One month today

Jan Trinks
Jan Trinks Member Posts: 477
edited March 2014 in Head and Neck Cancer #1
Hi all:

Basketcase checking in! I'm home from the beach with my best friend. We had a great time and the weather was terrific. We got back this afternoon. It's been one month today since Charlie passed away. It is so hard being without him. All these well wishers telling me, "You'll get through this!" I know they mean well and are so sincere. I know I'll get through it (as I said before I don't really have a choice) and I don't sit around moping, crying and depressed all the time. It's just that I loved him so much and I need him and I miss him so badly. I used to tell him all the time that I wished it were me instead of him and I really meant that because I think I could have dealt with it better. Maybe not. Believe it or not I'm usually not the basketcase when it comes to me! Of course, being the type of person he was he'd always say, "I don't wish it were you instead of me!" I think I am going to call his oncologist's office and find out about the psyco-therapist that he told me comes to his office and works with patients and their families. He told me this after I told he was my life for 35 years and he said I know and then told me the above and if I felt like this was something that would help me, he wanted me to do this. So I will probably check that out in the next couple of weeks. I'm planning on going to see his parents for a few days Oct. 2 as I need to make that first trip in without him and get that past me. I have learned to crochet and am in the process of crocheting a blanket throw to donate to the oncologist's office for the chemo patients in Charlie's memory/honor as it gets so cold in that place! Of course, it is Carolina blue as Charlie was an avid Tarheel fan! I met a lady at Hilton Head that turns out to be from Decatur (I live in Lawrenceville, GA) and she lost her husband two years ago to lung cancer mets to brain and she told me it doesn't get any easier. Now, she keeps busy and doesn't mope around or anything and I understood what she was saying. It doesn't get any easier, but you do learn to put one foot in front of the other and go on as I know that's what he would want me to do, but it sure doesn't make missing him any easier to bear. But now he is cancer free and in a better place and even if he could he wouldn't come back and I know the Lord is with me in this and will see me through this.

Sorry to be so long winded tonight but I know y'all understand. Another good/close friend of mine is coming down Friday for the weekend and we're going to a craft show and just enjoy being together. She lost her husband almost 6 years ago. I'm so grateful for this network. I'll hush now and go watch a little TV before going off to bed. Till next post and God Bless and remember, "Don't ever give up!"

Jan Trinks

Comments

  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522
    #2
    So Sorry
    Jan,
    I read you post and I understand the pain you feel. My husband of 36 years has Llarynx cancer Squan=mous t4n1mo mets to both lungs. My fear is the one you are facing now. The what ifs and how will I go on. I don't have words of wisdom to offer you I wish I did. I try to think positive in all this. I see so much saddiness it is hard to wrap my mind around all that is happening and may happen.
    I wish I was there to say it will be alright , but I know this is something I can not say or do for you. I wish I could.
    I crochet too and I am trying to make prayer shaws as they call them. I have a friend who is making hats for me to take too. Each time we go I wonder what can I do to help .
    I wish I could just say something that would brighten your day.
    I am so sorry for all who have walked this road. and the ones walking it now.
    Jennie
  • Pumakitty
    Pumakitty Member Posts: 652
    #3
    Thinking about you
    Jan,

    I have been thinking about you. I am glad that you are having fun and spending time with friends. I think going on with your lives and trying to find some enjoyment in life is what our love ones would have wanted.

    I do not think you are a baksetcase, I feel like I need that nickname only basketcase daughter. For the first time in my life my father told me I was getting on his nervous asking him if he was okay.

    Please continue to enjoy your friends and find things to look forward too. I don't think Charlie would approve of any moping and crying :)

    Kathy
  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
    #4
    Hi Jan

    Anytime you need be as long winded as needed we are all here for you.

    Hondo
  • RushFan
    RushFan Member Posts: 224
    #5
    Inspirational
    Dear Jan,
    A wonderful post. Thank you and all the best during this difficult time...

    Chuck.
  • sweetblood22
    sweetblood22 Member Posts: 3,228
    #6
    Pumakitty said:

    Thinking about you
    Jan,

    I have been thinking about you. I am glad that you are having fun and spending time with friends. I think going on with your lives and trying to find some enjoyment in life is what our love ones would have wanted.

    I do not think you are a baksetcase, I feel like I need that nickname only basketcase daughter. For the first time in my life my father told me I was getting on his nervous asking him if he was okay.

    Please continue to enjoy your friends and find things to look forward too. I don't think Charlie would approve of any moping and crying :)

    Kathy

    Dear Jan
    I'm sure this last month has not been easy for you. I envy the loving relationship that you and Charlie had. I am glad that you are thinking of seeing someone to talk to about your grief as this can be such a huge help. It is good that you have good friends around you. I hope that you will find comfort in the many wonderful memories of the good and fun times you had together. Funny, silly and crazy memories that are sure to make a smile play on your lips and know that when that smile and laughter happens, it's Charlie' s kiss.

    Hugs,
    Sweet
  • rozaroo
    rozaroo Member Posts: 665
    #7
    RushFan said:

    Inspirational
    Dear Jan,
    A wonderful post. Thank you and all the best during this difficult time...

    Chuck.

    Jan
    I had finished treatment & had alot of anxiety issues etc. Plus felt I could use some help in that department.At least to try to get my life back! My nutritionist who is my lifeline at the cancer centre suggested that I make an appointment with a phsycologist at the centre. I have been going for over two month's & the help that I have been recieving has helped me immensly. They have given me the tool's to help me get through this & even offered help to my caregiver hubby. He felt he did not need it. Also I had certain phobias
    that I am now working on to improve & boy what a difference. Plus it is great to talk to someone that understand's & see's the emotional after effect's of cancer & can help us cope. This service is such a help & so needed & has helped me so very much! Everyone has noticed a huge difference in me, so that is a huge plus!
  • Jan Trinks
    Jan Trinks Member Posts: 477
    #8
    sweetblood22 said:

    Dear Jan
    I'm sure this last month has not been easy for you. I envy the loving relationship that you and Charlie had. I am glad that you are thinking of seeing someone to talk to about your grief as this can be such a huge help. It is good that you have good friends around you. I hope that you will find comfort in the many wonderful memories of the good and fun times you had together. Funny, silly and crazy memories that are sure to make a smile play on your lips and know that when that smile and laughter happens, it's Charlie' s kiss.

    Hugs,
    Sweet

    Thanks
    Dear Sweet:

    That was such an uplifting and sweet post. Thanks so much for your thoughts and taking the time to respond. It means so much to me!

    Hugs back at ya!

    Jan
  • Jan Trinks
    Jan Trinks Member Posts: 477
    #9
    Hondo said:

    Hi Jan

    Anytime you need be as long winded as needed we are all here for you.

    Hondo

    Longwinded
    Hondo:

    Thanks so much. It is such a blessing to know that my csn "buds" are all so thoughtful and understanding!

    Thanks again.

    Jan
  • 3Mana
    3Mana Member Posts: 811
    #10
    Almost 6 months
    Hi Jan,
    I know exactly what you're going through. I lost my husband of 46 years on March 25th. It's hard to believe I've been without him for almost 6 months. He had lung cancer & died from a RARE side effect from Avastin. He was at home and it was very traumatic. The night it happened and the EMT"s were working on him in the living room, I think I went into shock. We had known each other since 1st grade and had gone together since we were 18. It's so hard to lose someone who means the world to you. From having everything one day, and losing it all the next was very traumatic . I did start seeing a counselor at the Cancer center. Had gone every 2 weeks, but now go once a month. I am on meds also. So really think seriously about going for counseling cause it really helps. For 3 months I didn't do anything and cried alot. But now I'm more active and it helps to keep busy. Not looking forward to being alone for the long winter though.
    Well guess I should stop talking. This is turning into a book, huh?
    Hope you're doing okay. Carole
  • delnative
    delnative Member Posts: 450
    #11
    3Mana said:

    Almost 6 months
    Hi Jan,
    I know exactly what you're going through. I lost my husband of 46 years on March 25th. It's hard to believe I've been without him for almost 6 months. He had lung cancer & died from a RARE side effect from Avastin. He was at home and it was very traumatic. The night it happened and the EMT"s were working on him in the living room, I think I went into shock. We had known each other since 1st grade and had gone together since we were 18. It's so hard to lose someone who means the world to you. From having everything one day, and losing it all the next was very traumatic . I did start seeing a counselor at the Cancer center. Had gone every 2 weeks, but now go once a month. I am on meds also. So really think seriously about going for counseling cause it really helps. For 3 months I didn't do anything and cried alot. But now I'm more active and it helps to keep busy. Not looking forward to being alone for the long winter though.
    Well guess I should stop talking. This is turning into a book, huh?
    Hope you're doing okay. Carole

    May God be with you, Jan
    There's no way any of us can understand what you're going through. We can say we understand, and you know we've all shared a common battle, but we can't understand. Your sense of loss, your memory of your loved one is so intensely personal that no one can ever understand.
    And yet you can be secure in the knowledge that we're here for you, we share in your loss and those of us who are people of faith will pray for you. Those who aren't feel very deeply for you nonetheless.
    You're in my prayers, for sure.

    --Jim in Delaware
  • Kimba1505
    Kimba1505 Member Posts: 557
    #12
    delnative said:

    May God be with you, Jan
    There's no way any of us can understand what you're going through. We can say we understand, and you know we've all shared a common battle, but we can't understand. Your sense of loss, your memory of your loved one is so intensely personal that no one can ever understand.
    And yet you can be secure in the knowledge that we're here for you, we share in your loss and those of us who are people of faith will pray for you. Those who aren't feel very deeply for you nonetheless.
    You're in my prayers, for sure.

    --Jim in Delaware

    Gentle thoughts...
    Jan,
    Gentle thoughts are sent your way as you move through this time alone, yet surrounded by good friends.
    As I support(ed) Mark through his cancer journey, I very much wanted it to be a "we" thing. I was by his side, anticipating every need he might have. I was at every treatment I could possibly be at...waiting for him to be rolled out of surgery, playing backgammon during chemo, waiting for him to walk out of radiation, where I was never permitted to go beyond a certain set of doors. At some point, I think after his treatment ended, I realized not matter how present I am through this time...he was alone. It was hand to hand cambat when it came right down to it.
    And while your friends and family surround you...I can only imagine, no one knows like you know. No one feels like you feel. And in that, you are alone. With each step forward you do show courage...to not allow cancer to take two people down.
    "Courage is fear that has said its prayers",
    Kim
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
    #13
    Thinking of you Jan
    You are a pillar of the our community, certainly a Basketcase of a higher order... ;)

    I'm glad that you are staying busy and meeting others. It's important to be active and be open to others that have went through similar. I'm sure that you have a lot to offer them, as they you.

    You are definitely blessed to have so many loving and caring friends. It's a tribute to you and Charlie, that you've both had a huge impact on others lives, and now they are there for you when you need them.

    Best Always,
    John
  • Greg53
    Greg53 Member Posts: 849
    #14
    Skiffin16 said:

    Thinking of you Jan
    You are a pillar of the our community, certainly a Basketcase of a higher order... ;)

    I'm glad that you are staying busy and meeting others. It's important to be active and be open to others that have went through similar. I'm sure that you have a lot to offer them, as they you.

    You are definitely blessed to have so many loving and caring friends. It's a tribute to you and Charlie, that you've both had a huge impact on others lives, and now they are there for you when you need them.

    Best Always,
    John

    Basketcase
    Jan,

    Good to hear you are keeping busy and have lots friends and relatives. It's always a treat for me to see your posts.

    Positive thoughts!

    Greg

    ps- I always loved your nickname

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