Well the grief tidal wave arrived...

bingles
bingles Member Posts: 120 Member
edited March 2014 in Grief and Bereavement #1
Sadly is time for me to switch gears...this thing has me in is cross hairs and unless I face off with it I will never be whole again.
The past couple of weeks have been rough...thinking the new car was the beginning of it all..but anyway...my emotions have been all over the map and my choices and decisions less than stellar...I thought that the new car would open a path for me..when in fact what it did was take the top off the pressure cooker...a real pandora's box !
This past week-end I resigned from my job...the memories associated with working in the medical field were for me unbearable after a time..that and the facility I chose to work in is one that fosters fear in their employees as a way to control them...the stress was more than I could take.
I had given two weeks notice...but now today I had a major meltdown...became totally non-functional...the grief and memories were smothering me.....the one thing I knew clearly is that I had no right to be caring for patients in my current state...I was unsafe...I knew I could not go back there today or at least until I get myself sorted out and after a few phone calls...my employment is done...least for now..and for sure not there.
I am done trying to handle this alone....I thought I was functioning well...I was not..my inner compass was way off....I need to find me !
I called my primary in hysteric's today....I need help...to tomorrow I go to see her and she will do some referrals and start some meds....this is so not what I wanted...but truth is that without something radical happening I will never again be whole...my berevement group has been helpful but now its time for the big guns...one on one with meds...
I see folks on here talking about dating and stuff and makes me wonder if I will ever again have a day when thoughts of Bill don't start my day..I just don't know how people move on so fast...but maybe with therapy and medications I will find my way out of this.
Coming here for me has been both a gift and a curse...I get some real good tips on handling things but on the other hand I read some of how good some are doing and it makes me feel like I am stuck in neutral...
Well wish me luck tomorrow...right now I am scared to death!
Pat
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Comments

  • Beckymarie
    Beckymarie Member Posts: 357
    #2
    Pat...First my heart truly
    Pat...First my heart truly goes out to you. Losing my husband to brain cancer was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. There are some days that are okay and then there are days that I cannot seem to stop crying or seem to function. I was on meds but weaned off about a month ago. There is nothing wrong with using medications to help you through this process. Taking a break from work is okay too. Use that time to focus on yourself. As hard as it is to believe this now, things will get better.

    Good luck at your appointment. Hope it helps you. Hang in there.
  • lilli1020
    lilli1020 Member Posts: 114
    #3
    Beckymarie said:

    Pat...First my heart truly
    Pat...First my heart truly goes out to you. Losing my husband to brain cancer was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. There are some days that are okay and then there are days that I cannot seem to stop crying or seem to function. I was on meds but weaned off about a month ago. There is nothing wrong with using medications to help you through this process. Taking a break from work is okay too. Use that time to focus on yourself. As hard as it is to believe this now, things will get better.

    Good luck at your appointment. Hope it helps you. Hang in there.

    Just wondering...
    Beckymarie....I am curious, and confused. Why did they wean you off your meds? WEre they helping? And also, how long has it been since you lost your loved one? I don't mean to be nosy and by all means if this is too personal, please say so. I think my meds are getting me through and wonder if my Dr. will try to get me off them sooner than I am ready, so that is why all the questions. Thank you and blessings to you.

    Gayle
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #4
    Getting Help
    I am so sorry you are struggling. I think knowing you need help is a sure sign of progress. I have been told that the time after the first few months are the more difficult ones. I have even put off doing any volunteer work other than church stuff so far and I am coming up to the year date. I am planning on starting doing some new things after the first of the year. You tried getting back to work. That is good. If you hadn't tried it, you wouldn't know that it is not right for you right now. Hey, this is all new territory for us. We have to keep feeling our way forward. We already know that it isn't easy. I think sometimes we are just too hard on ourselves. I hope things go well with your dr. Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you. Fay
  • Beckymarie
    Beckymarie Member Posts: 357
    #5
    lilli1020 said:

    Just wondering...
    Beckymarie....I am curious, and confused. Why did they wean you off your meds? WEre they helping? And also, how long has it been since you lost your loved one? I don't mean to be nosy and by all means if this is too personal, please say so. I think my meds are getting me through and wonder if my Dr. will try to get me off them sooner than I am ready, so that is why all the questions. Thank you and blessings to you.

    Gayle

    Medication
    I weaned myself off zoloft. I have never been a medication person. I was prescribed the zoloft when my husband was first diagnosed in March 2009 due to high anxiety, rapid weight loss and other stress-related symptoms. I did not like the zoloft (also tried several other anti-depressants), and felt being on the meds for 16 months was long enough. I did discuss this with my PCP who basically left the decision up to me. Terry died Jun 14 of this year and I do have some very very difficult days. I try to address my grief and lonliness by working and staying busy. I have also started a running program (at the age of 57...crazy) but seems to be helping a little with my sleeping. I think medication is what works for each individual and if they are helping you, you should stay with them.
  • 3Mana
    3Mana Member Posts: 811
    #6
    Good luck
    Pat,
    I understand exactly how you're feeling. I too hated to go on drugs, but I felt like I was losing it and was so hysterical one day that I felt life wasn't good anymore. Drove myself to the doctors office & walked in crying. That was the first step. He gave me an anxiety pill right away. Then I decided to see a counselor and she gave me an anti-depressant which I am still taking. My husband passed away in March, but still have bad days. It was 6 months on friday and for some reason, it seems like I'm depressed again. So don't feel bad about going on something. My counselor said it won't be addicting and when they take you off they do it slowly so your body adjusts. Let us know how you do once your on them awhile. It does take a few weeks till you'll notice, so just hang in there! "Carole"
  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120 Member
    #7
    3Mana said:

    Good luck
    Pat,
    I understand exactly how you're feeling. I too hated to go on drugs, but I felt like I was losing it and was so hysterical one day that I felt life wasn't good anymore. Drove myself to the doctors office & walked in crying. That was the first step. He gave me an anxiety pill right away. Then I decided to see a counselor and she gave me an anti-depressant which I am still taking. My husband passed away in March, but still have bad days. It was 6 months on friday and for some reason, it seems like I'm depressed again. So don't feel bad about going on something. My counselor said it won't be addicting and when they take you off they do it slowly so your body adjusts. Let us know how you do once your on them awhile. It does take a few weeks till you'll notice, so just hang in there! "Carole"

    Thanks all
    Leaving in a few for appointment and I am scared to death....this is not what II had envisioned my life to be....I thought I was way stronger.
    Well off I go....with my heart in my hands.
    Pat
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #8
    bingles said:

    Thanks all
    Leaving in a few for appointment and I am scared to death....this is not what II had envisioned my life to be....I thought I was way stronger.
    Well off I go....with my heart in my hands.
    Pat

    Nope
    We're holding your heart right here with us, Pat.

    Let us know how it goes - we're all waiting to hear!

    Hugs, hugs, hugs.
  • Beckymarie
    Beckymarie Member Posts: 357
    #9
    bingles said:

    Thanks all
    Leaving in a few for appointment and I am scared to death....this is not what II had envisioned my life to be....I thought I was way stronger.
    Well off I go....with my heart in my hands.
    Pat

    Before my husband passed, a
    Before my husband passed, a young man (18yrs) old died of the same type of brain tumor. His mother told me a few days ago she thought she had post traumatic stress disorder from dealing with how her son passed away and what she watched him go through. You have been through...we have all been through a very stressful, painful time. You are doing the right thing for yourself. You will get through this. My thoughts are with you. Hold on.
    Becky
  • ktlcs
    ktlcs Member Posts: 358
    #10
    Beckymarie said:

    Before my husband passed, a
    Before my husband passed, a young man (18yrs) old died of the same type of brain tumor. His mother told me a few days ago she thought she had post traumatic stress disorder from dealing with how her son passed away and what she watched him go through. You have been through...we have all been through a very stressful, painful time. You are doing the right thing for yourself. You will get through this. My thoughts are with you. Hold on.
    Becky

    The car
    Oddly enough that set me off an a bad stretch as well. I bought a new car less than 2 months after my husband died (in July) and it is only now that I am not feeling bad about it. But I too found the need to seek medical help and meds. I think the meds are making a difference, I don't become as hysterical as often, but just trying to take it one day at a time. Having been my husbands sole caretaker for 9 years (from a previous serious illnes) and then to have him dx with cancer and pass away in less than 9 mos. Coupled with the actual circumstances of his passing, my Dr suggested I might have some PTSD as well. I don't know, what I do know is it is NOT anything I have ever experienced before. We will all get through this, and need to do whatever works to do so, for some it's meds, for some not, for some it's quitting a job..doesn't really matter just do what is right for you

    Stay strong

    Kathy
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #11
    bingles said:

    Thanks all
    Leaving in a few for appointment and I am scared to death....this is not what II had envisioned my life to be....I thought I was way stronger.
    Well off I go....with my heart in my hands.
    Pat

    Hang in There!
    Hello my dear friend Pat
    Sorry to hear you are having some real real tuff days lately! You are doing all of the right things for yourself. Leaving your job for right now is the right decision. Going to the dr. for some help and medications is the right decision. You have made the first move...you know and admitted you need help. God bless you and give you the peace you need at this difficult time. Please keep in touch. We are all thinking of you. Hugs.
    Tina in Va
  • Pennymac02
    Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member
    #12
    ktlcs said:

    The car
    Oddly enough that set me off an a bad stretch as well. I bought a new car less than 2 months after my husband died (in July) and it is only now that I am not feeling bad about it. But I too found the need to seek medical help and meds. I think the meds are making a difference, I don't become as hysterical as often, but just trying to take it one day at a time. Having been my husbands sole caretaker for 9 years (from a previous serious illnes) and then to have him dx with cancer and pass away in less than 9 mos. Coupled with the actual circumstances of his passing, my Dr suggested I might have some PTSD as well. I don't know, what I do know is it is NOT anything I have ever experienced before. We will all get through this, and need to do whatever works to do so, for some it's meds, for some not, for some it's quitting a job..doesn't really matter just do what is right for you

    Stay strong

    Kathy

    Meds
    I am so grateful my PCP recommended some meds for me. My mom died from breast cancer three days before last Christmas, my nephew passed unexpectedly (he was only 31) on Fathers Day, and my husband was diagnosed with inoperable liver cancer on July 30. It's been one heck of a year. I had gotten to the point of feeling this heavy darkness all of the time when my therapist encouraged me to see my PCP. Believe it or not, I actually work for a mental health hospital, and I still was reluctant to try the meds. I'm on a low dose of cytalopram, which worked fairly quickly (about a week) and has almost no side effects. It makes me a little sleepy so I take it at night. For me its about recognizing that the severe stress I've been under has caused a very real chemical imbalance. The medicine is definately not a "happy pill"; I just am able to function better when I don't feel so profoundly sad and overwhelmed all of the time. Every one is different, but I thought I'd share my experiance with the medication because it's been very positive.
  • Hatshepsut
    Hatshepsut Member Posts: 336 Member
    #13
    Coping Strategies

    Hi Pat:

    I hope this note finds you better today and that your doctor's visit went well.

    Keep us posted. I relate to your experience. I'm one of those who, like you, is moving forward at a glacial pace.

    If you find some great new coping strategies, I hope you will post what works for you.

    Hatshepsut
  • closs86
    closs86 Member Posts: 85
    #14
    Hatshepsut said:

    Coping Strategies

    Hi Pat:

    I hope this note finds you better today and that your doctor's visit went well.

    Keep us posted. I relate to your experience. I'm one of those who, like you, is moving forward at a glacial pace.

    If you find some great new coping strategies, I hope you will post what works for you.

    Hatshepsut

    Hi Pat,
    Hi Pat,
    I am so sorry to hear that you are having a problem, I also am on medication, and know that i wouldn't have made it to this point without it, I also tried the bereavement groups in the beginning, but they really didn't help, maybe made it worse for me. So I have a grief therapist that I see once a week, and I have to say she seems to be helpful.
    The roller coaster ride Pat, that is what it is, and certain things trigger that deep depression again, It will be 6 months October 6, sometimes i still can't believe it,.
    I caught a bad cold this week, have been home 2 days, and that was my trigger, no one to get you a cup of tea, no one to talk to day and night (phone calls just don;t cut it), no one to worry about you, no one to rub your back to make you feel better, i hate it, this is also one of the firsts to deal with, horrible,
    The meds take a few weeks to work, so don't expect anything overnight, but they will help you, who cares how long we take them, what is the difference, as long as you feel like you can breathe.
    Take care Pat,
    Hugs Karen
  • Caregiver1963
    Caregiver1963 Member Posts: 46
    #15
    closs86 said:

    Hi Pat,
    Hi Pat,
    I am so sorry to hear that you are having a problem, I also am on medication, and know that i wouldn't have made it to this point without it, I also tried the bereavement groups in the beginning, but they really didn't help, maybe made it worse for me. So I have a grief therapist that I see once a week, and I have to say she seems to be helpful.
    The roller coaster ride Pat, that is what it is, and certain things trigger that deep depression again, It will be 6 months October 6, sometimes i still can't believe it,.
    I caught a bad cold this week, have been home 2 days, and that was my trigger, no one to get you a cup of tea, no one to talk to day and night (phone calls just don;t cut it), no one to worry about you, no one to rub your back to make you feel better, i hate it, this is also one of the firsts to deal with, horrible,
    The meds take a few weeks to work, so don't expect anything overnight, but they will help you, who cares how long we take them, what is the difference, as long as you feel like you can breathe.
    Take care Pat,
    Hugs Karen

    Thinking of you Pat
    and hope the visit to your Dr was helpful. Please let us know how you are doing
    Mary
  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120 Member
    #16
    Caregiver1963 said:

    Thinking of you Pat
    and hope the visit to your Dr was helpful. Please let us know how you are doing
    Mary

    less than stellar..
    My appointment with my pcp was less than stellar and had I known what tack she was going to take I would not have gone....there were other routes for me to get the help I needed and thanks to her still need....I wrongly choose her.
    Ok..I did get the script and have started taking meds....but so far as anything else goes nothing was accomplished.
    I am admittedly a lousy patient and notorius for not doing the maintainence health stuff....but truth be told all of that was on my to do list once I got my ducks in order....but she choose to use the appointment as a forum to blast me and actually threaten me..that if I didn't comply with her plan of care she would not prescribe any further meds.
    I just think that she might have held off on the lecture until I was a bit more emotionally stable.
    Oh and she did efer me to a therapist...warning me that this person was rough...harsh....and no nonsense !!! what the point of that was I will never know....thinking long and hard about whether or not to make a appointment...doubting I will have much tolerance for a "dictator"....I have zero tolerance for anybody at the moment....especially one that I am paying for..but we will see.
    So I am in holding pattern...taking the meds and being kind to myself..keeping a very low profile this week-end....sorting out my brain.
    I do feel better today though...some sense of calm and I know its not the meds yet....its me...
    Onward and upward....oh and Mary....love...love....love the bear ; )
    Pat
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #17
    bingles said:

    less than stellar..
    My appointment with my pcp was less than stellar and had I known what tack she was going to take I would not have gone....there were other routes for me to get the help I needed and thanks to her still need....I wrongly choose her.
    Ok..I did get the script and have started taking meds....but so far as anything else goes nothing was accomplished.
    I am admittedly a lousy patient and notorius for not doing the maintainence health stuff....but truth be told all of that was on my to do list once I got my ducks in order....but she choose to use the appointment as a forum to blast me and actually threaten me..that if I didn't comply with her plan of care she would not prescribe any further meds.
    I just think that she might have held off on the lecture until I was a bit more emotionally stable.
    Oh and she did efer me to a therapist...warning me that this person was rough...harsh....and no nonsense !!! what the point of that was I will never know....thinking long and hard about whether or not to make a appointment...doubting I will have much tolerance for a "dictator"....I have zero tolerance for anybody at the moment....especially one that I am paying for..but we will see.
    So I am in holding pattern...taking the meds and being kind to myself..keeping a very low profile this week-end....sorting out my brain.
    I do feel better today though...some sense of calm and I know its not the meds yet....its me...
    Onward and upward....oh and Mary....love...love....love the bear ; )
    Pat

    A Little Better
    I am glad you are feeling a little better and sorry about the dr. appointment. Sometimes I wonder what they teach them in med school about compassion or maybe it is what they don't teach them. Lectures were not what you needed. Be good to yourself and take care. Fay
  • closs86
    closs86 Member Posts: 85
    #18
    grandmafay said:

    A Little Better
    I am glad you are feeling a little better and sorry about the dr. appointment. Sometimes I wonder what they teach them in med school about compassion or maybe it is what they don't teach them. Lectures were not what you needed. Be good to yourself and take care. Fay

    Hi Pat,
    Happy to hear you are feeling a little better today, Oh boy I don't care for your doctor and I don't even know her, ;you need a compassionate doctor right now, and if she said the therapist is tough, what does that mean, you don't need tough, I definately would find another therapist, don't even bother, that is not what you need, I am sorry that your doctor is a jerk, not what you needed now. Glad you started your meds, they will definately help, just take a little time.
    Take care
    Hugs Karen
  • 3Mana
    3Mana Member Posts: 811
    #19
    bingles said:

    less than stellar..
    My appointment with my pcp was less than stellar and had I known what tack she was going to take I would not have gone....there were other routes for me to get the help I needed and thanks to her still need....I wrongly choose her.
    Ok..I did get the script and have started taking meds....but so far as anything else goes nothing was accomplished.
    I am admittedly a lousy patient and notorius for not doing the maintainence health stuff....but truth be told all of that was on my to do list once I got my ducks in order....but she choose to use the appointment as a forum to blast me and actually threaten me..that if I didn't comply with her plan of care she would not prescribe any further meds.
    I just think that she might have held off on the lecture until I was a bit more emotionally stable.
    Oh and she did efer me to a therapist...warning me that this person was rough...harsh....and no nonsense !!! what the point of that was I will never know....thinking long and hard about whether or not to make a appointment...doubting I will have much tolerance for a "dictator"....I have zero tolerance for anybody at the moment....especially one that I am paying for..but we will see.
    So I am in holding pattern...taking the meds and being kind to myself..keeping a very low profile this week-end....sorting out my brain.
    I do feel better today though...some sense of calm and I know its not the meds yet....its me...
    Onward and upward....oh and Mary....love...love....love the bear ; )
    Pat

    Too bad
    Pat,
    So sorry you had bad luck seeing the counselor. From the sounds of it she shouldn't even be there as a conselor if she's so critical. The one I have is great and it's through the Frodert Cancer Center in Wauwatosa, Wi. and I don't have to pay anything. It does take awhile for the meds to work so don't get discouraged okay?
    It was also 6 months ago that I lost my husband. I miss him so much and lately I feel more sad. Maybe it's cause the weather is changing. It's nippy out tonite and there's no one to snuggle with. Hope I make it through winter.
    Don't give up, things will get better though we'll never forget. "Carole"
  • Pennymac02
    Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member
    #20
    grandmafay said:

    A Little Better
    I am glad you are feeling a little better and sorry about the dr. appointment. Sometimes I wonder what they teach them in med school about compassion or maybe it is what they don't teach them. Lectures were not what you needed. Be good to yourself and take care. Fay

    Ex
    As an ex wife of an MD who went through medical scholl while we were married, I'm sorry to report that they don't teach anything about compassion in medical school. If you get out of med school with a compassionate nature, they keep you so exhausted during your internship that you're pretty much guaranteed to loose it. Only the rare individuals who are practicing due to a true desire to help people manage to stay empathetic.

    I actually had a marketing appointment last week with a doctor that told me "I get so frustrated when I have an appointment with a patient for medical reasons, and they come in to tell me that they're ONLY depressed". I was pretty shocked that this MD had the nerve to say that out loud.

    Your doctor is your employee, Pat. If you don't like the way he or she practices, fire them and hire someone else. And find a counselor that specializes in grief issues, not one that's a drill sargent. Just my two cents.
    Penny
  • Beckymarie
    Beckymarie Member Posts: 357
    #21
    3Mana said:

    Too bad
    Pat,
    So sorry you had bad luck seeing the counselor. From the sounds of it she shouldn't even be there as a conselor if she's so critical. The one I have is great and it's through the Frodert Cancer Center in Wauwatosa, Wi. and I don't have to pay anything. It does take awhile for the meds to work so don't get discouraged okay?
    It was also 6 months ago that I lost my husband. I miss him so much and lately I feel more sad. Maybe it's cause the weather is changing. It's nippy out tonite and there's no one to snuggle with. Hope I make it through winter.
    Don't give up, things will get better though we'll never forget. "Carole"

    Changing season
    Related to your comment about the change of season. As I drive around town and see the beautiful foliage, I think of my Terry and how much I miss him. We loved the fall.

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