Discovered Mother is Stage IV, seeking advice
My mother was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer Dec '01. She has been through numerous chemotherapy treatments, radiation, a mastectomy, removed a lymph node, and had surgery on her throat.
Last week she lost 30 pounds and was rushed to the ER. As a result of her stomach surgery, doctors discovered her cancer has spread to her stomach wall, liver, and intestines. They can not remove the tumors, and can not administer chemotherapy for three weeks until she recovers from the surgery. The doctor refrained from providing a timeline of what to expect, but he admits since her cancer grows very fast, chemotherapy may not even be an option after her recovery from the surgery.
I have been away to college for the majority of her cancer treatment, so I find myself completely unprepared to deal with the reassessment of her cancer to Stage IV. I am afraid to visit my mother in the hospital, because I do not want to fall to pieces in front of her, and require HER to comfort ME. My father agreed it would be best for me to visit her tomorrow. My father is at the hospital, my brother is out of town, I am home alone, and this is the first Christmas my family will not be together.
I don't want to slip into feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness, but I find myself feeling more and more depressed.
What can I do to be productive, and help my mom?
How can I keep from doing more harm than good?
How can I help my father and brother?
I am sorry this is so long and rambling...I appreciate any advice or information you can share with me.
Comments
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I'm so sorry for you dear. I remember the feelings so well. If you wish to visit my website I go over a lot of what you are asking and feeling. The address is www.urcctc.com
My prayers are with you and your family.
(((HUGS)))
hummingbyrd0 -
Hi Denimous,
I am so sorry to learn of your families tribulations. It is very normal to want to stay away from any situation that is difficult, sad, or scary.. which in this case seems to be all 3. however... when we feel this way... as hard as it may be... we need to do our best to overcome this fear. Its difficult. Our human reaction is to run from it. but since your mom needs you... and wants you to be with her... just as she would be with you... its best to be with her. You may indeed break down. You may be able to deal with time with her.. then have your feelings away from her. Either way... the best situation for the family is for all to be together... or as many as possible. I have a website I designed after I got leukemia. I have some links and resources for caregivers. Here is the link to my website:
www.geocities.com/leukemia_lymphoma
PS: If you have additional concerns you can email me, and you can also post this message in the Emotional Support section. My prayers are with you.
-Michael (leukemia survivor)0 -
hummingbyrdhummingbyrd said:I'm so sorry for you dear. I remember the feelings so well. If you wish to visit my website I go over a lot of what you are asking and feeling. The address is www.urcctc.com
My prayers are with you and your family.
(((HUGS)))
hummingbyrd
Thank you for your prompt response! I really did not expect anyone to respond on a holiday, and almost didn't post my message.
I visited your webpage and found comfort in the verses there, I am saving them to share with my mother. Her surgery has been a success. She looks stronger and walked to the door and back in her hospital room! I am still afraid, but not without hope and peace.
Please continue to keep her in your prayers, our primary concern now is for her recovery to be quick, so she may resume chemotherapy before her cancer is given a chance to do more damage.
May your holidays be full of joy and love!
denimous0 -
Hi Michaelmc2001 said:Hi Denimous,
I am so sorry to learn of your families tribulations. It is very normal to want to stay away from any situation that is difficult, sad, or scary.. which in this case seems to be all 3. however... when we feel this way... as hard as it may be... we need to do our best to overcome this fear. Its difficult. Our human reaction is to run from it. but since your mom needs you... and wants you to be with her... just as she would be with you... its best to be with her. You may indeed break down. You may be able to deal with time with her.. then have your feelings away from her. Either way... the best situation for the family is for all to be together... or as many as possible. I have a website I designed after I got leukemia. I have some links and resources for caregivers. Here is the link to my website:
www.geocities.com/leukemia_lymphoma
PS: If you have additional concerns you can email me, and you can also post this message in the Emotional Support section. My prayers are with you.
-Michael (leukemia survivor)
I surprised myself today, it turned out to be surprisingly easy to remain positive and strong in the hospital with my mom. However, upon leaving the room, I would feel exhausted and drained.
I read your story from your webpage. Before I read it, I was beginning to resent how "special" she is...unusual cancer, rare blood type, etc. I may not understand the "why" in her circumstances, but I am grateful that in these ways my family was given a signpost or warning flag for every stage. If we did not have these, we may not have detected her cancer's changes in time.
Now I am trying to find a way to cope with the feelings of guilt I have. I feel guilty...but I still want to go out and do something fun, but don't feel like I should. She doesn't even really have the luxury of being truly bored, because being in pain is anything but boring.
Do you (or others in this discussion forum) have an advice on how to maintain a balance between being there as much as you can, while finding a minimum amount of time for yourself?
I have to answer many questions from well-meaning friends and relatives, but often feel uncomfortable being completely honest or open with her condition. I hear a sugarcoated response coming out of my mouth without even thinking about it. I am afraid that it may be insensitive in the long run, when they discover that her condition is more serious than I made it seem *I don't want to make light of her condition either*. What should I do?
Thank you for your prayers. May the time spent with your family and friends this holiday season be filled with happiness and peace!
denimous
*PS Would it be more convenient to email you or post on the discussion boards?*0 -
Don't be afraid to spend time with your Mother. Loving care and support is very important in recovery from surgery alone, not to mention the diagnosis news she must deal with.
Since you've been away at school during most of your Mother's coping with cancer, you've not really had the chance to experience the hands on role of "caregiver" or "supporter", on a daily basis, so it's a lot to digest and get a handle on. But your heart will lead you in the right direction. If you can think from an empathetic viewpoint, it may be helpful. Just try to imagine what you'd need most in her situation, coupled with what you want to give of yourself to her and you'll likely find the right combination. Some of us deal with these kinds of shocks poorly, at least at first. It's perfectly normal. But just hang in there and let your Mom know how much you love her and you'll get through and find your own special, balanced way of being supportive to her.
As far as going out and having fun: If you're home from college just for the holidays, it's not a lot of time before you'll be returning and your decisions should be easy to make really. Do what you feel is right for yourself, keeping in mind the amount of time you want and need to spend with your Mother. Her prognosis and your own heart will guide you. You have to decide whether the guilt you mentioned feeling is a result of doing what you feel is right or doing what you feel is wrong. If going out with friends and partying or whatever feels wrong to you then it probably is. If, on the other hand, it feels right, then it probably is right. Our inner voices are amazing problem solvers if we just listen to them. This is no time to get caught up in what others think or expect you to be doing. Knowing what your Mom's needs are is paramount in deciding your own actions, as is understanding your own needs. Being with your Mom is not something you must do to the exclusion of all else and I presume that you are not at the hospital at night, so maybe spend some time with a few of your best friends when possible and enjoy their company. I think you'll find that they'll be there for you and become a source of support for you, without becoming intrusive or demanding of your time.
Caregivers commonly feel guilty when taking time away from their loved one's who are suffering. Every situation is different. If you'll be returning to college soon, then you may feel that spending more time with your Mom is a priority. If you'll be remaining at home then keep in mind that balance is very important. It'll work out, it just takes time and internalizing.
Regarding what you're telling friends/relatives:
It's best, I think, if you're going to discuss it with them at all, to be truthful and honest as much as your understanding of her prognosis allows. Not much sense in playing games with what's going on. But keep in mind, on a very personal level, that hope is very important. There are exceptions to every rule. Doctor's have been shocked and surprised on more than a few occasions and none of us knows who's going to be that exception or when!
One thing I noted in your responses, was that you said that you were beginning to resent how "speical" your Mother is, in that her cancer is rare and her blood type is rare, etc.. Perhaps you have a competitive relationship with your Mother and it could be of many years standing and perhaps it's time to address that, if it is an issue? These critical times are difficult and painful for everyone and carrying excess baggage into often only complicates everything. Seek professional counseling if you feel that it could be beneficial.
Regarding supporting your Father and brother: Just do practical things around the house to keep things in order there (errands, shopping, straightening, etc.) and I think it's important to spend a lot of time talking out your various feelings together...the 3 of you. It's not a time to tap dance around the issues your Mother is facing. They are grave and serious. Coping as a family is very important and that entails communications. To each of you and particularly important for your Mother.
Just my thoughts and I hope some of it may be helpful to you. I know you're hurting and it's difficult to digest everything that's happening but you must find your strength and save yourself regrets in the future. Your love and support is the greatest gift you have to give to your Mother and you only need to decide how you'll go about it in a way that is good for her and good for yourself as well. My heartfelt thoughts are with you as you find your way.
Love, light and laughter,
Ink0 -
Good for you denimous! I am happy you spent time with your mom. You are feeling exhausted because caretaking is physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. This is why its *necessary* to have alone time. Go with friends or family. have some fun when you can. You need to *recharge the batteries* so to speak. Otherwise.. you will wear yourself down. And dont feel guilty about it. You are not choosing to totally ignore your mom while you ONLY want to have fun regardless of your mom. Also.. about talking to family and friends of your moms situation. I suggest being upfront and honest. There is no reason to sugarcoat anything. They are willing and able to be there for you and they want to know the truth. Hope this helps. God bless.denimous said:Hi Michael
I surprised myself today, it turned out to be surprisingly easy to remain positive and strong in the hospital with my mom. However, upon leaving the room, I would feel exhausted and drained.
I read your story from your webpage. Before I read it, I was beginning to resent how "special" she is...unusual cancer, rare blood type, etc. I may not understand the "why" in her circumstances, but I am grateful that in these ways my family was given a signpost or warning flag for every stage. If we did not have these, we may not have detected her cancer's changes in time.
Now I am trying to find a way to cope with the feelings of guilt I have. I feel guilty...but I still want to go out and do something fun, but don't feel like I should. She doesn't even really have the luxury of being truly bored, because being in pain is anything but boring.
Do you (or others in this discussion forum) have an advice on how to maintain a balance between being there as much as you can, while finding a minimum amount of time for yourself?
I have to answer many questions from well-meaning friends and relatives, but often feel uncomfortable being completely honest or open with her condition. I hear a sugarcoated response coming out of my mouth without even thinking about it. I am afraid that it may be insensitive in the long run, when they discover that her condition is more serious than I made it seem *I don't want to make light of her condition either*. What should I do?
Thank you for your prayers. May the time spent with your family and friends this holiday season be filled with happiness and peace!
denimous
*PS Would it be more convenient to email you or post on the discussion boards?*
-Michael0 -
Inkblotinkblot said:Don't be afraid to spend time with your Mother. Loving care and support is very important in recovery from surgery alone, not to mention the diagnosis news she must deal with.
Since you've been away at school during most of your Mother's coping with cancer, you've not really had the chance to experience the hands on role of "caregiver" or "supporter", on a daily basis, so it's a lot to digest and get a handle on. But your heart will lead you in the right direction. If you can think from an empathetic viewpoint, it may be helpful. Just try to imagine what you'd need most in her situation, coupled with what you want to give of yourself to her and you'll likely find the right combination. Some of us deal with these kinds of shocks poorly, at least at first. It's perfectly normal. But just hang in there and let your Mom know how much you love her and you'll get through and find your own special, balanced way of being supportive to her.
As far as going out and having fun: If you're home from college just for the holidays, it's not a lot of time before you'll be returning and your decisions should be easy to make really. Do what you feel is right for yourself, keeping in mind the amount of time you want and need to spend with your Mother. Her prognosis and your own heart will guide you. You have to decide whether the guilt you mentioned feeling is a result of doing what you feel is right or doing what you feel is wrong. If going out with friends and partying or whatever feels wrong to you then it probably is. If, on the other hand, it feels right, then it probably is right. Our inner voices are amazing problem solvers if we just listen to them. This is no time to get caught up in what others think or expect you to be doing. Knowing what your Mom's needs are is paramount in deciding your own actions, as is understanding your own needs. Being with your Mom is not something you must do to the exclusion of all else and I presume that you are not at the hospital at night, so maybe spend some time with a few of your best friends when possible and enjoy their company. I think you'll find that they'll be there for you and become a source of support for you, without becoming intrusive or demanding of your time.
Caregivers commonly feel guilty when taking time away from their loved one's who are suffering. Every situation is different. If you'll be returning to college soon, then you may feel that spending more time with your Mom is a priority. If you'll be remaining at home then keep in mind that balance is very important. It'll work out, it just takes time and internalizing.
Regarding what you're telling friends/relatives:
It's best, I think, if you're going to discuss it with them at all, to be truthful and honest as much as your understanding of her prognosis allows. Not much sense in playing games with what's going on. But keep in mind, on a very personal level, that hope is very important. There are exceptions to every rule. Doctor's have been shocked and surprised on more than a few occasions and none of us knows who's going to be that exception or when!
One thing I noted in your responses, was that you said that you were beginning to resent how "speical" your Mother is, in that her cancer is rare and her blood type is rare, etc.. Perhaps you have a competitive relationship with your Mother and it could be of many years standing and perhaps it's time to address that, if it is an issue? These critical times are difficult and painful for everyone and carrying excess baggage into often only complicates everything. Seek professional counseling if you feel that it could be beneficial.
Regarding supporting your Father and brother: Just do practical things around the house to keep things in order there (errands, shopping, straightening, etc.) and I think it's important to spend a lot of time talking out your various feelings together...the 3 of you. It's not a time to tap dance around the issues your Mother is facing. They are grave and serious. Coping as a family is very important and that entails communications. To each of you and particularly important for your Mother.
Just my thoughts and I hope some of it may be helpful to you. I know you're hurting and it's difficult to digest everything that's happening but you must find your strength and save yourself regrets in the future. Your love and support is the greatest gift you have to give to your Mother and you only need to decide how you'll go about it in a way that is good for her and good for yourself as well. My heartfelt thoughts are with you as you find your way.
Love, light and laughter,
Ink
Thank you for your advice! I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed the past few days. I feel myself being thrown into the responsibilities of a caregiver now...I am moving back to my family's home for an indefinate period of time. I have graduated in June, but planned on staying in my college town to find a job there. So now I am trying to sell that house and move.
I tried to help her by doing what I thought I would want...but after reading some of the wealth of information available to caregivers...I've found many mistakes in my thinking, so I am trying to improve. I have probably done just about every newbie mistake. But I guess thats the best way to learn not to do it again, personal experience!
I guess I am seeking advice on how to adjust to my new "lifestyle". Its hard because it DOES matter to a degree what others think...I have been spending from 9am to 10pm at the hospital, with a few hours home to grab more things for my mom, eat, and clean the house. In my absense, her visitors ask her why I am not there...and that upsets her more than my absence itself. Upon returning, I find her unhappy and upset with me. Their small criticisms and comments really effect her mood, but they are well-meaning and do not know the harm they sometimes do.
The "specialness" comment was in reference to a comment on Michael's website. His story described his unusual medical circumstances, and I find some comfort because my mother has had many complications...it makes me wish she had more "average" cancer problems. I just hate to watch her struggle with every new discovery or exception she must digest and deal with, it is hard to find hope at those times. But I do not feel any jealousy towards her, if anything I would like nothing more than to be left alone sometimes. This is one main reason I sought a discussion group, it is hard for me to share these feelings with my friends. I do not want them to pity me...I'm getting sick of being "awwww-ed" over. Sometimes I'd like to scream "I'm not the one with cancer...I have the easy job!" Or..."Why are you sorry, you didn't give my mom cancer!" Probably not a good way to appreciate my friend's well meaning comforting. I find myself trying to seek out friends who don't know about my mom's cancer...just so I don't have to explain, and can have a "normal" afternoon every once in a while. But its hard to say I am doing well when they ask me how I am doing, the real answer is more like "exhausted, tired, and downright cranky!"
I will try to remember to listen more to my heart. My father has been absolutely wonderful the entire time, sharing his experiences and feelings with me. My brother is returning from a trip, so we will share more details of my mom's condition with him in person tonight.
Thanks for your understanding and support.0 -
So glad to hear your mom did so well! Keep up the positive attitude; it will only help you and your mom. Didn't tell you before but will let you know now...I have been stage 4 with a "very aggressive" cancer since June 2000. By the grace of God I'm still here. Best wishes for your mom! and of course continued prayers.denimous said:hummingbyrd
Thank you for your prompt response! I really did not expect anyone to respond on a holiday, and almost didn't post my message.
I visited your webpage and found comfort in the verses there, I am saving them to share with my mother. Her surgery has been a success. She looks stronger and walked to the door and back in her hospital room! I am still afraid, but not without hope and peace.
Please continue to keep her in your prayers, our primary concern now is for her recovery to be quick, so she may resume chemotherapy before her cancer is given a chance to do more damage.
May your holidays be full of joy and love!
denimous
God bless.
humminbyrd0 -
Hey denimous:denimous said:Inkblot
Thank you for your advice! I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed the past few days. I feel myself being thrown into the responsibilities of a caregiver now...I am moving back to my family's home for an indefinate period of time. I have graduated in June, but planned on staying in my college town to find a job there. So now I am trying to sell that house and move.
I tried to help her by doing what I thought I would want...but after reading some of the wealth of information available to caregivers...I've found many mistakes in my thinking, so I am trying to improve. I have probably done just about every newbie mistake. But I guess thats the best way to learn not to do it again, personal experience!
I guess I am seeking advice on how to adjust to my new "lifestyle". Its hard because it DOES matter to a degree what others think...I have been spending from 9am to 10pm at the hospital, with a few hours home to grab more things for my mom, eat, and clean the house. In my absense, her visitors ask her why I am not there...and that upsets her more than my absence itself. Upon returning, I find her unhappy and upset with me. Their small criticisms and comments really effect her mood, but they are well-meaning and do not know the harm they sometimes do.
The "specialness" comment was in reference to a comment on Michael's website. His story described his unusual medical circumstances, and I find some comfort because my mother has had many complications...it makes me wish she had more "average" cancer problems. I just hate to watch her struggle with every new discovery or exception she must digest and deal with, it is hard to find hope at those times. But I do not feel any jealousy towards her, if anything I would like nothing more than to be left alone sometimes. This is one main reason I sought a discussion group, it is hard for me to share these feelings with my friends. I do not want them to pity me...I'm getting sick of being "awwww-ed" over. Sometimes I'd like to scream "I'm not the one with cancer...I have the easy job!" Or..."Why are you sorry, you didn't give my mom cancer!" Probably not a good way to appreciate my friend's well meaning comforting. I find myself trying to seek out friends who don't know about my mom's cancer...just so I don't have to explain, and can have a "normal" afternoon every once in a while. But its hard to say I am doing well when they ask me how I am doing, the real answer is more like "exhausted, tired, and downright cranky!"
I will try to remember to listen more to my heart. My father has been absolutely wonderful the entire time, sharing his experiences and feelings with me. My brother is returning from a trip, so we will share more details of my mom's condition with him in person tonight.
Thanks for your understanding and support.
Your reply was uplifting to hear and it's good to know there are no major, pre-existing issues regarding your realtionship with your Mom! Less to work.
Wondering though if you may be spending too much time in hospital? That's a very, very long day for anyone. Wondering if perhaps your Father,
your brother and yourself (when he returns home)could be with her at different times, which are practical and may accommodate everyone's schedules? It would give each of you a break and may be logical in managing the house, errands, etc., while also having someone with your Mom? Unfortunately, the mundane things, necessary for daily living still require attention and must be done at some point. Food must be in the house and laundry must be done, mail must be taken care of, etc.. Wondering if you could call upon relatives who are nearby to take on some of those tasks? Most people really want to help and often just don't know how or what's needed and they feel very good when we can tell them what we most need.
The bottom line is that it's important for all of you to take good care of yourselves, with proper rest, nutrition, etc., so your own strength doesn't wane, leading you to become irritable, super stressed and less able to cope. None of what you're experiencing is simple or easy to address but I can see good progress just from your first post here through to your reply to my post and that's commendable!
I believe the caregiver support site here is a very good one and it's good to know that you've gotten some helpful feedback and advice there.
Trust yourself and give yourself some time and try to continue to listen to your heart, with a dash of common sense, and you'll find balance in all this. Your body will also tell you if you're becoming overly tired, etc., so remember to listen to it also!
Congratulations on your graduation! That's a wonderful achievement. I know it's tough having all your plans changed so, but know that there will be a time for you. A time for your life plans to blossom, while discovering the adventure of your unique self, talents and gifts and the joy of living. Sometimes we find these things in the most unusual of places and circumstances too! Our times of deep pain and frustration can sometimes make these things seem unachievable...just out of reach, but remember that they are never farther away than you're willing to place them. We are resilient, wonderful beings really and as long as we are seeking, we will find and as long as we keep knocking, we will get through. I really do believe that there is a time and a purpose to everything in our lives, in our world even. So although your plans are on a back burner just now, they will not always be there.
Take good care of yourself. I somehow know that you will. You're very resourceful! My first clue is because you wasted no time in seeking information when faced with a new and daunting situation of such magnitude. This speaks volumes about you and such action is key to leading us to our answers in life. I must say, for the record though, that I disagree about what "others think".
Your Mother's visitors have no right to ask where you are, do they? Will you ask your Mother where they are when they are not there? Nonsense. Unfortunately, many people seem to enjoy gossiping, making issues where there are none,
meddling in the affairs of other's, etc.. We know these people are out there in the world and it's most unpleasant when we meet up with them.
Assertiveness is important in such situations. Having been a caregiver and later a survivor, I know how it feels on both sides of the coin and one is as much of a challenge as the other but in different ways, of course.
Best wishes to you and I'm hoping with all my heart that your Mom's condition will improve!
Love, light and laughter,
Ink0 -
Hey Inkblot...inkblot said:Hey denimous:
Your reply was uplifting to hear and it's good to know there are no major, pre-existing issues regarding your realtionship with your Mom! Less to work.
Wondering though if you may be spending too much time in hospital? That's a very, very long day for anyone. Wondering if perhaps your Father,
your brother and yourself (when he returns home)could be with her at different times, which are practical and may accommodate everyone's schedules? It would give each of you a break and may be logical in managing the house, errands, etc., while also having someone with your Mom? Unfortunately, the mundane things, necessary for daily living still require attention and must be done at some point. Food must be in the house and laundry must be done, mail must be taken care of, etc.. Wondering if you could call upon relatives who are nearby to take on some of those tasks? Most people really want to help and often just don't know how or what's needed and they feel very good when we can tell them what we most need.
The bottom line is that it's important for all of you to take good care of yourselves, with proper rest, nutrition, etc., so your own strength doesn't wane, leading you to become irritable, super stressed and less able to cope. None of what you're experiencing is simple or easy to address but I can see good progress just from your first post here through to your reply to my post and that's commendable!
I believe the caregiver support site here is a very good one and it's good to know that you've gotten some helpful feedback and advice there.
Trust yourself and give yourself some time and try to continue to listen to your heart, with a dash of common sense, and you'll find balance in all this. Your body will also tell you if you're becoming overly tired, etc., so remember to listen to it also!
Congratulations on your graduation! That's a wonderful achievement. I know it's tough having all your plans changed so, but know that there will be a time for you. A time for your life plans to blossom, while discovering the adventure of your unique self, talents and gifts and the joy of living. Sometimes we find these things in the most unusual of places and circumstances too! Our times of deep pain and frustration can sometimes make these things seem unachievable...just out of reach, but remember that they are never farther away than you're willing to place them. We are resilient, wonderful beings really and as long as we are seeking, we will find and as long as we keep knocking, we will get through. I really do believe that there is a time and a purpose to everything in our lives, in our world even. So although your plans are on a back burner just now, they will not always be there.
Take good care of yourself. I somehow know that you will. You're very resourceful! My first clue is because you wasted no time in seeking information when faced with a new and daunting situation of such magnitude. This speaks volumes about you and such action is key to leading us to our answers in life. I must say, for the record though, that I disagree about what "others think".
Your Mother's visitors have no right to ask where you are, do they? Will you ask your Mother where they are when they are not there? Nonsense. Unfortunately, many people seem to enjoy gossiping, making issues where there are none,
meddling in the affairs of other's, etc.. We know these people are out there in the world and it's most unpleasant when we meet up with them.
Assertiveness is important in such situations. Having been a caregiver and later a survivor, I know how it feels on both sides of the coin and one is as much of a challenge as the other but in different ways, of course.
Best wishes to you and I'm hoping with all my heart that your Mom's condition will improve!
Love, light and laughter,
Ink
I am sick. I noticed it at first yesterday...I did not wakeup from my alarm and slept in till 2 pm, my dad let me sleep and went to the hospital himself. Good thing he did! Now I have a cold, I only hope I caught it in time to not spread it to others in the hospital. I will be communicating by phone and letter with my mom. Unfortunately, if I am still sick when she returns home I will have to stay at my collegetown home until I get better.
In regards to my mom's friends...they are my elders and I must respect them, it is hard to find an appropriate way to speak with them, without it being "talking back". Sometimes they make me angry, bossing me around for the hour they visit...saying things like "Don't forget to take care of your mom". What did they THINK I was doing at the hospital, hitting on the doctors??? But they mean well and my mom loves them, so what can I do... Sometimes I wish my mom could stand up for me, but the nagging doubts she has in her heart are often voiced by them unknowingly...so all I can do is try to reassure her.
I am having a hard time trying to make her feel important...she is starting to get jealous of the relationship my father and I have. It is hard, because we are home alone and need each other...what she doesn't realize is that most of the time we talk about her.
I do have happy news, my mother is WALKING! and she is also spending most of her time SITTING UP! I watched her walk again for the very first time, she is very brave. She is trying her best not to become reliant on that hospital bed and the medications she is on. I am trying to help her overcome this misconception that pushing the button for pain medication means she is a weak person. I try to remind her, if she doesn't use it she will be in too much pain to walk or get better. She is afraid of dependency on the morphine. Unfortunately I don't know very much about her medications, but hearing her in pain is very hard. She often asks me to leave the room when she feels sick, but I stay and remind her of all the times she's had to take care of me sick as a child *that was many many times!*. Would it actually be better if I left the room?
Now that my brother is back he can help, but he has been kind of a flake when it comes to family affairs. I do not wish to push him too much, he will come around of his own accord...I know he will because he loves my mom very much. He is also a few years younger than me.
I would like once again to thank you and everyone else, hummingbyrd and Michael, for their kind words and support. I have found much comfort and even joy. I hope when I have learned more, I can help others too. I am looking into volunteering at the local hospital's ER with my best friend. For now I think I am seeing enough of hospitals =b.
Thank you and may God bless!
denimous0 -
You have my heart and my prayers and thoughts as well as your mother. I know that this is a hard time for both of you. But the best answer that anyone can give you at this time is to accept the mortality of your mother and don't let that keep you from her. Even if you cry, you need to be with her now and she needs you. There are no magic formulas or words that are going to make this any easier for either of you. But you do need to be together and make your peace with what is happening. I wish the best for the both of you.0
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