Facing Our Fears

Options
RunnerZ
RunnerZ Member Posts: 185
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Hi all,

I have my colonoscopy scheduled for this Friday and I just wanted to share some of my thoughts with people who understand. For those of you who are not familiar, I am a 43 year old and seven year survivor of stage 3 rectal cancer. I endured almost a full year of preoperative treatment, surgery and chemotherapy to be here today, disease free. However, I am having a very difficult time facing this routine scope for some reason. I think that I have gotten so used to being healthy again, that the chance of facing bad news is causing me so much anxiety. Further, given my bad associations with chemotherapy and radiation, every medical office makes me feel queasy again! I am so lucky to be here today and to have seen my children grow for the last 7 years. I estimate that I have run more than 12,000 miles since my diagnosis and that alone is reason to be proud! If this test goes well, I am going to give serious consideration to a change in profession. I am a prosecuting attorney, and the daily stress of the work is a grind...and one that I do not relish any longer. It is honorable work. I may just have to swallow my pride and realize that post-cancer, I just may not quite be up to the commitment required for the work. Anyway, wish me luck and thanks for always being here.

Comments

  • fedester
    fedester Member Posts: 753 Member
    #2
    Options
    hi runner,
    you have alot to be proud of. hell we all have anxiety when testing it's normal. your courage fighting this dragon inspires all of us here. good luck on the scope hope all is clear.
    all the best
    bruce
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #3
    Options
    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • spongebob
    spongebob Member Posts: 2,565 Member
    #4
    Options
    Ahoy, Runner -

    @#$% straight you have a lot to be proud of! And you're always an excellent voice of hope and encouragement here at CSN. I understand your fears and I REALLY understand your thoughts regarding your job. Ya know, the real estate law market is pretty lucrative and the hours are pretty good from what I hear! As for me, when I get tired of driving ships, busting drug runners and keeping the world safe for fish, I'm thinking that the greeter job at WalMart is looking pretty appealing!

    Keep the pace - be well.

    - SpongeBob
  • kangatoo
    kangatoo Member Posts: 2,105 Member
    #5
    Options
    spongebob said:

    Ahoy, Runner -

    @#$% straight you have a lot to be proud of! And you're always an excellent voice of hope and encouragement here at CSN. I understand your fears and I REALLY understand your thoughts regarding your job. Ya know, the real estate law market is pretty lucrative and the hours are pretty good from what I hear! As for me, when I get tired of driving ships, busting drug runners and keeping the world safe for fish, I'm thinking that the greeter job at WalMart is looking pretty appealing!

    Keep the pace - be well.

    - SpongeBob

    Hey Runner...I too remember some discussions about your stressfull job mate. Go'won, have faith in yourself mate and use your skills in something less stressfull and something that you would really like to do. Granted there is some element of risk but think of tha challenge!
    All the best for your colonoscopy......(yuk!)
    Sponger?....do I tetect a change of pace for you too buddy?
    Be safe n well guys, Ross n Jen
  • jerseysue
    jerseysue Member Posts: 624 Member
    #6
    Options
    You might want to think about not changing jobs. I'm an area manager for a phone company and I have lots of stress myself. You may want to look at your work load and see if you can reduce it and find things during the day to try and relieve your stress. If you really think about it at least for me I bring on more stress to myself then my boss does. Just my two cents. I'm sure your tests will be fine I'll keep you in my prayers. Sue
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #7
    Options
    Hi runner, I'm a newbie. Stage II colon 11/04, Stage II breast 6/05. Treat for colon done. But between AC and Taxol chemo for breast, I walked into my treatment center and said "No More". I could barely walk thru the halls I hated being there so much. My Oncologist listened sympathetically, and then said "Why would you throw away all the hard work you have done so far, and not face what needs to be done to go forward and live?" I just had 3rd Taxol chemo today. But we all feel the same, whether just done with it, or 7 years done. By the way, what an inspiration you are to me!
    Keep up the faith, and just whistle when you go to the docs....It will confuse the heck out of them!
    Kathi
  • Kaye2003
    Kaye2003 Member Posts: 86
    #8
    Options
    Will say an extra prayer for you Friday.
    God Bless,
    Kaye
  • taraHK
    taraHK Member Posts: 1,952 Member
    #9
    Options
    I can certainly understand the fear component -- and I know just what you mean about medical offices. Frankly, I think if others knew what it takes each of us to just walk over the threshold of a hospital or clinic door, they would be amazed. I will be thinking of you on Friday. Please let us know when you hear the results. (So I can start breathing again ha ha).
    As others have said, I know you have been giving a lot of thought to your job and a possible change. I certainly wouldn't think of it as not being "up to" anything. It may just be a change.....I know my attitude towards my work has changed since my brush with the beast. I still like what i do, but I have lost of lot of the ambition/drive I had....
    Thinking of you.
  • ron50
    ron50 Member Posts: 1,723 Member
    #10
    Options
    G'day Runner,
    I hope they warm the camera up mate ,I reckon that is about the only thing you will have to worry about. They may find a small polyp somewhere but it won't have had time to get nasty(I've had three removed since ca). And with a bit of luck they will just find a nice clean healthy colon. As for the job ,remember pre ca when an adventure was changing jobs and looking forward to some new directions,after dx an adventure was just making it to the next set of tests, well you are back to the pre ca days again so have an adventure ,best wishes to you and your family Ron.
  • Moesimo
    Moesimo Member Posts: 1,072 Member
    #11
    Options
    Runner,

    I am coming up on 3 years, diagnosis 3/17/03 and surgery on 6/24/03. I think I am more worried about the cancer coming back more now than I was in the beginning. I was so sick for so long that I had all I could do to survive. I work as a nurse and my heart breaks everytime I see someone with advanced cancer, esp. colon cancer.

    Also with the passing of Dana Reeve, I wonder why her and not me.

    I pray everday for all of those who are still struggling with this terrible disease.

    Maureen
  • staceyp
    staceyp Member Posts: 26
    #12
    Options
    Hi Runner,

    Just wanted to say that I hope all goes well tomorrow. Thanks for sharing your feelings. It's a scary time, I know. However, it is obvious to me that you a strong person. Hang in there.

    You said you were considering a career change. What about social work? Your experience with this disease and the emotions that go along with it, would make you a great resource for people battling cancer. Talk about a rewarding line of work!!!

    Best wishes,
    Stacey

Discussion Boards