Having your marriage survive a Cancer diagnosis

IWon · April 2004

I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer (stage 1) in June of 2000, 2 days before my 37 birthday. After Radiation Therapy and 6 months of Chemo, I am now cancer free. Since my treatment ended, my marriage (19 years) has suffered. My husband supported me through my treatment but then had a meltdown. We had a very strong marriage for 15 years but now he has become very controlling. I assume that it has everything to do with my cancer diagnosis. I think that the cancer made him realise that we weren't invinsible and now he's afraid of losing me. I think he means well but it's very difficult for me. He has become insecure, he gets intimidated when I go out with friends (I used to go out with friends in the evening, but now I only make plans with them when he's at work). He thinks that we need to spend every minute together and if I want to visit friends or family he thinks that means that I don't want to spend time with him. He wants to know everything I do and where I'm going. I've been very patient and understanding but now it's driving me crazy. Has anyone else experienced this? and if you have, have you figured out what can help?

inkblot · April 2004

Hi rogalar:

It occurs to me that your husband is suffering a fear response from your cancer experience that he hasn't gotten past yet.

He's also had an emotional cancer experience, via yours. Our caregivers/loved one's can become as effected as we often do...sometimes even moreso. His fear of losing you to cancer seems to be causing him to believe that if he knows exactly where you are at all times (and preferably with him) then he can protect you or respond quickly if anything suddenly happened to you. A "protective" mechanism for him? Not a healthy one, whatever the cause. He must be suffering terrible anxiety.

I dont' know what the remedy may be for him but I'd suggest that time is on your side, together with your sharing all the good stuff with him...when you feel great, etc.. Let him know the things you're doing that are rewarding to you and how good it feels to be healthy again, etc.. Make a big deal of good check ups, etc. Reinforcing to him that you're ok, alive and well and capable, without actually telling him not to worry so much.

From what I hear, it's not an uncommon reaction in husbands and/or wives of cancer survivors. Your sweet husband probably has no idea that he's over the top and annoying you with his actions. After 4 years though, it seems time for him to get on more solid ground.

He may benefit from counseling which could help him find a better, healthier perspective. Could go a long way in correcting what seems to have become a habit? A habit borne out of your frightening dx, love for you, fear and worry. I wouldn't let cancer upset a strong and happy, 15 year realtionship. No way! Gotta reign this man's fear in somehow.

Try talking this out with him, calmly and in a focused way, without letting your annoyance rear it's head too much...making it clear that you care very much about his anxiety level and don't want him to feel this way anymore. If you can make the focus about him and his feelings, maybe he can share exactly how's he's feeling and realize that he needs to work through it? Just a thought. It could be very helpful for you to consult with a professional to get some idea's on what you can do to help him find his way out of his current state. Four years is a long, long time for someone to be that afraid. If he wasn't controlling before, then he's likely only trying to control his fears more than he's trying to control you?

I seem to be having a problem posting this, and even lost a portion of it...so will try again and hope it posts properly.

Good luck to you and please keep us posted.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink

Vanetia · May 2004

Hey Rogalar,
My husband was or is the same way somewhat, My mother said it is because men are fixers, and this is something he can't fix. Also you are right he is scared, so maybe he needs to talk to someone. Maybe a friend or counsler. It can't hurt. My husband was and is able to talk to a friend of his which has helped him alot. Men don't like to talk about things so when they do it can only help. So is there a friend of yours and his that preferbly is a man he can talk to about this. This person might have some good advice for both of you.

besci · May 2004

Please email me, I want to help, and so does God.

Having your marriage survive a Cancer diagnosis

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