Ankle Fracture

Mad at God
David,

I was praying this morning before coming down to be with my wife (stage 3 kidney cancer, 9th month of chemo, struggling). One of the things that I prayed for was to stop being mad at him, and to just trust him. I also asked him to step in and take over some specific issues that I can't seem to get my arms around. I haven't been praying very much lately, and we haven't been to church in some time - just too angry, I guess.

I'm sorry to hear about your ankle, especially the part about how running is a great stress relief for you that you may have lost for a while. I've been walking 4-5 miles every day (definetely not running) and it does seem to help. I've lost over 30 pounds since my wife's diagnosis, which I actually feel pretty guilty about. My wife has gained a lot of weight during chemo (is that weird?) and sometimes I feel like I can't be happy about losing weight, even though it is one of the few bright spots many days.

Anyway - I hear you and I relate to a lot of what you wrote about. I don't know if that helps or not, but this "journey" (who the heck coined that phrase) can seem lonely.

Hang in there - God loves you and you are good enough for him. Of course, keep in mind this advice is coming from someone who does not seem to practice what he preaches.

slickwilly said:

When the next bomb drops.
Sorry about the ankle david and I hope surgery is not needed. I guess I would not blame God, but I sure understand where your coming from. It does not seem fair when the tool you use to cope with your wife's illness is taken away. Having a couple people in pain in the same home is also not easy. I was just finishing my radiation when my wife broke her arm and needed a fixator with pins and screws. I got the bed and she got the recliner. And the T.V. remote control was a whole other issue. Alone with working around the computer use, who was going to cook ect. Kinda like entering the twilight zone. So I feel for you and you deserve a short pity party. I hope your pain lets up. Slickwilly

It could be worse, David! - glad it is not!
Slickwilly left out several details about our misadventure with radiation.

He was several weeks from completing his radiation when he called me at home (he was receiving treatment about 180 miles from home while I kept working, taking care of the home, kids, etc.) only to hear me distressed. I did not want to make his time in Marquette any more difficult but he is persistent when there is something up that he wants to know about. Anyway, I finally tell him that I suffered a severely broken arm at work that would require surgery the next morning to correct. I begged him to stay where he was and take care of himself, he had enough to deal with and I could handle this situation. After I was admitted the next morning and waiting for surgery (massive pain killers as well that did little to help), he showed up at the hospital looking the worse for wear but definately a sight for my tired, sore eyes. I had the surgery which left me with 8 pins and a fixator bar making it impossible to use my left arm at all for at least the next 8 weeks. At home that night, we decided that since I could not work (Thank God for Work. Comp!) that I would accompany him to his treatments in Marquette and we left the next morning loaded with medical supplies and pain drugs...lol.

It was an education for me to see what his routine entailed, the people he was surrounded by, and the sheer lonliness and boredom that he had spoken of. We tried to make the best of it though. I (with help) prepared a homecooked meal for the old Finns he hung around with in the community kitchen - bachelors in their 60's that spoke what sounded like a foreign language. We watched a lot of TV, explored the local Wal-Mart for cheap Xmas gifts (it was December), and I found out what happened when the pins in my arm got too cold because I HAD to have a cigarette and had to smoke outside in the 20 degree temps (not an experience to relish!).

Finally, the day we had awaited for so long arrived - Christmas Eve and Slickwilly had his final radiation treatment. We couldn't wait to get home to the kids and celebrate the Christmas we didn't think we would see as a family! Life had other ideas! We didn't even make it 5 miles before the front brakes grabbed the front tires in a death grip! A tow truck took us back to the "home" and we tried desparately to figure a way OUT OF HERE! A call to his cousin and 4 hours later we finally headed home with major mixed emotions and just plain sick to death of this cancer thing!

We did enjoy Christmas in our own home with our beautiful (in looks, personality, and spirit)daughters. Life went on and we have persevered through other times and trials. But, I always look back at this time period and I am grateful for it (now). Having shared the difficulties and pain gave us each insight into what each other was enduring. It gave each of us the opportunity to help each other, rely on each other and to work together to accomplish something even so small as to open a jar of applesauce (another story). It also gave us time together to talk and share where it wouldn't have happened had I not had the accident at work.

My point is....even though you may be disgusted with this turn of events, you can use this "opportunity" to gain further understanding of each other's feelings and perspective. In the future, you may look on this situation as I did - a hidden blessing.

Good luck to you and have faith that there is a reason for this incident and that you will have the faith and fortitude to use it to strengthen your relationship.