How to deal with the pain and hurtfullness from your loved ones

kellbell
kellbell Member Posts: 16
edited March 2014 in Emotional Support #1
My husband has been diagnosed for the 2nd time with brain cancer. they removed his tumor and is a total different man. He is so angry towards me. Doesnt acknowledge that i am around him. Isw very hateful towards me.. Does anyone have any answers for me on how to deal with this.

Comments

  • beckyracn
    beckyracn Member Posts: 322
    #2
    Kell, Hang in there. He's
    Kell, Hang in there. He's angry with his disease, not you. I know that I took out my frustration, at times, on my husband. I guess we do this because they have signed on as our partner in life and will stick with us through thick and thin. We feel the need to vent and know they will suck it up and still be there. I wish I could say "this will get easier", but I could not say that in good faith. I still have my moments...and my husband is still right by my side. I do apologize to him alot for blowing up, but not for the words I've said.
  • slickwilly
    slickwilly Member Posts: 334 Member
    #3
    beckyracn said:

    Kell, Hang in there. He's
    Kell, Hang in there. He's angry with his disease, not you. I know that I took out my frustration, at times, on my husband. I guess we do this because they have signed on as our partner in life and will stick with us through thick and thin. We feel the need to vent and know they will suck it up and still be there. I wish I could say "this will get easier", but I could not say that in good faith. I still have my moments...and my husband is still right by my side. I do apologize to him alot for blowing up, but not for the words I've said.

    kell
    There are on simple answers for this problem. Many of us have been through cancer and we had our ups and downs. Everyone deals with the stress and pain in different ways. Sometimes we try to push the ones we love away as we think we are protecting them from what might come next. Sometimes we are taking our emotional or physical pain out on others. Or we push our family away so we don't drag them down the financial pit that sometimes comes with cancer. Medications can cause mental changes and when your dealing with brain tumors there are a bunch of unknown issues. A friend with a brain tumor was so violent that he was tied to his bed until chemo reduced the size of his tumor. His wife had moved out after being slammed against a wall. She came back and stuck it out with him for two years until he passed on. Try to be patient and seek any help you can through his Oncologist. I would suspect counseling is available. But you have to deal with this now as it might not get better on its own. We can remove tumors and put cancer into remission but it does not cure all of our problems. Sometimes I wonder if it even clears up half of them. Best of luck Slickwilly
  • lily33
    lily33 Member Posts: 27
    #4
    It's hurtful
    kellbell,

    I wish I had some great advice that would make what you are going through easier. My husband has completely changed since he's had cancer. He can be very mean at times and it is very hurtful. The worst is that most of the time he doesn't even remember the hateful things he has said to me. As hard as it is, try to remember that cancer has changed him and chemo drugs can cause major personality shifts. Unfortunately you are the one taking care of him so most of the anger is going to be aimed towards you. Take things one day at a time and reassure yourself that you are doing the best you can. Try to get time by yourself if possible-I know it helps re-energize me. Also find a place where you can vent your anger through friends and/or therapy. Best of luck to you and please know you are not alone.

    lily33
  • terato
    terato Member Posts: 375
    #5
    Looking candidly in the rear-view mirror,...
    kell,

    I was a manipulative jerk, when I was in treatment, and I'm sure my ex would enthusiastically concur. As has been expressed very articulately by others, "we' always hurt the ones we love", simply because cancer is impervious to our rage and we honestly believe in the unconditional love of our families. "We" truly believe "we" can get away with it, that cancer allows us a wide latitude for behavior. Those of us who have been down the road from treatment awhile begin to see our behavior, in treatment, as regrettable, living better lives as consequence.

    The opposite of love is not hate, but fear because it drives out positive emotions, replacing them with the negative ones of anxiety, frustration, anger, and depression. Your husband loves you, but "love" is something he does not presently have the energy to express. Rest assured, as his fear subsides, his love will return.

    Love and Courage!

    Rick
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #6
    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #7
    beckyracn said:

    Kell, Hang in there. He's
    Kell, Hang in there. He's angry with his disease, not you. I know that I took out my frustration, at times, on my husband. I guess we do this because they have signed on as our partner in life and will stick with us through thick and thin. We feel the need to vent and know they will suck it up and still be there. I wish I could say "this will get easier", but I could not say that in good faith. I still have my moments...and my husband is still right by my side. I do apologize to him alot for blowing up, but not for the words I've said.

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #8
    lily33 said:

    It's hurtful
    kellbell,

    I wish I had some great advice that would make what you are going through easier. My husband has completely changed since he's had cancer. He can be very mean at times and it is very hurtful. The worst is that most of the time he doesn't even remember the hateful things he has said to me. As hard as it is, try to remember that cancer has changed him and chemo drugs can cause major personality shifts. Unfortunately you are the one taking care of him so most of the anger is going to be aimed towards you. Take things one day at a time and reassure yourself that you are doing the best you can. Try to get time by yourself if possible-I know it helps re-energize me. Also find a place where you can vent your anger through friends and/or therapy. Best of luck to you and please know you are not alone.

    lily33

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #9
    terato said:

    Looking candidly in the rear-view mirror,...
    kell,

    I was a manipulative jerk, when I was in treatment, and I'm sure my ex would enthusiastically concur. As has been expressed very articulately by others, "we' always hurt the ones we love", simply because cancer is impervious to our rage and we honestly believe in the unconditional love of our families. "We" truly believe "we" can get away with it, that cancer allows us a wide latitude for behavior. Those of us who have been down the road from treatment awhile begin to see our behavior, in treatment, as regrettable, living better lives as consequence.

    The opposite of love is not hate, but fear because it drives out positive emotions, replacing them with the negative ones of anxiety, frustration, anger, and depression. Your husband loves you, but "love" is something he does not presently have the energy to express. Rest assured, as his fear subsides, his love will return.

    Love and Courage!

    Rick

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #10
    terato said:

    Looking candidly in the rear-view mirror,...
    kell,

    I was a manipulative jerk, when I was in treatment, and I'm sure my ex would enthusiastically concur. As has been expressed very articulately by others, "we' always hurt the ones we love", simply because cancer is impervious to our rage and we honestly believe in the unconditional love of our families. "We" truly believe "we" can get away with it, that cancer allows us a wide latitude for behavior. Those of us who have been down the road from treatment awhile begin to see our behavior, in treatment, as regrettable, living better lives as consequence.

    The opposite of love is not hate, but fear because it drives out positive emotions, replacing them with the negative ones of anxiety, frustration, anger, and depression. Your husband loves you, but "love" is something he does not presently have the energy to express. Rest assured, as his fear subsides, his love will return.

    Love and Courage!

    Rick

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #11
    slickwilly said:

    kell
    There are on simple answers for this problem. Many of us have been through cancer and we had our ups and downs. Everyone deals with the stress and pain in different ways. Sometimes we try to push the ones we love away as we think we are protecting them from what might come next. Sometimes we are taking our emotional or physical pain out on others. Or we push our family away so we don't drag them down the financial pit that sometimes comes with cancer. Medications can cause mental changes and when your dealing with brain tumors there are a bunch of unknown issues. A friend with a brain tumor was so violent that he was tied to his bed until chemo reduced the size of his tumor. His wife had moved out after being slammed against a wall. She came back and stuck it out with him for two years until he passed on. Try to be patient and seek any help you can through his Oncologist. I would suspect counseling is available. But you have to deal with this now as it might not get better on its own. We can remove tumors and put cancer into remission but it does not cure all of our problems. Sometimes I wonder if it even clears up half of them. Best of luck Slickwilly

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • tiny one
    tiny one Member Posts: 465 Member
    #12
    hard to deal with
    I'm so sorry for what you and you're husband are going thru. Is his change from the surgery? Does his doctor know how he's acting? Please find a support system and a support group. Would counseling help you? I am a colon cancer survivor and have dealt with alot of emotions during my journey. I still deal with anger. My husband has been so supportive of me, there were alot of times that I was very hard to deal with. Mental and physical pain really made it hard. A few times the pain was so bad I just wanted it to stop. I had to get help. I went thru an outpatient program that helped. Sometimes medication is needed. I also starting going to a cancer support group, it's helpful for the cancer patient and for the spouse or caregiver.
  • choihe
    choihe Member Posts: 9
    #13
    same issue here
    Kell,

    I, too, am dealing with the same issues as you have. My husband was diagnosed with the 2nd time around on his 1 year anniversary of the last CT scan. He had gone through 12 series of Chemo and begins to look normal himself before the Chemo treatment. But, the physical recovery is one thing, but emotional aspects of our relationship I find challenge. I do work full time and am doing my best to keep him healthy, with fresh fruits and veggie juicing, and totally being out of my social life due to so much I can spread myself thin to do everything…

    He gets very touchy, angry at me with things I say and things I cannot comfort him enough and I’m having difficult time dealing with it. I stuck with him last three years for better or for worse, as we vowed in our marriage ceremony. I have no life but taking care of him and working, but that’s not good enough for him.
    Every time I get fed up with him I come to this discussion board. Reading through some pains that folks who are currently going through. That helps me to understand what he is going through.

    The hardest part is that we cannot communicate without getting angry at each other. He won't go to see therapist. He is one of those who would never go see therapist.

    I sure hope I survive this big hurdle in our life.
    Amy

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