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Thanks for the kind words for my dad

Posts: 5
Joined: May 2007

I left my first message on here yesterday and to my amazment when I got home from work and visiting my dad I had 5 replies. To finish out conversation... My dad has had Hospice come out now for about 4 months, these people are great. He has been to several drs. but all say that his cancer has spread and is clustered around everything and there is nothing they can do. Dad will not take Chemo and doc says it would not do much good at this point.

During the day he is best somedays he can even go outside if you can get him up out of the chair.
At night he is the worst he wakes up lost and scared not knowing where he is or where we are. He even cries sometimes and that is the worst for me. My mother stays with him all the time but I think is going crazy in her own right from answering the constant calls from him.

This cancer is really putting a strain on the whole family my wife and I, (the kids are worried and confused) and my mom.

This cancer is really something, It is great to hear from people who have really been there I have a great respect for all of you. Any advise you can give I will gladly take.

jsabol's picture
Posts: 1156
Joined: Dec 2003

Hi Dan,
My heart goes out to you and your mom. My dad was in very similar circumstances as he declined, and my sister and I both live out of state. We decided, with my dad's encouragement, to move him into a residential hospice setting (in a skilled nursing home facility), where he spent the last 3 weeks of his life, getting really excellent care and attention around the clock. My mother stayed next door in an assisted living facility during that time, and could visit him whenever and for however long she wanted. It was a godsend, particularly since she was having a harder and harder time just meeting dad's physical needs. Please be sure the hospice staff know about your dad's nighttime distress. Some of my dad's meds were compounded into a lotion that was applied to his wrists, giving him small and sustained doses of anti-anxiety and anti nausea meds. Can hospice help to arrange for an evening or night aide to give your mom some help? (I'm also a nurse in long term care; watching spouses care for each other at this stage is heratwrenching.) Best of luck with this, but I would let the social worker know that his needs are increasing and your mom needs more help. Judy

KathiM's picture
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005


What a godsend! I am tucking your suggestions away for others as well.

Dan, as a caregiver, both you and your mom need to take care of yourselves. The idea of an inpatient hospice is a sound one...as he gets more confused, he may endanger himself.

If you all get too much, find someone to talk to. My cancer center has a patient care coordinator who is also a licensed grief counsellor. Grief can happen long before a person's passing...even we 'healthy' survivors fight with this particular aspect of the beast!!!

Hugs, Kathi

Posts: 2
Joined: May 2007

Hi Dan,

I'm new to this site and here as a relative of one recently diagnosed with cancer so there's not a lot I can offer in terms of information. But I do want to send my very best to you and your father and family. I can only imagine how heartwrenching it is to see your father suffer. God bless you, and your father, and all your family.

Posts: 4
Joined: Apr 2007

Hi Donohue, remember you need some space as well as your mother. See if you can get someone to watch your dad while you/mother go out. It is needful to your own sanity that you get out some with others. Try to sign up for a support group in your area. I will be praying for you. I know that this is a difficult time.

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