Not a Good Day

Options
Btrcup
Btrcup Member Posts: 286
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Hi all, after reading Erika & Gabor's posts, I am even more down today. Things have not been so great for me lately. I thought I was doing so well, but this past week has just proven that I'm not.

I went to my PCP Wed. and he diagnosed me with depression. He is starting me on Lexapro. I will start taking it this weekend because it may cause drowsiness and he doesn't want me driving until we see how it affects me. He also recommended that I seek therapy. I'm looking into it, but my new insurance sucks and they have to have me evaluated by a psyciatrist. All I need is some grief counseling but they're making me sound like I'm suicidal or something...which I'm not.

Then he sent me for a chest x-ray this morning. I have had an on and off dry cough for quite a while. When I quit smoking for six weeks, it went away. Well, I was weak and I started smoking again. And the cough came back. Of course every bad thing is running through my head right now.

What if something is wrong with me? What will happen to my children? I know I'm probably over-reacting, but after watching Scott deteriorate with cancer, can anyone blame me?

I hope you don't mind me posting this here. I know you can all relate one way or another. And I take comfort from you all.

Hopefully, I won't be feeling this way come April. I'm sure once the meds kick in and I start talking to someone, I'll be fine.

Thanks for letting me vent. As usual, you all rock!

Linda

Comments

  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #2
    Options
    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • alihamilton
    alihamilton Member Posts: 347 Member
    #3
    Options
    Hi Linda, I am so sorry to hear you are feeling depressed. It is hardly surprising though as you had to be so strong during Scott's illness, looking after him, the children and yourself. When he died, you continued being strong for the sake of the children. Now it is time to nurture yourself. I can imagine how hard it would be to give up smoking but, if the cough went away when you did for a time, it is really worth trying too again. Mind you, it is easy for me to say that as I do not smoke!

    I hope the therapy is helpful but, when all is said and done, you still need time to heal from your loss.....and such a great loss.

    Come back here as often as you feel the need to vent or, hopefully, to tell us you feel a little better.

    Love,
    Ali
  • debralla
    debralla Member Posts: 203 Member
    #4
    Options
    alihamilton said:

    Hi Linda, I am so sorry to hear you are feeling depressed. It is hardly surprising though as you had to be so strong during Scott's illness, looking after him, the children and yourself. When he died, you continued being strong for the sake of the children. Now it is time to nurture yourself. I can imagine how hard it would be to give up smoking but, if the cough went away when you did for a time, it is really worth trying too again. Mind you, it is easy for me to say that as I do not smoke!

    I hope the therapy is helpful but, when all is said and done, you still need time to heal from your loss.....and such a great loss.

    Come back here as often as you feel the need to vent or, hopefully, to tell us you feel a little better.

    Love,
    Ali

    Linda.
    I am So glad to hear that you are seeing someone for your depression . I am on a antidepressent and it has helped me out a lot . It takes awhile for it to begin working so dont give up after a few weeks it can take up to 8 weeks before you will feel better .
    Quitting smoking is a hard thing to do and you quit for 6 weeks a lot of people get a cough when they quit some get it real bad . in a way its a good thing it means that the tiny hairs that line your air way have grown back and are moving all that mucus .So you had a set back and you are smoking again .Its hard believe me I know as I am a smoker and have tried several times to quit .maybe once your antidepressent kicks in you can try again . I was so nervous when I got my first cat scan . I thought for sure it would show that my lungs were bad . But they are clear . I am going to work on quitting again . you didnt smoke for 6 weeks that is good . that is about how long I lasted each time I tried . Then i heard that while you are trying to quit you will have peak moments where you want one so bad and the 6 week mark is one of those peaks .
    Hope I get a chance to meet you in Austin Take care and god bless.
    Debra
  • kangatoo
    kangatoo Member Posts: 2,105 Member
    #5
    Options
    alihamilton said:

    Hi Linda, I am so sorry to hear you are feeling depressed. It is hardly surprising though as you had to be so strong during Scott's illness, looking after him, the children and yourself. When he died, you continued being strong for the sake of the children. Now it is time to nurture yourself. I can imagine how hard it would be to give up smoking but, if the cough went away when you did for a time, it is really worth trying too again. Mind you, it is easy for me to say that as I do not smoke!

    I hope the therapy is helpful but, when all is said and done, you still need time to heal from your loss.....and such a great loss.

    Come back here as often as you feel the need to vent or, hopefully, to tell us you feel a little better.

    Love,
    Ali

    Linda...sweetie...honey(I call all tha gals that...at least when Jen's not watchin). Just kiddin Linda.
    When you get to Austin I have a shoulder for you and a shoulder for Sue(bsrules)....Jen ain't gunna mind one bit!There is nothing we can say, no words that can really comfort you...but there is a mutual bond here that I think you know deep down that brings us all closer together.You have had the love of your life taken from you, your children have lost their father and now you have a huge task ahead.
    Linda...I am hoping that there is an organisation near you that offers free counselling that you may be able to seek out.We have many of these services in oz and I would be sad if they were not available in the states.
    As for smoking?...Well Linda...I smoke and admit it is not good but for me it is a stress release. Ok...I will get shot down here(I know...bad boy) but my GP would prefer me to smoke rather than fall in a heap of depression. Because it sooths me I choose to smoke rather than "drink". So you and I can have a quiet talk together in Austin while hiding in a corner somewhere puffing away.
    You do the talking Linda...I'll do the listening(Jen's a pretty good listener too)
    I hope that you can get some therapy and find it where there is no cost to you. Healing our minds plays a huge part in the grieving process.I wish we could be with you now gal. Hang in there!
    All our love...Ross and Jen
  • Betsydoglover
    Betsydoglover Member Posts: 1,248 Member
    #6
    Options
    Dear Linda -

    I am so sorry you are feeling depressed. You have coped with so much and sometimes acute stress keeps your adrenalin flowing, so to speak, and you can function without major depression. But once everything is "over" it can actually be harder to cope. You have every right to be scared and depressed. I hope the drug works for you, but if not I urge you to see a psychiatrist. And remember, psychiatrists don't just do "talk therapy" - they can also be far more expert in psycho-pharmacology than your average internist. So, give the Lexapro a try, but please don't feel like "seeing someone" represents any kind of failure on your part. Your stresses in the last year have been enormous and I can only begin to imagine the stresses of being a single parent of young children.

    I spoke with a social worker at NIH today and one of the things he talked about was the "Damocles syndrome" - the fact that cancer patients always, no matter how well or poorly they are doing, and no matter how long they have been fighting the disease, have that sword hanging over their head - "Will this be the day I find out bad news - will this be the day it recurs etc"?

    I think that close relatives of patients often experience similar syndromes. Linda, you saw a terrible disease attack and sadly kill your young husband. You've suffered a terrible loss and in addition you probably feel more vulnerable - if something this awful happened to Scott, why not to you? And what about the kids if something happens to you? What you are feeling is utterly understandable.

    I hope you can find some help. Psychiatrists help with all sorts of issues and the range of problems they can help with includes things that run far short of suicidal tendencies. I know it is hard to take that step, and I myself am currently fighting taking that step again, but 5 or so years ago I suffered from panic attacks and after "screwing around" with my internist for a year I saw a psychiatrist - a couple of sessions and the right drugs helped ENORMOUSLY. I took the drug for about 2 years - got off it- and have been fine since. So while it was a different application, I know that going to specialist is almost always a good thing, compared to going to a generalist, once you know what the condition is.

    Please take care of yourself and I wish you well.

    Betsy
  • spongebob
    spongebob Member Posts: 2,565 Member
    #7
    Options
    Ahoy, Linda!

    Hey there, you know, my mom went on anti-d's shortly after my step-dad lost his fight with the dragon. I saw a huge difference with her when she was on them. I bet they will do you some good.

    As for venting and smoking and coughing....

    I hate to say this, but maybe now isn't an ideal time to quit smoking. If it helps you temporarily, maybe it's OK - in moderation.

    As for the cough - you pretty much named the cause yourself, but Betsy makes an excellent point with the "Damocles Syndrome" comment.

    We're always here for you - and never more than a phone call away.

    We all love ya!

    - SB
  • jerseysue
    jerseysue Member Posts: 624 Member
    #8
    Options
    Tommorrow will be a better day!
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #9
    Options
    This comment has been removed by the Moderator

Discussion Boards