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  • survivorbc09
    survivorbc09 Member Posts: 4,374 Member
    GrandmaJ said:

    From one Judy to another...
    Your post is so true.... one of my friends called me a "hero"....I am not a hero, I am just trying to get through this. Chemo, lumpectomy and now half way through rads. And, as you said, we might look good on the outside, but the inside is full of fear, doubt and frustration. The only time I forget about all of this is when I spend time with my 2 year old granddaughter, who lives 200 miles away, so I don't see her as often as I need to.

    Judy

    I really think we are all
    I really think we are all heros Judy, for all that we have to go thru. It sure isn't easy. But, we have shown that we are all stronger than the beast and will defeat it.

    HUGS
  • Wolfi
    Wolfi Member Posts: 425
    The new normal
    Megan,

    I know how you feel. A lot of my co-workers don't know about my bc. All they know is that I was gone on medical leave and now I'm back - I didn't tell them why.

    One thing that I like to do is sit in meetings and think about how certain people would react if they knew all the stuff I'd gone through in the past ten months. Would they cry, get grossed out, run out of the room screaming, sit and stare at me with their mouth open? I also wonder how many people I meet on the street have had surgeries or other cancer treatments that people don't know about. With all the different types of cancer and other diseases there may be MANY people we see every day that have gone through similar things.

    Even though I don't let it bother me most of the time, I think about my bc every day because every day I wake up and get dressed. I am still developing the new me and I think I will be a work in progress for a while. There are days when I cry because I think about how things were before, but then I think about all the wonderful people (including all of you) that I've met only because of my bc. The doctors, nurses, radiation technicians, and other survivors would not have come into my life if I had never gotten cancer.

    Your friend will have to deal with the fact she will never get the old you back. She'll just have to get to know the new you and her life will be better for it.

    Take care.
    Wolfi
  • aztec45
    aztec45 Member Posts: 757
    Wolfi said:

    The new normal
    Megan,

    I know how you feel. A lot of my co-workers don't know about my bc. All they know is that I was gone on medical leave and now I'm back - I didn't tell them why.

    One thing that I like to do is sit in meetings and think about how certain people would react if they knew all the stuff I'd gone through in the past ten months. Would they cry, get grossed out, run out of the room screaming, sit and stare at me with their mouth open? I also wonder how many people I meet on the street have had surgeries or other cancer treatments that people don't know about. With all the different types of cancer and other diseases there may be MANY people we see every day that have gone through similar things.

    Even though I don't let it bother me most of the time, I think about my bc every day because every day I wake up and get dressed. I am still developing the new me and I think I will be a work in progress for a while. There are days when I cry because I think about how things were before, but then I think about all the wonderful people (including all of you) that I've met only because of my bc. The doctors, nurses, radiation technicians, and other survivors would not have come into my life if I had never gotten cancer.

    Your friend will have to deal with the fact she will never get the old you back. She'll just have to get to know the new you and her life will be better for it.

    Take care.
    Wolfi

    Wolfi
    Wolfi, don't cry. You can't go back and you sound like you are a really great person to know. We all accept you and love you here.

    P
  • LovingLife55
    LovingLife55 Member Posts: 2
    Had to Join In
    I just happened upon this from an email and when I read your notes, I knew I had to join in. I am now almost three years out from my original surgery date and I have not really ever talked about this part of the cancer journey with anyone other than my husband. My husband was an incredible caregiver during my treatment, but has brought up several times how I have changed since breast cancer.
    One day I finally was able to put into words for him what I was feeling and was so glad to see that many of you feel the same. It was something like this: I think all the time about insect bites, cuts, scrapes or the occasional friend that likes to smack your arm when they say hello. I am a horrible passenger in a car because I don't want the airbag to pop this foreign thing in my chest and the seatbelt, when I am driving, sometimes hurts. I still don't want to watch movies that have death and killing in them. I would love to use my hot tub again and fly without a sleeve on my arm reminding me that I am missing a breast. I don't want to think about that next mammogram. I would love to eat again without a thought in the back of my head that that food gave me cancer.
    I totally understand where you are coming. I don't walk around depressed or negative, but I am changed.
    I also wanted to share that about three months ago was the first time, since treatment, that I started to feel more clear headed. I was in a study and had 23 weeks of chemo and 6 and a half weeks of radiation. I always felt in a cloud, even after treatment, however now I have actually felt better and seemed more energetic. I have lost weight due to a healthier diet and am embracing the new me.
    Megan, Hang in there because you will hit the day that you don't feel so lost.
  • dash4
    dash4 Member Posts: 303 Member

    Had to Join In
    I just happened upon this from an email and when I read your notes, I knew I had to join in. I am now almost three years out from my original surgery date and I have not really ever talked about this part of the cancer journey with anyone other than my husband. My husband was an incredible caregiver during my treatment, but has brought up several times how I have changed since breast cancer.
    One day I finally was able to put into words for him what I was feeling and was so glad to see that many of you feel the same. It was something like this: I think all the time about insect bites, cuts, scrapes or the occasional friend that likes to smack your arm when they say hello. I am a horrible passenger in a car because I don't want the airbag to pop this foreign thing in my chest and the seatbelt, when I am driving, sometimes hurts. I still don't want to watch movies that have death and killing in them. I would love to use my hot tub again and fly without a sleeve on my arm reminding me that I am missing a breast. I don't want to think about that next mammogram. I would love to eat again without a thought in the back of my head that that food gave me cancer.
    I totally understand where you are coming. I don't walk around depressed or negative, but I am changed.
    I also wanted to share that about three months ago was the first time, since treatment, that I started to feel more clear headed. I was in a study and had 23 weeks of chemo and 6 and a half weeks of radiation. I always felt in a cloud, even after treatment, however now I have actually felt better and seemed more energetic. I have lost weight due to a healthier diet and am embracing the new me.
    Megan, Hang in there because you will hit the day that you don't feel so lost.

    thanks...
    Thanks for your comments..I was diagnosed 2/1 and surgery 2/16 and now waiting to hear what chemo is being suggested...what kind of chemo did you have? It is good to hear you will get past feeling lost...I have been caregiver for my husband for 5 years and I know in my head that our journeys are nowhere the same in any aspect, but my heart is still having such a tough time seperating the two experiences. It is hard to imagine that I will some day not feel so lost and reassuring to hear those who have gotten there...
    MaryKay
  • Sharon40
    Sharon40 Member Posts: 93
    Skeezie said:

    Hi All,
    Remember the phrase "Until you've walked a mile in my shoes"? Well I feel it works in reverse. What I mean is, no one can possible even come close to imagining what we, or any big time illness survivor, has gone thru. How could they? In my wildest imagination I could not phathom all the anxiety, pokes, pains, surgeries, sickness from treatments and then all the side effects that are so horrible and on and on, not including the loss of hair, body parts, early menopause plus, plus, plus. I know I couldn't. My niece was dx 3yrs ago next month and although I was there with cards, flowers, concerns and prayers, I truly had no idea until it was me last June. I truly had no clue what I was sympathizing about, but I thought I knew. And when it was "over" and she was in bed still depressed and not taking phone calls, I couldn't possiblly understand. Til last June. When I used to think I could never be that brave, I didn't realize bravery has nothing to do with it. You do what you have to because you want to live. Someone said to me today when we were talking about someone having some illness and I said "Wow, I'm such a whimp etc." and she said not you, you are such a trooper etc. I'm not. Yesterday I hosted a luncheon for 50 of our volunteers and most hadn't seen me since our Xmas fundraiser the beginning of Dec 09 when I was too sick to put on make-up and wore a cap and no wig and they thought they would have to call 911 I looked so awful, tht yesterday (out of treatment since 12-11) that they all came up and hugged me and said how great Ilook and how great my "hiar" looks, all knowing it's a wig, and I was in my glory. I do feel great and I know my wig looks great and it's ok if they don't really know, I don't want them to feel bad for me. I'll do my "grieving" in private and when I'm out I forget and feel like the old me. I hope none of my dear friends ever will understand...that means they would have joined our group.

    But here is where we let our hair down, here everyone understands, here is comforting to know it's not only me that feels depressed, or angry etc. Sometimes we just don't feel up to a group and that's ok...before bc I felt that way sometimes anyway. I feel there is no right or wrong way to feel and our moods shift and change and some days some jerky person can really get to us, just can't help it.

    I forgive most people because they just don't know...I didn't either. I posted a wonderful video yesterday titled "The girls should be dressed in pink". If you haven't seen it yet, take a look...it's all about us here, it's very moving and I felt very inspired about this group and a few select friends/ relatives "on the outside".

    Megan, I'm glad you're feeling better. I don't work so I don't have to put up with the jerks at work anymore and boy there are some real jerks. But they were before bc and we probably ignored them then too.

    The sun is shining today and I feel very hopeful...

    Hugs, Judy :-)

    so well put
    Thanks Judy,
    So well put - that's all I can say! I am off to get a tissue!!
  • pscheer
    pscheer Member Posts: 56 Member
    Skeezie said:

    Hi All,
    Remember the phrase "Until you've walked a mile in my shoes"? Well I feel it works in reverse. What I mean is, no one can possible even come close to imagining what we, or any big time illness survivor, has gone thru. How could they? In my wildest imagination I could not phathom all the anxiety, pokes, pains, surgeries, sickness from treatments and then all the side effects that are so horrible and on and on, not including the loss of hair, body parts, early menopause plus, plus, plus. I know I couldn't. My niece was dx 3yrs ago next month and although I was there with cards, flowers, concerns and prayers, I truly had no idea until it was me last June. I truly had no clue what I was sympathizing about, but I thought I knew. And when it was "over" and she was in bed still depressed and not taking phone calls, I couldn't possiblly understand. Til last June. When I used to think I could never be that brave, I didn't realize bravery has nothing to do with it. You do what you have to because you want to live. Someone said to me today when we were talking about someone having some illness and I said "Wow, I'm such a whimp etc." and she said not you, you are such a trooper etc. I'm not. Yesterday I hosted a luncheon for 50 of our volunteers and most hadn't seen me since our Xmas fundraiser the beginning of Dec 09 when I was too sick to put on make-up and wore a cap and no wig and they thought they would have to call 911 I looked so awful, tht yesterday (out of treatment since 12-11) that they all came up and hugged me and said how great Ilook and how great my "hiar" looks, all knowing it's a wig, and I was in my glory. I do feel great and I know my wig looks great and it's ok if they don't really know, I don't want them to feel bad for me. I'll do my "grieving" in private and when I'm out I forget and feel like the old me. I hope none of my dear friends ever will understand...that means they would have joined our group.

    But here is where we let our hair down, here everyone understands, here is comforting to know it's not only me that feels depressed, or angry etc. Sometimes we just don't feel up to a group and that's ok...before bc I felt that way sometimes anyway. I feel there is no right or wrong way to feel and our moods shift and change and some days some jerky person can really get to us, just can't help it.

    I forgive most people because they just don't know...I didn't either. I posted a wonderful video yesterday titled "The girls should be dressed in pink". If you haven't seen it yet, take a look...it's all about us here, it's very moving and I felt very inspired about this group and a few select friends/ relatives "on the outside".

    Megan, I'm glad you're feeling better. I don't work so I don't have to put up with the jerks at work anymore and boy there are some real jerks. But they were before bc and we probably ignored them then too.

    The sun is shining today and I feel very hopeful...

    Hugs, Judy :-)

    the girls should be dressed in pink
    I am new to this site. How can I view your post of The girls should be dressed in pink?
    Thank you.
  • Megan M
    Megan M Member Posts: 3,000
    dash4 said:

    thanks...
    Thanks for your comments..I was diagnosed 2/1 and surgery 2/16 and now waiting to hear what chemo is being suggested...what kind of chemo did you have? It is good to hear you will get past feeling lost...I have been caregiver for my husband for 5 years and I know in my head that our journeys are nowhere the same in any aspect, but my heart is still having such a tough time seperating the two experiences. It is hard to imagine that I will some day not feel so lost and reassuring to hear those who have gotten there...
    MaryKay

    I am so sorry Dash. I cried
    I am so sorry Dash. I cried reading all of the responses to my post. There are so many kind and understand bc survivors here that have helped me. Wishing you good luck!

    Megan
  • lizzie17
    lizzie17 Member Posts: 548

    I'm with you Megan. I
    I'm with you Megan. I believe the old me is gone, and as already stated if people can't accept the new us then we have to just go on. I know that I'm still a good hearted person but I've lost a lot and I will never be the same. We are however better than we were because we are warriors and we have fought the biggest fight anyone can ever fight!! Remember your a beautiful person and you should be accepted for who you are through all of your changes and times of trial.
    Mountains of Love and Big Hugs,
    ~Kari

    warriors
    I like your outlook----we will never be the same, but to take it one step further---
    "we are warriors and we have fought the biggest fight anyone can fight!!"
    Thanks for that thought!!
  • DianeBC
    DianeBC Member Posts: 3,881 Member
    Gabbie99 said:

    me too
    I absolutely understand what you are saying. In the beginning there were many things that people said that either p***** me off or made me cry. Now I try to develop a sense of humor about them. My BC was diagnosed in October, right after helping a friend with a BC fund raiser. Everywhere I went there were pink ribbons- almost started crying at the grocery store because almost everything in my cart had one of those dam pink ribbons on it! My journey isn't over yet- and every day feels a little different- but my mind is better at wrapping itself around those comments and understanding better. After all- I remember some things I said (or didn't say) to people going through some horrible times and now I really think about it before making any comment...I prefer listening now...

    Bumping this up as there are
    Bumping this up as there are so many new posts about feeling normal.
  • aztec45
    aztec45 Member Posts: 757
    dash4 said:

    thanks...
    Thanks for your comments..I was diagnosed 2/1 and surgery 2/16 and now waiting to hear what chemo is being suggested...what kind of chemo did you have? It is good to hear you will get past feeling lost...I have been caregiver for my husband for 5 years and I know in my head that our journeys are nowhere the same in any aspect, but my heart is still having such a tough time seperating the two experiences. It is hard to imagine that I will some day not feel so lost and reassuring to hear those who have gotten there...
    MaryKay

    Dash
    Dash,

    I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. All I can say is that I am here for you whenever you need me.

    P
  • e_hope
    e_hope Member Posts: 370
    know how you feel
    you sound just like my inner thoughts... lost, such a good word!!!! no one can ever understand the feeling unless you've walked this road.

    Everyone thinks once treatment is over you "all better" like a broken bone.. 6 weeks and your healed. HaHa..

    I was just recently asked, How often do you think about your breast cancer? I laughed out loud at her... EVERYDAY I RESPONDED.. how can I not... I still have mun chi chi hair, eye lashes still aren't completely back and I am covered in scars... All I have to do is look in a mirror to be reminded... somedays I feel like I hardly know the person looking back at me.

    What I find interesting in all this is everyone is quick to tell you what to expect while going through treatment and all the fun side effects of all the wonderful drugs we have to take.. but NO ONE ever mentions the deep depression that follows treatment... I feel more lost and depress now than I did when I was diagnosed, then I knew I had a mission ahead of me to fullfill and a plan of action... Now just left with this lingering feeling of WHEN!!!
  • Miss Murphy
    Miss Murphy Member Posts: 302
    e_hope said:

    know how you feel
    you sound just like my inner thoughts... lost, such a good word!!!! no one can ever understand the feeling unless you've walked this road.

    Everyone thinks once treatment is over you "all better" like a broken bone.. 6 weeks and your healed. HaHa..

    I was just recently asked, How often do you think about your breast cancer? I laughed out loud at her... EVERYDAY I RESPONDED.. how can I not... I still have mun chi chi hair, eye lashes still aren't completely back and I am covered in scars... All I have to do is look in a mirror to be reminded... somedays I feel like I hardly know the person looking back at me.

    What I find interesting in all this is everyone is quick to tell you what to expect while going through treatment and all the fun side effects of all the wonderful drugs we have to take.. but NO ONE ever mentions the deep depression that follows treatment... I feel more lost and depress now than I did when I was diagnosed, then I knew I had a mission ahead of me to fullfill and a plan of action... Now just left with this lingering feeling of WHEN!!!

    RIght On!!!!
    Y'all have expressed so well all my feelings....and it's been two years since my dx. I don't think this is something you ever get over - you just learn to cope each day, take one day at a time and enjoy what you have. Live each moment cause it's all we can do.
  • survivorbc09
    survivorbc09 Member Posts: 4,374 Member
    dash4 said:

    thanks...
    Thanks for your comments..I was diagnosed 2/1 and surgery 2/16 and now waiting to hear what chemo is being suggested...what kind of chemo did you have? It is good to hear you will get past feeling lost...I have been caregiver for my husband for 5 years and I know in my head that our journeys are nowhere the same in any aspect, but my heart is still having such a tough time seperating the two experiences. It is hard to imagine that I will some day not feel so lost and reassuring to hear those who have gotten there...
    MaryKay

    I am so sorry dash. Hoping
    I am so sorry dash. Hoping that your life is better now.

    Sending you prayers!
  • Megan M
    Megan M Member Posts: 3,000
    e_hope said:

    know how you feel
    you sound just like my inner thoughts... lost, such a good word!!!! no one can ever understand the feeling unless you've walked this road.

    Everyone thinks once treatment is over you "all better" like a broken bone.. 6 weeks and your healed. HaHa..

    I was just recently asked, How often do you think about your breast cancer? I laughed out loud at her... EVERYDAY I RESPONDED.. how can I not... I still have mun chi chi hair, eye lashes still aren't completely back and I am covered in scars... All I have to do is look in a mirror to be reminded... somedays I feel like I hardly know the person looking back at me.

    What I find interesting in all this is everyone is quick to tell you what to expect while going through treatment and all the fun side effects of all the wonderful drugs we have to take.. but NO ONE ever mentions the deep depression that follows treatment... I feel more lost and depress now than I did when I was diagnosed, then I knew I had a mission ahead of me to fullfill and a plan of action... Now just left with this lingering feeling of WHEN!!!

    I understand your feelings
    I understand your feelings totally E_hope! Just because our treatment, or, most of it is done, people that haven't been thru this just don't understand. And, I don't blame them. It is just some of their remarks do hurt, and, I don't really know what to say. Like with my girlfriend, I just blew it off, but, I wanted to say so much more. Like you, I just want to get past this and to feel somewhat normal again. I hope that day does come, for me, for you and all of us.
  • twill6
    twill6 Member Posts: 5
    e_hope said:

    know how you feel
    you sound just like my inner thoughts... lost, such a good word!!!! no one can ever understand the feeling unless you've walked this road.

    Everyone thinks once treatment is over you "all better" like a broken bone.. 6 weeks and your healed. HaHa..

    I was just recently asked, How often do you think about your breast cancer? I laughed out loud at her... EVERYDAY I RESPONDED.. how can I not... I still have mun chi chi hair, eye lashes still aren't completely back and I am covered in scars... All I have to do is look in a mirror to be reminded... somedays I feel like I hardly know the person looking back at me.

    What I find interesting in all this is everyone is quick to tell you what to expect while going through treatment and all the fun side effects of all the wonderful drugs we have to take.. but NO ONE ever mentions the deep depression that follows treatment... I feel more lost and depress now than I did when I was diagnosed, then I knew I had a mission ahead of me to fullfill and a plan of action... Now just left with this lingering feeling of WHEN!!!

    Know how you feel
    I am almost 5 years out from diagnosis and I still have the worry about my cancer coming back. I have had everything removed that they suggest where bc normally comes back, my other breast and I had a hysterectomy prior to bc.

    I can't forget what I have been through, I'm like you I see all of the scars in the mirror each day. I feel the pull on the scars on my back from my reconstruction. My eyelashes are not as long as they used to be.

    I think that it gets better in time, but I am still on anti-depressants since treatment. And no we can not go back to who we were, but we are someone new, a warrior who has been through the war and come out on the other side in one piece. I live each day to the best of my ability and look forward to the next. I plan to be here to watch my 3 grandchildren grow up.

    But I don't think that I will ever stop worrying about cancer coming back, it is a possibility each and every day. No one that has not been through this can possibly understand.

    I think I am rattling now. Hugs to everyone.
  • Megan M
    Megan M Member Posts: 3,000
    JillyB said:

    Grrrrrrr
    Megan,
    I personally think ppl saying things like that is more for them. They don't or most likely didn't really know what to say while you were going thru treatment and now that it is over, it is for them too. It's kind of like, maybe they can relax more, and not have to worry so much about you. Make any sense? My advice would be to choose those closest to you who you really care about, and care about you, and if They are saying these things, sit them down and really talk to them about what you are still going through. Have like a heart to heart....hope that helped at all...
    jilly

    You are probably right
    You are probably right Jilly. My gf just didn't know what to say, and ofcourse, it hit me wrong. I haven't yet sat her down and told her how it made me feel, but, you are right, I really should. Thanks for your help Jilly.
  • susie09
    susie09 Member Posts: 2,930
    MyTurnNow said:

    I don't believe that we'll
    I don't believe that we'll ever be our "old self" again and until you walk in our shoes I don't think you can understand that either. I can say that I've had my mortality brought before my eyes and I just don't look at life the same way anymore. I certainly don't take it for granted and try to live each day to the fullest. I try not to put off until tomorrow anything that I can do today...tomorrow is not a given, anymore. So, yes, things are different but not necessarily in a bad way. Life is precious and I intend to live it that way!!

    I hope you are feeling
    I hope you are feeling better Megan. I think that sometimes people just don't know what to say to us and sometimes they say something that hits a nerve with us. Try to talk to your girlfriend and explain to her how what she said hurt you. I wish we could go back to the way we were before bc too, but, we can't. But, who says we can't be better? Take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing.
  • Megan M
    Megan M Member Posts: 3,000
    mimivac said:

    Familiar feeling
    Sometimes I don't even remember what the "old me" was like. It makes me sad so I try not to think about it too much. Of course, I had my challenges then, but worry about recurrence and cancer was not among them. There is a burden to cancer and its aftermath that is very difficult to understand if you have not been through it. After a while, I started feeling like I was bringing my friends down too much if I kept on talking about cancer. Now, almost 16 months post diagnosis, I don't really talk about it too much, except for with my husband. Because, you see, I'm still very much affected by it. Like RE says, I think "cancer" whenever I have the slightest ache, pain, or cough. If I lose weight, I don't congratulate myself on my healthy eating and exercise -- I wonder if this is the rapid weight loss that is a sign of advanced cancer. That kind of burden is heavy on the mind and soul. It gets better, I can tell you that. But it hasn't yet gone away for me and I don't know if it ever will.

    People who talk about the "old you" want that person to return. It's only natural, but insensitive. They probably don't realize it. For while after my treatments ended, my mother kept chirping that everything would soon be "back to normal." It irritated me so much that I finally told her to shut the heck up! She understood. Hang in there, Megan. Things do get easier, but it's a helleuva journey.

    Mimi

    I have seen several write on
    I have seen several write on here lately feeling the same way as I did and still do at times. I hope it might show them that their feelings are normal, as everyone here showed me. We just have a few hurdles to get past first. My gf thought I should just be as I was before the bc, but, I can't be that way. But, I am hoping that I can be better! We just have to allow ourselves time, and, I am trying to do that!
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    Been there~am still there.
    Hello Megan, there are some doctors and therapists who are equating how a cancer patient feels after being released from treat to a form of post traumatic stress syndrome the war vets are often treated for and I agree. I have lived with the knowledge of cancer most of my life since my mom was dx when I was 17, then my sister got it as well I guess you could say I was always waiting for my turn and I got it in "97", "98" and again in "07". I have other issues due to all the chemo and rads and I am on disability which I had to really fight to get and every few years have to fight to keep. Its not just friends that see us as "cured" its most everyone. I had to get an attorney to help me fight for disability and he treated me oddly (as if I was over stating my issues) until he obtained the two boxes of medical records my doctor sent him upon request. I met him with my husband at my side a few weeks later and he looked at me and he had no idea what I had been through and was still dealing with (by the way his mom is a bc survivor) then he looked at my husband and told him that he needs me to look and act more like the ill person that I am, geez thanks a lot! We work hard darned hard to deal with who and what we are after treatment ends, right now I am going to a bunch of dr. apt because I feel so lousy (stomach) issues of course the thought of cancer looms over me like a dark cloud. Now all that said I have learned through watching my mom and my sister fight their battles that its okay to have down days as long as the up days way out number them. I have only a few very close friends who get it and understand I will never be exactly who I was and that is okay because who I am now is pretty darned good. Cancer is a beast that steals our body parts, our health and sometimes our mental health but it has no right to our happiness and our right to enjoy the life we have worked so hard to keep. You will get thicker skin as time goes on and you will have days when cancer is not at the fore front; Megan you are a survivor and you will prevail!

    Hugs,


    RE