don't know where that time comes in. I get up go to work come home get dinner done, clean up from that clean up the house do some laundry and by then it's to bed and back at it again the next day. even the weekends seem to be filled anymore. I have looked into taking a leave from work but in reality we need my full income to even survive. I know many others have this issue and I am really at a loss. I just don't know how people do it for years and years I give everyone who does a lot of credit for like I said it's only been 1 yr and I am so burnt out and we still have a long road ahead of us. I know your guilt for feeling unhappy for I am there. I just wish we could turn back the clock to better days. I know they say your not given anything more then you can handle..well I am beyond my breaking point. I love my husband dearly and I am going to be there for him for as long as he needs me thats forsure. I know some days are going to be hard as time goes on and I just hope I find the strength to get through them. I hope you find the strength you need also and the faith that even though you two seem different these days and don't feel like things were they way they used to be, same here, but I do believe we are just scared and worried and that seems to change us. The best of luck to you both during this trying time.

New Here
It's been 6 months caregiving for my wife aged 47 w Stage IV colon cancer. The first series of chemo, which included a trial, almost killed her after 12 weeks. She's back after time off to recover from that with partial doses of 5FU, which is starting to take its toll. We have kids, home, job, stress, pain...it's just a lot. Was looking for resources on line when I found this forum and these posts. You are all amazing to go through this for so long. I'm at a loss.

I feel your pain. It is
I feel your pain. It is very hard caring for a loved one with cancer. I saw my grandmother dying from cancer, and it was very hard for me. I was put on an antidepressant just to cope with her loss.
Emotionally, it is not easy. Caregiving is very exhausting. I am so sorry that you are going through a tough time.

seanslove said:

lily33,

My heart goes out to you as I read your post and the responses of others. While I only have four months into this,which pales in comparsion to your five years,the ware and tear an one's life is much the same. I guess we are lucky not to have children,however,our two dogs are the same as children to us due to the fact we could not have children. The emotional disspare which you feel I can understand,as days go by I question more and more what life has left to offer us. I keep these feelings at bay,as I know they will serve no aid to my husband. At all times I wish this had never happened as our life was so perfect prior to the day he went to the hospital.
I guess,at this point and time,our marriage still lives strong,as we have found new ways of being,we hold hands more,and even when we talk less,the glances and eye contact have grown so strong which have taken place of being able to hold one another for hours as we once did.
For a short period,upon coming home from the hosptial in May,he too,lived in his own world,but found this to be a lonely place very quickly,which upon doing so,began to open up his true feelings. I fear not many in this world would want to know the true feelings which a person with cancer goes through,as excepting the words can be very hard and not fit in accordance with mosts moral beliefs.

Being a pysch major,I know all too well,to not listen would only cut off communication of his true emotions. The very first day I tried so hard to shut his thoughts down as I could not agree with them,and he started to pull back. I did not want him to pull back and stop talking so I took a new approach,which I promise you was the hardest words to ever say in my life. I told him,if this is really what you decide to do at some point and time,I will put my feelings aside and understand.
I guess what it all comes down to,is no matter how much support you have,the time seems to come,when the biggest suport must be found between yourself and your spouse. I understand this sounds easier said than done,however,I believe it is that connection which will bring your worlds back together.

you know, i experienced
you know, i experienced something early on in my husbands illness. he has had a grade 3 brain tumor as well as parkinsons' after having radiation, stereo tactic radiation and chemo as well as blood clots he resorted to lying on the sofa covered with a blanket for weeks. the only way that i knew he was alive was a slight twitch of his foot. he had long stopped bathing, shaving or brushing his teeth! i guess he thought his death was imminent! well, finally i had enough. went into our den and forcefully made him get up, brush his teeth and clean up. he has survived nealy 10 years now! he also would not let me buy him new clothes, so one day maybe 5 years later i announced that since he was going to continue living i was going to buy him some clothes! tough love is powerful!