Thank you for all of you responses

It took me a while to figure out the source of that feeling, Fawn, and for me it was the realization that even though the outlook was as good as it could possible be at the time, I would never have my life back exactly the way it was before. Everyone else effortlessly slides back into the way it all was before while we continue to struggle with this new altered being thing. I still think that part is unfair, but it doesn't bother me as much anymore except when others blurt out their little rosy pictures of how everything is going to be just fine from now on. It is almost like an order to put this aside and go back to the way it was. If that were possible, I'd be the first one there. Fawn, you will not continue to feel this awful, hun. It is hard to imagine a blissfully carefree day after this long string of bummers, but I promise you it will come. Hugs, Denise

DeeNY711 said:

It took me a while to figure out the source of that feeling, Fawn, and for me it was the realization that even though the outlook was as good as it could possible be at the time, I would never have my life back exactly the way it was before. Everyone else effortlessly slides back into the way it all was before while we continue to struggle with this new altered being thing. I still think that part is unfair, but it doesn't bother me as much anymore except when others blurt out their little rosy pictures of how everything is going to be just fine from now on. It is almost like an order to put this aside and go back to the way it was. If that were possible, I'd be the first one there. Fawn, you will not continue to feel this awful, hun. It is hard to imagine a blissfully carefree day after this long string of bummers, but I promise you it will come. Hugs, Denise

Fawn, even thou I'm not at remission yet, I don't think your feeling anything that anyone else here hasen't felt. I'm still in the middle of chemo, yet I've already had the feeling from some that I should be moving on because I'm back at work. I think some of it is because I'm a very independent single mom (or used to be!!). I also can relate to only breaking down when I'm alone. If I do in front of family/friends/coworkers it freaks them out, and it's so hard to be strong all the time. And I also just babble, but you know what, we deserve the right to! That's why it's so important to have support from places like this, no one knows what your going through like those who have gone through it as well. Stay strong - you know you have it in you because you've gotten as far as you have - my heart goes out to you. Stay in touch, Judy

NJ - There is no way for us to tell you that it won't come back, I truly wish there was. What you really have to keep in mind is that with all of the studies going on, testing of new medications, if it does come back there will only be more ammunition to fight it with. Remember that breast cancer is a treatable disease. No guarantees but if we are unlucky enough to be in this position at least we know that the available treatments are expanding rapidly. You might want to ask your doctor about anti-depressants for a little while. I just had my first chemo today, I am looking forward to being where you are. Good luck. Love, light and laughter.

Hi Fawn:

It's tough, I know. Yet, allowing ourselves to vent our feelings, fears and frustrations, helps us to find a perspective which is healthier and more fulfilling. It takes some time, patience and effort.

Don't allow the fear to rule your life. Decide right here, right now, that you will go forward with your life, taking the time to embrace all the people and things you love best. Make a promise to yourself that when your head hits the pillow at the end of every day, that you will have laughed, loved and found joy in the biggest part of that day. Maybe we can never go back and maybe we'll never be the same, but do we really want to be? I say that we can be better, stronger, less afraid and more determined to live life the way we really want to live it and love every minute of it.

If we can begin to see our cancer as something we
HAD, then we are on our way out of the darkness. We can let go of some of the trauma by working through it, by talking it out with people who understand and by being kind to ourselves every day. As we continue along our recovery, we begin to realise just how much we have to give to others, how much we've grown and how happy we are just to be alive and well. Why waste all that wonderful stuff in worry and fear?

Our cancers may never return. We can live long and finally pass from this world due to something completely unrelated. Living long is great but living happily and fully is better.

We can make a conscious decision that IF our cancer ever returns, then we will deal with it then. We can decide to enrich our lives and the lives of those around us or we can let the fear rule and sacrifice every day to worry and fears about things which haven't happened and may never happen. It's a control thing really. It isn't easy accepting that we don't know why we got breast cancer in the first place. It also isn't easy accepting that there are no guarantees that it won't ever come back in one form or another.
There's a certain peace in knowing that we did all that we could do to rid ourselves of it. A satisfaction in taking the best care of ourselves, so that we may reduce our risks for the future. That's very valuable stuff and very much worth the effort.

Don't despair! It's ok to cry. It's ok to feel sad. It's ok to feel angry. It's ok to feel anything you're feeling. It's all a natural part of our emotional recovery. There are bumps and cracks and hills along our journey and we can't hide from them. We all must start somewhere. One step at a time, one day at a time by working to smooth out some of the humps and bumps.

Hang in there because as many of the other ladies have said, it does get better. Days will begin to pass when you'll find yourself giving less and less thought and tears/fears to what you've been through and more and more thought to the quality of each day and what you want to do with it. Patience, small steps and a positive focus on getting to where you want to be and pretty soon you begin to realise just how far you've come! For every time that we crawl into our beds and cry, alone, we're moving closer to the light that will shine on our lives again. And IT WILL, if we are determined to push open our heavy doors and invite the light inside.

Wishing you good things and hope you're feeling better soon.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink

Hope you are feeling better. I really have gotten alot of support myself from the responses to your posting. I finished chemo in jan 2003, and radiation in march. I feel scared too, afraid it will come back. Friends and family do seem to be moving on and I feel they think I am dwelling on things if I try to talk about my feelings. Thats why I am so glad to have found the chat room. I have gotten alot of support from this and also feel since I have finished my treatment I can also help others who are still on that road. We are all in this together and I think we are special people. Good luck!