Here's a awkward topic

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PhillieG
PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Has anyone had the experience, especially the ones who have been fighting cancer for a long period of time compared to those who have been dealing with this for less than a year, where the cancer has affected one's sex life? Either the frequency of it, or the desire to have it, or the ability to "perform"? More so lately this has become an issue with my wife. She seems to think that having cancer should not affect one's libido at all. This has not been my experience and since my last operation it has gotten worse, not better. I've been dealing with cancer for over 5 years.
Any input, without details if you prefer, would be appreciated.
thanks
-phil

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  • Shayenne
    Shayenne Member Posts: 2,342
    #2
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    Gosh....
    ...I find myself not wanting sex at all, I hate to say that, I love affection, but once it comes to sex, and now having a huge incision from my chest almost to my private area, and a colostomy bag, doesn't make me feel sexy one bit. My hubby is a patient man, and knows I just can't do it, I feel really bad about it too.
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
    #3
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    Shayenne said:

    Gosh....
    ...I find myself not wanting sex at all, I hate to say that, I love affection, but once it comes to sex, and now having a huge incision from my chest almost to my private area, and a colostomy bag, doesn't make me feel sexy one bit. My hubby is a patient man, and knows I just can't do it, I feel really bad about it too.

    Thanks Donna
    Thank you for sharing, I know it's not an easy subject to talk about. I don't have to deal with bags and all but I've been visited by ED, not NED to mention 1 side effect. Don't feel bad about it, it's not your choice to have cancer. I know what you mean though because I feel bad too yet I'm also feeling like it's my fault. It not like we don't have enough bad stuff going on already that we need this too...
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #4
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    Pick me! Pick me!
    I have finished my battle, 4 years ago today, but still have issues.

    Since our pelvis is radiated during the process, it IS an issue, both dryness/soreness/atrophy for women, and 'performance' issues for men.

    I still have some trouble, 4 years later, but have solved most of it for me with allowing my beau to stimulate me first, get the juices flowing...

    For you, well, I have a young (42) year old patient partner who has turned to Viagra for at least temporary help. He is healthy in all other respects, and hopes that this, too, shall pass...

    Hugs, Kathi
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
    #5
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    KathiM said:

    Pick me! Pick me!
    I have finished my battle, 4 years ago today, but still have issues.

    Since our pelvis is radiated during the process, it IS an issue, both dryness/soreness/atrophy for women, and 'performance' issues for men.

    I still have some trouble, 4 years later, but have solved most of it for me with allowing my beau to stimulate me first, get the juices flowing...

    For you, well, I have a young (42) year old patient partner who has turned to Viagra for at least temporary help. He is healthy in all other respects, and hopes that this, too, shall pass...

    Hugs, Kathi

    Thanks Kathi
    Come on guys, let's get it up...I mean get it going here.

    I've thought of the little blue pill, with my luck I'd get a 4 hour boner (do people still say boner?)
  • Shayenne
    Shayenne Member Posts: 2,342
    #6
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    PhillieG said:

    Thanks Kathi
    Come on guys, let's get it up...I mean get it going here.

    I've thought of the little blue pill, with my luck I'd get a 4 hour boner (do people still say boner?)

    Maybe....
    ....I need some viagra...do they make this for women yet???? lol....
  • lmliess
    lmliess Member Posts: 329
    #7
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    KathiM said:

    Pick me! Pick me!
    I have finished my battle, 4 years ago today, but still have issues.

    Since our pelvis is radiated during the process, it IS an issue, both dryness/soreness/atrophy for women, and 'performance' issues for men.

    I still have some trouble, 4 years later, but have solved most of it for me with allowing my beau to stimulate me first, get the juices flowing...

    For you, well, I have a young (42) year old patient partner who has turned to Viagra for at least temporary help. He is healthy in all other respects, and hopes that this, too, shall pass...

    Hugs, Kathi

    Oh good gosh
    that is the last thing on my mind! And I feel bad about it for my husband. He is so patient and understanding though. I have had two big surgeries in the past 2 months, a colostomy bag which I am still trying to figure out, 2 'battle scars' and I weigh 88 pounds when I normally weigh 110. I don't feel too attractive at the moment. I hope all this changes soon because I want some normal back. I have to go through 1 more round of chemo so I am sure it will be awhile. I feel like I need to get creative and think of other things for awhile...I don't want my husband to feel I just don't care.
  • steven12
    steven12 Member Posts: 51
    #8
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    Could be just a psychological effect
    I am fighting this beast for 5 yrs now but I didn't really noticed considerable change in my sex life. There is a natural ( I would say ) reduction in frequency of the intimacy with my wife but that's I am blaming to my age, well over the sixties. Phil, I think it can be more psychological then real side effect of the medications. Think about this and may be it will be easier to get over it.
    All the best to everybody,
    Steven
  • Sandi1
    Sandi1 Member Posts: 277
    #9
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    My husband too
    Phil,

    I know exactly how your wife feels. I too am dealing with the same thing with my husband, although his desire seems to be there, just not the "result". The surgeon had said to us long before his surgery one complication to the surgery is that he may hit the nerves that control desire and erections, then he promptly said, but that has never happened in one of my surgery's. WEll guess what, it did - and I really don't think that my husband is the first, i think all the other patients are just too embarassed to say anything. We are in the process of trying to figure out what to do. My husband is on maintenance chemo and said to me that the last thing he wants to do is go to a doctor and have him "handling" him, he's had enough. What can I say, he has had enough, good god the man has cancer, so I will just deal with this the best way I can and continue to show him affection so he doesn't feel like I don't love him and would leave him because of this - because in the broad spectrum of things - I would rather have him around, alive and no sex, then him not be around.
    I hope this helps.
    Sandi
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
    #10
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    steven12 said:

    Could be just a psychological effect
    I am fighting this beast for 5 yrs now but I didn't really noticed considerable change in my sex life. There is a natural ( I would say ) reduction in frequency of the intimacy with my wife but that's I am blaming to my age, well over the sixties. Phil, I think it can be more psychological then real side effect of the medications. Think about this and may be it will be easier to get over it.
    All the best to everybody,
    Steven

    Thanks
    Hi Steven,
    I've thought of that a bit too, but I've been in constant treatment for over 5 years. 5 major operations, over 180 chemo treatments plus I'm on an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety too. None of that helps either.
    It's not like nothing ever works but it's put a dent in things (for me) and I'm wondering if I'm alone or if this is not uncommon.
    -p
  • Annabelle41415
    Annabelle41415 Member Posts: 6,742 Member
    #11
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    Geez
    Where do I begin. I also just recently had surgery and before the operation the radiation had torn everything so I was in sad shape before hand. Then the big incision, an ileostomy, and a still throbbing rectum does not put me in the mood for anything intimate. I also feel sorry for my husband and he is very understanding, but my drive just isn't there. I guess I have so much baggage (no pun intended) that I am carrying right now, I have been pretty selfish. Haven't tried since before surgery so I'm not sure how the radiation has affected that area.

    I am so blessed to have such a wonderful, caring and patient husband. I just guess with John Edwards being in the news so much and what happened I just feel like my husband has been given the short end of the stick with that situation and then having to deal with what I'm going through. (Didn't mean to get politics involved I just was comparing the situation with Edward's wife, and I hope she heals completely).

    I do hope things get better for all of us. Kim
  • 2bhealed
    2bhealed Member Posts: 2,064 Member
    #12
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    PhillieG said:

    Thanks
    Hi Steven,
    I've thought of that a bit too, but I've been in constant treatment for over 5 years. 5 major operations, over 180 chemo treatments plus I'm on an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety too. None of that helps either.
    It's not like nothing ever works but it's put a dent in things (for me) and I'm wondering if I'm alone or if this is not uncommon.
    -p

    psychotropics
    Don't they diminish sexual feelings and function?

    peace, emily
  • dorookie
    dorookie Member Posts: 1,731 Member
    #13
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    I live in the NUN house
    Aint had NUN, aint getting NUN, and aint going to get NUN!


    LMAO, just had to add my 2 cents, been dealing with cancer for 2 years now, and honestly the desire to have sex went out the window with the first couple of treatment. The desire did however return, but having the desire and having everything work right is another story. So we live one day at a time....Love, hugs and kisses, will get me through for now, dont plan on living in the NUN house forever.

    God Bless
  • daydreamer110761
    daydreamer110761 Member Posts: 487 Member
    #14
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    dorookie said:

    I live in the NUN house
    Aint had NUN, aint getting NUN, and aint going to get NUN!


    LMAO, just had to add my 2 cents, been dealing with cancer for 2 years now, and honestly the desire to have sex went out the window with the first couple of treatment. The desire did however return, but having the desire and having everything work right is another story. So we live one day at a time....Love, hugs and kisses, will get me through for now, dont plan on living in the NUN house forever.

    God Bless

    honestly
    since all this started, we are lucky if it happens 2-3 times a month. healing surgery, speaks for itself. The chemo, I am so tired after working, not to mention the lovely side effects it causes, that it's the last thing I am thinking about. I do start to feel bad, and find other ways to help out if ya get my drift. It hurts me just as much tho, because, well, we've only been together 3½ years, and aren't even newly weds yet, and were just getting used to life without kids in the house, and damn it was fun! I do, however, have a glass of wine or three and get down to business every now and then (now that my daughter moved back in its when she goes out for a night every other weekend).
  • hollyberry
    hollyberry Member Posts: 173
    #15
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    daydreamer110761 said:

    honestly
    since all this started, we are lucky if it happens 2-3 times a month. healing surgery, speaks for itself. The chemo, I am so tired after working, not to mention the lovely side effects it causes, that it's the last thing I am thinking about. I do start to feel bad, and find other ways to help out if ya get my drift. It hurts me just as much tho, because, well, we've only been together 3½ years, and aren't even newly weds yet, and were just getting used to life without kids in the house, and damn it was fun! I do, however, have a glass of wine or three and get down to business every now and then (now that my daughter moved back in its when she goes out for a night every other weekend).

    tired, stressed and sore
    Phil,
    I know exactly what you mean; I am tired and achy from chemo. I don't feel exactly "sexy" with a colostomy and yet from time-to-time, I am in the mood. If my husband isn't too tired, we can get it together. He is patient and loving, so I guess I'm lucky. I think being middle-aged doesn't help. It's been almost 2 years and I should feel well enough, but sometimes it just seems too much trouble or I can't keep my eyes open long enough.
    I hope we all fair better in the future, but for now, I guess our collective spouses and signifcant others will have to be patient about this, too. Cancer has put even that into perspective for us; we're lucky to be here at all, let alone perform like we did in our youth. I hope you can find a middle ground that doesn't make you feel guilty. It's enough just to get through some days with a sense of humor; if the libido isn't up to par, maybe just a nice night of snuggling on the couch will make your wife feel that sense of love and attention that she misses.I wish I had a better answer; it does stink that we get through the really tough stuff and find some areas of our lives diminished in some other ways.As for me, middle-age is a tade-off, anyway. You get some wisdom and your life settles down and then you pay in other ways.
    Best of luck in your quest,
    Hollyberry
  • Julie 44
    Julie 44 Member Posts: 476 Member
    #16
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    hollyberry said:

    tired, stressed and sore
    Phil,
    I know exactly what you mean; I am tired and achy from chemo. I don't feel exactly "sexy" with a colostomy and yet from time-to-time, I am in the mood. If my husband isn't too tired, we can get it together. He is patient and loving, so I guess I'm lucky. I think being middle-aged doesn't help. It's been almost 2 years and I should feel well enough, but sometimes it just seems too much trouble or I can't keep my eyes open long enough.
    I hope we all fair better in the future, but for now, I guess our collective spouses and signifcant others will have to be patient about this, too. Cancer has put even that into perspective for us; we're lucky to be here at all, let alone perform like we did in our youth. I hope you can find a middle ground that doesn't make you feel guilty. It's enough just to get through some days with a sense of humor; if the libido isn't up to par, maybe just a nice night of snuggling on the couch will make your wife feel that sense of love and attention that she misses.I wish I had a better answer; it does stink that we get through the really tough stuff and find some areas of our lives diminished in some other ways.As for me, middle-age is a tade-off, anyway. You get some wisdom and your life settles down and then you pay in other ways.
    Best of luck in your quest,
    Hollyberry

    I am there too
    Phil,
    I see from all the postings about sex it is way to common...I guess its just ANOTHER part of the creature we all have to deal with..What helps me alot is (even though we don't have sex much at all anymore) is that we go out to dinner or a movie or just for a ride in the car to alone together...It doesn't take the place of sex but it does make us feel closer together...Just sitting on the couch and kissing and hugging seems to help the situation...Good luck and stay strong TOGETHER.
    Julie
  • chynabear
    chynabear Member Posts: 481 Member
    #17
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    Julie 44 said:

    I am there too
    Phil,
    I see from all the postings about sex it is way to common...I guess its just ANOTHER part of the creature we all have to deal with..What helps me alot is (even though we don't have sex much at all anymore) is that we go out to dinner or a movie or just for a ride in the car to alone together...It doesn't take the place of sex but it does make us feel closer together...Just sitting on the couch and kissing and hugging seems to help the situation...Good luck and stay strong TOGETHER.
    Julie

    Not sure
    I've been trying to figure out a way to respond to this as I think there may be many layers to the issue.

    Do you think the issue tends to be physical or emotional/mental? Is it because you simply can't, or is it because you don't feel up to it emotionally?

    Also, as we tend to get older, I think there is a decline in sexual activity anyway. How many old married couples do you know that confess to only making love on special occasions? The obligatory birthday or holiday sex?

    For my husband and I, I noticed that our relationship has always gotten too intense and we start fighting if we don't have sex. I know that there have been so many times that I just feel too tired to do anything, but I always tell myself during those times just to try. It may take a little bit of warming the engines, but I have always gotten into the mood when I didn't think I would be able to, and have been happier for trying. We've been together for 14 years now, and I believe that on average, we are still intimate nearly as much as when we were younger.

    According to the post, it seems that you are concerned and want to try to "fix" the issue (for lack of a better term). If it is a physical issue, maybe there is option to use some of the "happy pills" to help or something medically? If it is an emotional/mental issue, you may need to think deeper as to why you aren't excited. Maybe it's time to try something new? Take a weekend vacation. Do something to make yourself feel good about you. Remember that our significant others love us, scars and all.

    Cancer robs us of so much. I just couldn't let it rob me of this too.
  • kmygil
    kmygil Member Posts: 876 Member
    #18
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    Ha ha
    I told my gynecologist that I had totally lost my libido. She asked, "Well, do you want to find it?" Curiously, my answer was "no." My husband does not agree with this philosophy....

    Kirsten
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
    #19
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    Thanks Everyone
    Thank you everyone who responded. It's a delicate subject but one that affects many of us. For me, it was until last summer's operation that it really got me so I had been basically OK for 4 years. I am also on 3 psychotropic drug which make things worse but I do not feel that I can cope with the cancer part w/o them. Not good. Between a rock and a "hard place" (and the place that should be hard isn't). The desire isn't there as it used to be, along with being exhausted a lot of the time, feed up with cancer most of the time too. It's become more of an issue lately and there seems to be a "cancer is no reason" attitude that I have to deal with so I wanted to see what others have experienced. Someone commented that there is more to intimacy than sex and I agree, that seems to have gone by the wayside too and I am guilty of much of this with the exception of not understanding that cancer is more than just a disease in my lungs (now) at this point. We also have to deal with young kids at home and little to no privacy and different working schedules. It's like being kicked when your down...
    Thanks again,
    --phil
  • kmygil
    kmygil Member Posts: 876 Member
    #20
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    PhillieG said:

    Thanks Everyone
    Thank you everyone who responded. It's a delicate subject but one that affects many of us. For me, it was until last summer's operation that it really got me so I had been basically OK for 4 years. I am also on 3 psychotropic drug which make things worse but I do not feel that I can cope with the cancer part w/o them. Not good. Between a rock and a "hard place" (and the place that should be hard isn't). The desire isn't there as it used to be, along with being exhausted a lot of the time, feed up with cancer most of the time too. It's become more of an issue lately and there seems to be a "cancer is no reason" attitude that I have to deal with so I wanted to see what others have experienced. Someone commented that there is more to intimacy than sex and I agree, that seems to have gone by the wayside too and I am guilty of much of this with the exception of not understanding that cancer is more than just a disease in my lungs (now) at this point. We also have to deal with young kids at home and little to no privacy and different working schedules. It's like being kicked when your down...
    Thanks again,
    --phil

    In sickness and health
    That may be a pertinent reminder to your wife. Not to be hard, but I understand that she may feel that her life, too, has been taken over by your disease, and with children she may be overwhelmed and needing reassurance that she is still a desireable, attractive woman. There are other ways you can express that--simply cuddling and complimenting can go a long, long way....
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
    #21
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    kmygil said:

    In sickness and health
    That may be a pertinent reminder to your wife. Not to be hard, but I understand that she may feel that her life, too, has been taken over by your disease, and with children she may be overwhelmed and needing reassurance that she is still a desireable, attractive woman. There are other ways you can express that--simply cuddling and complimenting can go a long, long way....

    Richer and Poorer
    We have the Poorer part down...
    I know, sometimes I don't let her know that. Thanks Kristen
    -p

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