All-inclusive resort again, but it sure ain't Mexico... UPDATED

Sundanceh said:

K-n-M
I hear the anguish in your post, Kathryn. Many times I've heard the Cancer won't kill you, but the treatments will.

As for being beaten down, I understand...I'm in the cellar with you as I've done 25 of 30 radiation treatments and they have flat out caught up to me...your body hurts so badly and your mind wanders off to that dark place. You begin to think "I've just about had enough." I go back on Folfiri after we wrap up rads/5fu chemo, so there's just a few days break and then 10 more of those treatments.

I'll save my thoughts on this matter for another time - but you can believe that after 6 years and more of this, "Tired" is what I do understand, and all too well.

Treatments are only as good as the body will allow - and as we continuously pound on it over the years, it does add up and take a toll.

It would be all to easy to say "Stay strong" or "Hang in there" - those are easy catchphrases and sound so nice, unless you're down in the mud with treatments and such.

I can personally tell you that on my "3rd Tour of Duty", that I find it is getting harder and harder to do these surgeries and treatments, even with what I've learned the hard way. Mentally and physically, it is very challenging and so many times....well, the days are long and dark...and we must walk alone at a certain point, just past the line in the sand.

Your statement that you were "scared" really hit me - my hair was starting to go after 2 shots of Folfiri, but then slowed down - we resume in December and I figure it won't last long...don't know I feel, but I do have a plan in place to cope with it - that post will be coming in early 2011.

I appreciate your honesty in this post - we really need to keep it real around here. Your freedom to express your feelings today, has also allowed me the permssion to mention a couple of things on my mind - I've been quiet and keeping them to myself, and as the days have rolled into weeks, and the weeks into months, it's all been eating at my insides. I've wanted to post, but just haven't.

I want to thank you for helping me some today - I want only the best for you and it does pain my heart to see you hurtin' so much. As long as I can though, I will stand here with you and we can wallow in it for awhile - and then we'll help each other up and get on with, I suppose.

My thoughts are with you today!
-Craig

Long battle
Craig - you have have been on the rollercoaster much longer than I have. If I'm going this crazy right now, I'll be a basket case by the time I've gone through 6 years. I only hope I can have half the strength you've shown.

I am glad to hear that you are down to only 5 radiation treatments. I know I say "only" but for you it is probably more of "I can't believe I stll have to do 5 more." 5/6 down and only 1/6 to go - the end of radiation is in sight. It sucks that you have to endure 10 cycles of FOLFIRI after that. The one thing I'd say is speak up and ask for an extra week off here and there if you need it on FOLFIRI. The studies pretty much show no adverse affect when you have just a couple cycles extended a week. And when you are getting so beaten down, it can make the diference in getting through it, or just saying I've had enough - I won't do anymore.

I'm sending you big hugs and a shot of energy (I don't have a lot to spare right now, but I want to share with you, as you need it even more than I do right now). I don't know how much energy you can send over great distances, but when I meditate before I go to sleep in a few minutes, I will be sending you all the energy I can. I hope you are sleeping and will receive it in the form of a big warm hug, and wave of calmness to help you rest well and dream well.