are you ever lonely?
mags
Comments
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I dont know anyone with
I dont know anyone with cancer who at one time or another didnt feel lonely and it can happen at time of diagnoses, during treatment and afterwards. It can happen at home, at work, with friends, being around the general public, driving, or lying in bed unable to sleep. It also affects caregivers in many of the same ways.0 -
Great question Mags
I was thinking about it last night and finshed up really depressed. When I was dx I had a wife a home full of plants and pets. My boats were parked down the side of the house. Now ,no wife ,no pets ,no real friends. I work alone,I fish alone,I live alone,I am alone. My body has even deserted me. I can no longer feel my legs from the knees down, same in my left hand,my kidneys are down to fifty percent and leaking protein like a sieve. I have osteo and psoriatic arthritis and have to take some crap drugs,arthritis drugs are as bad in their own way as chemo. The one I am on at the moment ,arava, is so invasive that if you are a woman that wants to have a child ,you must go off it for two years. I am turning into a hermit and the only word to describe my life is ALONE. I strongly supect I will die alone and the thing that upsets me most is that it is probably the way I want it. PS I don't want pity or sympathy the one thing I have learned in life is to accept things the way they are,Have a good healthy Christmas Mags...Ron.0 -
The answer is yes
This is the only place where I can interact about cancer. While my family would listen, they can't understand all that goes with the disease.
My folks are in their mid-80's so don't want to lay any heavy stuff on them. My kids are grown with families and problems of their own, so they don't need my worries on top of that.
I have no significant other. I do have one internet friend who I can share anything with, but even there I hold it back fearing if I get too much into it, it may cost me that friendship. Before cancer I did have several others, but somehow they disappeared after the diagnosis.
I am not a hermit. I lunch out with ladies in the neighborhod. There are several who are alone so we kinda keep tabs on each other. I do some charity work with the local hospital.
But cancer is not a topic of conversation with anyone but you folks. Thank God for you all.
Marie who loves kitties0 -
It can be isolating
I live alone and have no family in the city I live in. I have great friends but they are busy with their own life, as they should be. I was thinking about my mom recently, wishing (for many reasons) that she had survived colon cancer, we could have leaned on each other and pull each other through it. She did not have an online community of people to help her like I do and I can't imagine how much harder that must have been for her. A least we have each other
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It's a lonely disease!christinecarl said:It can be isolating
I live alone and have no family in the city I live in. I have great friends but they are busy with their own life, as they should be. I was thinking about my mom recently, wishing (for many reasons) that she had survived colon cancer, we could have leaned on each other and pull each other through it. She did not have an online community of people to help her like I do and I can't imagine how much harder that must have been for her. A least we have each other
I have people all around me family, friends co-workers. Every one wants to help me and feel sorry for me but none of them know what I feel. None could understand the emotion this C word brings to us. I am lonely within my thoughts. This CSN site has helped me connect with some people who can identify with the feelings. The only other people that I feel understand are the oncology nurses and the ostomy nurses. Sometimes when i think too much i get in a bad space mentaly and think im gonna loose it. I'm feeling you guys and girls on this post. good subject it actually feels good to vent. thank you.
Tom0 -
unlock?
I think my mum is currently locking herself up because of it ... she doesn't want to let her friends know about it, she doesn't want to see other people, except me... she doesn't want to talk about it... Sometimes I can tell she was thinking really hard but she refused to tell me her thoughts...0 -
Yea, even though I haveluvmum said:unlock?
I think my mum is currently locking herself up because of it ... she doesn't want to let her friends know about it, she doesn't want to see other people, except me... she doesn't want to talk about it... Sometimes I can tell she was thinking really hard but she refused to tell me her thoughts...
Yea, even though I have probably the most family, the most loving understanding husband, no one really knows......I MAY NOT BE HERE TOMORROW, HOPE AS HELL THAT I DO, BUT HELLO! I HAVE STAGE 4 CANCER..........LET ME ACCEPT DEATH, IT'S NOT THAT I AM DYING RIGHT NOW, BUT HELL I COULD BE TOMORROW. YES, I AM LIVING FOR TODAY, BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT BECAUSE I AM NOT LIVING FOR TOMORROW OR NEXT WEEK THAT I DON'T THINK OF MY GRAND KIDS'S GRADUATION OR WEDDINGS. HELLO!
But, yeah, I am loved. Every day. But.....I can be lonely thinking of what may not be. And it is okay. And, I don't care that I didn't do the dishes today......what, oh, I can do laundry tomorrow. "I am not depressed, I am in cancer mode." Don't care, you can do the laundry if you like, but it can wait until tomorrow and if I am not here, you can do it! k...
No, really. Right now I making the fixings for 35 dozen tamales that we will make tomorrow morning. I will probably be tired tomorrow night, but, I will sleep in on Monday...an appointment Monday, hmmm, not sure, I will check it tomorrow.
Got to go.....love ya!0 -
nanaNana b said:Yea, even though I have
Yea, even though I have probably the most family, the most loving understanding husband, no one really knows......I MAY NOT BE HERE TOMORROW, HOPE AS HELL THAT I DO, BUT HELLO! I HAVE STAGE 4 CANCER..........LET ME ACCEPT DEATH, IT'S NOT THAT I AM DYING RIGHT NOW, BUT HELL I COULD BE TOMORROW. YES, I AM LIVING FOR TODAY, BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT BECAUSE I AM NOT LIVING FOR TOMORROW OR NEXT WEEK THAT I DON'T THINK OF MY GRAND KIDS'S GRADUATION OR WEDDINGS. HELLO!
But, yeah, I am loved. Every day. But.....I can be lonely thinking of what may not be. And it is okay. And, I don't care that I didn't do the dishes today......what, oh, I can do laundry tomorrow. "I am not depressed, I am in cancer mode." Don't care, you can do the laundry if you like, but it can wait until tomorrow and if I am not here, you can do it! k...
No, really. Right now I making the fixings for 35 dozen tamales that we will make tomorrow morning. I will probably be tired tomorrow night, but, I will sleep in on Monday...an appointment Monday, hmmm, not sure, I will check it tomorrow.
Got to go.....love ya!
loved your post!!!!1 stage 4 as well and who knows??? sometimes we just need to be pissed, as much family you have , and how well they mean they just dont know, i do know i feel a little better by reading your post!!!im betting those tamales will be kick ****!!! merry christmas to you and your family!!0 -
Thanks, here's to you! Pm,glinka65 said:nana
loved your post!!!!1 stage 4 as well and who knows??? sometimes we just need to be pissed, as much family you have , and how well they mean they just dont know, i do know i feel a little better by reading your post!!!im betting those tamales will be kick ****!!! merry christmas to you and your family!!
Thanks, here's to you! Pm, me anytime! Merry Christmas to you! Going to bed...take care!0 -
for sure
as you all know i'm a caregaver to my husband who has stage 4 i love him so much i would die to keep him alive . the last month or so ive been feeling very lonely i been taking care of everyone in my home even more so after we found out about the cancer with no help from family they try to tell me what to do you get Jorge better but no one has tried to help so you ask do you ever get lonely yes .i think being a caregiver is just as hard to deal with as having the c .as of right now i'm caring for my husband my 3kids 2 grandkids and 2 awesome foster boys who so needs my love and to top it all offf a 7 bedroom house to clean what the hell was my husband thinking when he want to buy this big house .i lie in bed and i ask why me what did i do wrong .so for going on like this i think the post was for someone with cancer but i just need to said it hugs to all Tina0 -
Yep
I have some really great friends and family but, this is my cancer and not theirs. Oh yes, they are affected and definitely experience the collateral damage. But, ultimately it is my diagnosis and I carry it. When I tell close friends and family about what is going on, I deliver it in a rather nonchalant, matter of fact way to them. Not like I do here where I can express things in the way they are flying around in my head. I think that's my way of protecting them.
I just found out yesterday that my ex-husbands wife was dx with breast cancer last week and is having surgery on the 23rd and will be spending Christmas in the hospital this year. I think about that and really feel for her. Christmas time now will always bring up cancer for her no matter how good her prognosis is. Thankfully they caught it early. My ex and his wife has been so supportive and helpful since my dx and now I feel I might be able to return the favor in a small way by being supportive of them.
Yes, cancer is lonely. Part of my loneliness comes from my attempts to spare others the grizly details. I'm not overwhelmingly lonely but, there are moments when it catches me and I get to sit with it for a bit. That's one of the reasons I am so grateful for my semi-colon family. I'm sure I'd be much more lonely without you. Feel the love!0 -
Don't feel that any post is just for the patienttina dasilva said:for sure
as you all know i'm a caregaver to my husband who has stage 4 i love him so much i would die to keep him alive . the last month or so ive been feeling very lonely i been taking care of everyone in my home even more so after we found out about the cancer with no help from family they try to tell me what to do you get Jorge better but no one has tried to help so you ask do you ever get lonely yes .i think being a caregiver is just as hard to deal with as having the c .as of right now i'm caring for my husband my 3kids 2 grandkids and 2 awesome foster boys who so needs my love and to top it all offf a 7 bedroom house to clean what the hell was my husband thinking when he want to buy this big house .i lie in bed and i ask why me what did i do wrong .so for going on like this i think the post was for someone with cancer but i just need to said it hugs to all Tina
Dear Tina,
On this board everything is for everybody, be they patient, caregiver or just a friend.
I sometimes think the caregiver has the worst part of this. The only part of this disease you don't deal with directly is the physical problems. Everything else is on your plate too just from a different viewpoint, and you have the added stress of wanting your loved one better but can't fix it.
Be assured YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Cancer IS NOT a punishment we bring on ourselves or others.
Even without having to deal with your husband's cancer, you have your hands full with that crew! Be sure to take some time for yourself, you deserve it.
Hugs,
Marie who loves kitties0 -
Tinatina dasilva said:for sure
as you all know i'm a caregaver to my husband who has stage 4 i love him so much i would die to keep him alive . the last month or so ive been feeling very lonely i been taking care of everyone in my home even more so after we found out about the cancer with no help from family they try to tell me what to do you get Jorge better but no one has tried to help so you ask do you ever get lonely yes .i think being a caregiver is just as hard to deal with as having the c .as of right now i'm caring for my husband my 3kids 2 grandkids and 2 awesome foster boys who so needs my love and to top it all offf a 7 bedroom house to clean what the hell was my husband thinking when he want to buy this big house .i lie in bed and i ask why me what did i do wrong .so for going on like this i think the post was for someone with cancer but i just need to said it hugs to all Tina
By all means post away. I have been a caregiver for my youngest son for almost 24 years so I understand the loneliness of a caregiver. We all have our prespectives and yours is just as valid as the cancer patient's prespective. HUGS to you!0 -
Yes, definately.....
When people say "I know what you are going thru", I just smile, and say thank you...unless you have heard those three words, it's just not real. And, now that I look 'normal' and 'healthy' and 'better than ever' people tend to forget the scars I have. Including the sensitivity to milk and other stuff. They serve me their fancy ice cream desserts, and I smile, and take a few small spoonfuls, not saying a word, but so lonely inside. It bothers me enough that when they have the balls to ask why I'm not eating my dessert, I tell them flat out..."Remember, I've told you that from the treatments, I'm lactose intollerant?". But if they don't ask, I just leave it alone. Or, giving up, I just say "Oh, I'm so full".
The danger when I started looking 'normal' (you should see me without clothes...well, no, you should NOT...lol!) was that people expected me to be my 'old' normal. My summation is we cancer warriors are the 'walking wounded'. Like Ron said, I don't want sympathy, I just was tollerance...sigh...
Hugs, Kathi0 -
Guilty
It took me awhile to decide to answer this question or not. I think I am lonely as in even though I am surrounded by family and friends that love me, this is ultimately my diagnosis and as much love and support revolve around me, no one can step into my cancer. There is a part of my personality that it has changed. First I want to tell you that I was nominated Nurse of the Year for Compassion at my Hospital. Not once, but three times! Made me cry at finding out my peers saw something special in the way I thought I was just doing my job. Now,I am still the same person, but.... Tolerance? Acceptance? What I will and will not put up with. That HAS changed! Are you wondering what this has to do with being lonely and why I am ranting about it?....I did something last week that I am not proud of, but I just felt I could not put up with it or go on with it any longer. I broke up with my boyfriend the week before Christmas. He was not taking care of my emotional needs, and yes it was making me feel lonely and isolated. I told him, asked him, showed him what I needed and it was only the basic's, the fundamental's of a relationship. Love, support, and acknowledgement. I tried to explain to him how the written words "Hope you're feeling better today" and asking someone "How are you feeling today" are so different to me (he didn't even know I was having a good day). He called me negative. There is much more, but basically revolves around the same idea. I feel guilty and mean and selfish for doing this at the Holiday's. It was just such a conflict of my emotions to have to ask someone for something I felt they should be wanting to give on their own.
Sorry about the vent session, Gail0 -
Please ventplh4gail said:Guilty
It took me awhile to decide to answer this question or not. I think I am lonely as in even though I am surrounded by family and friends that love me, this is ultimately my diagnosis and as much love and support revolve around me, no one can step into my cancer. There is a part of my personality that it has changed. First I want to tell you that I was nominated Nurse of the Year for Compassion at my Hospital. Not once, but three times! Made me cry at finding out my peers saw something special in the way I thought I was just doing my job. Now,I am still the same person, but.... Tolerance? Acceptance? What I will and will not put up with. That HAS changed! Are you wondering what this has to do with being lonely and why I am ranting about it?....I did something last week that I am not proud of, but I just felt I could not put up with it or go on with it any longer. I broke up with my boyfriend the week before Christmas. He was not taking care of my emotional needs, and yes it was making me feel lonely and isolated. I told him, asked him, showed him what I needed and it was only the basic's, the fundamental's of a relationship. Love, support, and acknowledgement. I tried to explain to him how the written words "Hope you're feeling better today" and asking someone "How are you feeling today" are so different to me (he didn't even know I was having a good day). He called me negative. There is much more, but basically revolves around the same idea. I feel guilty and mean and selfish for doing this at the Holiday's. It was just such a conflict of my emotions to have to ask someone for something I felt they should be wanting to give on their own.
Sorry about the vent session, Gail
Go ahead and vent Gail Thats what I think ive been doing and it feels right to get it out. If we don't have a therapist to dump this stuff on leave it here !!!!
You are loved!!0 -
Hi Gailplh4gail said:Guilty
It took me awhile to decide to answer this question or not. I think I am lonely as in even though I am surrounded by family and friends that love me, this is ultimately my diagnosis and as much love and support revolve around me, no one can step into my cancer. There is a part of my personality that it has changed. First I want to tell you that I was nominated Nurse of the Year for Compassion at my Hospital. Not once, but three times! Made me cry at finding out my peers saw something special in the way I thought I was just doing my job. Now,I am still the same person, but.... Tolerance? Acceptance? What I will and will not put up with. That HAS changed! Are you wondering what this has to do with being lonely and why I am ranting about it?....I did something last week that I am not proud of, but I just felt I could not put up with it or go on with it any longer. I broke up with my boyfriend the week before Christmas. He was not taking care of my emotional needs, and yes it was making me feel lonely and isolated. I told him, asked him, showed him what I needed and it was only the basic's, the fundamental's of a relationship. Love, support, and acknowledgement. I tried to explain to him how the written words "Hope you're feeling better today" and asking someone "How are you feeling today" are so different to me (he didn't even know I was having a good day). He called me negative. There is much more, but basically revolves around the same idea. I feel guilty and mean and selfish for doing this at the Holiday's. It was just such a conflict of my emotions to have to ask someone for something I felt they should be wanting to give on their own.
Sorry about the vent session, Gail
Looking after yourself is not mean and selfish. Using people is mean and selfish and you sure don't come across as a user. I know what you feel like. When it didn't look like I was going to make it ,the comment I most heard was'you can't die,who will fix our machines?' Well I am tired of being used as are you. My wife just turned to me one day and said'I have no life with you,you are always sick,I want you to leave.' So I did . It nearly killed me because I still love her. In one way she is rightI am sick and getting sicker so I have become self contained. Every day I battle through work and every now and then I try and get away fishing to heal my soul a little,,A good day is when nothing really bad happens...((((((gail))))) Ron.0 -
Gone fishin!!!ron50 said:Hi Gail
Looking after yourself is not mean and selfish. Using people is mean and selfish and you sure don't come across as a user. I know what you feel like. When it didn't look like I was going to make it ,the comment I most heard was'you can't die,who will fix our machines?' Well I am tired of being used as are you. My wife just turned to me one day and said'I have no life with you,you are always sick,I want you to leave.' So I did . It nearly killed me because I still love her. In one way she is rightI am sick and getting sicker so I have become self contained. Every day I battle through work and every now and then I try and get away fishing to heal my soul a little,,A good day is when nothing really bad happens...((((((gail))))) Ron.
Hey Ron where do you live I want to go fishing with you! No one going through what you are should be alone dude!!!0 -
getting out helps
I try and get out of the house three times a day. I walk the dogs around the neighborhood no matter how bad I feel. It gets me out of the house, and it gets them a chance at exercise. Although they run around the house and yard all day. (We have a Peke-a-mut Pekignese mut, and a Behuahua - Beagle Chihuahua mix.) I also go to the grocery store most days. I can pick out the freshest veggies, and have a little outside human contact.
I have family and many friend's support, but getting out helps the depression.
Best Always! mike0
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